[Merged] Just for Laughs

[claRkEnt]

the owner is in for a big surprise when he gets home!!!! hahaha

[yuichi]

IT'S DYOK DYOK DYOK TIME
>
>***Y: Maawa ka! meron ako, meron ako...
>RAPIST: AHH! Walang meron-meron sa kin!... YAYARIIN KITAA!!
>***Y: WAG! PLEASE ,,,,,,AY!
>RAPIST: Yaakk!!... Meron ka nga!....Meron kang itlog..... Bakla!
>
>RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
>USA: we're 1st in the moon
>ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
>USA: you can't go there, you'll burn
>ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!
>
>A couple
>placed an ad, "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."
>Responses:
>Yank: Keep trying!
>Briton: Change doctor!
>Aussie: Follow a special diet.
>Indian: Practice Yoga!
>Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
>
>2) Population policies of countries:
>China! : Stop at 1 child.
>Singapore: Stop at 2 children
>Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
>
>3) Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
>American: Excuse me.
>British: Pardon me.
>Pinoy:
>NOT ME!
>
>II. Married Life
>1) May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am.
>Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng: "HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM.
>NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"
>
>2) Husband: "Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
>Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
>Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
>Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"
>
>3) Sa harap ng nursery window;
>Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
>Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba
>ang kamay?
>Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!
>
>4) Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife and carried
her.
>Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
>Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!
>
>6) Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!"
>Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
>Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
>Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"
>
>7 ) Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men
into
>women. After 5 pints.... men
>become talkative, unreasonable,irritable, cry
>for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"
>
>WIFE: i'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
>HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
>WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!!!
>
>WIFE: Himala! Aga mong umuwi ngayon.
>HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya
ito
>uwi agad ako..
>
>Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's
make
>love.
>Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti
ikaw,
>hindi na.
>
>
>

[yuichi]

Pinoys Favorite Food:
THIS WAS POSTED IN ONE RESTAURANT NEAR NAIA AIRPORT,
so, maybe next time you are around the area, you may
as well dine-in there, and check out their menu; AS
YOU GO ON, IT'S BECOMING INTERESTING AND MORE
FLAVORFUL!!! (this is based on true facts...)

1. TAPSILOG - Tapa, Sinangag, Itlog

2. LONGSILOG - Longganisa, Sinangag, Itlog

3. HOTSILOG - Hotdog, Sinangag, Itlog

4. PORKSILOG - Pork, Sinangag, Itlog

5. CHICKSILOG - Chicken, Sinangag Itlog

6. AZUCARERA - Adobong Aso

7. LUGLOG - Lugaw, Itlog

8. PAKAPLOG - Pandesal, Kape, Itlog

9. KALOG - Kanin, Itlog

10. PAKALOG - Pandesal, Kanin, Itlog

11. MAALOG NA BETLOG - Maalat na Itlog, Pakbet, Itlog

12. BAHAW - Bakang Inihaw (akala ninyo kaning lamig ano)

13. KALKAL - Kalderetang Kalabaw

14. HIMAS - Hipon Malasado

15. HIMAS SUSO - Hipon Malasado, Sugpo, Keso

16. HIMAS PEKPEK - Hipon Malasado, Kropek, Pinekpekan

17. PEKPEK MONG MALAKI - Kropek, Pinekpekan, Monggo, Malasado, Laing, Kilawin

18. DILA - Dinuguan, Laing

19. DILAAN MO - Dinuguan, Laing, Dalandan, Molo

20. BOKA BOKA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape

21. BOKA BOKA MO PA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape, Molong Pancit

22. KANTOT - Kanin, Tortang Talong

23. KANTOT PA - Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit

24. SIGE KANTOT PA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit,
25. SIGE KANTOT PA IBAON MO - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit - Take out

26. SIGE KANTOT PA HA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit, Halo-halo

27. SIGE KANTOT PA IBAON MO PAPA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit... Take out with Ketchup

28. PAKANTOT - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong

29. PAPAKANTOT - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang Talong

30. PAPAKANTOT KA BA - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang, Talong, Kapeng Barako

31. PAKANTOT SA YO - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Saging + Yosi

32. PAKANTOT KA - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Kape

33. PAKANTOT KA HABANG MATIGAS PA - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Kape, Inihaw na Bangus, Maruya, Tinola, Ginisang Aso, Pancit

34. SUBO - Sugpo, Bopis

35. SUBO MO - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo

36. SUBO MO PA - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Pancit

37. SUBO MO PA MAIGE - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Mais, Pige

38. SUBO MO TITE KO - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola, Teryaki, Kochinta

39. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola, Teryaki, Kochinta, Bihon, Tawilis

40. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS, HAYOP! - ...same as #39,
minura mo lang yung waiter kasi ang tagal ng order.


