[Merged] Just for Laughs

[TEAL]

The Pope's Surprise

Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.

Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.

They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"

[artpogi]

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

A man is dying of cancer. His son asks: "Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??".
He answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare touch your mom."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.

TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in that park.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"
Answer: "because anything above the pussy and below the tits is considered a waste"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at
the dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please pass me your vagina?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Question: "what's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful,
rich husband who satisfies his wife ***ually every night and Bin
Laden?"



"BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally
realised with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth buying the whole pig.

[FrankDrebin]

The text capital of the world, the country that gave
birth to Macoy Jokes and Erap Jokes, now gives us
Pidal Jokes. Just in case you hav'nt heard them, here they are:

Fuming mad daw si gma sa "incredible hulk" exposé ni
ping! She confronted BIG MIKE and said?
SINO TOH? DI KO ALAM TOH! KABIT MO BA TOH! MAGSABI
KA NG TOH-TOH-O!

Jose Velarde and Jose Pidal are making a movie
together. It will be called Dumb and Dumber. Sponsored
by the Ateneo Alumni Association.

WORST PINOY CURSE: May u have d height of GMA,IQ of
ERAP,integrity of FVR, fairness of GRINGO,Humility of
Sec.REYES,honesty of MIKE ARROYO & ***uality of PING!

Mabuti na lang No.1 si GMA.Ang plaka ng kotse niya ay
no.ONE. Plaka ni Vicky ay No.TOH!

Biking is not a good exercise. Yun PIDAL NG PIDAL..
TUMATABA!

Q:kung ang ekonomiya ng ibang South East Asian
countries ay De-MOTOR na,
ano naman ang ekonomiya natin under GMA.
A: De-PIDAL

JOSE P-I-D-A-L irambol mo yung pidal and you get
L-A-P-I-D LAPID CHICHARON. NAKU! SI MIKE ARROYO NGA!

SIGAW NG BAYAN? IBAGSAK ANG PIDALISMO? LABANAN ANG
TOH-RERISMO!

Gloria: I love you Mike. Mike: I love you Toh.

What does ateneo have that la salle doesn't have? Jose
RIZAL Jose VELARDE Jose PIDAL.

Bagay daw talaga sina Mike A at Vicky Toh. Para
silang?

Tohkaw't baboy!

What do gringo honasan & mike arroyo have in common?
Gringo has a mistah.. Mike has a mis toh.

GMA will soon announce a 4-point plan that will secure
her place in history:

1.Divorce Mike A.
2.Indict Mike A.
3.Convict Mike A.
4.but Save Nani Perez.

wats wrong if mike arroyo is doing a laundering
job?it's a family business. gloria is a lavandera,
remember?

Anong favrit fud ni mike? puTOH! Favorite collection
nya? Mga baTOH! Kanino siya galit? Sa mga taong
pumipiTOH! Kmusta na sya ngayon? litong-liTOH!

Whats d difference bet. ERAP & MIKE ARROYO? Both
billionaires, both atenista, both fat, both jose, both
stupid? Pero si Erap, mas ok taste sa babae. ü

Pero si Erap, mas ok taste sa babae. Talaga? E bakit
ang napangasawa nya e mukhang bakla, yung senadora
ba?? A, ewan! ü

Ano ang big dream ni Mike Arroyo?
Sagot: Ang VICTORIA ni GLORIA sa TOH thousand & four
election sa TOHlong ng salaPING nakuha sa MAHUSAY na
donation!

PLEASE PASS: I SALUTE PING FOR the EXPOSÉ, GALING MO
MAG-INTEL SA MGA BANK ACCOUNT, KAYA PALA ALAM MO KUNG
SINO ANG KIKIDNAPIN!

SYERAP FILES:
Q: kung ang nickname ni Ignacio Arroyo ay IGGY, ano po
naman nickname ni Mike Arroyo?

A: PIGGY

Like father, like son. Si MIKE, may Vicky TOH. Si
MIKEY nman may Rufa Mae quinTOH! sabi n PING.

