[Merged] Just for Laughs

[Luap]

Call Center Conversations


Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre"

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours"

*****

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about"

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

*****

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):

"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

*****

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

*****

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

*****

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

*****

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

*****

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

*****

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

*****

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[silverbx986]

Mangled Manhood

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and
torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the
surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for
"medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a
medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over
with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on
the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The
man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

[j_avonni]

Woman is the Best Vehicle in the World:
Front - 2 bumpers,
Rear - 2 bumpers!
Self lubricating when hot!
Monthly Automatic Engine Oil Change!
All sizes of Piston Fits!

[the_wildthing]

Why Men Lie

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen
into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in
the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord
asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied. The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him
all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time
later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his
wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and
asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the
water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would
have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her,
you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have
given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of
all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me
with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!
That's our story, and we're sticking to it..

[bavent]

Subject: SOB


Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[empy]

ok yung kay bavent ah :bwahaha:

---------------------------------

Memo: Seeking a raise


I,the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I work head first
I do not get vacation time, weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases



Response from Management:


After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the order of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You take a lot of non-scheduled breaks
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe proper safety measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
You don't wait till retirement age before retiring
You don't like working double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

[silverbx986]

mas ok sayo bosing :bwahaha:

[bavent]

Subject: FW: Polish Divorce


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.



Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until
one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a
divorce for him "very quick."



The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on
the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:



LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"



POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."



LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"



POLE: "It made of concrete."



LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"



POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."



LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"



POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."



LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"



POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."



LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"



POLE: "No, I always up before her."



LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"



POLE: "No, she white."



LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"



POLE: "She going to kill me."



LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"



POLE: "I got proof.



LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"



POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'

[onat_1]

kulit nung POLISH na yun!

[konde]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild ***, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been? demanded his wife when he entered the house. Darling, I cant lie to you, Ive been having an affair with my secretary and weve been having *** all afternoon. I fell asleep and didnt wake up until eight oclock. The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, You lying bastard Youve been playing golf!

[silverbx986]

slow day at the office....here's one

This guy forgets his anniversary. His wife was madder then hell. She tells her husband. "OK. tomorrow there better be something in the driveway, that goes from zero to 200 in 6 seconds with a huge red bow on it.

So the next morning the wife wakes up and a package was in the driveway with a huge red bow on it. She opens the package and pulls out a bathroom scale.

[russpogi]

slow day at the office....here's one

This guy forgets his anniversary. His wife was madder then hell. She tells her husband. "OK. tomorrow there better be something in the driveway, that goes from zero to 200 in 6 seconds with a huge red bow on it.

So the next morning the wife wakes up and a package was in the driveway with a huge red bow on it. She opens the package and pulls out a bathroom scale.

Hahahaha!!!!

[Luap]

george



George Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any
tips
you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle. The Queen pushes a button on her
intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles, "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick
Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on
that one." Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but
none
can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and
recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles, "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office
and
asks to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the
answer
to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[silverbx986]

FOUR ANIMALS

(You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!)

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jack*ss to pay for all of it."

[silverbx986]

boring friday.... here's another

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are

You only need two tools:

WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

And finally.....Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

One out of every four people suffer from a Mental Disorder. If you have three friends, and none of them have a problem........................ well.... You do the math.....


If you woke up breathing, congratulations You get another chance!

[konde]

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with
great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new
boyfriend.

I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos
and his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.

He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed
to get better, he deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith


PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show
you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in
my desk's drawer...I love you!

[espeago]

Vaury Nice sir Konde..u made me start my day there.

[silverbx986]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a ***ual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources
supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's ***ually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[BeetOls]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a ***ual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources
supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's ***ually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

kaya naman pla!

[silverbx986]

here's another one....

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell
phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free
speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the
room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$80,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just
o ffer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this cell phone belongs to?"