NOW, YOU BELIEVE, FILIPINO CUISINE MENUS CAN B E SO
APPETIZING, SERVE WITH SIZZLING LIBIDO... ENJOY YOUR
MEAL, BON APPETITI!!!

[knight23]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Mike. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole ..1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole ..2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over rightnow."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

[silverbx986]

Breast Fed

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
examining room waiting for the doctor to come in
for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived
examined the baby checked his weight and being a
little concerned asked if the baby was breast-fed
or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well strip down to your waist" the doctor
ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples then
pressed kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a
while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to
get dressed he said "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know" she said "I'm his Grandma but
I'm glad I came."

[Boy Torotot]

dalawang araw na ko nagbabasa nitong thread na to at di ko matapos-tapos! sumasakit na tyan ko sa katatawa! aliw kayong lahat!

eto rin:

Ang Mahiwagang Laway
--------------------
Si Ahmed ay isang high-ranking official sa korte ni Haring Akbar.
Matagal nang pinakamimithi ni Ahmed na pagsawaang madede ang malulusog na dibdib ng Reyna. Tuwing mapapadaan si Ahmed sa harapan ng Reyna ay gayon na lamang ang pagkasiphayo ng kanyang kalooban.

Isang araw, ipinagtapat ni Ahmed ang kinikimkim niyang pagnanasa sa pangunahing tagapayo ng Hari, si Birbal. Umiiyak na nagmakaawa si
Ahmed kay Birbal upang tulungan siya sa kanyang suliranin. Pinag-
isipan ni Birbal ang bagay na iyon, at pumayag siyang tulungan si Ahmed sa kondisyon na kapag natupad ang ninanasa ni Ahmed ay
babayaran siya ni Ahmed ng 1,000 gintong kuwalta.

Agad na sumang-ayon si Ahmed. Humingi si Birbal kay Ahmed ng kalahating tasang laway nito. Isinangkap ni Birbal ang laway ni Ahmed sa mahiwagang losyon. Kinabukasan, habang naliligo ang Reyna, ipinahid ni Birbal ang mahiwagang losyon sa bra nito. Matapos isuot ng Reyna ang bra ay nagsimulang mangati ang mga suso nito. Habang nagtatagal ay lalong sumisidhi ang pangangati ng boobs ng Reyna, kaya ganoon na lamang ang pag-aalala ng Hari.

Hindi makatulog ang Reyna dahil sa pangangati ng kanyang boobs, at
syempre pa ay bwisit na bwisit ito. Kung sinu-sino ang kinunsulta
ng Hari, kabilang si Birbal, at nagkaisa sila na ang makagagamot sa karamdaman ng Reyna ay isang espesyal na laway na kailangang ilagay sa loob ng apat na oras. Isiniwalat ni Birbal na ang espesyal na laway ay matatagpuan sa bibig ni Ahmed. Ipinatawag ni Haring Akbar si Ahmed, at inatasan itong dedehin nang apat na oras ang dibdib ng Reyna. Apat na oras na singkad na nagpapasasa si Ahmed sa suso ng Reyna na mistulang asong ulol. Dinilaan niya iyon, kinagat , pinisil- pisil, nilamas, nilamutak. Nakamit ni Ahmed ang matagal na niyang hinahangad.

Pagkalipas ng apat na oras ay masayang-masaya si Ahmed.
Nang magtagpo sila ni Birbal at sinisingil siya nito, tumangging magbayad si Ahmed at ipinagtabuyan niya si Birbal. Alam ni Ahmed na hindi makapagsusumbong si Birbal kay Haring Akbar.

Minaliit ni Ahmed ang talino ni Birbal. Kinabukasan,ipinahid ni Birbal ang mahiwagang losyon sa underwear ni Haring Akbar. Muling ipinatawag ni Haring Akbar si Ahmed...

