[Merged] Just for Laughs

**Horsepower** · August 28th, 2007 07:34 PM

Nahilo ako sa sinabi nya ah. Para syang high or something. ehehe

ganda pa naman

**VtEC** · August 28th, 2007 11:57 PM

Maasikasong Asawa, Bow

Dalawang linggo na ang nakalipas mula nang ikasal sina Gino at Karen.
Kahit mahal na mahal ni Gino ang kanyang misis, nasasabik din siyang
makipag-inuman sa kanyang mga kumpare.
Isang gabi, nagpaalam si Gino kay Karen,
"Honey, aalis ako ha, babalik kaagad ako..."
"Sweetheart, saan ka pupunta?" tanong ni Karen.
"Sa bar, cutiepie, iinom lang ako ng beer." saad ni Gino.
"Gusto mo ng beer, love? Eto..." hirit ni Karen
sabay bukas ng refrigerator at ipinakita ang
25 na iba't ibang klase ng beer na puro imported.
Hindi malaman ni Gino kung ano ang gagawin.
Ang sabi na lang niya,
"Oo, cutiepie, pero doon sa bar... alam mo na... yung malamig na
glass..."
Hindi pa tapos magsalita si Gino, eh, buong lambing na nagsalita na si
Karen,"Gusto mong malamig na glass, sweetheart? Eto..."
Binuksan ni Karen ang freezer at naglabas s'ya ng isang malaki at malamig
na glass, sobrang lamig at nangangatog pa siya sa pagkakahawak.
Medyo namumutla na si Gino, na ang nasabi eh,
"Oo nga cutie pie, Pero sa bar ang daming masasarap na pulutan...
sandaling-sandali lang ako talaga. Babalik kaagad ako, okey?"
"Gusto mo ng pulutan, sweetheart?" malambing pa ring usisa ni Karen, na
binuksan ang oven at naglabas ng iba-ibang klase ng pulutan-sisig, chicken
wings, chicharong bulaklak, crispy pata, inihaw na bangus, camaron rebosado,hotdog with onion, kaldereta at iba pa.
"Pero cutie pie... sa bar... you know, merong konting biruan, bolahan,
murahan... you know..." alumpihit na sabi ni Gino.
Hindi na nakapagpigil si Karen,
"Gusto mo ng murahan sweetheart? ....
... TANG*NA MO PALA EH!
HETO, INUMIN MO ITONG P*TANG INANG BEER MO SA MALAMIG NA BWAKANAN NG INANG BASO NA ITO, AT KAININ MO 'YANG P*KI NANG INANG PULUTAN NA 'YAN DAHIL HINDI KA LALABAS NG BAHAY!ULOL!'TANG INANG 'TO"

**b1rken5tock** · August 29th, 2007 03:37 AM

Originally Posted by VtEC

Maasikasong Asawa, Bow

Dalawang linggo na ang nakalipas mula nang ikasal sina Gino at Karen.
Kahit mahal na mahal ni Gino ang kanyang misis, nasasabik din siyang
makipag-inuman sa kanyang mga kumpare.
Isang gabi, nagpaalam si Gino kay Karen,
"Honey, aalis ako ha, babalik kaagad ako..."
"Sweetheart, saan ka pupunta?" tanong ni Karen.
"Sa bar, cutiepie, iinom lang ako ng beer." saad ni Gino.
"Gusto mo ng beer, love? Eto..." hirit ni Karen
sabay bukas ng refrigerator at ipinakita ang
25 na iba't ibang klase ng beer na puro imported.
Hindi malaman ni Gino kung ano ang gagawin.
Ang sabi na lang niya,
"Oo, cutiepie, pero doon sa bar... alam mo na... yung malamig na
glass..."
Hindi pa tapos magsalita si Gino, eh, buong lambing na nagsalita na si
Karen,"Gusto mong malamig na glass, sweetheart? Eto..."
Binuksan ni Karen ang freezer at naglabas s'ya ng isang malaki at malamig
na glass, sobrang lamig at nangangatog pa siya sa pagkakahawak.
Medyo namumutla na si Gino, na ang nasabi eh,
"Oo nga cutie pie, Pero sa bar ang daming masasarap na pulutan...
sandaling-sandali lang ako talaga. Babalik kaagad ako, okey?"
"Gusto mo ng pulutan, sweetheart?" malambing pa ring usisa ni Karen, na
binuksan ang oven at naglabas ng iba-ibang klase ng pulutan-sisig, chicken
wings, chicharong bulaklak, crispy pata, inihaw na bangus, camaron rebosado,hotdog with onion, kaldereta at iba pa.
"Pero cutie pie... sa bar... you know, merong konting biruan, bolahan,
murahan... you know..." alumpihit na sabi ni Gino.
Hindi na nakapagpigil si Karen,
"Gusto mo ng murahan sweetheart? ....
... TANG*NA MO PALA EH!
HETO, INUMIN MO ITONG P*TANG INANG BEER MO SA MALAMIG NA BWAKANAN NG INANG BASO NA ITO, AT KAININ MO 'YANG P*KI NANG INANG PULUTAN NA 'YAN DAHIL HINDI KA LALABAS NG BAHAY!ULOL!'TANG INANG 'TO"

