[Merged] Just for Laughs

[funkngruvn]

RULE BOOK FOR GUYS

Rules from men to women:
Men are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports . It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
If you won’t dress like the Victoria ’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Rules from men to men: 1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
11. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
12. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
14. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
15. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
16. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
If you're a guy: You will laugh a little and realize how true this is!
If you're a woman: Laugh and roll your eyes at our stupidity!

[mayana]

Husband and Wife joke

A wife was helping her husband to set-up his Computer. The husband was in a cheeky mood so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it obvious to his wife that he was typing in the word “p3nis” as password. His wife fell over from laughter when the computer replied: “Password rejected—not long enough.” (Sobra akong natawa dito!)
---
What is a burning desire? When in the dark you reach out for the petroleum jelly but instead take the vaporub!
---
Husband had two photos taken, for his Elderly mother a photo from the navel up and for his wife a photo from the navel down. However he accidentally mixed the photos up when placing them in the envelopes and he send the photo ‘navel down’ to Mommy. She replied: “Thank you for the photo my son, but Mom suggests you change your hair style as it makes your nose look very short.”
---
Wife stands in front of her mirror and said to her husband: “I am fat, old and no longer pretty. I am wrinkled and my breasts hang… Give me a compliment.” When he replied:
“Your eyesight is still excellent though!”

[VtEC]

Mom: baby, your good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what's your answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!

BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin dahil nagmamahalan tayo. ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama


"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it because it is. To do or not to is in the what, now or what else. Without which there never to you!"
- words of wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid.

Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare ako nanalo!

Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: dati... pero ngayon trip trip na lang

Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! putsa pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!

Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria

1 panget na babe, hinoholdap
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...

1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso
Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!


In a pet shop... Customer talking to a parrot...
Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!

Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit
Mga bakla: carry lang po father... dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide!!!

Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A
Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable?
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige siret na!
Bobo: ANEST wehehe!!!

Girl: doc, pa check-up po
Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim

Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na... ano ang balak mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?
Anak: flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers! pretty di ba?!

[funkngruvn]

Airplane Problems

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers:
Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget


Essays

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.


2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.


3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.


4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.


5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.


6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.


7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.


8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.


9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.


10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.


11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30


12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.


13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.


14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.


15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.


16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.


17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.


18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.


19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.


20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.


21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.


22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.


23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.


24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.


25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


Last Name


A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went th rough college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided togo back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[funkngruvn]

[bagz606]

"Parking Tickets Galore"

I went to the shop the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, I was only in there 3 minutes" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse ****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

[Eismann]

[B]Airplane Problems
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

weeee-weeee!

[Galactus]

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

-----------------

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

[Galactus]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary... ! Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant Three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, Genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have *** with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop ***, the genie rolled over again and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?????"

[freefries]

:2thumbsup::cool::bounceD::clap1: men you really amaze me....keep it up...hehehe muntik na akong mahulog sa upuan sa katatawa....