[Merged] Just for Laughs

[leinahtan]

According to a proposed new law that would go into effect, Nov. 1, 2005 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter. I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. Then we tried it with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

A photo is attached so scroll down & take a look.

I can hear you laughing. I thought you could use a laugh.

[V-dub*chic]

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs
and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who
stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and
joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of
the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he
was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the
General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became
so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz
for his birthday.

The second guy says: Da! mn, that's terrific!! My son is also my
pride and
joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency
for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot
and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns
the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.


The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also
my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best
universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction
company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also
gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for
his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his
friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes
of theirs sons. The fourth friend, who earlier had gone to restroom
returned and asked: What'! s going on, what are all the
congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the
pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What
about your son?

The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing
as a stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible!
What a disappointment you must feel!
The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my
son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is
very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the
other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new
jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?

Now isn't that special?

[carfrancis]

BLIND DATE

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."


ELDERLY WOMAN AND PAINTER

AN elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist:

"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex."

The confused artist said: "But you're not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "But if I die before my husband, I'm sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[artpogi]

If Noah was a Filipino...

It is the year 2005 and Noah lives in the PHILIPPINES.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."


Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a Mayor's permit for construction and your plans "did not comply with the codes". I had to hire their "engineering firm" and "redraw" the plans. Then I got into a fight with Municipal Fire Safety Inspector over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and extinguishers. Then my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a permit from the municipal planning office. The Municipal Planning office told me to get a barangay clearance. But when I went to the Barangay Captain, he said I should first get a permit from the municipal planning office. I got confused. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the
Monkey-Eating Eagle. I finally convinced the DENR that I needed the wood to save the eagles. However, the DENR won't let me catch any eagles. So, no eagles.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the KMU. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no eagles. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the DENR again notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact assessment on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the DPWH demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the DOLE that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!


The BIR has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the BIR that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational watercraft.

The NBI and ISAFP each wanted a piece of the action alleging that the Ark would be used by Garcillano to escape. The PNP on the other hand insists that Mr. Arroyo might use the Ark to flee to the USA.

Malacanang sees the opportunity to use the Ark for GMA's Strong Republic Nautical Highway presidential campaign sorties. Upon hearing my building the Ark, Congress did what they always do --- formed a fact-finding committee.

I'm not worried about that though because they've never had anything done anyway. Finally the Senate got the courts to issue a TRO against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 10 or 16 years!"

Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth?............

Lord replied?" "No," said the Lord sadly....

"The government is already doing that."

[espeago]

Nice!

[russpogi]

keep 'em coming!! :D

[StraightSix]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are running away together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed ,

Rich As Hell and Free!

[onat_1]

bwahahahahahahhahha!!!!!!

[NightRock]

Students at a Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.


They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.


Then the professor started the class by telling them:


"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor:


The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."


The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.


"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students.


The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.


When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:


"The second important quality is observation.


I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people

[just4u]

Students at a Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.


They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.


Then the professor started the class by telling them:


"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor:


The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."


The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.


"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students.


The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.


When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:


"The second important quality is observation.


I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people

ha!ha!ha! kakatawa nga.....

[basti08]

hahaha...buti na lang wala ako prof na ganyan.... at nursing lang ako...

bwahehehehe....

[flakez]

bwahahahaha. anak ng. ano kaya lasa non. hahahaha

[kimpOy]

KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....

"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sa
bahay-bakasyunan niyo."

"O, Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?"

"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong
parrot."

"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show?"

"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."

"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon. Hay,
buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"

"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."

"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng
bulok na karne?"

"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."

"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Arnaldo?"

"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila
sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."

"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"

"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."

"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?"

"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isang
nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang
apoy...."

"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para
saan 'yung kandila?"

"Para sa burol po."

"Ano? Kaninong burol?"

"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi,
walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril
ko."

[artpogi]

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are
all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks
the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,"Karina have you ever had
any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, " Well
once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front
of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want
to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it."

[mazdamazda]

Ganito magsabi ng masamang balita...




KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....



"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo."



"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?



"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong parrot."



"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show?



"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."



"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon. Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"



"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."



"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?"



"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."



"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"



"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat



sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."



"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"



"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."



"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?"



"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy...."



"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para saan 'yung kandila?"



"Para sa burol po."



"Ano? Kaninong burol?



"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko."

[rsnald]

taken from Philippine Scout rangers yahoo group ;)

TOP 10 WAYS A GUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
>
>
>
> #10 -- YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW .22.
>
> #9 -- YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE
> ON THE ROAD.
>
> #8 -- IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABL
> LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
>
>
>
> #7 -- YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR
> A BACK UP.
>
> #6 -- YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
>
> #5 -- A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
>
> #4 -- HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
>
> #3 -- A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
>
> #2 -- A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
>
> And, the number one way a handgun is better than a woman:
>
> #1 -- YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!
>
>


YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005,WHEN....

1. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
2. You have a list of 10 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
3. You e-mail the person who lives in the house next door.
4. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and
family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
5. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three Different companies.
6. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.
7. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use
your mobile phone to see if anyone is home
to help you carry in the groceries.
10. Leaving the house without your mobile phone,
which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years
of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go and get it.
11. You get up in the morning and go on line
before getting your coffee.
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are
going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that
there wasn't a #9 on this list.

[StraightSix]

re: Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: October 01, 2005 RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

...

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2005 RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

...

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employ ees DATE: October 03, 2005 RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

...

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2005 RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

...

FROM:: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F**king Employees DATE: October 05, 2005 RE: The F**king Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with y ou people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f**king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bi**ch from HEL!!!!!!!!

Patty

...

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2005 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.

Joan

[russpogi]

hahahaha!!!!!!

[StraightSix]

A year in a blonde's life

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... duh, bottles won't fit in typewriter.

March - Got excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said "2-4 years"!

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid ... 8 cups of water won't fit those little packets!!!

June - Want to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... others cheated - they used their arms.

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm ... car was swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C" ... isn't it???

October - I hate M&M's ... they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions say 1 hr per pound ... I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911 .. duh, there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!!

[wren]

umakyat daw ng puno next to the church yung little girl. nakita ng pari, pinababa nya. on her way down, napansin ng pari na walang suot na underwear yung bata, naawa yung pari, binigyan nya ng 20 pesos and said "eto ineng, pambili ng panty mo".

the little girl went home excited and went to the mom with the 20 pesos. the mom asked where she got it, and the little girl told her what happened.

the mom, sensing opportunity to make an easy 20 pesos, took off her panty and climbed the same tree. nakita din ng pari, pinababa din nya, and of course couldn't help but noticed na walang panty yung nanay. binigyan nya ng 1 peso and said "eto po, pambili ng blade".