[Merged] Just for Laughs

[userfriendly]

Si Danilo "Dan" Torres, isang Bicolano, ay nagpunta sa US at nag TNT.
Pumasok siya ng convenience store para bumili ng yosi. Pagdating sa counter, sabi ng cashier, "MASTER? VISA?"

Namutla si Dan! Sa isip-isip nya "Patay! Hinahanap ang visa ko!" Dali-daling lumabas ng tindahan, sumakay ng kotse at humarurot ng takbo.

Paubos nang gasolina niya kaya pumasok sa gas station at magpapakarga ng gasolina. "Unleaded?" tanong ng gasoline attendant. "Unleaded," sagot ni Dan.
"Pay first," sabi ng attendant. Lalong namutla si Dan! "Patay! Hinahanapan ako ng papers!"

Iniwan nya ang kotse at dali-daling naglakad papunta sa phone booth upang tawagan ang kapatid nya sa New York.
"AT&T May I help you?" sagot ng operator. Pinagpawisan ng malamig si Dan! "Pati operator alam na TNT ako!"

May nakapilang pulis na gagamit din ng telepono at tanong sa kanya, "Are you done?" Napatitig na lang si Dan sa pulis! "Kilala niya ako? Alam niyang DAN ang pangalan ko!" sa isip-isip nya.

Nang di makasagot si Dan, tinanong uli siya ng pulis, "Are you a tourist?" Nanghina si Dan - pati apelyido niyang Torres ay alam din ng pulis!
Nang hihimatayin na siya, inalalayan siya ng pulis at sabi, "Be cool!" "Inang ko po! Alam din niyang taga Bicol ako! WAAHHH! Uuwi na lang ako sa Pinas!"

Moral op da istori: Wag ka na lang mag TNT sa Istets!

[claRkEnt]

[SIZE=2]An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant in Madrid by plaza de Oriente following a day of sightseeing.

[/SIZE] [SIZE=2]While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][SIZE=2]The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

[/SIZE] [SIZE=2]The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]
[SIZE=2]The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. [/SIZE][SIZE=2]If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]
[SIZE=2]The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said.........

[/SIZE] [SIZE=2]"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]
[SIZE=2]The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]"Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."[/SIZE]
[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]

[Galactus]

The Love Dress

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm wearing my love dress," responds the daughter-in-law, "We haven't made love in a long time."

So the mother-in-law says, "Hmmm, maybe I should try that."

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm wearing my love dress," says the wife.

"Well," responds the husband, "it needs to be ironed."

[IIE]

"pinapaikot mo lang ako
Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang
patayin mlo na lang ako"
-electric fan

"hindi lahat ng walang salawal
ay bastos"
-winnie d' pooh

"Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad
kundi ang mapalapit sa iyo.
pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo"
-ipis

"Hala! sige magpakasasa ka!
Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo."
-hipon

"Ayoko na! pag nagmamahal ako lagi na lang
maraming tao ang nagagalit! wala ba akong
karapatang magmahal?!?"
-gasolina

"Hindi lahat ng green ay masustansya."
-plema

"Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sayo ayoko ko lang naman na sa harap ng maraming tao ganun mo na lang ako itanggi.."
-utot

"Sawang sawa na ako palagi nalang akong
pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako."
-Bola

"you never know what you have
till you lose it. and once you lose it, you can never get it back"
-snatcher

"Hindi lahat ng pink, KIKAY!"
-majinboo

"Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka
mahirap ba talagang makontento sa isa?
bakit palipat-lipat ka?
-TV

"hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin c"
-kili kili

Sige, batihin mo ako....Sigeee.....BATEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
-omelette

pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako!
-libag

Anung kasalanan ko sayo, iniwan mo nalang akong duguan...
-Napkin

"wag mo na akong bilugin.."
-kulangot

Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo?
-Lego

*******ng Buhay to! Itlog itlog! Araw-araw na lang itlog!
-Brief

Wala naman akong ginawa sa kanya! Hindi na nga ako gumalaw dito.
Ako n nga yun natapakan, sya pa yun galit.. bakit ganun?
-***

Sige kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng iba ang baho mo!
-deodorant

"hindi lahat ng dugo puedeng idonate"
-regla

Hindi lahat ng hinog, matamis...
- Pigsa

[jmjkidd5]

If you stare at the picture long enough...you'll see a giraffe

[Horsepower]

Reason why women are more superior than us:

[funkngruvn]

Always Maxi-pad User

This is a copy of a letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble with reference to their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph…

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your “Always” maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t.

Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo”. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour.

You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants…

Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you ****ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong”, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull ****. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always.
Best, Wendi Aarons Austin, TX


Who to Marry...

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such ***y voices and once you pop that top button... Va-voom." The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pyjamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. "Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse." "Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed. "What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as ***y as their voices." "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was Her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'." Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were Scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. "My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?" The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her ***y, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."


Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsefully replied. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." --won't admit his name

[Syuryuken]

[SIZE=2]Iba ang PINOY!!!!![/SIZE][SIZE=2]
PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
Joke [/SIZE][SIZE=2]
Q.[/SIZE][SIZE=2] What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines ?[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

A.[/SIZE][SIZE=2] In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U.S.[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

Q.[/SIZE][SIZE=2] What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory, Gloria and Erap?[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

A.[/SIZE][SIZE=2] Cory can`t tell a lie
Gloria can`t tell the truth
Erap can`t tell the difference[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "

"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!
[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday![/SIZE][SIZE=2]

TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell.

ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko? Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...

Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"

Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?

Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

Boss asks ***y secretary to a dinner after overtime: Â Are you free tonight?
The ***y secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: ***y pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!

Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
JoshuA: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?

Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"[/SIZE]

[claRkEnt]

A man who just got his salary decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good you can see my house far away up on that hill.” The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” asks the clerk. “I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in your house,” the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he gives the man two bullets. “I’ll give you this scope for free if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s p*nis off.”

The man takes another look through the scope and says: “You know what? I think I can do it in one shot.”

[chain]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZN1puUwH0c"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZN1puUwH0c[/ame]