[Merged] Just for Laughs

[silverbx986]

TOP THREE ADULT JOKES OF 2005

Number 3
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your p3nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Number 2
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


Number 1
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[knight23]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[knight23]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?” the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had *** with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."

[knight23]

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[knight23]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[kimpOy]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right
thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have *** with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8



And the #1 Favorite is........


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10

[StraightSix]

^Excellent! Thanks for starting my day right

[wren]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming
-- Alan, age 10

:bwahaha: he's trained well and early.

[StraightSix]

A Little Boy's Story

"Mommy ... I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy ..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight!"

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy ...

... started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[j_avonni]

Nabuko si Mommy.

[stinkaboy]

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just
to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful
car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery,
an unexpected little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if
anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now.
But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you
today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir,
what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame,
I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by
touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price."

[silverbx986]

One for the Ladies


Men Are Like.....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives...They irritate the crrap out of you.
2. Men are like ..Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like .Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[nitrox]

from Keanna of Pinoy Big Brother:

Keanna: "Di ko alam na pinag-uusapan ako kasi ba't naman ako nila paguusapan?
di ko naman bertdey"
__________________________________________________ ____

Keanna: "Andami kong pimples wala kasing moisturizer eh"
Rico: "Ano ?"
Keanna: " Bakukang..andami kong bakukang( pertaining to her pimples)"
Rico: " Anong bakukang?"
Keanna: "Insekto..(tapos sabay hipo sa mukha niya)"
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna" "Buti na lang pinaligo na tayo, akala ko kasi sa Sabado pa puwedeng
maligo. Paano kaya sila matutulog non?"
( now, i dont get this. tayo tapos sila?)
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna to Koya: (About not taking bath) Pakiramdam ko po kasi hindi na ako
FRESH.
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna: "Rustrum!!"
Roxie: "Rustom hindi Rustrum!"
Keanna: *deadma mode" pakealam mo? mayaman ako sa letter R!
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna: (habang nagwawalis) "Hindi ako makatulog na madumi ang bahay kasi.
tapos mahilig pa kayong magkape. gusto ko tuloy kayong paluin"
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna: Ang hirap kaya mag-dishwasher
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna ay nagpa-fashion show sa harap ng mga housemates
habang nagpo-pose:

Keanna - "Dapat pala ay mag-pouch ako"
Housemates - "Pout hindi pouch( tapos halakhakan)"
Keanna - "Eh ano yung pouch past tense"
__________________________________________________ _

RULE: Bawal galawin ang furnitures ng wala akong pahintulot
Keanna: edi bawal pala gamitin yung rocking chair? kasi gagalaw yun
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna: "John Prats! John Prats! Kunin mo nga yung chicken."
(hahhahahahh! Full name talaga? )
__________________________________________________ __

Keanna: (from the rule book) si big bra.. brother ang magbibigay sa inyo ng
mga kakailanganing gamit...(thinks)... e bat di natin makita ung kamay ni
big bradir eh sya pla magbibigay( sbay twa sila..)
__________________________________________________ ___

ZANJOE: Yung kapatid ko ZANDRO...
KEANNA: Lahat kayo start sa 'S'??
__________________________________________________ ___

Keanna: "Ay naku wala na pag-asa tayo mag-modern times. Ito pa din ang
toothbrush...Talagang back to BISIKS tayo
__________________________________________________ __

Keanna - "Streppers ako"

:D

[chua_riwap]

from Keanna of Pinoy Big Brother:

Keanna: "Di ko alam na pinag-uusapan ako kasi ba't naman ako nila paguusapan?
di ko naman bertdey"
__________________________________________________ ____

Keanna: "Andami kong pimples wala kasing moisturizer eh"
Rico: "Ano ?"
Keanna: " Bakukang..andami kong bakukang( pertaining to her pimples)"
Rico: " Anong bakukang?"
Keanna: "Insekto..(tapos sabay hipo sa mukha niya)"
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna" "Buti na lang pinaligo na tayo, akala ko kasi sa Sabado pa puwedeng
maligo. Paano kaya sila matutulog non?"
( now, i dont get this. tayo tapos sila?)
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna to Koya: (About not taking bath) Pakiramdam ko po kasi hindi na ako
FRESH.
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna: "Rustrum!!"
Roxie: "Rustom hindi Rustrum!"
Keanna: *deadma mode" pakealam mo? mayaman ako sa letter R!
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna: (habang nagwawalis) "Hindi ako makatulog na madumi ang bahay kasi.
tapos mahilig pa kayong magkape. gusto ko tuloy kayong paluin"
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna: Ang hirap kaya mag-dishwasher
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna ay nagpa-fashion show sa harap ng mga housemates
habang nagpo-pose:

Keanna - "Dapat pala ay mag-pouch ako"
Housemates - "Pout hindi pouch( tapos halakhakan)"
Keanna - "Eh ano yung pouch past tense"
__________________________________________________ _

RULE: Bawal galawin ang furnitures ng wala akong pahintulot
Keanna: edi bawal pala gamitin yung rocking chair? kasi gagalaw yun
__________________________________________________ _

Keanna: "John Prats! John Prats! Kunin mo nga yung chicken."
(hahhahahahh! Full name talaga? )
__________________________________________________ __

Keanna: (from the rule book) si big bra.. brother ang magbibigay sa inyo ng
mga kakailanganing gamit...(thinks)... e bat di natin makita ung kamay ni
big bradir eh sya pla magbibigay( sbay twa sila..)
__________________________________________________ ___

ZANJOE: Yung kapatid ko ZANDRO...
KEANNA: Lahat kayo start sa 'S'??
__________________________________________________ ___

Keanna: "Ay naku wala na pag-asa tayo mag-modern times. Ito pa din ang
toothbrush...Talagang back to BISIKS tayo
__________________________________________________ __

Keanna - "Streppers ako"

:D

Putsa.....mas nakakatawa kesa kay Melanie M ito!

[Luap]

Good-Bye

A group of Cubans flee Cuba on their way to Miami. In the middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (the oldest one) suffers a major heart attack and as a last wish asks for a flag to say good-bye to his dearest homeland Cuba.

Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search desperately in their boat to find something that will resemble a flag of their country...a T-shirt, a handkerchief...anything. Almost ready to abandon all hope, a beautiful 20-year-old girl interrupts their desperate search to offer a tattoo of the Cuban flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks.

The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped, tanned buttock cheek. She approaches the dying man and sticks her ass right on his face.

The old man caresses the "flag," grabs her cheeks with both hands and starts kissing the flag with great passion, saying, "My dear Cuba, I say good-bye to you with great sadness. My land, my flag, Havana...I will miss you so."

After going on for almost 15 minutes non-stop, he says to the girl, "Now, Chica, turn around, por favor......I want to kiss Castro good-bye!"

[j_avonni]

MANAGEMENT QUOTES

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, Washington.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping.)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company.)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service.)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation.)

7. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division.)

8. One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

[nitrox]

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
for the worst answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly
woman.


He approached her and asked, " Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you
were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll
throw you in jail for contempt."

[StraightSix]

A Son's Bad Dream

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God, dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

[silverbx986]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive
for him because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the
money on
him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because
she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.

[Luap]

Newlywed Couple

A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when Sly the husband says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body, would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

She opens her robe and lets Sly see her naked body. And Sly says, You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.

"I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your picture next to my heart forever!"

She allows Sly to get the camera and take the picture. Then she says, Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body too, would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

Sly opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body. And she asks, Can I get the camera and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" Sly asks her. "I want to get it enlarged!"