[Merged] Just for Laughs

[funkngruvn]

What would you say?


A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.


Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"


Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".


Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.



However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?"

[Eismann]

PC SUPPORT email

Dear Tech Support Team:
>
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
>I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
>childlike-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
>In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
>monitors all other system activities.
>
>Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies
>7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever
>selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
>attempting to run my favorite applications.
>I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall'
>doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
>
>Please help!
>
>Thanks,
>
>"A Troubled User"
>
>
>
>REPLY:
>
>Dear Troubled User:
>
>This is a very common problem that people complain about.
>Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
>is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
>Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
>EVERYTHING!! !
>It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
>5.0.
>It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the
>system once installed.
>
>You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not
>to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-
>Child Support) .
>I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
>environment.
>I suggest installing the background application YesDear 4.6 to
>alleviate software augmentation.
>
>The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
>ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
>system will return to normal anyway.
>
>Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
>Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep
>3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use
>these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the
>program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the
>performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend
>Shopping 2.1 and Jewellry 5.0
>
>STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
>SecretaryWithShortS kirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife
>1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

[funkngruvn]

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black -- were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here ?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here ?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what a re they going to do to you ?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh ?"
"No," said the black lab, "I'm just here to get my nails clipped."



:fetch1:

[hubertq34]

eto naman tungkol sa agrikultura

mais ang puno sa isang bukirin na itinanim ni mining na kapitbahay ni aling puring na nagbebenta ng banana-q sa ilalam ng tulay na tambayan ng pulis na kinagat ng aso na sinipa ni pedro sa may gilid ng riles.

ang tanong... ano ni puring ang pulis?



eh di tambay sa tindahan ni puring... ring ring ring

eto ang dapat para sa akin

[yourock]

[SIZE=2]This has been around for sometime but I just thought I'd share it. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] **[/SIZE][SIZE=2]YOU HARDEN THERE!* *
*
[/SIZE][SIZE=2]There was this Pinay named Maria who was born and raised in
Olongapo City . She met her husband, John while he was stationed at Subic Bay,US Naval Base. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]Maria doesn't have an excellent command of the English language,
but she and John manage to communicate. One day, Maria decided to cook a big dinner for John, so she called John up at work and told him to come home straight from work. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John and his co-workers had been working long hours trying to
finish up a project their admiral had assigned weeks ago, so they were excited to finally finish it. They decided to go to [/SIZE][SIZE=2]the ship' S chow hall to celebrate. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]When John came home around midnight, he realized he forgot about
the dinner that Maria had made for him. As Maria came out of the kitchen, John began to explain. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John: "Honey, I'm really sorry. The guys decided to celebrate a littlebit, so we ended up eating at the ship."

Maria: " Ah, like ! That, ha? I cook the house for you, you eat the ship! " **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John: "Honey, I'm really sorry."* *

Maria: " Ahh! Don't sorry to me! From now, you do your do, I do my
do! You harden there! "** **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]Maria's Tagalog translation Ah, ganon ha? Pinagluto Kita dito sa bahay, kumain ka naman sa barko! Mula ngayon, gawin MO ang gusto mong gawin, gagawin ko ang gusto Kong gawin! MANIGAS KA DIYAN! **

This is Maria's story. If you didn't find it as funny, oh well... [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]** YOU HARDEN THERE!**[/SIZE]

[outmap]

Anak: Itay, ano po ba ‘yung ***?

Itay: ‘Yun bang romansa namin ni Inay mo sa gabi na tumitirik ang mga mata namin sa sarap…

Anak: Itay naman! Hindi ‘yan kasya sa biodata.

[VtEC]

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at
Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning
The floor as a
Test. "You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail
Address and I'll
Send you the application to fill in, as well as the
Date When you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a
Computer, nor an email."
"I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you
Don't have an email, that
Means you do not exist. And who doesn't
Exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He
Didn't know what to do, with
Only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to
Go to the supermarket and buy
A 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the
Tomatoes in a door-to-door round.
In less than two hours, he succeeded
To double his capital. He repeated
The operation three times, and
Returned home with $60. The man realized
That he can survive by this
Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and
Return late. Thus, his Money doubled or
Tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a
Truck, and then he had his own fleet of
Delivery vehicles. 5 years later,
The man is one of the biggest food
Retailers in the US. He started to
Plan his family's future,
And decided to have a life insurance. He
Called an insurance broker, and
Chose a protection plan. When the
Conversation was concluded,
The broker asked him his email.

