[Merged] Just for Laughs

[konde]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[konde]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the
bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says,
"You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"

[BlueBimmer]

^:bwahaha:

[StraightSix]

re: Car Forums

Bentley Forum
- I used the ashtray today. How do I replace it?

BMW 3 Series forums
- Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

VW Bug forum
- The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- Wind noise around 210 mph.

MX5 forum
- Some twat in Toyota Hilux just ran over my car. (pics)

Toyota Hilux forum
- MX5 stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- Where to get a service on my Rolex?

Rover 800 forum
- Problems with parallel parking at the bingo.

RangeRover Forum
- Is the price of petrol going down anytime soon?

Delorean forum
- Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Honda Accord forum
- Mom's giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Yaris forum
- Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forum
- Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forum
- Tyre just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Mini forum
- Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dax Cobra forum
- I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get wee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- Some punk kid in an F16 tried to race me.

Hummer forum
- Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's £35 in petrol.

Fiat forum
- Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- I'm thinking Blue and gold, how about you?

Chevy pickup forum
- How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

Supra Forums
- Head too big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Volvo forum.
- What biker? I never saw a biker, he just came from nowhere. I didn't mean to hit him.

[basti08]

Prospective Employer to Applicant: "So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: "The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
================================================== =============

Bisaya1: "Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur 'yan.!"

Bisaya2: "Dili bay!"

Bisaya1: "kay Hipi?"

Bisaya2: "Ayy...Tuntu ka man. Kay FATHER iyan. kita mo, gisulat nya man sa likud u,

'SAFARI'."
================================================== =============

Misis: "Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi nag-hiwalay kami at dinala nya ang limang anak namin."

Radio Host: "OK, go ahead misis!"

Misis: "Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa'yo dyan e!"
================================================== =============

Hello! eto na naman ako. Gulong-gulo ulit ang isip ko. May nais lang sana akong itanong sa inyo. Alam ko matutulungan niyo ako....
ang BIRDS FLU ba ay past tense ng BIRDS FLY?
================================================== =============

Nakasakay ka sa FX, ng ikaw mautot.
Buti na lang malakas ang tugtog....
kaya bawat utot, sabay sa pag tugtog.
Nang ikaw ay bumaba, ang sasama ng
tingin nila sa'yo, bigla mong naalala....


....naka walkman ka pala!
================================================== =============

Wife: Himala aga mong umuwi ngayun...

Husband: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. sabi nya "GO TO HELL!",
kaya eto, uwi agad ako.
================================================== =============

Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!

Wife: ha? bakit?

Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag pumapasok ako ng banyo eh...

Wife: AHA.....ikaw pala ang umihi sa ref!!!
================================================== =============

1st night lola wore see thru dress, ....lolo didnt react...

2nd night lola wore t-back, ...and lolo still deadma...

3rd night lola all naked, and lolo said "anu ba yang suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"
================================================== =============

Amo: sagutin mo ang telepon inday!!
Inday: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
Amo: baligtarin mo!!!
Inday: lohi? lohi?
Amo: hinde, yung telepon ang baligtarin mo!!!
Inday: Puntili, puntili...
================================================== =============

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na 'to, let's make love.

Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. maaga pa kong gigising bukas, buti ikaw hindi na!
================================================== =============

Kriminal1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?!"

Kriminal2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala parin sya!

sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya."

[laracroft]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent,
excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."

Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window: "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the
astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up bitch! I said, I want
to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but
we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said
this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager
to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and the
manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50
million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking
account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager thoughtfully.
"And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"

Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.


A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to
meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one
is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish
each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to
be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and
he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted,
"I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and
cocktails. "Pfufffff, and he was also gone." The boss calmly said,
"I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch."

Lesson III - "Always allow the boss to speak first."

[konde]

:bwahaha: true!

[stinkaboy]

The Gambler
>
>A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He
lost
>the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the
second
>half of his
>round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get
>himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was
a
>cab waiting
>
>He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to
send
>the
>
>driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his
drivers
>license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said
(adopt
>appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell
out
>of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport
and
>was barely in time to catch his flight.
>
>One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his
>financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling
>pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to
get a
>cab ride back to the airport.
>
>Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,
but
>his
>
>old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his
luck.
>The
>businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay
for
>his
>
>lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
>
>The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride
to
>the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much
for
>you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my
cab."
>The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked
>the
>
>same questions, with the same result.
>
>When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked
>"How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen
bucks."
>The
>businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past
the
>long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign
to
>each driver.

