Joke Time!

[GBStJames]

Hahahahaha! Nice one.

That was an actual answer of a student here in our university.

[SiRbossR]

^HAHA. Win!

[isa1023]

Pork Chop Duo classic:

Use "parachute" in a sentence. Say it in a ***y way.

"Wag kang malikot ... para shoot!"

:naughty2:

[gongrhey]

[SIZE=3]Magic wand[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Anything, Father…”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Father, could I ask something of you?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Yes, Sister?” I have never seen a man’s pen—. Could I see yours?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“I suppose that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Oh Father, may I touch it?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Sister, you know that if I insert my pen – in the right place, it can give life.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Is that true Father?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Yes, it is, Sister.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Oh Father, that’s wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”[/SIZE]


got this from Boo Chanco's column.

[nervenllarena]

A blonde named Shelly decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn’t done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Shelly: “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static.”

Clerk: “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?”

Shelly: “Head Cleaner.”

[nervenllarena]

i got this one from one of my FB friends :

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said,” You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water,gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

“What happened?” he exclaimed.

“You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse.

“The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

[nervenllarena]

another one :

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news.” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh god no!” cries the man. “My career is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm! I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant”

“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great” says the business man. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great.” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors”

“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a success.”

“Well there is one problem,” said the golfer, “every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!”

[nervenllarena]

Enjoy :

At 90 years of age, Henry marries Lisa, a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, Lisa decides that on their wedding night, she and Henry are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together having ***.

After the wedding and reception are over, Lisa prepares herself for bed, and for the expected visit from her new husband. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well. Henry goes back to his room and Lisa prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lisa hears another knock on the bedroom door. Henry’s ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, Lisa consents to further love making. When the newlyweds are done, Henry kisses Lisa, bids her good night, and leaves.

Lisa is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Henry, as fresh as a 25 year old stud and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Henry is once again set to leave, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that you’re able to go at it all night at your age, honey. I’ve been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You’re a great lover, Henry.”

Henry, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lisa and says, “You mean I was here already?”

[nervenllarena]

Pampasaya

A middle aged wife had just returned to the house on a Sunday afternoon after her shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been extremely rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he was helping her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any panties under her dress.

Without even thinking, the salesman blurted out, “If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite.”

Well, the woman was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching the football game on TV, and shrugged his shoulders. The wife became furious, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman to defend her honor.

“Well”, the husband replied, “There are three reasons I won’t get in a fight with that guy. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole closet full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no panties on. But most of all, I’m not going to fight anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!”

[nervenllarena]

Kayo gaano katagal kayo makakatiis ?

Three couples – one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed – were interested in joining the church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new members. You must abstain from having *** for two weeks.” The couples agreed to the terms and they all came back at the end of the two week period.

The priest went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from *** for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father.”

“Congratulations, you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from *** for the two weeks?”

The middle-aged man replied, “The first week wasn’t too bad. The second week I ended up having to sleep on the couch for a few nights, but yes, we made it.”

“Congratulations you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

Finally, the priest went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Were you two newlyweds able to abstain from *** for two weeks?”

“No Father, we were not able to go without *** for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What happened?” asked the priest.

“My wife was reaching for a can of soup on the top shelf and she dropped it,” said the man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“I see. Unfortunately this means you will not be welcomed into our church,” said the priest.

“We know,” said the couple. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

[nervenllarena]

sick but funny

John just bought a new rifle and he couldn’t wait to try it out. He decided he would try his hand at hunting bears. On his hunting trip, John spotted a small brown bear and shot it. A couple seconds after he shot, John felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing there. The black bear said, “That was my cousin you shot. You’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have ***.”

After considering his options for a moment, John reluctantly decided to have *** with the bear. Even though he was sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed to get his revenge on the big black bear.

John headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a big grizzly bear standing right next to him. The grizzly said, “You’ve made a big mistake, John. That black bear was my cousin and now you’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have rough ***.” Once again, John agreed to the ***.

John barely survived and it took several months for him to recover. He was determined to get his revenge on the grizzly. John headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. Finally, revenge was his, but then there was yet another tap on his shoulder! John turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him with a sneer and said, “Admit it, John, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

[nervenllarena]

Love poetry

A poetry contest had come down to two finalists, a Harvard graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a single word, then allowed five minutes to try to come up with a poem that contained the word they were given. This time they were given the word, “Timbuktu.”

The Harvard grad got to go first. This is his poem::

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The audience applauded loudly thinking there was no way the redneck would be able to come up with a better poem than the Harvard grad. The redneck scoffed, confidently strolled up to the microphone and said:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three hoes in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two.
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

[nervenllarena]

This is dedicated to all the Eng. and Lawyers peace

An engineer dies and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his list and says, “Ah, I see you’re an engineer, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer is sent to the gates of hell and is let in. The engineer quickly became unhappy with the comfort level in hell. He started designing and building several improvements. Before long, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and other amenities. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the phone and asks sarcastically, “Hey there Satan, how’s it going down there in hell these days?”

Satan responds, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and that’s just a start! There’s no telling what this engineer you sent down here is going to come up with next!”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That must have been a mistake! He should never have gotten down there so please send him back.”

Satan says, “No way in hell! I like having an engineer down here, and I plan on keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back right now or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs so hard he can barely reply, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?”

[nervenllarena]

Funny Funny

A man is at the desk in a hotel lobby. As he turns around to leave, he bumps into an attractive woman standing behind him. Unfortunately his elbow hit her square in the breast. The two of them are both pretty startled by the incident. The man turns to the woman and says, “Miss, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I just know you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replies, “Sir, if your penis is as hard as your elbow, you can find me in room 234.”


A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water.... The barman says " I thought you only drank blood ?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says......... " I'm making tea " !!

[dcph172]

another one :

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news.” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh god no!” cries the man. “My career is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm! I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant”

“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great” says the business man. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great.” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors”

“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a success.”

“Well there is one problem,” said the golfer, “every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!”

haha medyo di ko nagets tong part na to. sorry slow! pede paexplain :D

[robot.sonic]

ako din. nahiya lang ako mag post kasi baka ako lang di nakakagets.

[chua_riwap]

When Love Fades...

Last night, I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my dear. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you sweetheart, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup. I was talking to the dog."

[nervenllarena]

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better than ***

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Its OK when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else,
because you ARE someone else.

5. 40 years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

AND….

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!!

[nervenllarena]

This is my kind of party

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night.” The Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies,” Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.” We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, ” How do you play that?”

Bob continues between hung over gasps,” Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The Mailman laughs and says,” Damn I am sorry I missed that.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds,” your name was guessed four or five times.”

[nervenllarena]

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”