The man Replied, "I don't have an email."
The broker answered curiously, "You
Don't have an email, and yet
Have succeeded to build an empire. Can you
Imagine what you could Have been if you had an email?!!"

The man Thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy [SIZE=3]At Microsoft!"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=3][SIZE=2]Moral of the story [/SIZE][/SIZE][SIZE=3]

1. Internet / email is not the solution to your life.
2. If you don't have Internet / email and
Work hard, you can be a Millionaire.
3. If you received this Message by email, you are probably already an Office boy/girl, and not any close to being a millionaire...

Have a great day!!! ala ng kokontra pa, joke nga lang e

[/SIZE]

[j_avonni]

[SIZE=2]This has been around for sometime but I just thought I'd share it. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] **[/SIZE][SIZE=2]YOU HARDEN THERE!* *
*
[/SIZE][SIZE=2]There was this Pinay named Maria who was born and raised in
Olongapo City . She met her husband, John while he was stationed at Subic Bay,US Naval Base. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]Maria doesn't have an excellent command of the English language,
but she and John manage to communicate. One day, Maria decided to cook a big dinner for John, so she called John up at work and told him to come home straight from work. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John and his co-workers had been working long hours trying to
finish up a project their admiral had assigned weeks ago, so they were excited to finally finish it. They decided to go to [/SIZE][SIZE=2]the ship' S chow hall to celebrate. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]When John came home around midnight, he realized he forgot about
the dinner that Maria had made for him. As Maria came out of the kitchen, John began to explain. **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John: "Honey, I'm really sorry. The guys decided to celebrate a littlebit, so we ended up eating at the ship."

Maria: " Ah, like ! That, ha? I cook the house for you, you eat the ship! " **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]John: "Honey, I'm really sorry."* *

Maria: " Ahh! Don't sorry to me! From now, you do your do, I do my
do! You harden there! "** **

[/SIZE][SIZE=2]Maria's Tagalog translation Ah, ganon ha? Pinagluto Kita dito sa bahay, kumain ka naman sa barko! Mula ngayon, gawin MO ang gusto mong gawin, gagawin ko ang gusto Kong gawin! MANIGAS KA DIYAN! **

This is Maria's story. If you didn't find it as funny, oh well... [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]** YOU HARDEN THERE!**[/SIZE]

YOU HARDEN THERE TOO!


:beer: [SIZE="1"]3208[/SIZE]

[knight23]

Dahil sa tindi ng kahirapan sa probinsya,
namasukan si Inday bilang
katulong sa Maynila. Habang ini-interview ng
amo...

Amo: Kelangan namin ng katulong para mag ayos
ng bahay, magluto,
maglaba, magplantsa, mamalengke, at magbantay
ng mga bata. Kaya mo ba
ang lahat ng ito?

Inday: I believe that my trained skills and expertise
in management with
the use of standard tools, and my discipline and
experience will
contribute significantly to the value of the work
that you want, my
creativity, productivity and work-efficiency and the
high quality of
outcomes I can offer will boost the work progress.

Amo: [nosebleed]


Nakaraan ang dalawang araw, umuwi ang amo,
nakitang me bukol si junior.


Amo: Bakit me bukol si junior?

Inday: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics,
the not-so-well
engineered architectural design of our kitchen
lavatory affected the
boy's cranium with a slight boil at the left temple
near the auditory
organ.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]


Kinagabihan, habang naghahapunan.

Amo: Bakit maalat ang ulam?

Inday: The consistency was fine. But you see, it
seems that the
increased amount of sodium chloride (NaCl)
affected the taste
drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do
apologize.

Amo: [nosebleed na naman]

Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko, nadadatnan kitang
nanunuod ng tv?!

Inday: Because I don't want you to see me doing
absolutely nothing.

