[Merged] Just for Laughs

[silverbx986]

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
***
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
***
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
***
There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.
***
Life is ***ually transmitted.
***
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
***
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
***
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
***
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
***
Why does the OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?
***
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
***
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
***
Does pushing the elevator more than once make it arrive faster?
***

[bavent]

Pinoy Humor -- defies translation -- enjoy


Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.

Better late than pregnant.

Behind the clouds are the other clouds.

It's better to cheat than to repeat!

Do unto others... then run!!!

Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop.

Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa bagong gising, 'wag lang sa
lasing na bagong gising.

When all else fails, follow instructions.

Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.

To err is human, to errs is humans.

Ang taong nagigipit...sa bumbay kumakapit

Pag may usok...may nag-iihaw

Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin... may utang.

No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry.

Birds of the same feather that pray together...stay together.

Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.

Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.

Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang pinanggalingan .... ay may
stiff neck.

Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.

Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may taga, may tahi.

Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.

Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment

Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.

Better late than later....

Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay
kubo, sa paligid ligid ay puno ng linga.

Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!

No man is an island because time is gold. (Huh?)

Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto.. muta lang yan.

Kapag ang puno mabunga...mataba ang lupa!

When it rains...it floods (especially in Manila )

Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon .. mauubusan din ng kandila.

Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw, minsan nasa
vulcanizing shop.

Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan... sapul.

Try and try until you succeed... or else try another.

Ako ang nagsaing... iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh.

Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik.

Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.

If you can't beat them, shoot them. (Nalundasan)

An apple a day is too expensive.

An apple a day makes seven apples a week. (really expensive)

__._,_.___

[swordsman]

English murdered by Pinoys

"Guys, let's call it tonight!"
"All of a suddenly..."
"C'mon! Let's get it on with it!"
"When it rains, it's four."
"Thanks God!"
"The nerves!" or "The nerd!"
"The idea crossed at the back of my mind."
"(name of person), eat your hat out!"
"This is our rooster of clients..."
"The more the manyer."
"It's a no-win-win situation."
"Burn the bridge when you get there."
"Anulled and void."
"Mute and academic."
"C'mon let's join us!"
"If worse comes to shove."
"Are you joking my leg?"
"It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore."
"What are friends are for?"
"You can never can tell."
"Well well well. Look do we have here!"
"Let's give them a big hand of applause."
"Been there, been that."
"Forget it about it."
"Give him the benefit of the daw."
"It's a blessing in the sky."
"Right there and right then."
"Where'd you came from?"
"Take things first at a time."
"You're barking at the wrong dog."
"You want to have your cake and bake it too."
"First and for all"
"Now and there."
"I'm only human nature."
"The sky's the langit."
"That's what I'm talking about it."
"One of these days is not like the other."
"So far, so good, so far."
"Time is of the elements."
"In the wink of an eye."
"The feeling is actual."
"For all intense and purposes."
"I ran into some errands."
"Hi. I'm (state your name), what's yours?"

"What is the world is coming to?"
"What is the next that is?"
"Get the most of both worlds."
"Whatever you say so."
"Base-to-base casis."
"My answers have been prayered."
"Please me alone!"
"It's as brand as new."
"So... what's a beautiful girl like you?...."
"I can't take it anymore of this!"
"Are you sure ka na ba?" (My personal favorite!)
"Can't you just cut me some slacks?"
"I couldn't care a damn!"
"what's your next class before this?"
"nothing in this world is perfect except the word change."
"Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the
top?(ulitin natin hanggang mamatay tayo.)
"my dad brought home a lot of hand-me-downs!" (translation:daming
pasalubong ng tatay ko)
"standard & chartered bank"
"I'm very iterated! (translation:galit sya!)
"I'm sorry, my boss just passed away." (translation : kakadaan lang
ng boss nya.)
"Hello, my boss is out of town, would you like to wait?"
"What happened after the erection of mayon volcano?"
"Don't touch me not!"
"Hello,.. for a while, please hang yourself..."
"It's spilled milk under the bridge."
"Don't change anything! keep it at ease."
"Hello mcdo, magiinquire lang ako kung magkano ang kidney meal?"
"Out of fit ako these days e..."
"Bring down the house down!"

