[Merged] Just for Laughs

[Greaseman]

ANG BIYENAN…

Isang araw ang babaeng ito ay naisipang subukan ang kanyang tatlong
Manugang na lalaki kung gaano nila ito kamahal.

(please don’t open the attached photo’s unless I say so, thanks!)

Sumunod na araw habang sila ay naglalakad kasama ang una ay naisipang
Magpalunod sa ilog at nagkunwaring sya ay nalulunod na.

Hindi na nagdalawang isip pa ang manugang nito at agad itong tumalon sa ilog at sinagip ang biyenang babae.

Sunod na umaga sa tapat ng bahay niya ay may nakaparadang Toyota
Vios, pula, Brand new, may sulat na nasasaad ng: (see attached picture 1).

Sumunod na araw ay sinubukan naman nya ang parehong eksperimento sa pangalawa.

Ganoon din ang nangyari, sinagip din sya kaagad.

Sunod na umaga sa tapat ng kanyang bahay ay mayroon din nakaparada na
Toyota Vios puti , Brand new, may parehong sulat na nasasaad ng: (see attached picture 2).

Parehong eksena sa panagtlong manugang sa si Pedro. Kaya nagpatihulog naman sya sa ilog at unti-unti na itong nalulunod.

Habang sya ay unti-unti ng nalulunod, pinagmasdan lang nya ito at nag-isip << panahon na siguro sa bruhang ito para matigbak! >>.

Sunod na umaga sa tapat ng bahay ni Pedro ay mayroon din nakaparadang kotse, bago, may sulat sa windshield na nasasaad ng: (see attached picture 3).


No offense to all biyenans….hehehe

[mantoy]

Pinoy Accounting Terms

1. Asset - Ari
2. Fixed Asset - Aring Nakatirik
3. Liquid Asset - Aring Tumutulo
4. Written-off Asset - Aring Pinutol
5. Cut-off time - Oras ng Pagputol
6. Depreciation - Pagkalaspag ng Ari
7. Fully Depreciated Asset - Aring Laspag na Laspag na
8. Earning Asset - Aring Ganado Pa
9. Non-Earning Asset - Aring Baldado na
10. Owned Asset - Sariling Ari
11. Other Asset - Ari ng Iba
12. Miscellaneous Asset - Mga Aring Pinagsamasama
13. Erroneous Entry - Mali ang Pagkapasok
14. Double Entry - Dalawa ang Pinasukan
15. Multiple Entry - Labas-pasok
16. Correcting Entry - Itinama ang Pagpasok
17. Reversing Entry - Baligtad ang Pasok
18. Tangible Asset - Aring Nasasalat
19. Dispensed - Nilabasan
20. Undispensed - Hindi Nilabasan

[mantoy]

In a grand ballroom party conducted by the Philippine Society of Colleges and Universities, the Chairman of the Board got curious in knowing what particular schools attended the big celebration. So he checked out the house where it was all happening. Guess who he found and where he found them...

Ateneo - they were inside the TV room with a mic chanting the "BLUE EAGLE" spelling

La Salle - they were eaves-dropping

San Beda - some were beside the Ateneans while others were at the bedroom with some Paulinians

St. Paul - they thought they were with the Ateneans

La Consolacion - they wanted to be the Paulinians

Holy Spirit - they want the Paulinians

Miriam - they were beside the room of the Ateneans, like always

Assumption - they were inside the bathroom three hours already since arriving

St. Scholastica - they were next in line to the bathroom

MCU - they cleaned the bathroom and are now mopping the sala floor

UP Diliman - everybody was lined up to the attic to have a fraternity ritual before a frat war

Trinity - they were curing the injured frat applicants from the hazing

CEU - some were doing the dishes while others were busy with the laundry

St. Benilde - they were giving orders and tips to the CEU students

St. Louis - they were in front of the air condition

UE - they don't know how to operate the air condition

San Sebastian - how the hell did they pass the security?

Letran - the security

UST - Oh my G. they were everywhere!