Donya: [hinimatay]


Kinabukasan, sinamahan ni Inday si junior sa
principal's office dahil di
makapunta ang amo at donya.

Principal: Sinuntok ni junior ang kanyang kaklase.

Inday: It's absurd! It was never a fact that he will
inflict a fight. I
can only imagine how you handle schizophrenic
kids on this educational
institution. Revise your policies because they suck!

Principal: [nag resign]


Pag dating sa bahay, nandun na ang amo, galit na
galit.

Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng
bahay?!

Inday: A change in the weather patterns might have
occurred wrecking
havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are
scattered indicates
that the gust of wind was going northeast causing
damage to the path it
was heading for.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]


Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan, malikot si
junior.

Inday: Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to
result in property
damages and if that happens there will be
corresponding punishment to be
inflicted upon you!

Junior: [takbo sa CR, punasan ang nagdudugong
ilong]


Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si Inday.
Nabalitaan nya umalis si
Angel Locsin sa GMA 7.

Junior: Bakit kaya sya umalis?

Inday: Sometimes, people choose to leave not
because of selfish reasons
but because they just know that things will get
worse if they'll stay.
Leaving can be a tough act, and it's harder when
people can't understand
you for doing so.

Junior: [tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]


Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday. Si Dodong,
ang driver ng
kapitbahay, gusto maki pag text-mate.

Inday: To forestall further hopes of acquaintance,
my unfathomable
statement to the denial of your request - Petition
denied.


Di nagla-on, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong, nagging
syota nya rin si Inday.
Pero di tumagal ang kanilang relasyon, at nakipag-
break si Inday ke
Dodong.

Inday: The statute restricts me to love you but you
have the
provocations.
The way you smile is the proximate cause why I
love you. We have some
rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love
each other because
the upper household dismissed my petition!"

Dodong: Perhaps you are mistaken, what you seem
to contrive as any
affections for you are somewhat half-hearted. I
was merely attempting to
expand my network of interests by involving you in
my daily recreation.
Heretofor, you can expect an end to any verbal
articulation from myself"


Me dumaan na mamang basurero, at narinig ang
usapan ni Inday at Dodong.

Basurero (sabi ke Inday): Be careful in letting go of
the things you
thought are just nothing because maybe someday
you'll realize that the
one you gave away is the very thing you've been
wishing for to stay.

Narinig ang lahat ng eto ng amo ni inday.

Amo: [nagpakamatay]

[1D4LV]

There was this patient who visited a doctor one day.

"Doctor, can you help me?", the patient asked the doctor. "I have this ailment in which i silently fart uncontrollably. This morning while i was waiting for the bus, i did it lots of times, when i was in a meeting earlier, i did it lots of times. Just this minute, I am also feeling that i am passing silent gas again."

"I know.", said the doctor. "But first, i need to refer you first to an ear specialist...."

[red07]

Doctor Dave


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:


"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."




But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:


"Dave..... Dave..... Dave, you sick bastard You're a vet."



:rofl:

Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!! ayos to!!!

[dbuzz]

There was this patient who visited a doctor one day.

"Doctor, can you help me?", the patient asked the doctor. "I have this ailment in which i silently fart uncontrollably. This morning while i was waiting for the bus, i did it lots of times, when i was in a meeting earlier, i did it lots of times. Just this minute, I am also feeling that i am passing silent gas again."

"I know.", said the doctor. "But first, i need to refer you first to an ear specialist...."

may deprensya nga tenga...abay...sya lang pala ang di naka dinig..may pa silient-silent fart pa...lol.