[aceshark]

Si Boy Ngo ngo ay ikinulong sa dahilang walang awa niyang pinaslang ang tindera sa kanilang kabayanan. Tunghayan ang kaniyang kwento kung sa tingin ninyo’y nararapat lamang siyang ikulong…


The Misadventures of Boy Ngo Ngo


Isang araw, Tinawag ni Inay si Boy, ang batang ngo-ngo.

Inay: Boy, magpunta ka sa tindahan ni Aling Petra at bumili ka ng isang latang Pork & Beans!

Boy: Omo, inay!


Nagtungo si Boy Ngo Ngo sa tindahan ni Aling Petra. Tatlong bundok ang kaniyang nilakad. Pagdating ni Boy sa tindahan ay binati niya ang tindera.

Boy: Aning Metra, ngamuta na mo ngayo? (Kamusta na po kayo?)

Aling Petra: Mabuti naman. Ano ang kailangan mo Boy?"

Boy: Mangmilan nga mo ng inang lata ng Mo e Meen! (Pagbilhan nga po ng isang lata ng Pork n Beans)

Aling Petra: Ano kamo, Boy?

Boy: Isa mong Mo e Meen (Isa pong Pork n Beans)

Aling Petra: Paki-ulit nga Boy at hindi kita maintindihan.

Boy: Mo e Meen! Mo e Meen - nyung nata lata! (Pork n Beans! Pork n Beans – Yung nasa lata!)

Aling Petra: Hindi talaga kita maintindihan. Mabuti pa kaya ay i-spell mo na lang sa akin.

Boy: O ninge. Mo e Meen. Netter Mi. (O sige. Pork n Beans. Letter “P”)

Aling Petra: Letter 'B' ba?

Boy: Ine! Netter Mi as in Minimines. (Hindi! Letter “P” as in Philippines)

Aling Petra: Ha???

Boy: Mi! (Kinanta ni Boy ang alphabet) Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee..En, Em, En, O, Mi! - - Mi!

Aling Petra: Ahhh, P! Letter P! (Masiglang sagot ni Aling Petra.)

Boy: Oo. Mi! Mo e Meen! (Oo! “P”! Pork n Beans!)

Aling Petra: Sige ituloy mo Boy. 'P'...

Boy: Ngo! (“O”)

Aling Petra: Ano kamo?

Boy: (Kumanta ulit) Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, Ngo…

Aling Petra: Ahhh, titik O! P-O. Sige ituloy mo pa!

Boy: Netter Arrng (Letter “R”)

Aling Petra: Kantahin mo na lang ulit Boy.

Boy: Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, O, Mi, Ngyu, Arrng!

Aling Petra: Ahhh! Letter R. Malapit na. 'P-O-R'? Hindi ko pa rin makuha, Boy. Anong letter ang susunod?

Boy: Ngey.

Aling Petra: Letter A?

Boy: Ini ho! (Sabay buntung-hininga si Boy) Ngey! A, Ma, Nga (A-Ba-Ka-Da ang kinanta)! Nga!"

Aling Petra: Ka! Letter 'K' 'P-O-R-K' Ahhh Pork!!!

Boy: Oo!!! Mo e Meen!

Aling Petra: Pork and?

Boy: Oo!! Mo e Meen!!!

Aling Petra: Pork and Meen? Ahhhh!!! Alam ko na!!! Pork and Beans!!!

Boy: Oo! Oo!! Mo e Meen!! Mo e Meen!!!!" ang masayang sigaw ni Boy.

Aling Petra: Pork and Beans pala ang kailangan mo!!!

Boy: Oo. Mo e Meen!

Aling Petra: Hay nako!!!... Wala!!!

-The End-

[konde]

bwahahaha! habang paliwanagan, wala naman palang tindang Mo e Meen!

[Boy Torotot]

Defense Attorney: "What's your age?"
Little Old Woman: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you?"
Little Old Woman: "I was sitting there in my swing on the porch, when a young man came creeping up on the porch and sat beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Woman: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat next to you?"
Little Old Woman: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Woman: "No."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "It felt good. Nobody had touched me that way since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "He rubbed my breasts."
Defense attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Woman: "No, I did not."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "Why, your honor, his rubbing made me feel alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "I was feeling so spicy, I just spread my old legs and said 'take me young man, take me.'"
Defense attorney: "Did he take you?"
Little Old Woman: "Hell no, that's when he yelled 'April Fools!' and that's when I shot the son of a *****!!!"