ENGLISH: MIKE ARROYO GRILLED IN SENATE BY PING!
TAGALUGIN NATIN:
MIKE ARROYO NILITSON SA SENADO NI PING-PING!
akin ang balat ha!!

we must respect other peoples opinion, my family & i
are for LACSON, we admire him and he has done a
lot?..
ESPECIALLY WHEN HE WAS MAYOR OF MANILA! (ngeh!)

NEWSFLASH: GMA is finally resigning. According 2 GMA:
Nang tinira nyo c MIKE, tiniis ko kahit msakit. Pero
ngayon, c NANI naman. Ayoko na! PERSONALAN NA YAN!

ano ang tawag sa pagtataksil sa asawa? inPIDALity.

[TEAL]

No offense sa mga Atheists dito. PEACE:

Shark!

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.

As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.

As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

[FrankDrebin]

Words of Wisdom

Don’t judge my brother. He’s not a book!– Melanie Marquez

Bulag ka ba? Are you dep? – Melanie Marquez

They are not acting maturity.– Melanie Marquez

"I won't stoop down to my level!!!" - Melanie Marquez

"I would like to thank my mader, I would like to thank my pader, but most of all, I would like to thank my parents"- Melanie Marquez

"My brother is not a girl, he is a gentleman." - Melanie Marquez

"That's why I'm a success, it's because I do not MIDDLE in other people's lives." - Melanie Marquez

"yung std... baka sa maruming toilet lang nya nakuha yan." - Melanie Marquez

"eh ikaw ba naman durugin ang ari mo? pag di ba naman manutok ka ng baril?" - Melanie Marquez

"i don't eat meat. i'm not a carnival." - Melanie Marquez


1. Melanie Marquez and Boy Abunda:

BOY: O, Melanie, paano na ang showbiz career mo ngayong nagmo-Mormon ka na?
MELANIE: A okay lang yan Boy, kasi matagal na rin akong semi-retarded.

2. HOST: "Ano ba ang pinaka-favorite mong movie lately, Melanie?"

MELANIE: "Maganda yung kay Emma Thompson at Kate Winslet, yung 'Simple and Simplicity'."

3. Aiai to Melanie Marquez: "Huy Melanie, lagot ka na! maraming nagsasabing si ANGELICA JONES na ang aagaw sa trono mo!!"

Melanie to Aiai and Angelica "Ay naku, hindi puede iyan. Hinding hindi mangyayari iyan noh!"

Aiai to Melanie: "Anong hindi mangyayari? Na agawan ka ng trono?"

Melanie to Ai ai "Oo. Hindi ako puedeng agawan ng trono noh. THATS PIRACY!!"

[TEAL]

hahaha! ok talaga melanie jokes mo frank! change the title though to "words of wisDUMB".

[FrankDrebin]

Asked what she has to say about *** and violence in movies, Alma quipped, "Piano nga hindi ako marunong tumugtog, violins pa kaya!"

:D

Alma and company at the drive-thru area of McDo, ordering sandwiches.

Counter Boy: Big Mac or what?

Alma: Big Mac for me Small Mac for Vandolph.

Counter Boy: For dine-in or for take-out?

Alma: For Vandolph.

:D

[eyescube]

MGA KUWENTO KE BOY BASTOS: JOKE JOKE JOKE

----------------------------------

bago pa man mabuo si boy...

sperm 1: pare, maghanda na tayo! malapit na tayong lumabas!

sperm 2: onga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!

sperm 1: ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!...BALIK! ***!
***! ***!

sumunod na oras....

sperm 1: pare, maghanda na tayo! malapit na uli tayong lumabas!

sperm 2: onga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!

sperm 1: ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!...BALIK! TONSIL!
TONSIL!

at sa sumunod pa...

sperm 1: pare, maghanda na tayo! malapit na uli tayong lumabas!

sperm 2: onga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!

sperm 1: ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD! *splat!*
condom...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

sa kabutihang palad ay nabuo rin si boy. at di nagtagal...

nanay: honey!!! oras na! manganganak na ako!!!

tatay: talaga honey? o teka lang! wag kang gagalaw!

