Joke Time!

[nervenllarena]

Mga babaero ingat lang


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!!!” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”

[nervenllarena]

Bill and Elaine were patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were strolling past the hospital swimming pool, Bill suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Elaine promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Bill out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Elaine’s heroic act, she immediately recommended that Elaine be discharged from the hospital because she now considered her to be mentally stable.

She went to Elaine and said, “I have some good news and some bad news”.

The good news is that you’re being discharged because you responded so rationally in an emergency situation. By jumping in the pool to save Bill’s life, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Bill hung himself in his bathroom with his belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.

Elaine replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

[emj21]

‎..bK8 hnd gaWiNg hErBAL MedicIne ang MAKAHIYA....
parA nMAn may lunas na sa mgA taOng MAKAKAPAL ang MUKHA

---------------------------------------------------------------------



A ***y college student meets her prof and said...
“Sir will you remove something from my boobs?”

Prof: WOW! What is it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Girl: Your eyes sir.

[nervenllarena]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the f**king dishes!"

[nervenllarena]

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
''I would do anything to pass this exam.''
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
''I mean..'' she whispers, ''..I would do ANYTHING!!''
He returns her gaze. ''Anything??''
''Yes,.. Anything!'' She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. ''Would you.. study??''

[nervenllarena]

There are four kinds of *** :
HOUSE *** - When you are newly married and have *** all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM *** - After you have been married for a while, you only have *** in the bedroom.
HALL *** - After you've been married for years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"
COURTROOM *** - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court for every penny you've got.!! :P

[jojomonsalud]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the f**king dishes!"

natawa ko sobra dito

[pista_ni_jon]

not sure kung joke ito pero natuwa lang kasi ako. nareceive ko lang ngayon sa personal mail at share ko lang :

[SIZE=6]If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too [/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=6]Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. [/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=6]I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt![/SIZE]

[lenuj]

Teacher: Juan, give me colors that start with letter M, except maroon!
Juan: hmmm...

Maitim!
Mapute!
Maputla!
Madilaw!
Mukhang berde!
Mejo asul!
Mamink-mink!

[SiRbossR]

^wahahahaha

[garfield_08]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the f**king dishes!"

nice one!

[ab_initio]

On vacation my nine-year-old son, Ryan, and I were at the pool, where two attractive young women wearing thong bikinis were sunning themselves. I noticed that Ryan kept staring at them, but he would occasionally glance back at me.

When they got up to leave, Ryan watched them particularly closely. I was bracing myself for questions he might have when he turned to me and whispered, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?"

—Paul DeLuca

[ab_initio]

Our teenage son, Marc, never misses an opportunity to remind us that he needs his own car. One morning as I drove him to school, it was apparent that we would be late. I asked him to write a note, which I would sign when we arrived.

At school, he handed me a pen and the note, which read: "Marc is late this morning due to car trouble. The trouble is, Marc doesn't have his own car, and his mom drives too slowly."

—Laura Z. Sowers

[e-bundok]

haha medyo di ko nagets tong part na to. sorry slow! pede paexplain :D

jerk-off is slang for masturbation..

[dcph172]

jerk-off is slang for masturbation..

tsong naman, gets ko naman yan part na yan! haha

what i dont get is the context that he gets headache everytime he jerks off :D

[lenuj]

[SIZE=3]ANAK: Itay, ano sa English ang utot?
AMA: Wind of change...
ANAK: Eh yung utot na walang tunog?
AMA: Sound of Silence.
ANAK: Yung utot na may dalang dumi?
AMA: Dust in the wind.
ANAK: Eh, yung di sinasadyang utot?
AMA: Careless whisper! [/SIZE]

[robot.sonic]

tsong naman, gets ko naman yan part na yan! haha

what i dont get is the context that he gets headache everytime he jerks off :D

Ako din. Di ko pa rin ma gets. tagal ko nang nag aabang ng explanation e.

[e-bundok]

tsong naman, gets ko naman yan part na yan! haha

what i dont get is the context that he gets headache everytime he jerks off :D

hehe.. sorry po.

i think the joke follows the syllogism that:

i) women have the propensity to use headache as an excuse to avoid ***
ii) apparently, the golfer inherited the woman's traits following the hand transplant
iii) and that includes her disinterest to ***, hence the proverbial excuse
iv) thus, so the golfer's unlucky fate. . .

pero hindi din po ako sigurado dito kasi it doesn't look that funny superficially.

[dcph172]

puwede. however, if the head ache is just an excuse, meaning non-existent, then the golfer shouldn't be really feeling the headache at all. unless women (or the one he got the transplant from atleast) really do get headache when its time for ***. however this part is not established in the joke so there is a disconnect somewhere haha

[lenuj]

Wife mad at drunken Husband: From now on, lips that touch liquor will never touch mine...

(Later She said): What are you thinking??

Husband: Trying to decide between 12 yr. old Scotch and 50 yr. old lips.