[Merged] Just for Laughs

[BlueBimmer]

aahahahahahaaaa!!!!

[espeago]

a man comes home late at night and finds his wife already asleep in bed. he gets in beside her but soon finds that he can't sleep. so he snuggles in closer and starts to amorously caress her back...

wife (sleepy) - "honey, i can't! i have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow"
man (disappointed) - "oh, ok"

a few minutes later, the man starts to caress his wife again...

wife (annoyed) - "i already told you that i have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow!!"
man - "i know, but you don't have a dentist appointment, do you?"

:bwahaha:

HAHAHAHAHAHA

[espeago]

Ways to propose

Guys can follow these at their own risk .... do let me know of any rewards
u get.


1. (Walk up behind a girl and point fingers shaped
like gun into her back)
"You're under arrest!" (For what?) "For stealing
my heart."

2. Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one?

3. Aren't your legs tired?
(girl: Why?)
Because you have been running through my mind
all day!

4. "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"

5. Can you give me directions to your heart?
I seem to have lost myself in your eyes

6. (Take a look at the tag on the girls shirt,
jacket,etc.)
She would say,"What are u doing"
Respond,"Oh, just checking to see if you were
made in Heaven."

7. (Pick up a flower and walk over to girl.)
"I was just showing this flower how beautiful
you are."

8. Walk up to a guy and say: "Are you from Greece?"
"No" he answers.
"Oh, I thought all the gods were from Greece"

9. Did you know they changed the alphabet?
They put U and I together.

10. Are you lost?
'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far
from heaven.

11. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I
have to walk by you
again?

12. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

13. Do you have a map?
I just got lost in your eyes.

14. You can forget about going to heaven because
it's a sin to look that good.

15. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

:inlove:

[carfrancis]

Siguro napapanahon ng palitan ang mga titulo ng mga
katungkulan, trabaho (job title), o "elected
positions" na dati nating nakasanayan.



President - Pasimuno
Vice President - Kunsintidor
Secretary - Palsipikador
Treasurer - Kubrador
Auditor - Kasabwat
Business Manager - Gastador
Public Relations Officer - Tsismoso
Sergeant-at-Arms - Pasaway
Representative - Pahamak
Observer - Usisero
Advocate - Taga-batikos
Spokesman - Bolero
Moderator - Taga-bulabog
Announcer - Manggugulat
Monitor - Taga-silip
Inspector - Taga-lapirot
Investigator - Mangangalkal
Enforcer - Tirador
Jail Warden - Sadista
Prosecutor - Tagapaglait
Judge - Tagahugas-kamay
Aide - Taga-istorbo
Assistant - Galamay
Adviser - Sulsol
Consultant - Mangangalakal
Contractor - Estapador
Expert - Punong-Yabang
Technical Writer - Manlilinlang
Spin Doctor - Taga-himas
Headhunter - Taga-silat
Headshrinker - Basagulero
Director - Taga-udyok
Manager - Taga-kulit
Boss - Busabos
Supervisor - Ambisyoso
Chief Accountant - Punong-Gahaman
Sales Vendor - Pirata
Collector - Mangingikil
Custodian - Taga-ligpit
Dispatcher - Taga-dispatsa
Distributor - Taga-kalat
Delivery Man - Taga-iwan ng Gamit
Circulation Head - Taga-bilog ng Ulo
Purchaser - Palengkera
Receptionist - Palikera
Clerk Typist - Taga-parami ng Papel
Messenger - Tagatulak ng Papel
Janitor - Taga-limas
Plumber - Taga-tagas
Repairman - Mambubutingting
Gardener - Damuho
Utility Man - Inutil
Watchman - Istambay
Security Guard - Bantay-Salakay
Doorman - Nagpapalusot
Driver - Kaskasero
Chance Passenger - Malas na Nakikiangkas
Comedian - Alaskador
Entertainer - Kerengkeng

[kimpOy]

EXTRA EXTRA HEAR ALL ABOUT IT!!!!

*dalawang kalbo,nag-sabunutan.

* Capt. Hook dumaan sa Quiapo,
pinirata!!!

* Palaisdaan, nasunog!!!

* Tahanang Walang Hagdan, inakyat!!!