[sea.piper]

[SIZE=2]3 wishes

The beautiful secretary of a bank goes on a sight seing tour with a very rich African King who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue as her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, She rememberswhat her boss told her… Don't reject the guy outright.So, she tries to think of a way to disuade the king from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man. I will marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat of diamond tiara.
The African King pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says. No problem. I have. I have.
Realizing her first condition was to easy the woman says to the man. I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in London. As a vacation home. I want a chateau build in the middle of the best wine country in France.
The African King pauses for a while.He wips out his cellular phone & calls some broker in New York and in France. He looks at the woman. Nods his head and say. Okay, Okay. I build. I build.
Realizing that she has only one last condition. The secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think & finally she gets an Idea. A sure to work condition. She squints her eyes. Looks at the man and says, rather coldly. "Since I like ***, I want the man I marry to have a 14 inches.
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rest his elbows on the table. All the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, Okay, Okay. I cut. I cut.
[/SIZE]

[JiggeR671]

funny ebay item description

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll...54868323&ru=ht


http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll...m=130144061675

[funkngruvn]

[SIZE=3]Attorneys[/SIZE]
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you ***ually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[higher]

Very funny and sooo true. This really sheds light on both American and Filipino cultures. As I recall when I was a kid

American Kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their
parents.
Filipino Kids: Move out when they're 28, may have saved for that nice house and are a week away from getting married .... unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.

American Kids: When their Mom visits them she brings a nice bundt cake and you sip coffee and chat.
Filipino Kids: When their Mom or Dad visits them she or he brings 3 days worth of food, and immediately begins to tidy up, dust & do the laundry.

American Kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them and its usually only on special occasions.
Filipino Kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads come over, unannounced on a Saturday morning at 8:00 and starts pruning the peach & lemon trees. And if there are none, he will plant some!

American Parents: You can leave your kids with them and you always worry if everything is going to be ok plus you have to feed them after you pick them up.
Filipino Parents: No problem, leave your kids there and if they get out of line your parents can set them straight .... plus they get bathed, fed and get told stories of when you were young.

American Kids: Always pay retail and look in the yellow pages when they need something done.
Filipino Kids: Just call their dad or uncle and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done cash deal.

American Kids: Will come over to visit their parents and get only cake and coffee, no more.
Filipino Kids: Will come over to visit their parents for lunch and get B-B-Q, Pancit, Lumpia, Adobo and Rice and stay for late dinner as well.

American Kids: Think that being Filipino is a great thing,
Filipino Kids: Know that being Filipino is a great thing,

American Kids: Never ask the reason you have no food.
Filipino Kids: Are the reason you have no food.

American Kids: Will say 'hello" but are hesitant to hug.
Filipino Kids: Will give you a big hug and a kiss, and great big hand shake and pat you on the back.

American Kids: Hardly invite over to eat or they have to share their portion.
Filipino Kids: You always have your friends over to have something to eat regardless

American Kids: all your parents Mr. and Mrs.
Filipino Kids: Call your parents Uncle & Auntie.

American Kids: Have never seen you cry.
Filipino Kids: Cry with you.

American Kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
Filipino Kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.

American Kids: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
Filipino Kids: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

American Kids: Know a few things about you.
Filipino Kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

American Kids: Will leave their parents behind.
Filipino Kids: Will hang out with their parents.

American Kids: Would knock on your door.
Filipino Kids: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

American Kids: Are for a while.
Filipino Kids: Are for life.

[kimpOy]

Frat meeting...
Leader: Pare balita ko bading ka daw, totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa
sa
mga chenilyn nila... chura nila! hmp!

Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!

A Husband came home 4AM and saw his wife in bed with another man His
wife
shouted at him, "Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?!?"
Wife: "Grabe ka! Dont change the topic!!"

[funkngruvn]

25 REASONS MEN ARE HAPPIER

This is why men are happier:

1- Your last name stays put.

2- The garage is all yours.

3- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4- Chocolate is just another snack.

5- You can never be pregnant.

6- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

7- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

8- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental- $100.

9- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

10- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. (lol)

11- One mood all the time.

12- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

13- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

14- You can open all your own jars.

15- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

16- Your underwear is just $9.95 for a three-pack.

17- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (sometimes 2)

18- Everything on your face stays its original color.

19- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

20. You only have to shave your face and neck. (This is not true)

21- One color for all seasons.

22- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

23- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

24- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

25- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[radiazone]

Ang lupet ni inday

Dahil sa tindi ng kahirapan sa
probinsya, namasukan si
Inday bilang katulong sa Maynila.
Habang ini-interview
ng amo…

Amo: Kelangan namin ng katulong para
mag ayos ng
bahay, magluto, maglaba, magplantsa,
mamalengke, at
magbantay ng mga bata. Kaya mo ba ang
lahat ng ito?

