[Merged] Just for Laughs

**artpogi** · July 24th, 2003 05:27 PM

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

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Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

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Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

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Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

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Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

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Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

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Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

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Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

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Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

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Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

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Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

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Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

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Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

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Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

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Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

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Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."

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Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

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Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

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Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

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Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

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Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

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Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

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The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

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Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."

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Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

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Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."

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Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

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Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

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Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

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Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

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Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

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Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

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Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

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Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

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Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

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Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

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Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

**ephraim** · July 25th, 2003 07:32 PM

Which lane are you?

**kimpOy** · August 6th, 2003 02:35 PM

Some English words with new Filipino meaning added to Webster's Dictionary>
> 1. contemplate - kulang ang pinggan>
2. punctuation - pera para maka-enroll
> 3. ice buko - is my hair o.k.?
> 4. tenacious - footwear for tennis
> 5. calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
> 6. devastation - sakayan ng bus
> 7. protestant - tindahan ng prutas
> 8. statue - ikaw ba yan?
> 9. predicate - pakawalan mo ang pusa
> 10. dedicate - pinatay ang pusa
> 11. aspeck - pandurog ng yelo
> 12. deduct - ang pato
> 13. defeat - ang paa (ng pato?)
> 14. detail - ang buntot (ng pato?)
> 15. deposit - gripo ( call diploma if deposit is leaking.)
> 16. city - bago mag-otso
> 17. cattle - kung saan nakatira ang hali at leyna
> 18. persuading - unang kasal
> 19. depress - ang nagkasal sa persuading
> 20. shampoo - bago mag labing-isa
> 21. profit - patunayan mo
> 22. beehive - magtino ka
> 23. CD ROM - tingnan mo ang kuwarto
> 24. debug - and ipis
> 25. july - nagsinungaling ka ba?

**kevinp** · August 6th, 2003 04:39 PM

bwahahaha! TENACIOUS! hahaha!

**kevinp** · August 6th, 2003 04:46 PM

Blonde Driving

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

**kevinp** · August 6th, 2003 04:50 PM

Baked beans and their delightful tune

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

**kevinp** · August 6th, 2003 05:04 PM

Hilarious Signs

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**jesi** · August 6th, 2003 06:19 PM

This might be old but I just got it from the e-mail.

>>Don't know if it's really true, but the telling is great.
>
>
>
>>---
>> Black Robbers - a true story
>>
>>
>> For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a
>>true story...)
>>
>> On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
>>quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with
>>her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the
>>quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her
>>husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
>>
>> As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
>> already aboard. Both were black.
>>
>> One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure.
>>
>> The woman froze.
>>
>> Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next
>> thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.
>>But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and
>>stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped
>>they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was
>>thinking!!!
>>
>> Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious
>>now.
>>
>> Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty
>>effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with
>>the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned
>>around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
>>
>> A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear
>>increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she
>>thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted.
>>Perspiration poured from every pore.
>>
>> Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do
>> what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out
>>her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down
>>on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.
>>
>> More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if
>>you'll just tell us what floor you're going to,
>> we 'll push the button."
>>
>> The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He
>> was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head
>>and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused,
>>she struggled to her feet.
>>
>> "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized
>>one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't
>>mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It
>>was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
>>
>> The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was
>>humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed
>>her.
>>
>> How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for
>> behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to
>>say.
>>
>> The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
>> bucket.
>>
>> When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her
>>to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid
>>she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good
>>evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
>>laughter as they walked back to the elevator.
>>
>> The woman brushed herself off.
>>
>> She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her
>>husband.
>>
>> The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
>>
>> Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.
>> The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
>>
>> It was signed;
>> Eddie Murphy
>> Michael Jordan
>>

**kinyo** · August 10th, 2003 10:23 PM

Balance

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?".

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant."

"I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts."

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a group of islands and said, "What are those?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the Philippines, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and forests. The people from the Philippines are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as carriers of peace and love."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in the government."

**V-dub*chic** · August 11th, 2003 12:37 AM

An American and an Italian were seated next to a Filipino on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the American bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious pancakes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Filipino remained silent, the American smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."