* Bakla sumali sa away, napasubo!!!

* Bagong tuli nagyabang, lumaki ang
ulo!!!

* Bulag nakapatay, nagdilim daw ang
paningin!!!

* Iceman nanood ng ****o, nag-init!!!

* Tindera ng suka, tinoyo!!!

* Teacher nagkamali, tinuruan ng
leksyon!!!

* Lolo naakusahang nang-rape,
pero sa korte....biktima ayaw tumayo!!!

* Eroplano nag-crash, lahat ng
pasahero namatay sabi ng mga survivor!!!

* Basurero nagsampa ng kaso,
binasura!!!

* Dahil may reklamo, eskwelahan ng
mga bingi nag-noise barrage!!!

* Tubero, nagka-tulo!!!

* Lalaki natagpuang pugot ang ulo,
inaalam kung buhay pa!!!

* Barbero tumestigo sa krimen, ayaw
paniwalaan!!!

* Misis ng photographer, nakunan!!!

* Tindera ng tubig, namatay sa uhaw!!!

* Kaso ng pilay, nilalakad!!!

* Invisible man, nakita na!!!

[j_avonni]

Just received this text message:

Wait for the smoke to come from Malacanang:
If baby blue - si Gloria pa rin;
If yellow - si Cory uli;
Pag puti - usok sa cigar ni FVR;
Pag pink - si Susan na;
Kung itim - sunog na palasyo.

[ranod55]

laughs specially funny jokes,make easier and moody start of work-keep that way so everybody is happy...

[j_avonni]

Anak,

Medyo mabagal akong magsulat ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal ka ring
magbasa. Nandito na kami sa Estados Unidos para bantayan ang bagong
biling bahay ng kapatid mo. Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil
dinala ng dating nakatira ang address para daw hindi na sila magpalit ng
address.

Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila. Dalawang beses lang
umulan sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong
pangalawa.

Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad nun nabili ko na
shampoo dahil ayaw bumula. Nakasulat kasi "FOR DRY HAIR" kaya hindi ko binabasa
ang buhok ko pag ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa Walmart at
magrereklamo ako.

Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw
bumukas ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay "YALE", eh aba namalat na ako sa
kasisigaw ay hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng
bahay, akala nila hindi ko alam na SIGAW ang tagalog ng "YALE", wise
yata ito!

Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na
magugustuhan mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa "Federal Express" medyo mahal
daw dahil mabigat ang mga butones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang
ang mga butones at inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na
lang pag dating diyan.

Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi
ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor. Nakakahiya
naman kung ipagkakalat ko pa.

Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon
siyang 500 na tao sa ilalim niya. Nag-gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial
park, okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod.

Nakapanganak na rin pala ang ate baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung
babae o lalake kaya hindi ko pa masasabi na kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or
auntie. Wala na akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka na lang ng madalas.

Love,
Papa

p.s. Maglalagay sana ako ng pera, kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang
envelope. Next time na lang ha

[tinky]

^^ u made my cheeks hurt from laughing..that's a good one!

[nitrox]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely
packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He
asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man
jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No,
no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz
chord!"

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get
up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[BlueBimmer]

hahahahahaaaa!!!

[kimpOy]

Host: What "N" (narra) is the
national tree of the Philippines?
Contestant: Niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!

Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant: Sa back?
Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta).
Contestant: Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern name nito(Rizal Park).
Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)

Host: Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka
doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng
naka-bikini.
Contestant: Beerhouse!

Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na
sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw aynalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host:Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant : Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy"
at matipuno nga ang kaniyang
katawan.
Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!

Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?

Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines?
Contestant: Sunflower?
Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?
Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!

Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia?
Contestant: Carole KING?
Host:Hindi, mas mababa sa king.
Contestant: Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?
Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?
Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant: Jerry PONS?
Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.
Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!

Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue,may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant:Nora Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".
Contestant: Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi.Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!

One more dagdag:

Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of the Philippines?
Contestant: Kuto?
Host: Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.
Contestant: Kutong Lupa!