(biglang naghubad si tatay at ipinasok nya ang kanyang batutoy sa
batutay ni nanay!)

nanay: honey! anong ginagawa mo???

tatay: basta! akong bahala! ANAK! KUMAPIT KA! KUMAPIT KA!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
----

hindi umepekto ang "delivering the baby" style ni tatay, so dinala si
nanay sa ospital...

doc: ayan ho Mrs., nakalabas na ang ulo ng anak nyo!

nabigla si doc ng ...

boy bastos: hoy! ikaw ba tatay ko?

doc: hindi! hindi ako ang tatay mo! nurse halika dito dali!

nang dumating ang lalaking nurse...

boy bastos: hoy! ikaw ba tatay ko?

nurse: naku! hindi ako ang tatay mo! teka tatawagin ko sya!

nang dumating si tatay...

boy bastos: hoy! ikaw ba tatay ko?

tatay: oo anak! ako nga!

Boy bastos: (sinundot-sundot and noo ng tatay) masarap ba yan ha?
masarap?!

----------------------------------------------------

Isang araw, nung mga three years old na si Boy Bastos, sabay sila
naligo ng tatay niya nang mapansin niyo yung etits ng kanyang tatay.

Boy Bastos: Tay, ano po yan?

Tatay: A, eto, a, eh, ano to ?ah ?. (nahiya pa ang *beep*)

Boy Bastos: Yan pong nakalawit na yan?

Tatay: A, anak, eh, lumpia to.

Boy Bastos: Tangnang lumpia yan, mukhang tite!!!

----------------------------------------------------

kinagabihan ..... nakita ni boy na dinidilaan ng nanay nya ang betlog
ng tatay nya...

boy bastos: nay, anong ginagawa mo?

nanay: ah, anak, kumakain lang ako ng bola-bola.

Boy bastos: antakaw mo naman nay! may bola-bola ka na nga, may lumpia
ka pa!

----------------------------------------------------

nung hapon na ? nakita nya ang boobs ng kanyang nanay

boy bastos: nay ano yan?

nanay: wala anak, salbabida ang mga to.

Boy bastos: pwede ko bang gamitin yan sa beach bukas?

nanay: hindi pwede anak kasi gagamitin ko.

Boy bastos: eh di yung kay yaya nalang.

nanay: hindi pwede anak. walang hangin yun e.

boy bastos: imposible nay! ka-iihip lang ni tatay kagabi e!

-----------------------------------------------------

Nang mga 4 years old naman si Boy Bastos, aksidenteng nakita niya ang
bulbol ng nanay niya.

Boy Bastos: Nay ano po iyan? Bat may buhok kayo diyan?

Nanay: Ah anak, wala iyan. Walis iyan.

Boy Bastos: t*ng!n* kaya pala kagabi nakita ko yung katulong natin
winawalis yung mukha ni tatay.

-----------------------------------------------------

nagtanong ang nanay ni boy sa kanya...

Nanay: anak bat ayaw mong magpaligo sa yaya mo?

Boy Bastos: e kasi nakakatakot sya! nakita ko kahapon nung
pinapaliguan nya si itay...

Nanay: o anong nakakatakot dun?

Boy Bastos: eh...nangangagat ng t1t1 e!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Nasa isang mall si Boy Bastos nang bigla siyang ma-jingle. Pumunta
siya sa pinakamalapit na CR pero sarado ang men's room. Dahil
desperado, sa women's room na lang siya nag-CR. Nang palabas siya,
nahuli siya ng janitor.

Janitor: Hoy, bakit dito ka umihe, hindi mo ba alam na pambabae itong
CR na to?

Inilabas ni Boy Bastos ang tite at ipinakita sa janitor.

Boy Bastos: E bakit ito, hindi ba ito pambabae?

----------------------------------------------------

crush ni boy si nene kaya di nya ito tinitigilan ?... sinisiko ni
boy si nene

nene: mam! si boy o! sinisiko ako!

teacher: boy bastos! alam mo bang masakit ang maniko?