[Boy Torotot]

Sa bilibid prison, sampung taon nang hindi naliligo at nagpapalit ng damit yung mga prisonero. Sa madaling sabi, sobra nang baho at nagtututong at nagtitigkal ang libag, banil at kalimagmag sa kanilang mga suot na damit.

Isang araw, biglang hinarap nung prison warden ang mga prisonero at kaniyang i-nanannounce, "maryoon akong good news at bad news para sa inyo."

"Ang good news - pagakatapos ng sampung taong walang paligo at walang palitan ng damit, ngayong araw, magkakaroon kayong lahat ng palit ng damit."

Palakpakan at naluha pa yung ibang prisonero sa galak.

"Ang bad news, ikaw ay makikipagpalit ng suot sa kanya, ikaw naman - makipagpalit sa kaniya..."

[Boy Torotot]

Isang bus ang hinarang ng mga NPA sa may kabundukan...

Kumander: Baba lahat ng sakay. Paghiwalayin ang mga babae sa lalaki!!!

Pinaghiwalay ang mga babae sa mga lalaki....

Kumander: Lahat ng lalaki patayin! Lahat ng mga babae gahasain!
Dalaga: Maawa po kayo, pabayaan nyo na po ang lola ko... maawa po kayo!
Kumander: Basta lahat ng babae gahasain!
Dalaga: Maawa na po kayo sa lola ko, wag nyo na po syang idamay (huhuhu..)

Si lola mukhang galit sabay sabi...

Lola: Bakit ka ba nakikialam! PAG SINABING LAHAT... LAHAT

[Boy Torotot]

Sa isang malayong kaharian, me haring naghamon na kung sino makakapatawa at makakapaiyak sa kabayo nyang halos hindi kumikibo at walang emosyon e ibibigay nya ang kanyang pinakamamahal na princesa.

Naunang dumating ang Bumbay. Kiniliti nang kiniliti ang kabayo pero no epek.

Sumunod yung Intsik. Nag drama at nag kwento ng sobrang malungkot na mga pangyayari. Umiyak lahat ng tao pero walang kibo si kabayo.

Sumunod yung Kano. Nag stand-up comedy. Halakhakan ang lahat pero kay kabayo no epek.

Dumaan ang Italyano, Pranses, Español, Mexicano etc........... ginawa lahat pero NO EPEK

Dumating si Juan....... lumapit sa kabayo at me binulong....... nagulat lahat nang biglang humalakhak yung kabayo.

Palakpakan ang lahat. Sabi ni Juan, "easy lang, di pa ako tapos."

Lumapit sa kabayo at me pinakita. Biglang naluha at umiyak ang kabayo.

Nagulat ang lahat. Lumapit ang hari. Sabi ke Juan, "Paano mo nagawa yun? Ilang libong tao na ang sumubok at nabigong paiyakin at patawanin yang kabayo ko pero wala ni isang nagtagumpay. Ano ba ang ginawa mo?"

Sabi ni Juan: "Simple lang. Binulungan ko sya na mas malaki ang t*t* ko sa kanya."

Hari: "E paano mo napaiyak?"

"Wala lang. Pinakita ko sa kanya t*t* ko."

[konde]

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

[Boy Torotot]

isang umaga
BABAE : Hayup ka! sabay sampal sa asawa PAK!"
LALAKE : Baket mo ako sinampal?!?!?!
BABAE : sino tong JOY sa wallet mo?
LALAKE : Ano ka ba naman.. eh sino pa yung KABAYONG tinayaan ko sa karerahan!

kinabukasan

BABAE : (sinampal ulit yung asawa) PAK!!
LALAKE : O baket na naman ulit?????
BABAE : Tumawag yung kabayo mo

[Boy Torotot]

since Mother's Day kahapon, eto natanggap kong text-message:

"Pakisabi sa PINAKASIGA, PINAKAMATAPANG, PINAKAASTIG at laging NASUSUNOD dyan sa bahay nyo na....Happy Mother's Day."

sinabi ko na lang kay misis na... 'Hi!' daw...

[Boy Torotot]

by the way...


Other's Day daw today(after mother's day)...so yong mga may others dyan, don't forget na bumati

[mazdamazda]

BRAIN CRAMPS

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."