[nugundam93]

hahahahaha!

[StraightSix]

Sweet revenge!

[konde]

putik, sira pagkatao nung cab driver. hahahahha

[Steeljack]

An Ilocano, a Cebuano and an Ilonggo
were sitting in a bar in Makati. The ambiance was
fantastic, the beer very cold and the food exceptional.

“But,” said the Ilocano, “I still prefer
the bars back home. Why, in Vigan there’s
a little bar where the owner goes out of his way
for the locals. When you buy eight drinks, he
will buy the ninth.”

The Cebuano responded, “Well, at my
local bar, the owner would buy you your third
drink after you bought the first two.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” the Ilonggo said. “Back
home in Iloilo there’s this bar where the moment you
set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink and
keep them coming all night. Then when you’ve
had enough to drink, they take you upstairs
and see that you get laid. All on the house.”

The Ilocano and Cebuano immediately
doubted the Ilonggo’s claims.

“Well,” said the Cebuano, “did this actually
happen to you?”

“No, not myself personally,” said the Ilonggo.
“But it did happen to my girlfriend.”

[StraightSix]

NEW WORDS FOR 2006

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD - Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the **** out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the www error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the toilet. If challenged by a pimpled staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies

AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

PICASSO BUM - A woman whose panty is too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

TART FUEL - Bottled pre-mixed drinks, regularly consumed by young women.

MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the ugly people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves an ugly woman in your bed instead.

[stinkaboy]

He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."



The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."



The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep

that old motor running." The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

[aceshark]

meron na ba nito???


pano mo malalaman kung mayaman na yung bumbay?






dalawa na nakasakay sa motor.





driver niya yung isa.




corny.

[Chinkyeyes]

Mayroon isang Pilipino na naghihintay na makarating sa U.S.A.., ang ngalan ay 'ELEUTERIO IGNACIO' ng dumating ang petisyon niya at nakarating sa 'tate' ang unang gagawin daw niya ay babaguhin ang pangalan kapag U.S.citizen na siya. Sabi niya 'alam ko na kung ano ang magiging pangalan ko, papalitan ko ng 'ELECTRONIC IGNITION' para maging americanize daw.
__________________________________________________ __________

Sa airport canteen, umorder ang isang Amerikano;
Kano: Miss, will you please give me one few two.
Tindera: What sir?
Kano: I said one few two.
Tindera: Oh, you want puto!
Kano: Yeah, that'sright. Is that how you pronounce it?
Tindera: [Sa loob-loob, tanga,puto lang, pino-few two, few two pa, gagantihan ko nga.] Okey sir, What color do you want? Few-la or Few-ti?

__________________________________________________ ____

hehehehe!Enjoy reading!

[stinkaboy]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day,
"I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same
time."
The wife responded,
"Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake
him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.

[baiskee]

meron na ba nito???


pano mo malalaman kung mayaman na yung bumbay?






dalawa na nakasakay sa motor.





driver niya yung isa.




corny.

hahaha...inunahan mo na sarili mo ah.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Bisaya 1: " Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur iyan."!

Bisaya 2: " Dili bay!"

Bisaya 1: " Kay Hipi?"

Bisaya 2: " Tuntu ka man. Kay FATHER iyan. Gisulat niya sa likud o, "'SAFARI'."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Misis: " Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi dinala niya ang limang anak namin."

Radio Host: " Ok, go ahead!"

Misis: " Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa iyo diyan!"

[aceshark]

SI GINO:
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Puny*t* ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!


TUTPIK:
Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang, ang dali pang mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang nakabali!

PARI AT MADRE:
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang toothbrush ko...
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!


PAMBOBOSO:
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di nya makita!


HIDE AND SEEK:
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-*** sa'yo....
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...


RAPE SUSPEK:
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong Nangreype sa'yo
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!!

[StraightSix]

A BMW engineer died and went to heaven. At the gates St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your vehicles have changed the world, your reward is - you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven".

The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

He then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1 - There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2 - It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3 - Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4 - The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5 - The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "But hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."