[kimpOy]

*No offense guys ah... Enjoy reading Very Happy


How do you know students by smell?
DLSU: Polo
ADMU: Hugo Boss
San Beda: Banana Republic
UP: Penshoppe
UE: Bench
Adamson: Axe
PUP: Downy
AMA: Lysol
Favorite looney tune character of colleges:
DLSU: taz
ADMU: bugs bunny
UP: sylvester
UST: tweety
FEU: porky pig
AMA: Marvin... and Jolina

Iba't-ibang reaksyon ng mga
estudyante ng makakita prostitute:
UP: bayaran!
DLSU: flirt!
ADMU: loose!
San Beda: how much?
AMA: hi classmate
FEU: hi suki!

School's reaction when flooded:
La Salle: Oh my God its baha!
Ateneo: #### its flooded again!
UST: Tangina, baha na naman!
UP: **** pare baha!
AMA: Tara ligo tayo!

Reaction upon the loss of a wallet:
DLSU: Lost my credit cards!
ATENEO: Lost 10 grand!
UST: Lost my Cartier wallet!
UP: Lost my driver's license, too!
AMA: Ay! Nasama yung picture ni Jolina!

Favorite chicken ng mga universities:
DLSU: Kenny Rogers
ADMU: Mary's
UST: KFC
UP: Andok's
AMA: Maggi chicken cubes!

Bracelet ng mga estudyante:
La Salle: Philip Cartier
Benilde: Tennis bracelet
CRC: Tiffany
UST: Silver works
UE: friendship bracelet
AMA: rubber band
FEU: tattoo

MAHIRAP LAHAT
Sa UP, mahirap ang Math.
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Assumption, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa St. Scho, mahirap sumakay sa LRT
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki

MGA GUSTONG PAG-UUSAPAN
DLSU: showbiz
ADMU: books
ST. SCHO: boys
SAN BEDA: boys
LETRAN: pamporma
AMA: pucha! kami nanaman? kelan niyo ba kami titigilan? STI naman.
WHEN CELL CONNECTION IS CUT OFF
ATENEO: Hello? hello? F*CK GLOBE
DLSU: Hello? Siyett!!
UST: Hello? Tangna, putol na naman
FEU: Hello? hello? putragis na cell 'to
AMA: Hello? hello?..........(pabulong) Jolina?
FAVORITE PICK UP LINES
ATENEO: Hi! wanna ride in my new car?
UP Let's study together after school.
UST: Libre kita ng dinner.
DLSU: Let's have a date this weekend.
AMA: Date naman tayo, hindi ako taga AMA
FAVORITE MOVIE HOUSE
DLSU: Louie's
ATENEO: Glorietta
UP: MegaMall
UST: New Love
FEU: Recto
AMA: Abenson (sa labas ng TV display, libre nood ng VCD)
FAVORITE CAR
ATENEO: Jaguar
DLSU: BMW
UP: Mercedez Benz
UST: Expedition
SAN BEDA: Volvo
AMA: 4x4 Tamiya
FAVORITE ELECTRONIC APPLIANCE
DLSU: Home Theater DVD
ATENEO: VCD portable player
UP: Computer Laptop
UST: Tamiya orig.
AMA: Tamiya fake
FAVORITE BATH SOAP
ATENEO: Irish Spring
DLSU: Dove
UP: Safeguard
UST: Perla
AMA: Downy
FAVORITE CANTEEN FOOD
ATENEO: Steak w/ mashed potato
DSLU: BBQ chicken w/ java rice
UP: Burgers and fries
UST: Pork Chop with rice
AMA: Sosy kami! 555 sardines, very saucy.
PAG UMORDER NG BEER
DLSU: Blue Ice please.
ATENEO: Miller please.
UST: Super Dry please.
UP: Cerveza Negra po.
AMA: Tangna, Sandali lang... sabay-sabay order nyo.