Mariah Carey

````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other partof my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, Vice President

```````````````````


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca
```````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````



"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President

``````````````````


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


````````````````````````````````````````````


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

Subject: sagot ng mga o-lats sa beauty pageant

_____

Host : If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the Philippines?
Girl Contestant : Bocaue.
Host : Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines? Why Bocaue?
Girl : Because it's a magnificent place.
Host : Which part of Bocaue?
Girl : The Bocaue Rice Terraces.
_____

Host : What is yo ur best feature?
Contestant : My graduation feature.
_____


Host : What is you favorite motto?
Contes tant : If others can't why, why can't I!
_____

Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
Contestant : Please come back.
_____

Host : What is your typical day?
Contestant : I think Saturday po!
_____


Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do it?"
Contestant : That's a very good question. Keep it up.
_____



Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?
Girl Contestant : My edge.... 23 years old.
_____

Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Between 24 and 25!
_____

Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Girl : I'll be 28.
_____


Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
Girl : Drugs.
Host : Why?
Girl : Mahal eh!
_____

Host : What is the essence of being gay?
Contestant : I'm proud to be gay because what is naked is essential to the eye!
_____

Host : What makes you blush?
Girl : Blush on!
_____

Host : What is the essence of a man?
Gay Contestant : Testicles!
_____

Host : Hey, I heard you almost didn't make it, how did you get here? Did you ride or did you walk?
Gay Contestant : Of course, did you ride. What do you think of me, did you walk???

[Boy Torotot]

"Guys, let's call it tonight!"
"All of a suddenly..."
"C'mon! Let's get it on with it!"
"When it rains, it's four."
"Thanks God!"
"The nerves!" or "The nerd!"
"The idea crossed at the back of my mind."
"(name of person), eat your hat out!"
"This is our rooster of clients..."
"The more the manyer."
"It's a no-win-win situation."
"Burn the bridge when you get there."
"Anulled and void."
"Mute and academic."
"C'mon let's join us!"
"If worse comes to shove."
"Are you joking my leg?"
"It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore."
"What are friends are for?"
"You can never can tell."
"Well well well. Look do we have here!"
"Let's give them a big hand of applause."
"Been there, been that."
"Forget it about it."
"Give him the benefit of the daw."
"It's a blessing in the sky."
"Right there and right then."
"Where'd you came from?"
"Take things first at a time."
"You're barking at the wrong dog."
"You want to have your cake and bake it too."
"First and for all"
"Now and there."
"I'm only human nature."
"The sky's the langit."
"That's what I'm talking about it."
"One of these days is not like the other."
"So far, so good, so far."
"Time is of the elements."
"In the wink of an eye."
"The feeling is actual."
"For all intense and purposes."
"I ran into some errands."
"Hi. I'm (state your name), what's yours?"

"What is the world is coming to?"
"What is the next that is?"
"Get the most of both worlds."
"Whatever you say so."
"Base-to-base casis."
"My answers have been prayered."
"Please me alone!"
"It's as brand as new."
"So... what's a beautiful girl like you?...."
"I can't take it anymore of this!"
"Are you sure ka na ba?" (My personal favorite!)
"Can't you just cut me some slacks?"
"I couldn't care a damn!"
"what's your next class before this?"
"nothing in this world is perfect except the word change."
"Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the
top?(ulitin natin hanggang mamatay tayo.)
"my dad brought home a lot of hand-me-downs!" (translation:daming
pasalubong ng tatay ko)
"standard & chartered bank"
"I'm very iterated! (translation:galit sya!)
"I'm sorry, my boss just passed away." (translation : kakadaan lang
ng boss nya.)
"Hello, my boss is out of town, would you like to wait?"
"What happened after the erection of mayon volcano?"
"Don't touch me not!"
"Hello,.. for a while, please hang yourself..."
"It's spilled milk under the bridge."
"Don't change anything! keep it at ease."
"Hello mcdo, magiinquire lang ako kung magkano ang kidney meal?"
"Out of fit ako these days e..."
"Bring down the house down!"

[stinkaboy]

PERFECT FORMULA FOR HAPPY MARRIAGE

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from
her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you
crazy?"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment we have lived happily ever
after".

[silverbx986]

"When I'm 100, If I Lean a Little, Let Me"

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started
leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members
again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said,
"Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a
note to the grandson...

"They won't let me fart."