[claRkEnt]

Nagkaroon ng exam ang agencies ng USA para malaman kung sino sa mga agencies ang magaling mag execute ng man-hunt. Ang mga participants ay:

NYPD = New York Police Department, USA
FBI = Federal Bureau of Investigation, USA
CIA = Central Intelligence Agency, USA
PNP = Philippine National Police, Phil (Special International Guest Participant)

Isang puting rabbit ang papakawalan sa isang gubat. Each agency will be given three (3) months to find the rabbit.

Unang grupong contestant, NYPD.

Pumasok sa gubat ang kanilang search and rescue squad, S.W.A.T., at pinalibutan ng mga police ang buong gubat. Ipinasok rin nila sa gubat ang kanilang detectives, at experts sa paghahanap ng nawawala.

After 3 months, lumabas ang NYPD sa gubat.

Nag release sila ng press statement, "After 3 months of intensive search for the white rabbit, we regret to inform you that because the rabbit had a head start, it was able to elude our units, and was able to pass through our dragnet. The rabbit has escaped."

Next ang FBI.

Pumasok rin sa gubat mga FBI, dala dala ang mga helicopters, mga sniffing dogs, at sari saring experts para hanapin ang rabbit.

After 3 months, lumabas ang FBI sa gubat.

Nag release rin sila ng press statement, "After 3 months of finding the white rabbit, we had some interesting leads. However, as we were closing in on its location, somebody must have tipped it off, and it was able to elude us by disguising as a deer. The rabbit has escaped."

Next ang CIA.

Pumasok ang CIA, at dahil meron silang special powers to request assistance from the US Military, dinala na rin nila ang US Army para tulungan sila sa paghanap.
After 3 months of firefight, bombing, and special operations, lumabas ang CIA sa gubat.

Sabi nila sa press statement, "We used everything at our disposal. We didn't leave any stone unturned. We bombed everything in sight. I'm sure, you will not find any rabbit there anymore. He's probably scattered all around the forest in tiny little pieces!"

Last, but not least, the PNP.

Napatawa ang ibang agencies dahil ang pumasok lang sa gubat na PNP ay lima lang.

Pero laking gulat na lang nila dahil next day mismo, lumabas ang PNP, dala dala ay isang grizzly bear, na naka posas, bugbog sarado ang mukha, halos sarado ang isang mata dahil sa bugbog, dugu-an, at sumisigaw,

"OO NA! OO NA!!! AKO ANG WHITE RABBIT!!! AKO ANG WHITE RABBIT!!!"

[russpogi]

/\
|
|
Hahaha!!! Panalo 'to!

[zidane21]

:bwahaha:

[Chip]

LMAO!!!

[swordsman]

Bugtungan
Patpat mong matigas, labas masok sa butas.
Pag iyong idiin, giniling-giling, kiliti and mararating.
Ano ito?............ Cotton buds! Wag dumi isip ha, bad iyan.

Pulis: Bakit mo inihagis ang bata sa bintana?
Yaya: Sinunod ko lang po ang utos ng amo ko.
Sabi po ng amo ko, 'wala na tayong Pampers,
i- Huggies mo na lang si baby.

What is the most impressive example of Tolerance?
Ah! Golden Wedding Anniversary!

Applicants
Two girls nag-aaply ng work…1 matalino, 1 bobo
Matalino: Buti ka pa natanggap. Ano ba ginawa mo?
Bobo: Wala. Nung nag-fill up me ng form, nilagay ko
sa ***, sure.

Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing
Religion, ***uality and Mystery.
Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who
the father is?"

Sensitive Child
1st day in school...
Mom to teacher - Very sensitive po ang anak ko. Kung kailangan nyo po parusahan, sampalin nyo na lang po ang katabi nya. matatakot na 'yan!

Love and Marriage Cycle
1-2 yrs: magkasalo sa plato
3-5 yrs: tig-isang plato
5-7 yrs: nagbabatuhan na ng plato
8-10 yrs: wala na silang plato
That is what we call PLATOnic love!

