[Merged] Just for Laughs

[mazdamazda]

The daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out:

"Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us? Not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mom through??!!"

The girl, crying: "Sniff, sniff.. dad.. I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot, sinner! You're a disgrace to this family! I don't ever want to see you again!" OK, Dad. As you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat and title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million for my little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the spanking new BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country Club.. and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve, on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and ..

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!"

"Oh, Gee! you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "A Protestant! Come here and give your old man a hug!"

[BlueBimmer]

wahahahahhaha!!!!

[mazdamazda]

The following is a letter found at a certain bar in Manila and has been preserved in its original, unedited form. Enjoy reading and you may try direct translation in Tagalog. Please read with feelings...



October 1996



To Marjie,

I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you're very fat body. I thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I'm realize that he really can't not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you're habit of making pakialam all his walks and always calling to their house what he go home or this or that.

And then he say he get ashame to met iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you're very, very, very fat body. But you hate it. Thoughth your the most preetiest girls he knows about. What do you think you are "Beautiful Girl" of Jose Marie Chan? Even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the right to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I'm never call you names iether in the front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I don't have any other choice but to call you other different name to. Like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you're body that is to a BUDING. You can't blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I am the more ***ier than you when you look to us in the mirror.

I'm repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.



Love,
The ***iest Girl of D.M.



P.S. You say that I'm the bad breathe but who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me. There you go.

[BlueBimmer]

good english!

[mhelskie]

uuuuuyyyy naintindihan ko ibig nyang sabihin kahit sobrang tawa ko habang binabasa letter nya!!! wahahahahaha

[silverbx986]

When the "F" word is acceptable.....

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.


They are as follows:


11. "What the F*** do you mean, we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912



10. "What the F*** was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945



9. "Where did all those F***ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877



8. "Any F***ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938



7. "It does so F***ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926



6. "How the F*** did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC



5. "You want WHAT on the F***ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566



4. "Where the F*** are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937



3. "Scattered F***ing showers, my butt!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC



2. "Aw c'mon. Who the F*** is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998 and a drum roll please............!



1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this F***ing mad."

-- Saddam Hussein,


And if you have seen this before, am I supposed to be F***ing sorry?

[silverbx986]

This is when you need good hearing skills!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour
operation. A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and
feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles
black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only
here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his 'johnson'
in one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and
says, "There's nothing wrong with them."

The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was really nice, but listen very, very closely, "Are...my...test...results...back?"

[Field Master]

A Filipino is having breakfast in a hotel in France one morning...
coffee, croissants,bread, butter & jam when an
American, chewing a gum, sits down next to him. ThePinoy ignores the
Kano who,nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Kano: "You Filipinos eat the whole bread??"
Pinoy (nayayabangan sa Kano): "Of course."
Kano: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In America, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the Philippines."
The American has a smirk on his face. The Pinoy listens in silence.
Still The American persists.
Kano: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
Pinoy: "Of Course."
Kano: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In
America we eat fresh fruits for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
jam and sell the jam to the Philippines."
Pinoyasar na talaga) asks: "Do you ve *** in America?"
Kano:"Why of course we do."
Pinoynow smirking): "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"
Kano: (a bit puzzled): "We throw them away, of course."
Pinoy: "We don't. In my beloved Philippines, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to America...
BWAHAHAHA!!

[BlueBimmer]

Lol

[silverbx986]

joke time muna ulit....

The Dentist's Office

A man walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here" he says. "Take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra". The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" "No." replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

[mazdamazda]

Subject: Of Ghosts and Goats

This is a true story...daw

In one of Oprah Winfrey's talk shows, a survey was conducted among her audience. Since the subject was about ghosts she started asking her audience these survey questions:
Oprah: How many of you have seen a ghost? Please stand up!

Amazingly, about 20 people stood up.

Oprah: Wow , isn't that really phenomenal? And now for the next question- For you guys standing up - how many of you have actually spoke to a ghost?

About five stayed standing up.

Oprah: (At this point, really getting tremendously excited!) Wow, imagine that? These people actually spoke to a ghost. And now for the last question, how many of you five guys have actually made love to a ghost?

Four guys sat down except one, at the last row of seats. The crowd exploded.

Oprah: May we call the gentleman to come to the stage please!

At this the cameras focused on an aging old man and guess what, a Filipino guy.

Oprah: Wow, that was unbelievable: Sir, may we know who you are?

My name is Topacio Mamaril - my friends call me "Top Gun" for short.

Oprah: What do you do and where are you from?

Top Gun: I am a retired Navy man from Ilokos, am living in Napa Valley, Calif and am a farmer by trade.

Oprah: Interesting! So, you really made love to a ghost?

Top Gun: (somewhat irked) What ghost? I thought you said GOAT!