FEU - they were nowhere to be found

UP Los Banos - they were in the garden mowing the lawn

MLQU - sob! they were not invited

Mindanao State - they were out of place

Mapua - they were fixing the leak in the roof

TIP - they were the ones who created the leak

UP Manila - they were into semi-prohibitted drugs

NU - they were outside the house selling cigarettes

JRU - they were the ones buying

CCP - they were at the backyard drinking ginebra

PUP - they didn't have enough money for fare to attend

Siliman - nobody understands them

PLM - they were already eating the unserved food

Adamson - went to SM and Luneta instead

Sta. Isabel - they were with the Adamsonians

STI - they went to the neighboring computer shop & played online games

TUP - they were playing against the STI students

AMA - they were spreading viruses to these computers & to nearby cellphones

Informatics - they were inviting new call center agents

CRC/UA&P - says "what in santa claus' name is this party for?"

PSBA - says "What the heck is CRC or UA&P?"

NCBA - says "What the hell is PSBA?"

APC - after 5 hours of party says "Are we late?"

FEATI - from the bedrooms & sala sofas yells "P*nyeta! Kung ayaw niyong matulog, magpatulog kayo!"

Fatima - shouts "Mabuhay ang mga taga Fatima!!!"

[squala]

From a past episode of Quizon Ave. (in case you weren't able to watch it)

DOLPHY: "Anak, pasabay naman, o?"
ERIC: "Tay, inaantay na ako sa shooting eh. Sige sige..."

DOLPHY: "Pwede ba sumabay?"
EPI: "Tay naman, kita nyo naman may kasama akong babe eh. Mag-taxi na lang kayo."

VANDOLF: "Tay, ako may kotse."
DOLPHY: "TAXI!"

[scarab]

economics of the world in simple terms (sorry if this was posted already)

> TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
> You have two cows.
> You sell one and buy a bull.
> Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
> You retire on the income.
>
> CHINESE ECONOMICS
> You have two cows.
> You have 300 people milking them.
> You claim full employment, high bovine productivity
> and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
>
> INDIAN ECONOMICS
> You have two cows.
> You worship them.
>
> PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
> You don't have any cows.
> You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
> You ask the US for financial aid, China for military
> aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines,
> Germany for technology, France for submarines,
> Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan
> for equipment.
> You buy the cows with all this and claim
> exploitation by the world.
>
> AMERICAN ECONOMICS
> You have two cows.
> You sell one and force the other to produce the
> milk of four cows.
> You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
> You put the blame on some nation with cows &
> naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
> You wage war to save the world and grab the cows.
>
> FRENCH ECONOMICS
> You have two cows.
> You go on strike because you want three cows.
>
> GERMAN ECONOMICS
> You have two cows.
> You reengineer them so that they live for 100
> years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
>
> BRITISH ECONOMICS
> You have two cows.
> They are both mad.
>
> ITALIAN ECONOMICS
> You have two cows.
> You don't know where they are.
> You break for lunch.
>
> SWISS ECONOMICS
> You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> You charge others for storing them.
>
> JAPANESE ECONOMICS
> You have two cows.
> You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the
> size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times
> the milk.
> You then create cute cartoon cow images called
> COWKIMON and market them worldwide.
>
> RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
> You have two cows.
> You count them and learn you have five cows.
> You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
> You give up counting and open another bottle of
> vodka.
>
> MALAYSIAN ECONOMICS
> You have two cows.
> You slaughter one for Hari Raya Puasa and the
> other for Hari Raya Haji.
> Just before that, both the cows were wandering
> along the PLUS Highways.
>
> PHILIPPINE ECONOMICS
> You have only one cow.
> So the government claims there is a shortage of
> cows.
> The government ask grants from other countries so
> the country can produce more cows.
> The other countries oblige.
> The government divides the grants among
> themselves, and blames the opposition of
> corruption.
> The people stage People Power 42.
> The government is overthrown.
> Then its back to the single cow.
>

[onat_1]

superman......yakis

one day clark kent was taking his usual break from the daily planet newspaper atop the roof of the building where he works,he was glancing around using his super vision if anybody need help,and of course not to mention all the naked women that he saw by accident.upon looking around he saw the HALL OF JUSTICE where wonder woman was taking her sunbath in the nude with her legs spread apart,so being horny after seing all the naked women in the metropolis,he said to himself...

"how can i f**k wonderwoman?"

"go over there and ask her? no bad idea, we are super heroes we dont socialize"

"rape her?nah"

"wait a minute,i'm superman i have super speed able to leap tall buldings with a single bounce,faster than speeding bullet...i can f**k her without noticing me"

so he leap out of the building with a single bounce change his suit to his superman costume,and sped away towards the HALL OF JUSTICE with the speed faster than a speeding bullet....and f**ks her with un-imaginable speed....and he flown away after cumming inside of her.....

