[Merged] Just for Laughs

[iho250]

With all the stress and heat that we encounter everyday...i think we all need this!


It may be old or corny for some...but somehow, it may lighten up someone's day...


here's my share! enjoy!

[SIZE=4]______________________________________

Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba,

eh di nka2tipid sana tayo ng 2000 sa maid.

Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw magaling sa kama, eh di nakatipid tayo ng 7500
sa driver!

****

Doc: kambal anak mo. sister mo nagbigay ng names

Ina: eh tanga yun doc, ano pinangalan sa mga anak ko?

Doc: sa girl, DENICE.

Ina: aba, ok un! eh sa boy?

Doc: DENEPHEW..

****

Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni daddy??

Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo.

Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli yan ni yaya!

****

A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy....

Baby: does this mean im an angel??

Fairy laughs....

Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to, ambisyosa! Paniki ka!

****

Nanay: anak, hindi ka ba nahihiya??! linis ako nang linis dito tapos
ikaw, naglalaro lang jan?!!

Anak: Nay, hindi ba mas nakakahiya kung ako ang naglilinis jan at
ikaw ang naglalaro dito??

****

doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina?[/SIZE][SIZE=4]
Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako sa resulta ng AIDS
test!

tapos sasabihin pa niya...

THINK POSITIVE pare!

****

In a petshop...

customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy! can you speak ha? can u speak?
BOBO!'....

Parrot: Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can u fly, ha? Can u fly? GAGO!

****

Ama: may taning na buhay ko. pag ako'y namatay wag niyo ibenta ung
lupa sa likod ng bahay...

Anak: Din naman atin un Ama..

Ama: kaya nga wag mo ibenta dahil hindi atin un!!

****

Bigo sa pag-ibig??

Maghanap na lng ng....

KUBA - mapagkumbaba

PILAY - di ka tatakbuhan

BULAG - la paki sa looks

PIPI - di nagbibitiw ng bad words.

at eto the best....

DULING - di ka hahayaan mag-isa!

****

Magkaibigan kumakain...

Pedro: anong palaman ng tinapay mo?

Juan: Kiso!

Pedro: Kiso? Ano ka ba nakakahiya ka! Hindi yan kiso!

Chess yan.. CHESS!!

****

Anong tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng kalsada??... ..

e di matapang!! c'',)

****

Baliw1: bakit ang airplane, pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat sa lupa??

bakit ung bintilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa rin??

Baliw2: Tanga ka pala e! kasi ung bintilador may kurdon, pinipigilan
yon!

****

Pari: sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang toothbrush ko.

Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.

Pari: Ok, antay ako.

Sister: pasok na. wala na ako panty!

****

3 Baliw sa Mental nagku2wentuhan. ..

B1: ako presidente dito!

B2: wala ka sa akin! ako si bush, presidente sa america!

B1: cno nagsabi?

B2: Ang Diyos!

B3: At kelan kita sinabihan??

****

prof: who among u experienced having *** with a ghost??[/SIZE][SIZE=4]
Juan raised his hand...

prof: Really?? how does it feel to hav *** with a ghost?

Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!

****

Q: Bakit tahimik magbukas ng medicine ang tanga??..... ......... .

A: Ayaw niyang magising ang mga sleeping pills..

Nyahaha!!

****

Erap writing on a slumbook...

Favorite actor:

Arnold

Schawrze.. (erase)

Schaw.. (erase)

Swarzen.. (erase)

Washen.. (erase)

Swachen..(erase)

Arnold Clavio..

****

Teacher: jigs, ano su2nod sa 7?

Jigs: 8 po!

Teacher: sa 2?

Jigs: 3 po!

Teacher: ang galing mo! sino nagturo sau?

Jigs: tatay ko po!

Teacher: O sige, ano su2nod sa 10?

Jigs: Jack po!

****

Nasa bubong ang sakristan

namboboso sa pari at madre.....

Madre: pano pag nabuntis ako??

Pari: bahala na ang nasa itaas!

Sakristan: Tang ina, bakit ako?

Nanonood lang naman ako![/SIZE]

[donski]

Love VS Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

TV has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".




Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

[110 MPH]

[SIZE=3]PRICELESS[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough, you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=2]get a chuckle or two reading them once more[/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=4]

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..[/SIZE][SIZE=4]

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'[/SIZE][SIZE=4]

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'[/SIZE][SIZE=4]

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was [/SIZE][SIZE=5]Always.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it........these were the good old days
when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=4]
And he always ended his programs with the words, 'God Bless.' [/SIZE]

[110 MPH]

[SIZE=5]This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!! [/SIZE][SIZE=5]
================================= [/SIZE]
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... [SIZE=5][/SIZE]
===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left? [SIZE=5][/SIZE]===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... [SIZE=5][/SIZE]

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah..................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. [SIZE=5][/SIZE]===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

===============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars. [SIZE=5][/SIZE]===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, hi. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

=============== [SIZE=5]

And last but not least... [/SIZE]

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

[theveed]

You know some home TV shopping stuff is too good to be true...

[donski]

Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A
2Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige, sirit na nga
Bobo: Anest


Policeman arresting a prostitute
Prosti: I am not selling ***
Police: Then what are you doing?
Prosti: I'm a saleswoman selling condoms with free demo.


Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin, chicharon, mani
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).


Tindero: Hoy, bili ka gatas ng baka. P10 piso lang isang baso
Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang ba nyan?
Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dumede sa baka.


Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos kita na utak ko
Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded.


A naked girl rode on a taxi
"Bakit" asked the girl at the driver na nakatitig sa katawan nya
"Ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng hubad?"
Driver: "Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago pamasahe mo"


Beauty contest
Emcee: What's the big problem facing the country today?
Contestant: Drugs
Emcee: Very good, why do you say that?
Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh!


Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Katulong: Sabi po ni dok tatanggalan po ako ng butlig
Amo: Butlig lang iiyak ka na...
Katulong: Kasi ok lang kung right lig or left lig lang po.. pero bakit naman butligs pa.....


Doc: Ano trabaho mo hija?
Girl: Substitute po
Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute at kung may sakit siya ako po yung substitute.. ..


Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a saucer of kangkong.
Fruits for dessert and lots of juice....
Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?


Kodigo
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!


SIOPAO
Kulas: Miss, i sa ngang siopao... 'yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.
Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito.
Kulas: Lalaki?
Waitress:Kasi po, may itlog sa loob!


A Chemistry teacher asked a ***y student, "What are NITRATES?
The student replied shyly, "Ma'am, sa motel po. NITRATES are higher than day rates!"


Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.


WHO'S GUILTY?
Wife dreaming in the middle of the night suddenly shouts, "Quick, my husband is back!"
Man gets up, jumps out the window and realizes, "Damn! I AM the husband!"


Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?
Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!


Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
Toto: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!


Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!


Lito: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
Joseph: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?! Ang H2O ay water! At ang CO2... cold water.



Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit. Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit. Naunang namatay si Dado.

Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.

"Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?" usisa ni Rodel.

"Oo naman!" tugon ni Dado.

"Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel."O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa langit?"

Sagot ni Dado, "May maganda at masama akong balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...

kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!"


Usapan ng dalawang bata...
Junjun: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, 'yang Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
Pedrito: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo, yung Dead Sea ?
Junjun: Oo...
Pedrito: Siya ang pumatay nun!

[CVT]

Ayos!

6110:pepsi:

[malagu]

Pakilala 3 guys were introduced to a girl.

“Hi, I’m Peter, not a sanit!”
“I’m Paul, not a Pope.”
“I’m John, not a Baptist.”
The girl replied, “Well, I’m Mary, not a virgin!”

__________________________________________________ _____________

Engineer Nsa palengke ang mayabang engineer.

ENGR: cnu ang gus2ng mkipagtgisan ng talino skin!?

TAMBAY: Ako!

ENGR: Pag nsagot u tnong q, bgyan kta 5000, pg nsagot q nman tnong u, bgyan mo aq ng limang piso.....

TAMBAY: cge ba!!!!

ENGR: what's the scientific name of a cat?

TAMBAY: ( kinamot ang ulo )Eto, limang piso, hndi q alam e! Aq nman mgttnong sau!

TAMBAY: Anong hayop ang may apat na paa, na pgtwid sa isang bundok ay tatlo nlng ang paa?

ENGR: ( inabot ang 5000 ) Anong hayop ba ito?

TAMBAY: ( dumukot ng limang piso mula sa bulsa ) Di ko rin alam!

HEHEHEHEEHHEH!!!!!!


__________________________________________________ _________

Pasahe Sa Isang Jeep

Pasahero: Mama, Magkano Po Yung Pasahe?

