[Merged] Just for Laughs

[prinsipe]

The story is told about an old woman who offered the bus driver a handful of peanuts which he gratefully munched up. After some moments, she gave him more peanuts. Curious, the driver asked why she kept giving him peanuts.
“I have no teeth,” she replied.
“But why do you buy peanuts?” the driver asked.
“Oh, I just love the chocolate around them,” was the old woman’s reply.

[funkngruvn]

[bavent]

For the frog.

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk
Dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He
Walked up to a house of ill repute ( a brothel) and knocked on the
Door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little
Boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have
*** with one of the women inside. I have the money
And I'm not leaving until I do.' The Madam figured,
Why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
Him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do
Any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the
Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the
Men talking about having to get shots after making it
With Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for
It, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the
Right. He headed down t he hall dragging the squashed
Frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
Dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the
Door.The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you
Pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
Instead of one of the others?
'He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
Going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home
With my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter
Will have *** with me because she just happens to be
Very fond of little boys. She will get the disease
That I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad
Will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump
Her bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to
Bed and have ***, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will
Deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch
T he disease.. And
HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!'

[xer]

KIDS IN CHURCH[SIZE=4]3-year-old Reese:[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]Harold is His name.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]Amen."[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]A little boy was overheard praying:[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]I'm having a real good time like I am."[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]After the christening of his baby brother in church, [/SIZE][SIZE=4]Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]His father asked him three times what was wrong.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]Finally, the boy replied,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, [/SIZE][SIZE=4]and I wanted to stay with you guys."[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]One particular four-year-old prayed,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"And forgive us our trash baskets[/SIZE][SIZE=4]as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." [/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they [/SIZE][SIZE=4]were on the way to church service,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" [/SIZE][SIZE=4]One bright little girl replied,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Because people are sleeping."[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' [/SIZE][SIZE=4]Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Ryan, you be Jesus!"[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]A father was at the beach with his children [/SIZE][SIZE=4]when the four-year-old son ran up to him,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore[/SIZE][SIZE=4]where a seagull lay dead in the sand.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]The boy thought a moment and then said,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Did God throw him back down?"[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]A wife invited some people to dinner.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, [/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Would you like to say the blessing?"[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]The daughter bowed her head and said,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" [/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE]

[mayana]

[SIZE=3]Nagkakilala raw ang isang babae at isang lalake sa isang waiting shed. Mukhang na-love at first sila. Tanong ni lalake sa babae:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Anong name mo?” sagot ni babae—“Carmen.” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Baket naman Carmen?” tanong ni lalake.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Sagot ni babae, “Kasi mahilig ako sa CAR at sa MEN.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Ikaw, ano naman ang name mo?” tanong ni Carmen kay lalake.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Sagot ni lalake… PEPE![/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Hindi na nagtanong pa si babae. [/SIZE]

[russpogi]

[SIZE=3]Nagkakilala raw ang isang babae at isang lalake sa isang waiting shed. Mukhang na-love at first sila. Tanong ni lalake sa babae:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Anong name mo?” sagot ni babae—“Carmen.” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Baket naman Carmen?” tanong ni lalake.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Sagot ni babae, “Kasi mahilig ako sa CAR at sa MEN.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Ikaw, ano naman ang name mo?” tanong ni Carmen kay lalake.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Sagot ni lalake… PEPE![/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Hindi na nagtanong pa si babae. [/SIZE]

Hahahaha!!!!!

[mayana]

Sabi nila, “Pag nadapa ka, bumangon ka.”
Sabi ko naman, “Papano kung nadapa ka sa hubad na katawan ng taong kinababaliwan mo, babangon ka pa ba, sige nga?”

[boybi]

Telesales agent getting the customer's credit card info:
Agent: Can I have your expiration date, sir?
Customer: My what?!!
------------------------------------------------------
Telesales agent giving promo spiels:
Agent: You called at the right time, ma'am. We have a lot of freebies to give away, such as free installation, free equipment, and free DVD player. That's a great offer, di ba?
Customer: huh?!
-------------------------------------------------
Agent verifying info from the customer:
Agent: Is that a P for Ping-Pong?
Customer: No, it's B.
Agent: Oh, B, like Bing-Bong...
-------------------------------------------------------
Customer trying to return a defective product:
Customer: I need to return this defective sauna belt that you delivered yesterday.
Agent: For that concern, you can call our customer service at www.picustomerservice.com.
Customer: Call where??!!
-----------------------------------------------
Agent answering a call:
Agent: Thank you for calling Dish Network Department, my name is Vince..... (sees that the number called by customer is for a different client-- a DirecTV dealer).
Customer: So, I called the wrong number then?
Agent: Let me transfer you to DirecTV please dont go.... (puts the customer on hold, and then)... Thank you for calling DirecTV Department, my name is Vince...
------------------------------------------------------
Agent wrapping up the sale:
Agent: Our INSTALLATORS will contact you within the next 24 hours to verify your installation schedules...
Customer: Uhm... say what, now. Who's gonna call me?
Agent: The INSTALLATORS, sir.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Agent getting coupon code from customer:
Agent: Can I ask for the coupon code? It's a bunch of letters.
Customers: Like ABCs?
Agent: Yes.
Customer: Ok. ABCDEFG....
--------------------------------------------------------
Agent giving the customer service web address:
Agent: It's P- as in Papa, I- as in India, C- as in costume, U- as in you, S- as in Sam, T- as in Tango, O.... Oscar...V- for Voy...
-------------------------------------------------------------
Agent wrapping up the sale, trying to give the account info to customer:
Agent: I will now be giving you your account number and order confirmation number, do you have a PEN and BALLPEN with you?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Agent trying to create urgency over the available promotion:
Agent: Are you sure you don't want to take advantage of me?
Customer: Say, what?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Agent trying to upsell a warranty:
Agent: Here's an example: In California, a plane crashed into a customer's house, their dish was replaced, no questions asked!
------------------------------------------------------
Agent trying to upsell a TiVo to customer:
Agent: With a TiVo, you can do this and that, and you know, pretty much anything under the sun. Isn't that a great offer?
Customer: What?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Agent was asking the customer about the cost of his cable service:
Agent: How much are you paying with your current provider?
Customer: Well, I'm only paying $25.00 (--which is way cheaper than what the agent was offering)
Agent: (Surprised) Shet, magkano??!!
---------------------------------------------------
Agent getting customer's address:
Agent: Can I have your address, please?
Customer: It's twenyfurfif-ysavan newyaorkgh road (2457 New York Road)
Agent: Can you repeat that ulit?
---------------------------------------------------------
Agent asking the customer to be put on hold:
Tech Agent: Sir, Can I hold you for just a minute?
Customer: Sure, baby, go ahead!

-------------------------------------------------------
Agent verifying correct spelling:
Agent: Is that a B as in boy, or a B as in Bravo?
Customer: ...uhmmm... how about B as in Boy?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Technical Agent giving customer support:
Agent: Is the ethernet cord connected?
Cust: Tha Hwhut??? (with Alabama accent)
Agent: Yung yellow cord kung nakakabit ba!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Agent from a local phone company entertaining a Visayan customer:
Customer: hillo! wala kasi yung bell ng pon namin??
Agent: Hindi naman po ba nabagsak yung phone?
Customer: Hende naman.
Agent: Kailan pa po ito nagsimula?
Customer: Ang alen?
Agent: Na hindi po nagri-ring yung phone?
Customer: Nagre-reng naman ah?!
Agent: Di ba sabi mo walang ring?
Customer: Hende! yong BELL! yong lestahan nong babayaran namin!!
Agent: aahhh... yung BILL?!
-------------------------------------------------------

Technical Agent: To help you out with your concern, ma'am, let me just pull out my tool here, ok? (referring to a computer program used in call centers to address the customer's concerns)
Customer: Pull out your what now?
----------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: Okay, Bob, just type P on your keyboard?
Customer: What? Could you repeat that?
Tech Support: 'P' on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: No way. I'm not going to do that.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Agent: Sir, that is C for Cubao, Q for Quiapo.....

Customer: What is that?! I dont understand. I don't want to talk to you.
Agent: Who do you want to talk to?
Customer: I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: My supervisor is not available as of the moment sir.
Customer: I said, I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: Ok, you want to talk to the highest person?
Customer: Yes!
Agent: Do you want to talk to God?
Customer: what the f***! I'd rather talk to you.
------------------------------------------------------------
Irate Customer: F***k you!
Tech Support: Sir, we're not allowed to say "F***k you!" here...
----------------------------------------------------------------

Agent: It's C as in CAT.
Customer: what?
Agent: C as in CAT. C-A-T as in meow meow...
-----------------------------------------------------------

Agent: Thank you for calling us, this is Candy, how may I help you?

Customer: What did you say your name was... Mandy?
Agent: No, sir, it's Candy.
Customer: Sorry, i can't hear ya... didja say Mandy?
Agent: It's Candy sir... Candy... as in Storck!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Agent: Alright, let me verify that... Was that a "G" as in golf?
Customer (with a different accent): NO! That was a "G" as! in GEBRA! (z as in zebra)
Oh, Gebra! like the one in the Goo?!
-----------------------------------------------------

Agent: Yeah, sir....hello sir... are you there?
Customer: Yes, sorry. I'm still there.
-------------------------------------------------

Agent: Ok, sir... do u have a PEN and a PENCIL ready?
Customer: What?!!
Agent: Oh, Im sorry, sir... i mean, do u have a PEN and a BALLPEN ready?
--------------------------------------------------

Agent: I'd like to speak with Billy Thompson please?
Contact: He's not in. Would you like to leave a message in his voicemail?
Agent: Sure, SIGE..
-------------------------------------------------------

Tech support: We're going to perform a check disk to see if your hard drive has errors in it. Please type in C-H-K-D-S-K.
Customer: What is that again?
Tech Support: C-H-K-D-S-K... that is... C as in Charlie... H as in Harley... K as in Karly.. D as in Darley... S as in Sarley... and K as in Karly... got it?

[dbuzz]

AFTER THE HONEYMOON A YOUNG BRIDE WROTE TO HER MOTHER expressing her disappointment after finding out that her new husband, a veteran, has only one foot due to land mine.
----------------------------------------------------
she wrote:
"Mama, I am really disappointed in my honeymoon because Roger has only one foot"
----------------------------------------------------
the mother replied:
"You are so blessed my daughter!!..hey..your father has only six inches."
----------------------------------------------------

[wildthing]

this was on my email:


DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE -

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

(Probably a son-in-law).

[kimpOy]

get in shape

[sea.piper]

[SIZE=2]Ngongo maagang umuwi sa kanyang bahay upang surpresahin ang kanyang asawa
Dumaan sya sa likod nang kanilang bahay at nakita ang kanyang misis na nagluluto
Dahan dahan nitong nilapitan at tinakpan nya ang mata nang kanyang asawa at nasabi na "ngueess wooooo"
Napamura ang misis at nasabi na P_____I__ guest who guest who ka pa dyan eh ikaw lang naman ang ngongo dito sa bahay?
[/SIZE]

[Galant_VR_94]

HAHAHA!

[sea.piper]

[SIZE=2]tungkol sa iyong mga katanungan sa buhay.... [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]Datapwat hindi ako nakakasiguro sa lahat ng aking mga sagot,[/SIZE][SIZE=2]susubukan kong bigyang liwanag ang ilan sa iyong mga katanungan.. .[/SIZE][SIZE=2]Ang isa kong kaibigan ay mayroon lang mga ilang katanungan na [/SIZE][SIZE=2]matagal ng bumabagabag sa kanyang araw-araw na pamumuhay. [/SIZE][SIZE=2]Maaaring ang iba rito ay alam na rin ninyo ngunit walang tumpak[/SIZE][SIZE=2]na makapagbigay ng akmang kasagutan o pagpapaliwanag. Ito ay [/SIZE][SIZE=2]ang mga sumusunod:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]1. Ang squidballs ba ay bayag ng pusit?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Ang squidballs ay hindi bayag ng pusit [/SIZE][SIZE=2]...[/SIZE][SIZE=2]baka bayag ni Tiya Pusit.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]2. Pwede bang uminom ng softdrink kapag coffee break?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Pwedeng uminom ng softdrink kung coffebreak ngunit kailangan [/SIZE][SIZE=2]itong lagyan ng asukal at kopimeyt. Kopimeyt dapat at huwag gatas. [/SIZE][SIZE=2](milk in my cereal, kopimeyt in my pepsi. sounds good to me!)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]3. Pwede bang gamitin ang a.m. radio pag gabi na?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Maari lamang gamitin ang a.m. radio kapag gabi kung ang iyong [/SIZE][SIZE=2]pakikinggan ay op.m. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]4. Ang fire exit ba ay labasan ng apoy?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Ang fire exit ay ginagamit lamang bilang labasan ng apoy kapag [/SIZE][SIZE=2]may sunog. Ito ang kanilang daan upang sila'y makatakas o ang [/SIZE][SIZE=2]tinatawag na "fire escape".[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]5. Ang uod ba pag namatay ay inuuod din?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Ang tao kapag namatay ay hindi tinatao. Malamang ang uod ay [/SIZE][SIZE=2]hindi rin inuuod. Kung ang tao ay inuuod kapag nalagutan ng [/SIZE][SIZE=2]hininga, siguro ang uod kapag namatay ay tinatao.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]6. Totoo bang ang mga manok na pinatay sa Jollibee ay [/SIZE][SIZE=2]masasaya kaya sila tinawag na chicken joy?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Ang mga manok na pinatay sa Jollibee ay masaya kung kaya't [/SIZE][SIZE=2]sila'y tinawag na chicken joy. Ngunit hindi kinakailangang sa [/SIZE][SIZE=2]jollibee patayin ang manok upang ito ay maging masaya... ang[/SIZE][SIZE=2]mga manok ay nagiging masaya kapag sila ay may kasama sa[/SIZE][SIZE=2]buhay. Kapag ito ay nag-iisa lamang, ito ay hindi chicken joy kundi[/SIZE][SIZE=2]...mcchicken singles. (Ang pinakamasayang manok sa lahat ay[/SIZE][SIZE=2]iyong 6 pc. chicken mcnuggets o tinatawag na "[/SIZE][SIZE=2]o[/SIZE][SIZE=2]-[/SIZE][SIZE=2]r[/SIZE][SIZE=2]-[/SIZE][SIZE=2]g[/SIZE][SIZE=2]-[/SIZE][SIZE=2]y" sa inggles)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]7. Mayroon bang kahit isang langgam na mahilig sa maalat?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Alam na ba ninyo iyong patawa na "itlog maalat"? Nakagat ako [/SIZE][SIZE=2]minsan ng langgam..... .. kung nakagat ka na ng langgam sa [/SIZE][SIZE=2]itlog, ibig sabihin marami ring langgam mahilig sa maalat.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]8. Kung ang 7-11 store ay bukas 24 hrs a day , 7 days a week , [/SIZE][SIZE=2]at 365 days a year. Bakit may lock pa ang pinto nila? Bakit? [/SIZE][SIZE=2]Bakit?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Dalawa ang dahilan. Una, may coffee break (tingnan ang katanungan [/SIZE][SIZE=2]bilang 2 hinggil sa maaaring inumin kapag coffe break) din naman [/SIZE][SIZE=2]ang mga nagtatrabaho sa 7-11. Pangalawa, mayroon tayong tinatawag [/SIZE][SIZE=2]na leap year.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]9. Bakit di mataas ang highway?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Dahil kung mataas ang highway, walang paglalagyan ng skyway.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]10. Ba't alang lumilipad na sasakyan sa flyover?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Hindi lang natin nakikita ang mga nagliliparang sasakyan sapagkat [/SIZE][SIZE=2]hindi tayo tumutingala kapag tayo ay nasa flyover. Ang pagsalin ng [/SIZE][SIZE=2]dayuhang salita na flyover sa katutubong wika ay "fly"-lipad, "over"-sa [/SIZE][SIZE=2]ibabaw. Ibig sabihin nito na ang mga kotse ay hindi lumilipad sa flyover [/SIZE][SIZE=2]ngunit sa ibabaw ng flyover. Ngayon kung titingala ka naman kapag [/SIZE][SIZE=2]ikaw ay nasa flyover ang tangi mong makikita ay ang kisame ng iyong [/SIZE][SIZE=2]sasakyan. Alam kong wala sa inyong mayroong sasakyan na Miata, [/SIZE][SIZE=2]Boxster, Kompressor, Z3, Z8 at kung ano-ano pang kotseng pang-[/SIZE][SIZE=2]mayaman kaya't huwag na kayong magpumilit mamilosopo.. . ako lang [/SIZE][SIZE=2]ang may karapatan. Kung idadahilan niyo naman na mayroon kayong [/SIZE][SIZE=2]sunroof, hanapin ninyo ang inyong tinatawag na "sense of humor". [/SIZE][SIZE=2]Namamatay ng maaga ang palaging seryoso.[/SIZE][SIZE=2]Sana ay nasagot ang ilan sa inyong mga katanungan sa buhay. Kung [/SIZE][SIZE=2]mayroon pang ibang bagay na bumabagabag sa iyong isipan huwag [/SIZE][SIZE=2]kayong mag-atubiling ilapit sa mga kina-uukulan o kaya sarilinin nyo[/SIZE][SIZE=2]na lamang para di kayo pagtawanan.[/SIZE][SIZE=2]At lagi rin sana nating tandaan ang dayuhang salawikain na "ask a dumb [/SIZE][SIZE=2]question and you'll get a dumb answer."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]maraming salamat at walang anuman. [/SIZE]

[Galant_VR_94]

[SIZE=3]ANG NAKARAAN....[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante.[/SIZE][SIZE=5]
Ano ang ibinulong ng daga? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama![/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]SA PAGPAPATULOY. ...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor.[/SIZE][SIZE=5]
Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang resulta ng ultrasound. Biglang hinimatay ang daga. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Ano ang ibinulong ng elepante?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila! =)[/SIZE][SIZE=5]
------------ --------- -------
Isang lalaki na-admit sa St. Luke's sunog dalawang hita... [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]DR: Nurse, i-dextrose mo tapos antibiotic, burn cream at Viagra.[/SIZE][SIZE=5]
Nurse: Viagra?
DR: para di sumayad yung kumot sa sugat... =)
------------ --------- -------
TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!
------------ --------- -------
TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell. [/SIZE][SIZE=5]ƒ[/SIZE][SIZE=5]º[/SIZE][SIZE=5]
------------ --------- -------
ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"
------------ --------- ---------
BUNSO: Tay , may multo daw sa kusina natin?
TATAY: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sayo nyan?
BUNSO: Si ate po!
TATAY: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun!
Wala namang multo eh!
Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at iinom lang ako ng tubig...
------------ --------- --------- ---
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
.......kinabukasan. ..
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas.....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
.......kinabukasan ulet...
BATA: Mama , pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Sinabi na ngang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko na yang bibig mo!
......kinabukasan ulet...
BATA: Mama , may stapler kayo?
TINDERO: wala..
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas
------------ --------- --------- ---
Psychological Fact:
"All emotional pain lasts for 12 minutes. Anything longer than that is self inflicted."
In short, nag-iinarte ka na lang daw nun! =)
------------ --------- --------- -
AMO: Inday, ilipat ang comforter sa kwarto.
INDAY: San ko ilagay kuya?
AMO: Ipatong mo lang sa kama
Maya-maya... .
INDAY: Andun na po. Sinama ko na rin ang frenter at iskaner...=)
------------ --------- ---------
PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?!?![/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...[/SIZE][SIZE=5]
------------ --------- ---------
Bill gates' wife was interviewed. . [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]REPORTER: How does it feel to have *** with the richest man ?[/SIZE][SIZE=5]
MRS. GATES: Oh, it's no big deal. Now I know why his company's named MICROSOFT!
------------ --------- --------- -
MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe!
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Hindi!
MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates? !![/SIZE]

[BoEinG_747]

wrong post

[jonski]

Hello?”

“Hi honey

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy.

She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

“But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do,and he’s upstairs in the room

with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy

that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy,just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no

clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug, hit

her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was

all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming

pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week

to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool?

[OiC65]

Gamehost: How many balls does a game of billiard have?

Contestant: Depends how may guys are playing.

[nitrox]

A Filipino, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from one of most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Filipino replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.

Filipino smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!

************************************************** ********
TEACHER : Class draw a fish..!
CLASS: Yes ma'am!
TEACHER: Pedro, why is ur drawing very dirty..?
PEDRO: Ma'am, bagoong po yan."

************************************************** ********
"Pulis at Intsik:
Pulis: boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis.
Intsik: ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay oke.."

************************************************** ********
"PASYENTE: Dok. . . Ninenerbyos po ako! First operation ko po ito. . .
DOK: Alam ko ang nararamdaman mo. . .Kasi ikaw rin ang una kong pasyente"


************************************************** ********
Tanga: kamusta yung exam mo.
Bobo: wala ako nasagutan, blanko yung papel ko. Ikaw?
Tanga: naku, blangko din yung papel ko, baka sabihin ni titser, nagkopyahan tayo



************************************************** ********
"WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!
WIFE: akin ang farm!
MAN: akin ang kotse!
WIFE: ah pero akin driver
MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!"

************************************************** ********
"Mrs: hoy!Tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos
Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos
Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para syo
Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!"

************************************************** ********
"May bagong kasal:
MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay
MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo
MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!"


************************************************** ********
REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "

************************************************** ********
"Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"


************************************************** ********
A black baby is given a pair of wings by a fairy..
BABY: Does this mean I am an angel???
FAIRY: (laughs) of course not! tong negrang to! ambisyosa! PANIKI ka!!

************************************************** ********
"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay ! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"


************************************************** ********
Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin na kamamatay lang?
Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya


************************************************** ********
bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

************************************************** ********
Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!

[lejspineda]

hehehe..ayos!