[carfrancis]

>Southpark: Words of Wisdom
>
>1 It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
>2 Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
>3 If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek
counseling.
>4 Please tell your pants that it is not polite to point.
>5 If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
>6 Constipated people don't give a crap.
>7 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
>8 The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
>9 Gravity is a myth...the Earth sucks.
>10 Don't judge a book by its movie.
>11 If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
>12 When all else fails, follow instructions.
>13 Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.
>14 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
>15 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
>16 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
>17 On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten...
>18 Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser.
>19 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
>20 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
>21 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>22 When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.
>23 The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
>24 Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
>25 Two rules in life are deny everything, and now I have no idea
>whatyou're
>talking about.
>26 If Christmas isn't about the giving or the receiving, you ain't
got
>much
>to ride on.
>27 Don't judge a book by its cover unless the inside flap gives the
story
>away.
>28 If an idiot throws a knife at you, take off the sheeth and stab
him
>inthe
>back.
>29 Nobody ever died from hard work, but I don't wanna take the risk.
>30 If an idiot throws a grenade at you, pull the pin and throw it
back.
>31 There's nothing wrong with your idea except for one little
thing:
>it's
>existence.
>32 You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than
>theperson>
> >you're with.
>33 All generalizations are false.
>34 Why does the pope have bullet proof glass on his car? Is he
afraid
>he's
>gunna get shot and go to heaven?
>35 It's as bad as you think...they ARE all out to get you.
>36 You're unique, just like everyone else.
>37 There are only three kinds of people in this world. Those who can
>count,>
> >and those who can not.
>38 Don't do drugs....do medicine.
>39 A penny saved is, a penny ok? Who cares? 1 penny!!!!! How much
>interest>
> >does that generate a year huh?
>40 On the road of life, don't forget to flick off anyone who cuts
you
>off.
>41 When in doubt, do like others get psychiatric help about it.
>42 The only difference between smart and stupid people, is that you
>dontbrag
>about being stupid.
>43 If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
>44 The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
>45 Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
>46 I have my doubts about disbelief.
>47 I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough
anxiety in
>my>
> >life.
>48 I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me
paranoid.
>49 Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
>50 Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe
>indragons.

[carfrancis]

Continuation...

>51 Honk if you love peace & quiet.
>52 Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
>53 Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various
important
>occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why> >restrict it to
plants?
>Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
>54 Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be
reminded
>every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we
are
>doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
>55 If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why
don't
>you>
> >ever see anyone take one to the beach?
>56 Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone
>companies,and> >when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV>
>shows, and
>when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
>57 Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay
to
>go>
> >the> >bathroom in a handicapped stall?
>58 All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me?
No>
> >wonder> >they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just> >what did
those
>idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
>59 Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that
when
>the>
> >person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you> >are
compelled
>to
>move up too? Do we really think we are making progress> >toward our
>destination? Whew, I thought we> >would be late, but now that I am
nine
>inches closer, I can stop forcoffee > >and a danish!"
>60 Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
>61 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you
just
>sit>
> >there.
>62 An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just
>foundout.
>63 Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now.
>64 If it was a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many
>clothes>
> >with her?
>65 Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing
>liquid>
> >contains real lemons?
>66 Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
>67 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
>68 Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
>69 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
>70 What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
>71 If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and
there
>isno>
> >woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?
>72 If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?
>73 Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?"
>74 Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>75 What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered
>>
> >plant?
>76 If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
>77 Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
>78 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
>willclean> >them?
>79 If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
>80 If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
>81 Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>82 Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
>83 If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
>remain>
> >silent?
>84 How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
>85 Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
>86 Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>87 Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
>88 What was the best thing before sliced bread?
>89 What if there were no hypothetical situations?
>90 If you are dyslexic and cross-eyed, can you read okay?
>91 Who puts those THIN ICE" signs out there?"
>92 If the world were flat would we still have Columbus Day?
>93 When people make a new Champagne, do they break a boat over it?
>94 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
>95 Why is the word abbreviation so long?
>96 Can fat people go skinny dipping?
>97 Why doesn't anyone make a table out of coaster material?
>98 How come when you fix your copier it reproduces, but when you fix
a
>dogit
>doesn't?
>99 If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, and olive oil is made of
>olives,>
> >what is baby oil made of?
>100 Why are there locks on a 7-11 if they're open 24 hours a day?
>101 How does Teflon stick to the pan?
>102 Why isn't phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?"
>103 Why are they called apartments if they're all squeezed together?
>104 If pro is the opposite of con, then is progress the opposite of
>congress?
>105 Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
>106 If a cow laughed, would milk come of out her nose?
>107 What is a free gift?" Aren't all gifts free?"
>108 If at first you don't succeed, deny you were even trying.
>109 There's nothing more annoying than two people talking when your
>interrupting.
>110 He who laughs last thinks slowest!
>111 It takes many nails to build a cradle, but only one screw to fill
it.
>112 I'm not humble because I don't like to lie.
>113 Don't give me that there's no I in team" crap. There's no U in
team
>either. "
>114 No one likes a loser. Be a cheater.
>115 I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
>116 It's not kids in the backseat that cause accidents, it's
accidents
>inthe
>back seat that cause kids.
>117 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the senic
>route.
>118 If someone has a mid-life crisis during a hide-&-seek game, does
that
>mean he automatically loses because he can't find> himself?
>119 Sarcasm keeps you from telling people what you really think of
them.
>120 You can't be late until you show up.
>121 I talk to myself mainly because I like dealing with a better
class of
>people.
>122 The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's
unfamiliar
>territory.
>123 Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
>124 Computers help us do stupid things faster.
>125 Life is a ***ually transmitted disease, & it's 100% fatal.
>126 My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
>127 Make war, not love, it's safer.
>128 If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill
themself, is
>that considered a hostage situation.
>129 Don't lie, steal, or cheat, because the government hates
competition.
>130 If you want to honor something, hold a canned food drive.
>131 The ultimate form of hypocrisy is someone persuading you to be
>individualistic.
>132 Wise man once say, man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with
>smelly>
> >finger.
>133 It is impossible to get drunk if you have puppets glued to your
hands.
>134 If we are here to help others, what are the others here for?
>135 We treat star atheletes better because they are better people.
>136 Anything can be obtained through hard work, perseverance, and a
large>
> >assortment of automatic weapons.>