ayos!!!!

**jmjkidd5** · August 29th, 2007 03:47 AM

[SIZE=3]"THE"

We' ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother. Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it's only now that I gave him a second look. I realized that beauty is in the eyes. The pulpbits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya.

And then, he came over with me. He said, "I hope you don't mine. Can I get your number?" Nag-worry ako. What if he doesn't give it back? He explained naman na it's so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, connect me if i'm wrong but are you asking me ouch? Nabigla siya. Sagot niya, The!
Aba! Parang siya pa ang galit! Persona ingrata!!! Ang kapal niya! I cried buckles of tears.

Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na this is a blessing in the sky. Irregardless daw of his feelings, we'll go ouch na rin. Now, we're so in love. Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our fried. Kasi, I'm 33 na and I'm running our time. After 2 weeks, he plopped the question. "Will you marriage me?" I'm in a state of shocked.

Kasi mantakin mo, when it rains, it's four! This is true good to be true. So siyempre, I said yes. Love is a many splendor.

Pero nung inaayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces.
Nag-di-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaeng humirit ng, "Well, well, well. Look do we have here." What the fuss! The nerd ng babaeng yon! She said they were still on. So I told her, whatever is that, cut me some slacks! I didn't want this to get our hand kaya I had to sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. Ats if! I don't want to portrait the role of the other woman.

Gosh, tell me to the marines! I told her, "please, mine you own business!" Who would believe her anyway?

Dahil it's not my problem anymore but her problem anymore, tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies. I'm so happy.
Even my boyfriend said liketwice. He's so supportive. Sabi niya, "Look at is this way. She's our of our lives."

Kaya advise ko sa inyo - take the risk. You can never can tell. Just burn the bridge when you get there. Life is shorts. If you make a mistake, we'll just pray for the internal and external repose of your soul. I second emotion![/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE]

**jmjkidd5** · August 29th, 2007 03:49 AM

[SIZE=1]THE! Part2

I thought Jay's ex-girlfriend was really out of our lives. But heaven only goes that I was wrong. Kakakasal pa lang namin nun when Jay received a uninamous text. "Meet me at the clinic." I had a stinking feeling in my butt. I told him not to go. It might in danger him. Pero sabi niya, ok lang daw because life is what we make. Tumahimik lang ako. Sabi niya, "Penny for you talks." But I didn't know what to say. Beggars can't be losers. Isa pa, worried talaga ako na baka yung girl
yun. Jay said, "Can't got your tongue?" I tried to smile at him. Kahit di ako nagsalita, actions speak louder than works, di ba?

Be that as is may, umalis pa rin siya. I was out of the loophole. After a few hours, I called him on his cellphone. But my calls fell on Jeff's ears. Lalo akong nag-worry kasi I didn't even know Jeff. Sabi na nga ba di na dapat umalis si Jay. That's what I'm talking about it.

So I tried calling some friends who will help me find Jay. That's what friends are for naman di ba? But I just faced a blank mall. I had to do this alone. Nag-taxi na lang ako. Pero ang mahal na pala ng plug down rate.

When I got to the clinic, the security was really buffed up. Di basta-basta makakapasok. So I said, "I beg your cordon. I'm patient. It's my favorite virtue nga e." Nagduda yata yung isang guard. Hinawakan ako sa arm. The nerd! I shouted, "Don't touch me not!" Buti na lang the other guards were nice and said, "Come on, let's join us."

When I went inside, parang I've been there, done there. Nung walang nakatingin, nag-explore ako. Nakarating ako sa top floor and I had a bird's IQ of the clinic. I could not explain it but I was drawn to a room on the floor. Siguro Divine Intermission na yun.

Parang may narinig akong umuungol. I was thorn. Di ko alam kung aalis ba ako o papasukin ko. It made me stick in the stomach to think that Jay and his ex-girlfriend were there. I tried to tell myself to slower my expectations. But to tell with it! I had to strike while the iron is not. I had to hear the truth from the corpse's mouth. I barraged in. O my gas! Si Jay, naka-strap sa operating table, parang genie pig sa isang nakakatakot na experiment. He was on the cutting edge. He was bleeding. At ang doctor na nagpapahirap sa kanya, ang ex-girlfriend niya at ang bago nitong boyfriend, ang nurse na si Walter. Doon ko napatunayang blood is thicker than Walter.

Guess watch? Di ko alam kung paano ko nagawa pero I was able to search and rescue Jay. Siguro adrenaline brush na yun.

Now, he's recovering. Nag-sorry siya na hindi siya nakinig sa akin. I know it's a better pill to swallow your fried so it's forgive and forget me not. All swell that end swell. I know we should kiss and put on makeup.

Ang ex-girlfriend naman niya at si Walter, nakakulong na. Detention is really better than cure. So the moral of the lesson is: if symptoms persist, insult your doctor.[/SIZE]

**chain** · August 30th, 2007 11:40 AM

Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-d...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?".
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear" she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room".
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy".

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?".
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.".

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ".
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?".
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy ****! A talking chicken!".
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

**alwayz_yummy** · September 11th, 2007 10:05 AM

from: http://rainwitched.multiply.com/journal/item/83
Here yah go. Enjoy laughing!

The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.

-nag-eexplain si inday kung bakit maalat ang ulam.

"Nurture others with positive truthful words, not words that hurt. It doesn't cost anything to do so. But mean what you say, and say what you mean. Do it everyday. This is one of the most obvious qualities of the most beloved people. If you cannot be generous financially, at least be generous with your words."

-sagot ni inday sa amo nya na di xa pinautang at minura-mura pa!

"Ipomea aquatica has become the constant ingredient to this Filipino delicacy which is very helpful in the digestion during the peristaltic process of the food we intake. Due to the continuous rain and floods, the harvest of the said vegetable has lessen the production in the market"

- sagot ni inday samin kung bakit walang KangKong sa nilutong sinigang

I am solitary. I find it hard to succumb into slumber. Though the downpour of rain should've made it easy. This exuberent emotional glue i have for you,cannot be simply washed away. The multiplicity of what i feel for you is inevitable. This isn't platonic. It's real, true romance

- INDAY, nag eemote sa may bintana, habang iniisip si dodong,ang bf nia..

"potatoes, wen consumed n der raw state, r rapidly converted 2 glucose dat raises insulin leve;s bcoz of its simple sugar...wen cooked in high temperature lyk french fries, dey produce large amoun of free radicals n d body causing aging, clotting, inflammation, cancer, w8 gai... 1 french fry is worse dan 1 cigarette

- inday (sagot nya sa amo nung tanungin xa kung bakit di sya nagluto ng french fries)nuritionist din pala si inday

" I stay awake in the coldness of the darkened sky contemplating why, for some reasons, has my emptinessmade itself manifests, extending to that niche where i wasgiven life and growth, that because of austerity i was made seperated from...."

-INDAY habang ndi makatulog dahil na-ho-homesick.