Boy bastos: e mam, bat pa kayo pumasok?

---------------------------------------------------

Isang hapon, niyakag ni Boy Bastos maglaro si Nene

boy: uy, nene, laro tayo ng "wag wag"

nene: anong "wag wag"?

boy: ganito lang...maghubad ka tapos papatong ako sayo...tapos
isisigaw mo, "wag! wag!"

---------------------------------------------------

binata na si boy, at nanliligaw sya kay nene...

isang gabi, naiwan si boy at si neneng nag-iisa sa bahay...

boy bastos: sige na nene, pagbigyan mo na ako.

nene: boy wag ayoko...

boy bastos: sige na...

biglang nagbrownout...

boy bastos: o ipapasok ko na ha?

nene: wag boy ang sakit! aaaaaaaa!

sumindi uli ang ilaw. dugu-dugo ang ilong ni nene.

[eyescube]

PART 2

AS BOY BASTOS GREW OLDER...............

Isang hapon, naglalaro ng tong-its si Boy Bastos at ang iba nyang mga
kaibigan. Nandun sila sa bahay ng kaibigan nyang si Pedro.

Problema lang, ang kulit-kulit ng anak ni Pedro na limang taon pa
lang. Sinisilip nya ang baraha ng mga naglalaro at sinisigaw akung
ano yung baraha, kaya nasisira yung laro nila.

Dahil dito, na-bad trip na talaga si Boy Bastos, kaya hinila nya yung
bata at dinala nya sa kwarto. After 15 minutes, bumalik si Boy Bastos
sa mesa, na hindi na kasama yung bata. Tuloy sila nang laro.

Natapos yung session nila nang madaling araw na. Napansin nila na
mula nung dinala ni Boy Bastos sa kwarto yung bata, hindi na bumalik
para mangulit.

Nagtanong si Pedro tungkol sa anak nya, "Boy Bastos, anong ginawa mo
sa anak ko, pa'no mo napatigil sa pangungulit?"

"Andun sa kwarto, tinuruan kong mag-jakol."

----------------------------------------------

Naguusap si boy at ang tatay nya...

tatay: boy, anong gusto mong gawin paglaki mo?

boy: parang ginagawa mo tay!

tatay: ang galing naman ng anak ko! gusto ring mag-abogado!

boy: hindi tay! gusto ko ring tumira ng katulong!

----------------------------------------------

Isang araw ng malapit ng ikasal si Boy Bastos

Tatay: Anak, eto pera, sumibak ka muna para magka-experience ka bago
ka ikasal.. Maraming pokpok dyan sa palengke.

Habang papunta na si Boy Bastos sa Palengke para maghanap ng pokpok,
nakita siya ng lola niyang malibog.

Lola: Boy Bastos apo ko, san ba iho ang lakad mo?

Boy Bastos: Dyan lang po sa palengke. Binigyan ako ng pera ng tatay
para kumantot ng pokpok.

Lola: Bigay mo na lang sa 'kin ang kalahati at ako na lang ang
sibakin mo iho.

Pag-uwi ni Boy Bastos sa Bahay ay abot tenga ang ngiti ng *beep* at
kinausap agad ang tatay.

Boy Bastos: Tay, nakasibak na ko. Nagpasibak sa kin si lola. Kalahati
pa bayad. May pambili pa ko ng bold na tabloid.

Tatay: Ano? t*ng!n* mo bakit mo sinibak nanay ko?

Boy Bastos: t*ng!n* mo rin ikaw nga araw-araw mo sinisibak nanay ko.
Minsan sa pwet pa!

----------------------------------------------

di naglaon ay ikinasal rin sina boy at nene...

sa honeymoon

boy bastos: o nene, mag ano na tayo!

nene: sorry boy ha? meron ako ngayon e.

boy bastos: lang ya naman o...sa pwet nalang!

nene: boy nagtatae rin ako e.

boy bastos: bad trip...sa bibig?

nene: inuubo ako e...*ahem! ahem!*

boy bastos: p*tang ina wag mong sabihing may sipon ka rin?!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------

Nagka-anak sina boy at nene, isang lalaki at isang babae. binata't
dalaga na sila...

