[Merged] Just for Laughs

[ssaloon]

nice door knocker

[ssaloon]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "Ok, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a catch."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000.00"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again!"

[Litespeed]

LOL !!!!

[Ungas]

:bwahaha: Best joke I've read so far. :bwahaha:

[luloym]

SPECIAL REPORT - - SPECIAL REPORT - - SPECIAL REPORT
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. . . . .

Among the brothers:
Sooflay... the restaurateur
Guday... the half-Australian brother
Huray... the sports fanatic
Sashay... the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay... the twins from the African mother
Sayhay... the baseball player
Ojay... the stalker/murderer
Gulay... the singer/entertainer
Ebay... the Internet czar
Biliray... the country music star
Ecksray... the radiologist
Puray... the blender factory owner
Regay... the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay... the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:
Pusay... the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay... the coffee shop owner
Bufay... the 300 pound sister
Dushay... the clean sister
Gudlay... the prostitute

[ssaloon]

TANDANG TANDA NAMIN NI KUYA ANG SAYA AT LUMBAY SA PODER NILA INAY AT
ITAY...LALO NA ANG MGA MAGAGANDANG LESSONS NA NATUTUNAN NAMIN SA
KANILA!

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako ng HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas. Mga *******
kayo,
kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay.
"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"

3. Si Itay, tinuruan niya kami ni Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng TIME
TRAVEL.
"Kung di kayo tumigil ng pagngangawa diyan, tatadyakan ko kayo ng todo
hanggang umabot kayo sa isang linggo!"

4. Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC.
"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."

5. Kay Inay din ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC.
"Kapag ikaw ay nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang magisa ang manonood
ng
sine."

6. Kay Itay naman natuto ng FORESIGHT si Kuya.
"Siguraduhin mo na lagi kang mag susuot ng malinis na brief, para pag
nakascore ka sa syota mo e di kahihiyahiya."

7. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sahibin ng
IRONY.
"Sige ngumalngal ka, kung di bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

8. Kay Inay ako natuto ng science of OSMOSIS.
"*******, itigil mo ang kadadakdak at tapusin mong kainin ang
inihanda kong
hapunan para sa iyo."

9. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM.
"Tignan mo nga yan dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tignan mo?!?"

10. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng
STAMINA.
"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo natatapos kainin lahat yan
gulay mo!"

11. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng WEATHER.
"Alangya, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng
bagyo!"

12. CIRCLE OF LIFE, ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay ay ganito:
"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang
alisin
sa mundong ito."

13. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Tatadyakan kita diyan, huwag ka ngang maguumarte diyan ng parang
Nanay
mo!"

14. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng
ENVY.
"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang, di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at
mayroon
kayong magulang na tulad namin?."

15. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION.
"Tangna kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay...."!

16. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung ano ibig sabihin ng
RECEIVING.
"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay....!"

17. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa aking kung ano ang HUMOR.
"Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawn mover, wag
na wag
kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpohin kita!"

18. Kay Itay naman natuto si Kuya ng HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"Kung di ka matutong magbati, eh di ka nga tatangkad."

19. Si Inay ang nagturo sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS.
"Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya."

20. Kay Inay din ako natuto ng WISDOM.
"Pag umabot ka na ng edad ko, saka mo pa lang maiintindihan ang
lahat."

21. At ang paborito ko sa lahat na natutunan ko kay Inay at Itay ay
kung
ano
ang JUSTICE.
"Isang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak, panalangin namin na sana'y
matulad
sila sa yo... haliparot!"

[ssaloon]

An eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her Mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?

I want to know!

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man,
with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit step out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father,
the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000, 000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage.

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:

"You'll f**k her again!"

[Ungas]

[SIZE=3]Balete Drive Story[/SIZE]


>
> There was this guy named MARK. One night, he was walking all alone sa
> Balete Drive (e di ba, that road is infamous for having ghosts daw,
> white ladies and stuff??) Tapos sobrang dilim ng paligid, walang
> katao-tao...
>
> tapos habang naglalakad siya, may narinig siyang tumawag sa name
> niya... "MARK! MARK! MARK!" Lumingon siya, pero, WALANG TAO!!!
> Binilisan niya yung lakad, tapos may tumatawag pa rin sa kanya!!!
> "MARK! MARK! MARK!" Lumingon siya pero WALA PA RIN!!! Tumakbo na siya
> pero hinahabol pa rin siya talaga ng boses! "MARK! MARK! MARK!"
>
> When he got to the corner of Balete Drive and E. Rodriguez he saw a large sign, and written on
>
>
>
>
>
>
> it, in LARGE BOLD LETTERS... "BEWARE... NGONGONG ASO"

:bwahaha: :bwahaha: :bwahaha:

[TEAL]

Paging John Edward

There was this couple, Mary and John, who believed they would return in another life.

They got married and, as part of their wedding vows, promised that if one died, the other would attend a seance exactly four weeks later and contact the other.

Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow and visits a seance four weeks later. It went something like this:

Mary: "Is there anybody there? I'm seeking my deceased husband John. Is he there?"

Strange, booming voice: "Mary? Is that you, Mary?"

Mary: "Yes John, is that you?"

John: "Yes, it's me."

Mary: "How are things where you are, John? What's it like?"

John: "Great, Mary. Everyday after breakfast we make love until lunchtime, which lasts about half-hour, then we make love until dinner. After dinner, we make love until we fall asleep. It's great. I can't wait until you get here."

Mary (shocked): "Is that what Heaven's like?"

John: "I'm not in Heaven."

Mary (fearing the worst): "Then where are you?"

John: "I'm a rabbit in Florida!"

[Ungas]

TERRIBLY TRUE TRUISM'S

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.