[Merged] Just for Laughs

**kimpOy** · February 4th, 2004 05:51 PM

KATUWAAN LANG BATO BATO SA LANGIT

MAHIRAP LAHAT
Sa UP, mahirap ang Math.
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Assumption, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa St. Scho, mahirap sumakay sa LRT
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki.

PASIKATAN NG GRADWEYTS
> >UP: A number of past Philippine presidents graduated from UP.
> >Presidents Roxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and Marcos, to name just a few!
> >
> >
> >ATENEO: Hah! That's nothing, a number of Ateneo graduates became
national
> >heroes like Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna,
> >Avelio, Javier and many others.
> >
> >UP: That just goes to show you, UP graduates become presidents and
lead
> >countries while Atenean end up getting shot!
> >LA SALLE: Wala 'yan. Talo kayo sa mga gradweyt namin!
> >UP & ATENEO: Bakit sino ba ang mga graduates ninyo?
> >LA SALLE: Aba! Marami kaming sikat na gradweyts; si Gary Valenciano,
> >Dingdong Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid, Monsour del Rosario . .

> >SUICIDAL SANDWICH
> >There were three friends: an Atenean, a La Sallite, and a UP student
> >(so you know this story is fictional). Anyway, everyday, they met for
> >lunch and ate their sandwiches.
> >UP: Putek! Peanut butter sandwich na naman? Sawang-sawa na ako dito ah. Pag bukas, peanut butter sandwich na naman ang baon ko,
> >magpapatiwakal na ako.
> >Ateneo: Darn! Roast beef sandwich again. I am sick of this already.
> >If I get another roast beef sandwich again tomorrow, I am gonna shoot
> >myself.
> > La Salle: Oh my gosh, grabe! Ham sandwich is my baon again. I
> >am so sawa with this sandwich na, ha? If my baon tomorrow is ham
> >sandwich again, I am gonna drive my CRV over the cliff.

**kimpOy** · February 4th, 2004 05:53 PM

Dear son,

Medyo mabagal akong magsulat ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal ka ring magbasa. Nandito na kami sa Estados Unidos para bantayan ang bagong biling bahay ng kapatid mo. Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang number para daw hindi na sila magpalit ng address.

Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila. Dalawang besses lang umulan sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa.

Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad nun nabili ko na shampoo dahil ayaw bumula. Nakasulat kasi "FOR DRY HAIR" kaya hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko pag ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa Walmart at magrereklamo
ako.

Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw bumukas ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay "YALE", eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw ay hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay, akala nila hindi ko alam na SIGAW ang tagalog ng "YALE", wise yata ito!

Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa "Federal Express" medyo mahal daw dahil mabigat ang mga butones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga butones at inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na lang pag dating diyan.

Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng
bagyo, hindi ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor.

Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500 na tao sa ilalim niya. Nag- gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial park, okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod.

Nakapanganak na rin pala ang ate baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o lalake kaya hindi ko pa masasabi na kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie.

Wala na akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka na lang ng madalas.

Love,
Papa

p.s. Maglalagay sana ako ng pera, kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang envelope. Next time na lang ha..

**benchph1** · February 4th, 2004 05:58 PM

May dalawang magkumpareng lasing na naglalakad pauwi sa bahay nila. Napansin ni juan na may nakatumpok na jebs sa daan.

juan: pare may *** sa daannn.....hik*.....
pedro : hindi pare....hik*.....bato lang yann....
juan: maniwala ka sa akin pare, *** yan...hik*...naamoy ko eh.....
pedro: hindi ko maamoy....pare...hik* may sipon ako eh..teka matingnan nga.

biglang yumuko sa pedro para tingnan ang naturang jebs na pinagaawayan....sabay sinungkit at tinikman.

pedro: pare....tama ka pare *** nga...hik* buti hindi natin naapakan! :D

**kimpOy** · February 9th, 2004 10:09 AM

Cory Aquino watches "Mano Po 2" everyday and cries everytime.... Dito
lang
kasi niya nakita na ikinasal si Kris!

Bakit sa Pilipinas kung mag-aaply ka ng clerk kailangan college
graduate ka,
pero kung mag-aaply ka for president, high
school drop-out ok na? Just curious ha.. bakit???

Noong araw, ERAP na ERAP na. Ngayon ARROY, AROY!, wag na POE, wag na
POE.
Baka maLACSON ang KABAYAN natin at magka
ROCCO ROCCO ang buhay natin.

GMA: Economic mind

ROCO: academic mind

EDDIE: Godly mind

LOREN: changeable mind

NOLI: no mind

PING: mastermind

FPJ: Never mind!

Lights, camera, action!

Starring FPJ

Directed by ERAP

Script by ED ANGARA

Produced by DANDING COJUANGCO

Sa pelikulang, "BAYAN KO, TODAS KA!"

Presidentiables have records:

GMA: D Pidal case

ROCCO has textbook scam

LACSON has kuratong baleleng

Only FPJ has no records - not even school records! Nanay ko po!

**kimpOy** · February 9th, 2004 10:13 AM

Anak: Dear Itay, padalhan mo ako ng pera. Kasi,
ang mga gamit ko, pinagkakain ng daga.

