[Merged] Just for Laughs

[StraightSix]

Cute

A fireman was working on his engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a toy fire engine. The little boy is wearing a fireman's helmet and the truck is being pulled by his dog and his cat.

"That's a great fire engine," the fireman shouts over.

"Thanks," the boy says. The man walks over and looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the engine to his dog's collar ang the cat's testicles. "One thing, buddy", the fireman says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around your cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy thinks for a while and then replies, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[mazdamazda]

LANZONES

May 3 hunters na nahuli ng mga cannibals sa gubat. dinala sila sa harap ng tribal chief para siya ang pupugot ng ulo. Nagmakaawa yung mga hunters. naawa naman yung chief.

Chief: sige hindi namin kayo papatayin, sa isang kondisyon. kailangan isa-isa kayong mangolekta ng 10 pirasong prutas. dalhin nyo iyon dito at saka ko sasabihin ang sunod nyong gagawin.

naghiwa-hiwalay ang tatlong Magkakaibigan. unang dumating si Pedro, dala-dala'y 10 oranges.

Chief: ngayon, ipasok mo ang lahat ng mga prutas na iyan sa iyong puwet.

kailangan ay hindi magbabago ang mukha mo. konting ngiwi o ngiti lang ay pupugutan ka agad namin ng ulo.

unang orange pa lang ang pinapasok ay napa-sigaw agad si Pedro. agad siyang pinugutan ng ulo. sunod na dumating ay si Juan, dala-dala'y 10 lansones. tuwang-tuwa siya ng in-explain sa kanya nung Chief kung ano ang kailangan nyang gawin.

Juan: sus! sisiw lang pala. kayang-kaya! buti na lang maliit na prutas ang kino-lekta ko.

naipasok ni Juan ang mga lansones sa kanyang puwit ng walang problema.

ngunit sa pang-10 na siya, bigla siyang napatawa. pugot-ulo agad si Chief.

pagkamatay ay napunta agad si Juan sa langit kung saan nakita niya si Pedro. nagkausap ang dalawa.

Pedro: sayang Juan! pinapanood kita dito sa langit habang ginagawa mo yung utos. isang lansones na lang hindi mo pa tiniis! buhay ka pa sanangayon.

ano bang nangyari sayo?

Juan: pare, ang dali-dali ngang ipasok nung mga lansones. kaso, nung matatapos na ako bigla kong nakita si pareng Jose -- may dala-dalang 10 langka!

[StraightSix]

Hahaha ... itatanong ko pa naman sana kung anong nangyari sa 3rd hunter

[zidane21]

:bwahaha: 10 langka! kulit nun a!

[zero]

Anak: inay, bakit po Victoria ang ipinangalan nyo kay Ate?

Nanay: kasi duon namin ginawa ng tatay mo ang Ate mo.

Anak: ganuon po ba?

Nanay: oo anak, kaya huwag ka na masyadong matanong Luneta. tawagin
mo na ang Kuya Fx mo at kakain na tayo.

[empy]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who should be the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge!!

[StraightSix]

JOKE REGRETS

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

[silverbx986]

English Signs Around the World:


In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP."

In a city restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT ***, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE *** IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

[bhongskie]

Sinungaling!!!


Lady wearing a loose blouse going for confession...

Lady: Pader, mangungimpisal po sana ako...
Pader: Sige anak, (Si Pader nakatingin sa Dibdib ng Babae..) pero teka lang, pwede mo bang sabihin sa kin Iha kung bakit mapuputi ang mga dibdib mo?
Lady: eh, Pader, hindi po kasi yan na-aarawan..
Pader: SINUNGALING!!! (biglang nagalit si Pader) Bakit ang mga itlog ko, hindi naman na-aarawan, maiitim!

[ts1n1ta]

hmm nde ko gets.. explain nyo sa ken. waaaahhhh


[SIZE=1]nde pa kase ako nag lulunch...[/SIZE]

[maykel]

share ko lang po. enjoy!!!

behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man. but behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man.


teacher: what do you want to become?
li'l Johnny: doctor !!
teacher: why?
lj: coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

woman complaining to dentist it ' s so painful, I ' d rather have a baby than have a tooth removed. dentist make up your mind soon, I ' ll adjust the chair accordingly.

lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN. the engraver shortened it to " RETURNED UNOPENED "

a kid asked the priest " father, what is your pastime? " the priest tapped the kid’s shoulder and replied " Nun, my child, nun "

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl. on their first night both were crying. why??? coz she didn ' t know anything, and he had forgotten everything


"FREE MAN"
At a silver wedding anniversary, the husband was standing in one corner looking very sad. "What's the matter?" asked his friend. "Well, a week after marriage, I got fed up and wanted to kill my wife, but my lawyer said that I would get 25 years imprisonment. Now I realize that today I would have been a free man."

"LOST WIFE"
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in this supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" the woman asked. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed. After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed.

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're real lucky, mine's still alive."

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go on our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied : "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

One day a father called his 6 children together and asked, "Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mother asked?" In one voice they all replied, "You, Daddy!"