Three brothers named Bu, Chu and Fu migrated to USA from China.
They decided to change their names:
Bu became Buck
Chu became Chuck .
Fu decided to go back to China.

Man: I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!

Do you know why bra makers measure cup size by "A B C D E F"?
A - almost gone
B - barely noticeable
C - comfortable
D - damn good
E - extremely big and
F - Fake

Learning French
City - ce vou
Drug - sha vou
Good bye - va vou
Bald - cal vou
Caught in the act - navo cou
Feathers - valahi vou
Not clear - mala vou
Cute - a cou

Chalk
Amo: 'Day, ang chalk na ito para mamatay ang ipis. Gamitin mo sa pader.
Maid : Opo, ati.
Next day ...... Nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader...
"Epes mamatay kayong lahat!"

Katapusan
Lumindol ng malakas noon.... Nagkagulo and lahat at nag-panic.
Sumigaw ang! isang lalake.. "Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa pang lalake.. "Tanga, a kinse pa lang."

[aromatics]

A man goes to jail just after his honeymoon with the brand new beautiful wife...

Luckily junior was conceived in that honeymonn night...

Finally after ten long years without s.ex inside prison, the Man is freed and the beautiful wife and son picks him up....

After about an hour of eternity driving from prison to their house a loud conversation inside the car is heard...

Man : FF!
Wife : EF!
Man : FF!
Wife : EF!
Man : FF!
Wife : EF!
Junior : Mom! Dad! What are you arguing about! (shouted annoyingly)

Man (shouting back annoyed) : Your Mother Wants to EAT FIRST!!!

[aromatics]

jejeje...

dami kakatawa dito, 2 days din me natawa...keep on going guys

[aromatics]

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down.
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate-Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had ***?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have *** at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the mother-in-law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(touch tones...ringing...)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of Hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have ***, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "10, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sarah: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the a.s.s."

(Long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

[swordsman]

Happy Father's Day from Durex Condoms:

[c0zee]

check this out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezlAJKvGPN0

[zidane21]

got this from someone read on,

a lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address:

a minneapolis couple decided to go to florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.they planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.because of hectic schedules,it was difficult to coordinate their travel schdules.so the husband left minneapolis and flew to florida on thursday,with his wife flying down the following day.
the husband checked into the hotel,and unlike years ago,there was a computer in his room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.however,he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address,and without noticing his error,sent the e-mail.
meanwhile....somewhere in houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.he was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.the widow decided to check her e-mail,expecting messages from relatives and friends.after reading the first message,she screamed and fainted.
the widow's son rushed to the room,found his mother on the floor,and they glanced up the computer screen which read:




To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday,October 13,2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me.They have computers here now,and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in.I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow,and look forward to seeing you then.hope your journey is as eventful as mine was.



PS:Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

:bwahaha:

[vhenok]

try this:

[size=2]http://www.break.com/index/bathroomprank1.html[/size]
[size=2][/size]
[size=2]eto pa:[/size]
[size=2][/size]
[size=2][size=2]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdgdBOTUSqg&search=japanese%20game%20show [/size]

[size=2][/size]

[/size]

[C#@RD]

Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang

********************

Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi ako
driver ng funenaria

[StraightSix]

FWD'ed e-mail:

"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it because it is. To do or
not to is in the what, now or what else. Without which there never to you!"
- words of wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid.

Mom: baby, you' re good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what's your
answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!

BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang! problema natin dahil nagmamahalan tayo!
ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama

Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare ako nanalo!

Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
(after a few minutes)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! **** pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!

Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi ako
driver ng funenaria

1 panget na babe, hinoholdap
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...

1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso
Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!

In a pet shop...
Customer talking to a parrot...
Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!

Girl: doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim

Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na...ano ang balak mo
itanim sa sakahan mo anak?
Anak: flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers! pretty diba?!

[rsnald]

when this happens..you know your car is far too ***y for you to handle ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Uh9g...page=1&t=t&f=b

[knight23]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been seeing someone else. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

[claRkEnt]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been seeing someone else. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

HAHAHAHA.... Typical Tsikoteer ba???