Itay: Dear Anak, wala akong pera. Kung gusto mo, meron ditong PUSA.
====

1. melanie marquez and boy abunda:

boy: o melanie, paano na ang showbiz career mo ngayong nagmo-mormon ka na?
melanie: a okay lang yan boy kasi matagal na rin akong semi-retarded.

2. super sireyna contest:

emcee: anong masasabi mo sa death penalty?
bading; a ano po yun toot por toot, eye por eye.
emcee: paki-eksplika nga?
bading: ganito po yun: kung pinatay mo ang nanay ko, dapat, patayin din ang nanay mo!

3. little miss phiippines contest

emcee: anong gusto mong maging paglaki mo? little miss contestant: maging lalaki po.

4mr. world philippines contest

emcee: what do you think should a man possess to be successful?
contestant: i think, that for a man to be successful, he should be a responsible, because if he should not be a responsible, he will not have a successful. that is all. i thank you.

5. kuya germs, interviewing the boygroup, 98 degrees

kuya germs: are you already married?
98 member: no, i'm still single.
kuya: WOW! imagine that! what a koynseedense! three years ago, you are here, you are single. i am here, i am single. now, three years after, you are still here, you are still single. i am still here, i am still single! it's anbeeleebabol!

6. leonardo litton and rodel velayo, guesting on keep on dancing

charlene gonzales: hi leonardo, hi rodel, welcome to keep on dancing!
leonardo litton: welcome din po!

7. TV patrol coverage by JV Villar, of an old and ugly transvestite hooker, CANDY, reporting to police the alleged homicide attack on him/her by SAID ALAA, a Palestinian "client." This was shot just outside Said's prison cell, and Saad and Candy are standing side by side.

Candy: But him and me, we are already decisioning. That I will decision to not anymore demand a case to him.
(off-cam voice): paano mangyayari na hindi mo na siya kakasuhan.
Candy: That him and me, he will marry me.

Natawa na lang si Saad at dumeretso sa selda niya.

8. Eat Bulaga husband and wife compatability contest (a la New Married game)

Host: Misis, ano ang nilalagay ni Mister sa kanyang itlog tuwing umaga??
Misis: Johnson's Baby Powder!

**kimpOy** · February 9th, 2004 10:15 AM

In an obstetricians clinic:
Doc: "Hubad na, iha. Huwag kang mag-alala... I won't take advantage of you!"
Girl: "Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty at bra ko?"
Doc: "iyan lang sa may tabi ng brief ko."!

**NightRock** · February 17th, 2004 06:40 AM

SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS IN THE USA

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to
apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time
he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him
for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his
pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told
the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left
his wallet at home.

"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have
qualified for disability, too."

**eyescube** · February 17th, 2004 01:39 PM

middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SL500.

He took off down the road, pushed it up to 90 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing
through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him,
blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 130mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes and today is
Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off
with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day".

**ian_rex** · March 4th, 2004 01:17 PM

A japanese businessman arrived at Manila for a business conference. So upon checking out at NAIA, he flagged down a cab, a Kia Pride, and hopped-in. The cabbie asked: "Where to, sir?"the businessman replied; "To Manila Hotel". So they sped away toward the general direction of Roxas Boulevard. The Japanese was running a little late and was irritated. When a Toyota Corolla pass them by. He said to the cabbie: "See that car? It is made in Japan, that's why it run's very fast." The cabbie just nodded and shrugged at the insult. Ten minutes later, another car, this time a Mitsubishi Lancer overtook them. He said to the cabbie: "See that car? It is made in Japan, that's why it run's very fast." The cabbie just nodded and shrugged at the insult and said nothing. Five minutes after, they arrive at the hotel's lobby. So the Japanese asked how much is the fare. The cabbie simply replied: $100 dollars sir. Astounded, the Japanese cannot help but ask: Why so expensive? The cabbie answered: "See this taxi meter sir?" The businessman said: "Yes", sir look closely, it says here "Made in Japan", that why it runs very fast...

**hens** · April 9th, 2004 01:00 PM

Funny random chat convo's!

Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid
V-girl> i belong with the other 13%
------------------------------
scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
------------------------------
WiLd***yPrInCeSs> i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
XeNoX> Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.
------------------------------
BlackDeth> i like stalked this girl sorta
BlackDeth> like once she asked me for a ride home from work
BlackDeth> and i took her home... i dropped her off at her house
BlackDeth> and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know where i lived?
------------------------------
kyourek> There was a 23% drop in temperature.
nappyjallapy> That's almost 25%!
kyourek> ... That was one of the most worthless comments I've ever heard.
---------------------------------
JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
JonJonB> Let's see the results...
----------------------------------
tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
Ouroboros> Ok.
tag> | .
Ouroboros> . |
tag> | .
Ouroboros> . |
tag> | .
Ouroboros> | .
Ouroboros> Whoops
--------------------------------------------
*Chin^> My sister caught me masturbating the other week and calls me a pervert
*Chin^> just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating
*Chin^> So she calls me a pervert again?!?
*Chin^> there is no justice in the world...