A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward. One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine?" "Yes, dear," replied the wife, "but the other two are not."

COMA
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally woke, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."

[empy]

ah, i have another one that's like the above ones

two guys were in a bar talking about their *** lives. one asks the other "so, what is you and your wife's favorite position?"

"doggystyle," says the other guy

"doggystyle?" says the first guy

"yeah," says the second guy, "i sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead!" :hihihi:

[ILuvDetailing]

:bwahaha:

[mazdamazda]

pangkaraniwan na sa mga empleyado ang mag-uwi ng trabaho sa bahay...
na kadalasang pinag-aawayan ng mga mag-asawa.

maghapon ka na ngang wala, pag-uwi mo wala ka pa ring panahon
sa min ng mga anak mo... yan ang kadalasang linya ng partner mo.
Oo nga naman, dapat balanse lang ang buhay... me panahon sa
trabaho at me panahon sa mga mahal sa buhay. yan ang dapat nating
sanayin... balanseng buhay para sa masayang pagsasama!

naalala ko tuloy ang kapit-bahay ko. tahimik lang sila.... masaya,
at palagi kong naririnig na nagtatawanan. nguni't isang araw nagulat
ako sa aking narinig.... iyakan ng mga bata, galit na galit na nanay.
walanghiya ka bakit ka nag-uwi ng trabaho dito... pasensya na mahal
ang dami trabaho baka di ko matapos e kailangang mai-deliver na agad
mga to. sa loob loob ko, minsan lang naman ata nag-uwi ng trabaho di pa
pinagbigyan.

tuloy pa rin ang sigawan, iyakan.... lubos na akong nabahala kaya
kinatok ko sila.

pare, pare, okay lang ba kayo dyan? binuksan ng babae ang pinto at
galit na galit nagsumbong sa kin.... hay naku pare, tangna tong pare mo nag-uwi
ng trabaho dito sa bahay. sabi ko, intindihin mo na mare, minsan lang naman ata
ginawa e, baka sobrang dami lang talaga ng trabaho nya ngayon at me deadline.

galit nagalit ang babae na sinagot ako... ay tangna pare, alam mo bang
embalsamador ang asawa ko?

[flakez]

pangkaraniwan na sa mga empleyado ang mag-uwi ng trabaho sa bahay...
na kadalasang pinag-aawayan ng mga mag-asawa.

maghapon ka na ngang wala, pag-uwi mo wala ka pa ring panahon
sa min ng mga anak mo... yan ang kadalasang linya ng partner mo.
Oo nga naman, dapat balanse lang ang buhay... me panahon sa
trabaho at me panahon sa mga mahal sa buhay. yan ang dapat nating
sanayin... balanseng buhay para sa masayang pagsasama!

naalala ko tuloy ang kapit-bahay ko. tahimik lang sila.... masaya,
at palagi kong naririnig na nagtatawanan. nguni't isang araw nagulat
ako sa aking narinig.... iyakan ng mga bata, galit na galit na nanay.
walanghiya ka bakit ka nag-uwi ng trabaho dito... pasensya na mahal
ang dami trabaho baka di ko matapos e kailangang mai-deliver na agad
mga to. sa loob loob ko, minsan lang naman ata nag-uwi ng trabaho di pa
pinagbigyan.

tuloy pa rin ang sigawan, iyakan.... lubos na akong nabahala kaya
kinatok ko sila.

pare, pare, okay lang ba kayo dyan? binuksan ng babae ang pinto at
galit na galit nagsumbong sa kin.... hay naku pare, tangna tong pare mo nag-uwi
ng trabaho dito sa bahay. sabi ko, intindihin mo na mare, minsan lang naman ata
ginawa e, baka sobrang dami lang talaga ng trabaho nya ngayon at me deadline.

galit nagalit ang babae na sinagot ako... ay tangna pare, alam mo bang
embalsamador ang asawa ko?

hahaha. baka ***y pa ung inuwing bangkay. hahaha

[StraightSix]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony. Then this Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"

[StraightSix]

One of my favorites:

---

A rather conservative englishwoman was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress, and his reply was: "Only have one woman - one woman, one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking, she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women - two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of ***ual partners involved, she decided to interview the chief. Now the chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused her. She asked the chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, fat, small and tall, me sleep with 'em all."

Horrified, the englishwoman said, "Why, you ought to be hung."

The chief said: "You damn right, me hung! Big like buffalo, long like snake, me sleep with 'em all."

So she cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

The chief replied: "Hoss-style, doggy-style, wolf-style, any style, me sleep with 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, she finally said, "Oh dear."

The Chief said: "Ugh, no deer. Ass too high, run so fast."

[StraightSix]

Thought for today...

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections, but absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[mazdamazda]

CHICKEN SANDWICHES

This will make you laugh out loud!

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch.

They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that

her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right.



You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to



the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,

I'm starting to get feathers down there too!

"She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh,my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!

[StraightSix]

LITTLE OLD LADY

A good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home.

The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes, Lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."