Nene jr.: tay, peram naman ng kotse o...

Boy Bastos: sige pero isang kondisyon. mag-ano muna tayo.

Nene jr.: tay meron ako ngayon e. blowjob nalang kita.

Boy bastos: o sige.

pagkatapos ng blowjob...

Nene jr.: tay, bat lasang *** yung etits nyo?

Boy bastos: ah ganon ba? hiniram kasi ng kuya mo kanina yung kotse e!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------

lumipas ang mga taon at naging pulis si boy at sa complaint desk sya
naka-assign...

babae: ser, tulungan nyo ho ako...ginahasa ho ako! huhuhu...

boy bastos: isalaysay mo sa akin ang nangyari iha...yung detalyado
ha?

babae: opo...hinoldap po ako ng isang mama, tapos po ay dinala nya
ako sa
isang liblib na lugar. dun po ay hinalik-halikan niya ako. Pagkatapos
ay inumpisahan nya akong hubaran. Una, ang palda ko. Tapos po ang
blouse. At ng naka bra at panty na lang ako ay sinalat po nya ang
aking...

boy bastos: TAMA NA! TAMA NA! sa kabila ka na mag file ng complaint!

babae: bakit ho ser?

Boy bastos: tinitigasan na ako!
------------------------------------------------------------------

Matanda na si Boy Bastos at binata na ang kanyang anak. Pinayagan
niya na itong maghanap ng asawa, ngunit sa isang kondisyon: kailangan
niyang humanap ng asawang inosesnte pa.

Naisip ng anak niya na upang makakita siya ng inosente, ipapapakita
niya ang kanyang etits sa babae at t1t1ngnan ang reaction nito.

Nalibot niya ang buong mundo, ngunit hindi siya makakita ng babaeng
hindi alam kung ano yun. Ngunit isang araw, nakakita siya ng babaeng
mukhang inosente at ipinakita niya yung kanyang tite.

Anak: Ano to?

Babae: Uod, uod.

So, naisip niya, inosente nga ito, akala niya uod yung nakita niya.

At inuwi niya yung babae sa bahay para ipakilala kay Boy Bastos. Para
maipakitang inosente nga, pinakita niya ulit yung tite niya, this
time sa harap ni Boy Bastos.

Anak: Ano to?

Babae: Uod, uod.

At nabilib si Boy Bastos, aba, inosente nga. Kaya sinubukan din ni
Boy Bastos yung babae at ipinakita niya ang kanyang ari.

Boy Bastos: Ano to?

Babae: p*taNG INA, YAN ANG TITE!!!

----------------------------------------------


Isang araw, dahil sa sobrang bastos ni Boy Bastos, kinulam siya ng
isang mangkukulam (siyempre, ano pa ba yung kukulam sa kanya) at
pinaliit ang tite niya. Naging ga-munggo na lang yung tite niya!!!
Isang taon daw siyang magiging ganito.

Ngayon, syempre na bad-trip siya, kase pare *beep* naman, kahit sino
kulamin mo at gawing ga-munggo lang yung tite eh ma-ba bad trip,
diba? Kaya siyempre nagtanong-tanong siya sa mga matatanda sa kanya
kung paano maaalis yung kulam sa kanya.

Sabi ng lola niya, "Ahh, alam ko na. Pumunta ka sa ikapitong gubat ng
ikapitong bundok pagkatawid ng ikapitong ilog. Doon, meron kang
makikitang matandang ermitanyo. Ngayon, merong ipapagawa sa yo yung
ermitanyo, tapos, pwede ka nang mag-wish."

Kaya pumunta si Boy Bastos sa ikapitong gubat ng ikapitong bundok
pagkatawid ng ikapitong ilog. Pagdating niya doon, meron siyang
nakitang matandang unano na nakaupo sa isang bato. Kinausap ito ni
Boy Bastos.

Boy Bastos: A, eh, mama, kayo ho ba yung matandang ermitanyo?

Matanda: Oo, amang, ako nga yon.

Boy Bastos: E, pwede niyo ho ba akong tulungan?

Matanda: Oo, pero meron ipapagawa muna ako sa yo.

Boy Bastos: Ano po iyon?

Matanda: Pwede ba kitang tirahin sa pwet?

(Sandali, hindi pa yun yung joke!)

Nag-isip si Boy Bastos. Hindi naman siguro malaki yung tite nitong
matandang to, eh wala pa atang 3 feet tong unanong to e. Kesa naman
isang taong ga-munggo yung t1t1 niya diba.

Boy Bastos: Sige ho payag na ko!

Matanda: O sige, tuwad na!

Tumuwad si Boy Bastos. Inilabas ng matanda yung t1t1 niya, nagulat si
Boy Bastos dahil, p*tang ina pare kasing laki ng dalawang brasong
pinagdikit yung tite ng matandang unano. Sige tsong, ipagdikit mo
yung mga braso mo. Yung mga kamao mo, ganyan kalaki yung ulo nung
etits ng malibog na matandang *beep*.

Hindi na nakahindi si Boy Bastos dahil naunahan na siya ng matanda.
Binanatan ng matanda yung pwet ni Boy Bastos nang halos tatlong oras
non-stop! Siguro, ngayon, pagkatapos nito, wala nang tunog ang utot
ni Boy Bastos. Wala nang friction eh.

Pagkatapos, kinausap ni Boy Bastos ang matanda na abot-tenga ang
ngiti.

Boy Bastos: Eh, mama, ngayon ho, pwede na ba akong mag-wish?

Matanda: Ala eh, amang naman, pagkatanda mo na e naniniwala ka pa sa
mga wish-wish?

[luloym]

> Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her
>husband's been in a terrible automobile accident.
>
> She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been
>in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page
>the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset
>Mrs. Jones.
>
> "Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.
>
> "Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"
> >
> > The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your
> > husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."
> >
> > "Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"
> >
> > "Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However,
> > his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This
> > means you will have to feed him."
> >
> > Mrs. Jones begins to sob...
> >
> > "And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent
> > pneumonia."
> >
> > Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...
> >
> > "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as
> > he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers
> > must be changed at least five times a day."
> >
> > Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails...
> >
> > The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a
> > regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels
> > will engorge quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him
> > immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be
> > emitting regularly."
> >
> > Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to
> > wither off the bench into a sobbing, pitiful mass.
> >
> > Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the
> > shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just ****in' with you. He's dead."

[ssaloon]

> A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble
> with one of her
> students.
> The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
> Harry answered, "I'm too
> smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third
> -grade and I'm smarter
> than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade
> too!"
> Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the
> principal's office. While Harry
> waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
> the principal what the
> situation was.
> The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a
> test and if he failed
> to answer any of his questions he was to go back to
> the first-grade and
> behave.
> She agreed.
> Harry was brought in and the conditions were
> explained to him and he agreed
> to take the test.
> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
> Harry: "9".
> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
> Harry: "36".
> And so it went with every question the principal
> thought a third-grade
> should know.
> The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I
> think Harry can go to the
> third-grade."
> Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him
> some questions?" The
> principal and Harry both agree.
> Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
> have only two of?
> "Harry, after a moment "Legs."
> Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but
> I do not have?"
> Harry: "Pockets."
> Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
> into?"
> Harry: "Pants"
> Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T,
> is hairy, oval,
> delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
> Harry: Coconut
> Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out
> soft and sticky?
> The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
> could stop the answer,
> Harry was taking charge.
> Harry: Bubblegum
> Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman
> do sitting down and a dog
> do on three legs?
> The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
> could stop the answer.
> Harry: Shake hands
> Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
> questions, okay?
> Harry: Yep.
> Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie
> me down to get me up. I
> get wet before you do.
> Harry: Tent
> Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
> when you're bored. The
> best man always has me first.
> The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
> Harry: Wedding Ring
> Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well,
> I drip. When you blow
> me, you feel good.
> Harry: Nose
> Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates.
> I come with a quiver.
> Harry: Arrow
> Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
> 'K' that means a lot of
> heat and excitement?
> Harry: Firetruck
> The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
> teacher, "Put Harry in
> the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
> myself.