Heavy fire exerted by the stimulus affected the best conductor of heat which is the steel,causing the Oriza Sativa to change it's state of color,smell as well as the taste."

-sagot ni inday ng tanungin siya ng amo kung bakit nasunog ang sinaing.

Listening to the nonsense talk about someone's life is a pathetic way of entertainment..it doesn't contribute to the good of society..i hate character assassinators!..

- reklamo ni inday nang natsismis siya ng kapitbahay.

You'll never know wat u have til it's gone... And once u loose it, u can never get it back....

-si Inday na isnatchan sa quiapo!!!

Dear Mom,
Had i not been able to smell the salt, i must have collapsed moments ago. Junior has become a little monster to me. Remember the head accident he had? As if it wasn't enough, he was summoned by the principal of hil shabilly runned academe. Oh, such an erudite bunch of baboons! I never though being a governess can be such strenuous employ!
Your daughter,Inday

Dear Inday,
Walanghiya ka! Magpadala ka ng pera! Nasa ospital ang nanay mo, dumugo ang ilong pagkabasa ng pesteng sulat mo!
--TATAY

Drunken shrimp and blue lobster meat with caviar served with milagrosa rice (red variety) and apricot sauce.. Vegetables in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin olive oil ..Lychee and peach salad with sour cream and cream cheese topped with lemon zests..

---mga baon ni junjun sa daycare na inihanda ni Inday. SOSYAL!!!

Ich bin jetzt berühmt geworden dürch diesen Pexer.Mach weiter so,das gefällt mir!!!
(naging sikat ako ngayon gawa ng pexer,pagpatuloy ninyo gusto ko yan)

Si Inday marunong din pala maggerman!!

I believe that my trained skills and expertise in management with the use of standard tools, and my discipline and experience will contribute significantly to the value of the work that you want, my creativity, productivity and work-efficiency and the high quality of outcomes I can offer will boost the work progress.

- sagot ni Inday sa interview ng bago niyang amo!

Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy's cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.

- sagot ni Inday nang tanungin ng amo kung bakit may bukol si Junior.

The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride (NaCl) affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.

- nag-explain si Inday kung bakit maalat ang ulam.

Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko, nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!

Inday: Because I don't want you to see me doing absolutely nothing.

"It's absurd! It was never a fact that he will inflict a fight. I can only imagine how you handle schizophrenic kids on this educational institution. Revise your policies because they suck!"

- Inday, kasama si Junior sa principal's office.

Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!

Inday: A change in the weather patterns might have occurred wrecking havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for.

Amo: (nosebleed)

Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment to be inflicted upon you!

- si Inday, pinagbabawalan ang mga bata na maglikot.

Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they'll stay. Leaving can be a tough act, and it's harder when people can't understand you for doing so.

- sagot ni Inday kung bakit umalis si Angel Locsin sa GMA 7.

"To forrestall further hopes of acquaintance, my unfathomable statement to the denial of your request. Petition denied."

- reply ni Inday nang i-text ni dodong kung pwede sya maging txtmate.

Amo: Inday bumili ka nga ng mga isda, ay oo nga pala, inglesera ka na ngayon, would you please buy many fishes for this week's meals?

Inday: Judging by your statement, I believe you meant a variety of fish. The term fishes though rarely used, connotes a plethora of different kinds of the said gilled aquatic creatures. But the most pressing question before I go to the wet market would be: what type of fish? Fillet or not? Frozen or fresh? (pauses) Ahh…given the meager budget afforded by this household's quasi-peasant class taste, I assume I shall source the staple "galewng-gong". Yes?

Amo: Eh kung mag-empake ka na kaya?!

:bwahaha:

ps:kung meron nang ganito, lock nalang..thanx...

**funkngruvn** · September 11th, 2007 01:34 PM

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver (aka Clifford Arquette ): Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its ***? A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

FUNNY, NOT FILTHY !!!!!!!

**funkngruvn** · September 11th, 2007 01:38 PM

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave..... Dave..... Dave, you sick bastard You're a vet."

:rofl: