[Merged] Just for Laughs

[buknoy2002]

one of the latest jokes na receive ko.

fpj running for president.

[TEAL]

Li’l Johny : what fruit

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second.

It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.

"Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're
thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now, Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's about an inch and a half long, hard, and it's got a little red head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a match stick, but I like your thinking!"

[Ungas]

What is virginity?
It is a big issue over a small tissue.

With the escape of terrorist Al-Ghozi from Camp Crame, Erap must have regretted being detained in Veterans Memorial Medical Center. He would have been able to escape a long time ago had he chose Camp Crame.

A man, who gives in when he is wrong, is honest.
A man, who gives in when he is not sure, is wise.
A man, who gives in when he is right, is married.

Warden: Anong hihingin mo bago ka bitayin?
Prisoner: Pansit po.
Warden: Yun lang?
Prisoner: Yun lang po.
Warden: Bakit pansit?
Prisoner: Para long life.

Newspaper reports a lunatic who raped a laundry woman and then escapes.
Headline: NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS

[buknoy2002]

This story happened a few months ago along the Tagaytay Road. There was a guy who got left behind by a pack of mountain bikers. The group was large and he didnt bring a cellphone. He crashed his bike somewhere between Picnic Grove and DBP. To make things worse, a storm came in. So he walked.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him. Suddenly, just before the junction going to Manila, he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. It was raining hard, wind blowing all around you, what would you do? Like you would, he got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Terrified, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest place where there were houses. Wet and in shock, he went into a store and voice quavering, ordered , and told the people about his horrible, supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the same store. One says to the other, "Yan...siya nga yung sumakay habang nagtutulak tayo..."

[Ungas]

Ernie Baron’s radio program:
Caller: Ano po ba sa tagalog ang Mrs.?
Ernie Baron: Maybahay
Caller: Ano naman sa tagalog ang Mistress?
Ernie Baron: May condo

Q: What do you call a golfer’s tee shot that hit the trees but bounced back in the fairway?
A: Condom shot— safe but it doesn’t feel good.

Honeymooners were in bed when suddenly the new bride moaned, “Anselmo, Anselmo, Anselmo!”
Groom: Sinong Anselmo ang tinatawag mo? Hindi ako si Anselmo!
Bride: Ang cell phone mo, nahihigaan ko!

Crying wife to priest:
Wife: Wala na po akong asawa, Padre.
Padre: Bakit, sumakabilang buhay na ba si mister?
Wife: Hindi po, sumakabilang bahay na po.

A lizard fell on the table:
UP student: “Wow, butiki!”
Atenean: “Wow, Reptilla scincidae!”
La Sallite: “Wow, Lacoste!”

[TEAL]

The Children of Israel

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right.""And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Er, right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

[Ungas]

Dad: Mabait ba boyfriend mo, anak?
Anak: Opo naman, daddy.
Dad: Makadiyos ba?
Anak: Sobra po.
Dad: Asan siya?
Anak: Ayon po, nagmimisa.

Husband to doctor: I need a vasectomy.
Doctor: Did you discuss this with your family?
Husband: I asked my children and they voted favorably— 18 to 2!

Hillary Clinton bought a pack of condoms…
Sales lady: Shall I charge it?
Hillary: No, put it on my Bill.

A doctor asking his nurse about the result of his patient’s x-ray of the sinuses…
Doctor: What is the reading of my patient’s sinus x-ray?
Nurse: Doctor, it’s sinus tachycardia.

A beautiful nurse was so conceited that every time she takes the heart rate of male patients she deducts 20/minute.

[FrankDrebin]

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.



A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

TOMMY, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!



(You Go Girl!)

[TEAL]

PICK-UP LINES

HE. "May I buy you a drink? "
SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money "

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

[Ungas]

A kindergarten whose dad is an anesthesiologist and his mom an obstetrician, was asked by his teacher:
Teacher: What does your parents do for a living?
Paulo: Ma’am, my dad earns money just by putting people to sleep, but my mom earns more just by looking at the female organs.

What is human anatomy?
That which a man has, but better seen in a woman.

Photographer’s motto: I work best in the dark
Orthopedic surgeon’s motto: I can screw you best.
Anesthesiologist’s motto: Sleep best with an anesthesiologist.

Wife to husband: Anong oras ka dumating kagabi?
Husband: Eleven
Wife: Anong eleven, mag-aalas dos na nung matulog ako, wala ka pa!
Husband: Honey, eleven to two ako dumating. Hindi pa kasi ako tapos, dumakdak ka kaagad.

To assist the Iraqis, a delegation of Philippine legislators was sent to Iraq to supervise the looting.

A painter got tired painting nudes so he just chatted with the model when the doorbell rang…
Painter: It’s my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!

[FrankDrebin]

Originally posted by Ungas

Wife to husband: Anong oras ka dumating kagabi?
Husband: Eleven
Wife: Anong eleven, mag-aalas dos na nung matulog ako, wala ka pa!
Husband: Honey, eleven to two ako dumating. Hindi pa kasi ako tapos, dumakdak ka kaagad.

Magandang idea ito ah.

:D

[Ungas]

Epektib yan! Subok na...

[FrankDrebin]

FOR THE SAKE OF OUR COUNTRY:

For the love of country and to unite the
opposition, Lacson has agreed to be the first
lady of FPJ.

-----0-----

YOUR WISE SELECTION: (Yr. 2004)

GMA/Flavier.... Ang pantay.
Lacson/Sotto... Ang lagay.
ERAP/FPJ....... Ang tagay.
Maceda/Osmena.. Ang taray.

-----0-----

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION:

Starring FPJ
Co-starring Tito Sotto
Introducing Nilo de Castro
Special appearance of Loren Legarda
Story by Ed Angara
Directed by ERAP
Produced by Danding Cojuanco
sa pelikulang
BAYAN KO, TODAS KA
A picture that all Filipinos must see!!!!

-----0-----

POLICE EFFICIENCY:

FRance: Police respond to a crime scene in 5
mins.
USA: Police arrive within 1 min.
U.K.: Police come in 30 secs.
Phil.: Police are always in the crime scene.

-----0-----
A NEW COMBINATION:

Confirmed: Legarda running for President with
Recto as Vice. The By-word:
Legarda corner Recto equals Mendiola, the
gate way to Malacanang!!!

[sHoCkAbSoRbEr]

Question:
Kaano-ano ni Winnie da Pooh si Fernan da Pooh?

LOL

[impulzz]

a man gets home late and finds wife fuming mad when he open the door...

wife: HOY!!!!!! LALAKE!!!!NAMBABAE KANANAMAN ANO?

husband: Anong nambabae? nag OT ako!

wife: Sinungaling!!!! nambabae ka nanaman at nag 69 pa kayo!!!!!

Husband: anong pinagsasbi mong 69. baket nakita mo ba? may ebidensya ka ba na nambabae ako?!!!!

Wife: oo meron akong ebidensya! tumingin ka sa salamin! may *** pa yang ilong mo!!!!

[ezgrand]

Translate MA ME MI MO MU BA BE BI BO BU in Kapangpangan:

Ma meh, mi momu sa kwartu

Ba be bi, bobu ka ba,

Lolo mu yun minumultu ka

[kimpOy]

Nag-aaway ang dalawang tanga?

Kulas: Ano ba ang gusto mo, away o gulo?

Tomas: Away na lang para walang gulo!

[kimpOy]

Anak: Dear Itay, padalhan mo ako ng pera. Kasi,
ang mga gamit ko, pinagkakain ng daga.

Itay: Dear Anak, wala akong pera. Kung gusto mo, meron ditong PUSA.
====

1. melanie marquez and boy abunda:

boy: o melanie, paano na ang showbiz career mo ngayong nagmo-mormon ka na?
melanie: a okay lang yan boy kasi matagal na rin akong semi-retarded.


2. super sireyna contest:

emcee: anong masasabi mo sa death penalty?
bading; a ano po yun toot por toot, eye por eye.
emcee: paki-eksplika nga?
bading: ganito po yun: kung pinatay mo ang nanay ko, dapat, patayin din ang nanay mo!


3. little miss phiippines contest

emcee: anong gusto mong maging paglaki mo? little miss contestant: maging lalaki po.

4mr. world philippines contest

emcee: what do you think should a man possess to be successful?
contestant: i think, that for a man to be successful, he should be a responsible, because if he should not be a responsible, he will not have a successful. that is all. i thank you.


5. kuya germs, interviewing the boygroup, 98 degrees

kuya germs: are you already married?
98 member: no, i'm still single.
kuya: WOW! imagine that! what a koynseedense! three years ago, you are here, you are single. i am here, i am single. now, three years after, you are still here, you are still single. i am still here, i am still single! it's anbeeleebabol!




6. leonardo litton and rodel velayo, guesting on keep on dancing

charlene gonzales: hi leonardo, hi rodel, welcome to keep on dancing!
leonardo litton: welcome din po!


7. TV patrol coverage by JV Villar, of an old and ugly transvestite hooker, CANDY, reporting to police the alleged homicide attack on him/her by SAID ALAA, a Palestinian "client." This was shot just outside Said's prison cell, and Saad and Candy are standing side by side.

Candy: But him and me, we are already decisioning. That I will decision to not anymore demand a case to him.
(off-cam voice): paano mangyayari na hindi mo na siya kakasuhan.
Candy: That him and me, he will marry me.

Natawa na lang si Saad at dumeretso sa selda niya.

8. Eat Bulaga husband and wife compatability contest (a la New Married game)

Host: Misis, ano ang nilalagay ni Mister sa kanyang itlog tuwing umaga??
Misis: Johnson's Baby Powder!

[kimpOy]

Ano sa Tagalog ang asawa? ("May bahay")
Ano naman ang kabit? ("May condo")
=========

In an obstetricians clinic:
Doc: "Hubad na, iha. Huwag kang mag-alala... I won't take advantage of you!"
Girl: "Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty at bra ko?"
Doc: "iyan lang sa may tabi ng brief ko."!
============================

[FrankDrebin]

In an obstetricians clinic too:

Doc: Ah iha, first time mo bang magpacheck-up sa isang OB?

Girl: Opo, medyo kinakabahan nga po ako eh. First time ko rin pong mag-buntis at magpacheckup sa OB.

Doc: Ah ok. Huwag kang matakot. Check-up ko lang kayo at ng magiging baby mo. O sige iha punta ka na dun sa may parang higaan doon at easy ka lang. Gawin mo lang yung position na ginawa ninyong mag-asawa noong unang gabi ninyo.

Girl: O sige po dok.

At natawa na lang ang doktor ng makitang naka-tuwad (ala doggie) ang babae.

;)