[silverbx986]

joke muna ulit....

A Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in a veterinarian’s office and strike up a conversation.

The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, "What are you here for?"
"I'm a pee-er, I pee on everything...the carpet, the sofa, the cat, even the kid. But the final straw was last night when I peed in the middle of my owners bed."
"So, what is the vet gonna do?" the Doberman asks.
"Lethal injection," came the sad reply from the Boxer.

The Doberman turns to the Lab and asked the same question.
"I'm a digger, I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch."
"So, what they gonna go to you?"
"Lethal injection," replied the dejected Lab.

The Lab asked the Doberman why he was there.
"I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, peoples legs, fire hydrants...anything. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away."

The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

"No, the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

:bwahaha:

[Karding]

The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

"No, the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

:bwahaha:

potah, nag enjoy ang owner :bwahaha:

[silverbx986]

tawa muna ulit tayo....

Where's My Wife?

A man approached a very beautiful woman in
the large dept. store and said,

"I've lost my wife here in the store.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman with a big breast like yours,
my wife appears out of nowhere"

:bwahaha:

[Karding]

potah, totoo yan kapatid :bwahaha:

[Field Master]

" Let this be a warning to everyone...
>
>
> My friend was going home from Laguna to Manila and was
> traversing a
> stretch of road na madilim. Then it happened, tumirik
> bigla yung kotse for no
> apparent reason. He checked the gas gauge, half filled
> naman, no other
> engine malfunction sa gauges. Basta the car just "died"
> on him.
>
> Nearby was this acacia tree so he decided na mag jingle
> muna. Then he heard
> a, "psssttt, halika dito". There he saw this very old
> man. Medyo
> natakot and nagulat siya, kasi nanlilisik yung mga mata,
> mahaba ang
> buhok, mukhang ermitanyo. Tinawag siya and he saw the old
> man was
> carrying a book. At first hesitant, pero there was this
> force urging
> him to come over.
>
> When he came over, the old man handed him the book, para
> lang siyang
> pocket book, but colored black. The old man then told him
> that he has
> to pay for it, 700 pesos daw. Thinking that he still
> needs money to
> have his car fixed, siyempre ayaw niyang tanggapin yung
> book. Pero
> nanlisik lalo yung mata nung matanda at pinipilit siyang
> bayaran yung
> book. Dahil sa takot, binayaran din niya yung libro.
> After paying for
> it, sabi sa kanya na huwag na huwag niyang titignan yung
> last page ng
> libro, or he will regret it. He wanted to ask for
> directions, but the
> old man started walking towards the darker part of the
> fields, and
> biglang nawala. Luckily may bus na dumaan and he asked to
> be brought
> down sa bayan. There he looked for a place to spend the
> night, para
> balikan yung car niya the next day.
>
> In his room, he couldn't sleep, and remembered the book
> he bought for
> 700 pesos, kaya kinuha niya ito and read it. It was about
> the
> supernatural and engkantos. He has read a chapter na rin
> and was
> feeling sleepy, so tinabi niya sa side table. Then he
> remembered yung
> sinabi nung matanda about the last page. He was undecided
> at the same
> time natatakot dun sa warning nung matanda about opening
> to the last
> page.
>
>
>
> Eventually, he gathered enough courage to open it to the
> last page,
> opened his eyes and got the shock of his life.
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> .National Book Store... P49.75 pesos

[empy]

a man comes home late at night and finds his wife already asleep in bed. he gets in beside her but soon finds that he can't sleep. so he snuggles in closer and starts to amorously caress her back...

wife (sleepy) - "honey, i can't! i have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow"
man (disappointed) - "oh, ok"

a few minutes later, the man starts to caress his wife again...

wife (annoyed) - "i already told you that i have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow!!"
man - "i know, but you don't have a dentist appointment, do you?"

:bwahaha:

[stinkaboy]

hahaha, lulusot ng lulusot talga :D