WHILE WATCHING GIRLIE SHOWS
ATENEO: I like that girl!
DLSU: ***Y!!!
UP: Galing Sumayaw.
UST: Makalaglag brief.
AMA1: Uy si classmate!
AMA2: Uwi na tayo, yung mama san, nanay ko!
AMA3: Mamaya na, malapit na show ng ate ko.
DURING BROWN OUT
DLSU: F*ck MERALCO
ATENEO: Geeze, it's dark.
UP: Hindi ako maka kopya sa katabi ko.
UST: Takot ako sa dilim!
AMA Jolina? kaw ba yan?
FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK
ATENEO: Harry Potter 1
DLSU: Harry Potter 2
CRC: Harry Potter 3
UP: Harry Potter 4
AMA: Connect The Dots 1-10
FAVORITE BUFFET RESTAURANT
DLSU: Saisaki
ATENEO: Dad's
UST: Kamayan
UP: Cabalen
AMA: uhmmm... kung anung favorite ni jolina, yun na din ang sa min.
FAVORITE HAMBURGER
ATENEO: Mcdonald's
DLSU: Carl's burger
UST: Burger king
UP: Wendy's
FEU: Burger Machine
ADAMSON: Scott's burger (buy1, take1)
AMA: Scott's burger (yung take 1)
FAVORITE SHAMPOO
Favorite Everyday Shampoo:
DLSU: Finesse
Ateneo: St. Ives
St. Scho: Revlon
UST: Rejoice
FEU: Shellgard
AMA: Toilet Duck.
PAG NAHULI NG PULIS FOR CAR VIOLATION
ATENEO: Sorry sir, here's five hundred pesos for the boys.
DLSU: Pasensya na sir, etong two hundred.
UP: Bossing, pagusapan na lang natin sa one hundred.
UST: 50 pesos lang dala ko, pwede na ba 'to?
AMA: Buti nga sa inyo nahuli kayo! hehehe.. Thank You ser! gusto? Stork o Maxx?
FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS
DLSU: Oh my gosh.
ATENEO: what the hell...
UST: Yucky.
AMA: Walang Tulugan! (formerly Chuvachuchu)
VARSITY TEAMS
ATENEO Blue Eagles
LA SALLE Green Archers
UP Maroons
FEU Tamaraws
AMA Centers (formerly AMA Jolinians)

[kimpOy]

----------------------------------------------------
Jinggoy: Dad totoo bang may side effect ang Viagra?
Erap: Tanga, sa harap ang effect niyan hindi sa side.
----------------------------------------------------

Nagkita ang pari at madre sa isang seminar
Pari : Ano ang apelyido mo, Sister?
Madre : Hulaan mo, hinahawakan mo gabi-gabi.
Pari : Titi ?!!
Madre : Susmaryosep! Rosario po ang apelyido ko!
-----------------------------------------------

MISTER: Pag namatay ka, isusulat ko sa nitso mo "MALAMIG
NUNG BUHAY, MAS MA LAMIG NUNG MAMATAY!"
MISIS: Ah ganun?! sa nitso mo naman "SA WAKAS NANIGAS DIN!"
---------------------------------------------------

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..
---------------------------------------------------

***Y: Maawa ka! meron ako, meron ako!
RAPIST: AHH! Walang meron-meron sa kin! TITIKMAN KITAA!!
***Y: WAG! AY!
RAPIST: Yaakk!! Meron ka nga! Meron kang itlog. Bakla!
-----------------------------------------------------
RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA: we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA: you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!
--------------------------------------
KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala
pa rin siya! Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya."

[silver_corolla]

Pinapili ako sa dalawa: Ikaw o Pera? Pinili kita. Me pera ka naman,
di ba?

*****
***y: Pa-check-up po, Doc
Doc: O sige, Punta ka sa likod ng kurtina. Maghubad ka na.
***y: Hindi po ako. Itong Lola k o po.
Doc: Ganoon ba. Sige Lola, hingang malalim.

*****
Sa isang cemetery, nakalagay sa magkatabing lapida:
Here lies my loving wife - cold as usual
Here lies my loving husband - stiff at last

*****
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE *** OF SMALL MEN ? ANSWERS:
compact dicks
OF ALIENS? laser dicks
OF OLD MEN? Floppy dicks
OF YOUND MEN? Hard dicks
OF ABU SAYYAF? Pirated dicks

*****
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after ***? He
replied, "It depends, if I can find a phone."

*****
Anong madalas sabihin after ***?
"I love you" Mali
"Ang sarap" Mali
"Galing-galing mo" Mali
"Ang hapdi" Mali pa rin
"Eh ano?..."
"Ang pamunas, Dali"

*****
A CHINESE STORY:
Ako swelte. Date ako chick sa motel .
Paklabas ko, kita ko akyen Misis may kasama lalaki. Sila check-in.
Ako tago. Di ako huli. Swelte talaga.

*****
Sarap talaga lalo na kapag sa kama mo ginawa. Kahit nga sa cine or
kotse, pwede na.
Nasubukan ko na rin sa trabaho, muntik pa nga akong mahuli. Ang
sarap matulog talaga.

*****
CONFUCIUS SAYS:
Before you criticize anyone, walk a mile in his shoes.
This way, if he gets mad, you are a mile away, and you have his
shoes too.

*****
Anak: Dear Itay, padalhan mo ako ng pera kasi ang mga damit ko
pinakakain ng mga daga.
Itay: Dear Anak, wala akong pera. Kung gusto mo, meron ditong pusa.

*****
Isang babae bumili ng asukal. Inabot ng tindera, pero sabi ng
babae, "Miss, asin itong binigay mo sa akin."
Tindera: Hindi, asukal yan. Minarkahan lang naming "Asin" para
hindi langgamin.

*****
WIFE: Hudas ka! Lagi kang umuuwing lasing! Naaasar na tuloy ako sa
mukha mo!
HUSBAND: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang
maaasar sa mukha mo!

*****
ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun.
Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!

*****
M'AM: Inday, sa susunod, ayokong pinakikialaman mo ang condom namin
ng sir mo!
INDAY: M'am, hwag kayong magbibintang! Di kami sanay ni
Sir gumamit niyan! Sobra kayo!

*****
MRS: Lolokohin ko mister ko. Magpapanggap akong pick-up girl ako.
Pagkita kay Mister: Hi Pogi! AVAILABLE ako ngayon....
MR: Ayoko sa yo!! ! Kamukha mo misis ko!!

[nitrox]

The Landlord

A man met a beautiful girl, and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.

So, they spent the night together.

In the morning before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment".

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.

So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:


"Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat; and
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:


"Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

********
Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
:D

[onat_1]

got this from someone read on,

a lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address:

a minneapolis couple decided to go to florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.they planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.because of hectic schedules,it was difficult to coordinate their travel schdules.so the husband left minneapolis and flew to florida on thursday,with his wife flying down the following day.
the husband checked into the hotel,and unlike years ago,there was a computer in his room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.however,he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address,and without noticing his error,sent the e-mail.
meanwhile....somewhere in houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.he was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.the widow decided to check her e-mail,expecting messages from relatives and friends.after reading the first message,she screamed and fainted.
the widow's son rushed to the room,found his mother on the floor,and they glanced up the computer screen which read:




To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday,October 13,2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me.They have computers here now,and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in.I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow,and look forward to seeing you then.hope your journey is as eventful as mine was.



PS:Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

[Greaseman]

A Man marries a deaf girl. He mimes to her "Lets make a signal code if we want ***. She nods & agrees. So he goes: I'll squeeze your breast if I want ***. In response you can shake my penis once for "Yes" & 50 times for "No".
-----xxx-----
A 95 yr old man sucks his 90 wife's breast for half an hour, drinks 2 drops of her milk & dies. Post-mortem report - Died of drinking something after EXPIRY DATE.
-----xxx-------
Last night grandma wore a see-through top, grandpa did'nt notice. The 2nd night grandma wore a bikini, grandpa got a shock, And on, the 3rd night, she got naked & grandpa says to her" Why is your dress so crumpled....???
-------xxx-------
************************************************** *****

Clocks!

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in
front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind
him. He asked,

"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will
move".

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never
moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."

"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is
that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's
clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in
his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it
as a ceiling fan !"

************************
One question interview

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill
A job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who
Were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT.

It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
Asked the second man.

Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know
That it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a
Very popular clich・for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
Wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across
The pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an
instant. Yep,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
Thought the had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of
light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
Same question The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous

answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known
is DIARRHEA."

WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I
wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before
I could

THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants!"

>
>HE GOT THE JOB

[Greaseman]

Wisdom of Love


If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.

Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, and repeat

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
She'll evolve.

Statistician:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive:
If you love somebody don't set her free.

[Greaseman]

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.
The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."