[kimpOy]

me too

bwehehehehe

[ssaloon]

There was this couple that had been married for 20
years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted
on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was
ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy
habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a
wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how
could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says
calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[jesi]

So I guess all those years eh wala ring BJ... he he

[ssaloon]

George Bush goes to hell

> One fine day George Bush died and went to hell,
> where,
> you had better believe, the devil was waiting for
> him. "George!" said the
> devil, "we've got a little problem here: you're on
> my list, and it's very
> clear that you must stay... but I really have no
> room for you... I'm
> booked up solid. However, I think I've come up with
> an acceptable
> solution. I've got three people here who weren't
> quite as bad as you. I'm
> going to let one of them go, and you will take their
> place. I've decided
> to let you choose which one gets to leave, by way of
> your accepting to
> step in and suffer their fate." George thought that
> sounded better than
> no choice at all, so he agreed.
>
> The devil took George to introduce him to his first
> hell. There he saw a
> terrified Richard Nixon trapped in a very rough and
> treacherous sea from
> which there was no escape, forced to tread water
> forever. George watched
> as Dick got swept under time after time, only to
> come up in a panic,
> choking and sputtering ... over and over and over
> again. "No, I don't
> think so," George said, "I'm not a very good
> swimmer, and I don't think I
> could do that for eternity."
>
> So the devil presented George with his second
> hellish alternative, his
> second possible fate. In a hot, dry, windy desert,
> he saw a miserable and
> wasted Ronald Reagan, swinging a large sledgehammer,
> breaking enormous
> piles of rocks into smaller ones. He had been
> condemned to swing that
> hammer and break those rocks in the midst of a
> stinging sand storm under
> a blazing hot sun for eternity. "No, I couldn't
> possibly stand such
> constant, unbearable agony! my back would break!"
> cried George.
>
> And so it came to pass that the very sly and
> purposeful devil brought
> George to confront his third and final option. Very
> much to his surprise,
> George saw good ol' Bill Clinton! He was staked to
> the ground,
> spread-eagled, and naked! Kneeling over him was
> Monica Lewinsky, her head
> bobbing, up 'n down, up 'n down, doing what she'd
> become famous for.
> George looked at this scene in stunned disbelief for
> a moment. Finally,
> he turned to the devil, and in mock resignation
> said, "Yeah, I think
> maybe I could handle this."
>
> The devil, flashing a devilish grin, turned and
> said, "Okay Monica,
> you're free to go!"

[TEAL]

A husband is at home watching a basketball game when his wife interrupts.

"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

He replied "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says. "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says, "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to Padi's Point and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"

She says, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He says "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replies, "Hellooooooo! . . . do you see Goldilock's written on my forehead?"

[zero]

Actual School Absence Excuse Letters:

These are excuse notes from parents (including
original spelling)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not
take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on
Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was
playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she
has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were
crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go
christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school
yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch,
and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We
have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under
the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she
had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There
must be something going around,
her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in
school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

[TEAL]

Li’l Johny : which body part

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."

[eyescube]

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: I would Like
to buy a pink curtain in size of my computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies: But, madam, computers do not have curtains....
And blonde said:
Helloooooo..... I have Windows!!!!!!!!


----------------------------
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
the
young
MBA fresh out of MIT, "what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $130,000 a year, depending
on
the
benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 6-weeks
vacation,
13 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement
fund
to
50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red
Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, but you started it."

***********************************************

A country lad comes to the big city. He sits down at the bar
and sees a real beauty sitting at the other end. He tells the
bartender to get a drink for her.

"Don't bother dude, she's a lesbian."

"I don't care!" says the lad, "Gimme the d rink and I'll take it
over myself..."

So the lad slides up and sits down next to the lady and
says....

"So babe, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

[TEAL]

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.