"wohoooo that was a great f*#k" he said to himself while flying back to the daily planet's roof top,and he quickly change to his work suit like nothing happens.

meanwhile back in the HALL OF JUSTICE,

"what was that?" wonderwoman wondered not knowing that superman had just f*#k with absolute super duper speed...

"i dont know about you wonderwoman" said invisible man.."but my ASS hurts all of a sudden"....

[nugundam93]

VANDOLF: "Tay, ako may kotse."
DOLPHY: "TAXI!"

hahahahahahaha! buti pa si dolphy alam niya. kaya siguro mahaba buhay niya.

[onat_1]

how do you know if it's gays having a picnic?



ANSWER:all the hotdogs smell like ****!

[zidane21]

From a past episode of Quizon Ave. (in case you weren't able to watch it)

DOLPHY: "Anak, pasabay naman, o?"
ERIC: "Tay, inaantay na ako sa shooting eh. Sige sige..."

DOLPHY: "Pwede ba sumabay?"
EPI: "Tay naman, kita nyo naman may kasama akong babe eh. Mag-taxi na lang kayo."

VANDOLF: "Tay, ako may kotse."
DOLPHY: "TAXI!"

hahahahahahaha!!! :bwahaha:
laglagan na to!!

**************************************************

[SIZE=2]Mini Cooper with B16A Engine inside! [/SIZE]

[j_avonni]

I've been to many places in the Philippines. Napansin ko pag may norte may sur, like Ilocos Norte & Ilocos Sur, Lanao del Norte & Lanao del Sur, Camarines Norte & Camarines Sur, etc. Pero bakit ang Karne Norte ay walang Karne Sur?


P.S. - Ang sagot ng anak ko Corny Sur - meron daw.

[bluntz]

I've been to many places in the Philippines. Napansin ko pag may norte may sur, like Ilocos Norte & Ilocos Sur, Lanao del Norte & Lanao del Sur, Camarines Norte & Camarines Sur, etc. Pero bakit ang Karne Norte ay walang Karne Sur?


P.S. - Ang sagot ng anak ko Corny Sur - meron daw.

hahaha

[StraightSix]

AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS ...

I was happy.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is, always keep your condoms in your car.

[StraightSix]

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

---

Q: How does a man show that he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.

---

A salesman was driving home when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip was so long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances slyly at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

---

A guys goes to an optician. The optician says, "You must stop playing with yourself immediately."

"Will I go blind?" he asks.

"No," the optician explains, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

---

A magic mirror was displayed at a fun fair. If you told a lie then it would make you disappear.

A redhead went up to it and said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world," and promptly disappeared.

Then a brunette went up to it and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world," and she also disappeared.

Finally a blonde went up to it and said,"I think ..." and then disappeared.

[StraightSix]

---

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.

"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

---

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: (Look of shock)

Cowboy:"Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Good."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: (Complete look of utter amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

---

Two senior citizens are sitting in the activity room of the old folks home and the old woman says to the old guy ...

Old woman: I bet I can tell you how old you are!

Old man: No, you can't.

Old woman: Stand up.

Old man: Okay.

Old woman: Now, drop your trousers.

Old man: Okay.

Old woman: Turn around.

Old man: Yeah?

Old woman: You're 82.

Old man: That's right. How did you know that?

Old woman: You told me yesterday.

---

[silverbx986]

Understanding Women

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said,
"You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

:bwahaha:

[StraightSix]

Henry the rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: "Henry," he said, I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But, Henry didn't stop there.

Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!"

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."

"Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[bleed]

The Worlds Perfect Breasts:

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

[BlueBimmer]

u guys made my day :lol: :bwahaha:

[zero]

Tatay: Anak, paki-bili mo nga ako softdrinks.

Anak: Coke o Pepsi?

Tatay: Coke

Anak: regular o diet?

Tatay: regular

Anak: bottle o in can?

Tatay: nasa bote!

Anak: 1.5 o litro?

Tatay: buwisit na 'to! hahatawin na kita ng walis!!

Anak: tambo o tingting??

Tatay: lumapit ka nga dito, hayup ka!!!

Anak: baboy o baka??

Tatay: ( inatake na )





sa puso o ng high blood??

[silverbx986]

Drive-Thru ATM Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw
cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility
are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back
of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.