Inday: I believe that my trained
skills and expertise
in management with the use of standard
tools, and my
discipline and experience will
contribute
significantly to the value of the work
that you want,
my creativity, productivity and work-
efficiency and
the high quality of outcomes I can
offer will boost
the work progress.

Amo: [nosebleed]

Nakaraan ang dalawang araw, umuwi ang
amo, nakitang me
bukol si junior.

Amo: Bakit me bukol si junior?

Inday: Compromising safety with
useless aesthetics,
the not-so-well engineered
architectural design of our
kitchen lavatory affected the boy's
cranium with a
slight boil at the left temple near
the auditory
organ.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Kinagabihan, habang naghahapunan.

Amo: Bakit maalat ang ulam?

Inday: The consistency was fine. But
you see, it seems
that the increased amount of sodium
chloride (NaCl)
affected the taste drastically and
those actions are
irreversible. I do apologize.

Amo: [nosebleed na naman]

Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko,
nadadatnan kitang
nanunuod ng tv?!

Inday: Because I don't want you to see
me doing
absolutely nothing.

Donya: [hinimatay]

Kinabukasan, sinamahan ni Inday si
junior sa
principal's office dahil di makapunta
ang amo at
donya.

Principal: Sinuntok ni junior ang
kanyang kaklase.

Inday: It's absurd! It was never a
fact that he will
inflict a fight. I can only imagine
how you handle
schizophrenic kids on this educational
institution.
Revise your policies because they suck!

Principal: [nag resign]

Pag dating sa bahay, nandun na ang
amo, galit na
galit.

Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura
sa likod ng
bahay?!

Inday: A change in the weather
patterns might have
occurred wrecking havoc to the
surroundings. The way
the debris are scattered indicates
that the gust of
wind was going northeast causing
damage to the path it
was heading for.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan,
malikot si
junior.

Inday: Stop your raucous behavior. It
is bound to
result in property damages and if that
happens there
will be corresponding punishment to be
inflicted upon
you!

Junior: [takbo sa CR, punasan ang
nagdudugong ilong]

Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si
Inday.
Nabalitaan nya umalis si Angel Locsin
sa GMA 7.

Junior: Bakit kaya sya umalis?

Inday: Sometimes, people choose to
leave not because
of selfish reasons but because they
just know that
things will get worse if they'll stay.
Leaving can be
a tough act, and it's harder when
people can't
understand you for doing so.

Junior: [tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]

Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday.
Si Dodong, ang
driver ng kapitbahay, gusto maki pag
text-mate.

Inday: To forestall further hopes of
acquaintance, my
unfathomable statement to the denial
of your request -
Petition denied.

Di nagla-on, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong,
nagging syota
nya rin si Inday. Pero di tumagal ang
kanilang
relasyon, at nakipag-break si Inday ke
Dodong.

Inday: The statute restricts me to
love you but you
have the provocations. The way you
smile is the
proximate cause why I love you. We
have some rules to
think of. We have no vested rights to
love each other
because the upper household dismissed
my petition!"

Dodong: Perhaps you are mistaken, what
you seem to
contrive as any affections for you are
somewhat
half-hearted. I was merely attempting
to expand my
network of interests by involving you
in my daily
recreation. Heretofor, you can expect
an end to any
verbal articulation from myself"

Me dumaan na mamang basurero, at
narinig ang usapan ni
Inday at Dodong.

Basurero (sabi ke Inday): Be careful
in letting go of
the things you thought are just
nothing because maybe
someday you'll realize that the one
you gave away is
the very thing you've been wishing for
to stay.

Narinig ang lahat ng eto ng amo ni
inday.

Amo: [nagpakamatay]

O SYA, TAMA NA YAN AT PUNASAN MO NA
ANG IYONG NOSEBLEED.

[Taurus]

When I was browsing the PIZZA thread, and went on the pizza trivia. . . this item got me laughing at the edge of my seat

The FBI and Pizza

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Agent: Click!



:hihihi: