[Merged] Just for Laughs

[funkngruvn]

What would you say?


A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.


Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"


Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".


Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.



However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?"

[Eismann]

PC SUPPORT email

Dear Tech Support Team:
>
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
>I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
>childlike-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
>In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
>monitors all other system activities.
>
>Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies
>7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever
>selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
>attempting to run my favorite applications.
>I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall'
>doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
>
>Please help!
>
>Thanks,
>
>"A Troubled User"
>
>
>
>REPLY:
>
>Dear Troubled User:
>
>This is a very common problem that people complain about.
>Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
>is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
>Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
>EVERYTHING!! !
>It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
>5.0.
>It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the
>system once installed.
>
>You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not
>to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-
>Child Support) .
>I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
>environment.
>I suggest installing the background application YesDear 4.6 to
>alleviate software augmentation.
>
>The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
>ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
>system will return to normal anyway.
>
>Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
>Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep
>3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use
>these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the
>program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the
>performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend
>Shopping 2.1 and Jewellry 5.0
>
>STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
>SecretaryWithShortS kirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife
>1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

[funkngruvn]

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black -- were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here ?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here ?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what a re they going to do to you ?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh ?"
"No," said the black lab, "I'm just here to get my nails clipped."



:fetch1:

[hubertq34]

eto naman tungkol sa agrikultura

mais ang puno sa isang bukirin na itinanim ni mining na kapitbahay ni aling puring na nagbebenta ng banana-q sa ilalam ng tulay na tambayan ng pulis na kinagat ng aso na sinipa ni pedro sa may gilid ng riles.

ang tanong... ano ni puring ang pulis?



eh di tambay sa tindahan ni puring... ring ring ring

eto ang dapat para sa akin

[yourock]

[SIZE=2]This has been around for sometime but I just thought I'd share it. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] **[/SIZE][SIZE=2]YOU HARDEN THERE!* *
*
[/SIZE][SIZE=2]There was this Pinay named Maria who was born and raised in
Olongapo City . She met her husband, John while he was stationed at Subic Bay,US Naval Base. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]Maria doesn't have an excellent command of the English language,
but she and John manage to communicate. One day, Maria decided to cook a big dinner for John, so she called John up at work and told him to come home straight from work. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John and his co-workers had been working long hours trying to
finish up a project their admiral had assigned weeks ago, so they were excited to finally finish it. They decided to go to [/SIZE][SIZE=2]the ship' S chow hall to celebrate. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]When John came home around midnight, he realized he forgot about
the dinner that Maria had made for him. As Maria came out of the kitchen, John began to explain. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John: "Honey, I'm really sorry. The guys decided to celebrate a littlebit, so we ended up eating at the ship."

Maria: " Ah, like ! That, ha? I cook the house for you, you eat the ship! " **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John: "Honey, I'm really sorry."* *

Maria: " Ahh! Don't sorry to me! From now, you do your do, I do my
do! You harden there! "** **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]Maria's Tagalog translation Ah, ganon ha? Pinagluto Kita dito sa bahay, kumain ka naman sa barko! Mula ngayon, gawin MO ang gusto mong gawin, gagawin ko ang gusto Kong gawin! MANIGAS KA DIYAN! **

This is Maria's story. If you didn't find it as funny, oh well... [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]** YOU HARDEN THERE!**[/SIZE]

[outmap]

Anak: Itay, ano po ba ‘yung ***?

Itay: ‘Yun bang romansa namin ni Inay mo sa gabi na tumitirik ang mga mata namin sa sarap…

Anak: Itay naman! Hindi ‘yan kasya sa biodata.

[VtEC]

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at
Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning
The floor as a
Test. "You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail
Address and I'll
Send you the application to fill in, as well as the
Date When you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a
Computer, nor an email."
"I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you
Don't have an email, that
Means you do not exist. And who doesn't
Exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He
Didn't know what to do, with
Only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to
Go to the supermarket and buy
A 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the
Tomatoes in a door-to-door round.
In less than two hours, he succeeded
To double his capital. He repeated
The operation three times, and
Returned home with $60. The man realized
That he can survive by this
Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and
Return late. Thus, his Money doubled or
Tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a
Truck, and then he had his own fleet of
Delivery vehicles. 5 years later,
The man is one of the biggest food
Retailers in the US. He started to
Plan his family's future,
And decided to have a life insurance. He
Called an insurance broker, and
Chose a protection plan. When the
Conversation was concluded,
The broker asked him his email.

The man Replied, "I don't have an email."
The broker answered curiously, "You
Don't have an email, and yet
Have succeeded to build an empire. Can you
Imagine what you could Have been if you had an email?!!"

The man Thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy [SIZE=3]At Microsoft!"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=3][SIZE=2]Moral of the story [/SIZE][/SIZE][SIZE=3]

1. Internet / email is not the solution to your life.
2. If you don't have Internet / email and
Work hard, you can be a Millionaire.
3. If you received this Message by email, you are probably already an Office boy/girl, and not any close to being a millionaire...

Have a great day!!! ala ng kokontra pa, joke nga lang e

[/SIZE]

[j_avonni]

[SIZE=2]This has been around for sometime but I just thought I'd share it. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] **[/SIZE][SIZE=2]YOU HARDEN THERE!* *
*
[/SIZE][SIZE=2]There was this Pinay named Maria who was born and raised in
Olongapo City . She met her husband, John while he was stationed at Subic Bay,US Naval Base. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]Maria doesn't have an excellent command of the English language,
but she and John manage to communicate. One day, Maria decided to cook a big dinner for John, so she called John up at work and told him to come home straight from work. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John and his co-workers had been working long hours trying to
finish up a project their admiral had assigned weeks ago, so they were excited to finally finish it. They decided to go to [/SIZE][SIZE=2]the ship' S chow hall to celebrate. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]When John came home around midnight, he realized he forgot about
the dinner that Maria had made for him. As Maria came out of the kitchen, John began to explain. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John: "Honey, I'm really sorry. The guys decided to celebrate a littlebit, so we ended up eating at the ship."

Maria: " Ah, like ! That, ha? I cook the house for you, you eat the ship! " **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John: "Honey, I'm really sorry."* *

Maria: " Ahh! Don't sorry to me! From now, you do your do, I do my
do! You harden there! "** **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]Maria's Tagalog translation Ah, ganon ha? Pinagluto Kita dito sa bahay, kumain ka naman sa barko! Mula ngayon, gawin MO ang gusto mong gawin, gagawin ko ang gusto Kong gawin! MANIGAS KA DIYAN! **

This is Maria's story. If you didn't find it as funny, oh well... [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]** YOU HARDEN THERE!**[/SIZE]

YOU HARDEN THERE TOO!


:beer: [SIZE="1"]3208[/SIZE]

[knight23]

Dahil sa tindi ng kahirapan sa probinsya,
namasukan si Inday bilang
katulong sa Maynila. Habang ini-interview ng
amo...

Amo: Kelangan namin ng katulong para mag ayos
ng bahay, magluto,
maglaba, magplantsa, mamalengke, at magbantay
ng mga bata. Kaya mo ba
ang lahat ng ito?

Inday: I believe that my trained skills and expertise
in management with
the use of standard tools, and my discipline and
experience will
contribute significantly to the value of the work
that you want, my
creativity, productivity and work-efficiency and the
high quality of
outcomes I can offer will boost the work progress.

Amo: [nosebleed]


Nakaraan ang dalawang araw, umuwi ang amo,
nakitang me bukol si junior.


Amo: Bakit me bukol si junior?

Inday: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics,
the not-so-well
engineered architectural design of our kitchen
lavatory affected the
boy's cranium with a slight boil at the left temple
near the auditory
organ.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]


Kinagabihan, habang naghahapunan.

Amo: Bakit maalat ang ulam?

Inday: The consistency was fine. But you see, it
seems that the
increased amount of sodium chloride (NaCl)
affected the taste
drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do
apologize.

Amo: [nosebleed na naman]

Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko, nadadatnan kitang
nanunuod ng tv?!

Inday: Because I don't want you to see me doing
absolutely nothing.

Donya: [hinimatay]


Kinabukasan, sinamahan ni Inday si junior sa
principal's office dahil di
makapunta ang amo at donya.

Principal: Sinuntok ni junior ang kanyang kaklase.

Inday: It's absurd! It was never a fact that he will
inflict a fight. I
can only imagine how you handle schizophrenic
kids on this educational
institution. Revise your policies because they suck!

Principal: [nag resign]


Pag dating sa bahay, nandun na ang amo, galit na
galit.

Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng
bahay?!

Inday: A change in the weather patterns might have
occurred wrecking
havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are
scattered indicates
that the gust of wind was going northeast causing
damage to the path it
was heading for.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]


Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan, malikot si
junior.

Inday: Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to
result in property
damages and if that happens there will be
corresponding punishment to be
inflicted upon you!

Junior: [takbo sa CR, punasan ang nagdudugong
ilong]


Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si Inday.
Nabalitaan nya umalis si
Angel Locsin sa GMA 7.

Junior: Bakit kaya sya umalis?

Inday: Sometimes, people choose to leave not
because of selfish reasons
but because they just know that things will get
worse if they'll stay.
Leaving can be a tough act, and it's harder when
people can't understand
you for doing so.

Junior: [tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]


Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday. Si Dodong,
ang driver ng
kapitbahay, gusto maki pag text-mate.

Inday: To forestall further hopes of acquaintance,
my unfathomable
statement to the denial of your request - Petition
denied.


Di nagla-on, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong, nagging
syota nya rin si Inday.
Pero di tumagal ang kanilang relasyon, at nakipag-
break si Inday ke
Dodong.

Inday: The statute restricts me to love you but you
have the
provocations.
The way you smile is the proximate cause why I
love you. We have some
rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love
each other because
the upper household dismissed my petition!"

Dodong: Perhaps you are mistaken, what you seem
to contrive as any
affections for you are somewhat half-hearted. I
was merely attempting to
expand my network of interests by involving you in
my daily recreation.
Heretofor, you can expect an end to any verbal
articulation from myself"


Me dumaan na mamang basurero, at narinig ang
usapan ni Inday at Dodong.

Basurero (sabi ke Inday): Be careful in letting go of
the things you
thought are just nothing because maybe someday
you'll realize that the
one you gave away is the very thing you've been
wishing for to stay.

Narinig ang lahat ng eto ng amo ni inday.

Amo: [nagpakamatay]

[1D4LV]

There was this patient who visited a doctor one day.

"Doctor, can you help me?", the patient asked the doctor. "I have this ailment in which i silently fart uncontrollably. This morning while i was waiting for the bus, i did it lots of times, when i was in a meeting earlier, i did it lots of times. Just this minute, I am also feeling that i am passing silent gas again."

"I know.", said the doctor. "But first, i need to refer you first to an ear specialist...."