Driver: 7.50 Yung Minimum

Pasahero: (Dumukot Ito Sa Bulsa Para Kunin Yung Pera Niya, Ngunit sa Di Sinasadyang Dahilan Kulang Yung Pamasahe Niya.) Patay, Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Paano Kaya Ito? (Nag Isip Ito At Lumingon Sa Driver. Napansin Niya Na Duling Ito. Sabi Niya Sa Kanyang Sarili, Tama Duling Yung Driver Sigurado Pag Nagbigay Ako Ng 3.75 di Niya Mapapansin Na Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Kasi Doble Yung Paningin Nito. Inabot Niya Sa Driver Yung Pera.

Ngunit Laking Gulat Niya Nung May Sinabi Yung Driver Sa Kanya.

Driver: Kulang Ito!

Pasahero: Anong Kulang? Di Ba Sabi Mo 7.50 Yung Minimum?

Driver: Oo Nga 7.50 eh Dalawa Kaya Kayo.

Patay! Akala Mo Lusot Kana ha?

[architect]

From Dried Wit -

ID 10 T Error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Braden, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Braden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Braden grinned..., "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I did, writing down the ten as a number...

I used to like the little sh*t.

[110 MPH]

Ang Paghihiganti

Isang gabi, naglalakad ang isang lalaki sa may tulay nang may makita syang babaeng nasa taas ng gilid nito at magtatangkang magpatiwakal.

"Huwag",sigaw ng lalaki. At sa kabutihang palad ay nakumbinsi ang babae at siya'y bumaba.

Lalaki: Ano bang problema mo't naisipan mong gawin yan?

Babae: Kasi, iniwan ako ng boypren ko't sumama sa ibang babae.

Lalaki: Miss, ganyan din ang problema ko pero di ko inisip na magpakamatay.

Babae: So, anong gagawin natin?

Nag-isip saglit ang lalaki at sinabi...

Lalaki: Kung gusto mo,maghiganti tayo sa kanila.

Babae: Paanong paghihiganti?

Lalaki: Alam mo na ibig kong sabihin...(sabay kindat sa babae na nakuha naman ni babae ang ipinahiwatig na yon).

Maya maya'y nasa isang kuwarto na sila ng motel at nangyari na nga ang di dapat mangyari. Nang makaraos si lalaki, nagsindi ng yosi.

Nang halos filter na lang ay biglang nagsabi si babae ng "Maghiganti uli tayo". Medyo pagod,pero pinagbigyan uli nya ang request ni babae.

Nang makaraos uli,nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Nasa kalahati pa lang ang yosi.

Babae: Maghiganti uli tayo.

Medyo nangangatog na ang mga tuhod pero dahil sa hilig, muling pinagbigyan nya si babae. Muling nakaraos ang dalawa.

Nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Unang hitit pa lang nya ay:

Babae: Ganti uli tayo.

Talagang lupaypay na pero para huwag mapahiya ay muling pinagbigyan nya ang kahilingan ng babae. Pagkatapos kumuha
siya ng yosi. Sisindihan pa lang nang biglang....

Babae: Ganti uli tayo.

Lalaki:"ANO KA BA NAMAN! PATAWARIN NA NATIN SILA!!!!!!

[donski]

How Old am I?


A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference."


The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."


The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"


Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that`s the real thing."


A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."


The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"


The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

[ryel]

Top Business Names

1. Parlor in San Juan is named "Cut & Face".

2. Wholesaler of balut in Sto.Tomas, Batangas: "Starduck".

3. Fast food eatery in Nueva Ecija: "Violybee"

4. Internet cafe opened among squatters named "Cafe Pindot".

5. In Manila , there's a laundry named, "Summa Cum Laundry".

6. Petshop in Ortigas: "Pussies and Bitches".

7. A pet shop in Kamuning: "Pakita Mo Pet Mo".

8. Bakery: "Bread Pit".

9. Bank in Alabang: "Alabank".

10. Restaurant in Pampanga named, "Mekeni Rogers".

11. Restaurant in Pasig : "Johnny's Fried Chicken: The 'Fried' of Marikina".

12. A boxing gym: "Blow Jab".

13. A tombstone maker in Antipolo: "Lito Lapida".

14. A copy center in Sikatuna Village called "Pakopya ni Edgar".

15. A beerhouse in Cavite called, "Chickpoint" .

16. Laundromat in Sikatuna: " Star Wash : Attack of the Clothes".

17. Internet cafe in Taguig named, "n*kopi*".

18. Name of a kambingan, "Sa Goat Kita".

19. A salon somewhere, "Curl Up And Dye".

20. A lugawan in Sta. Maria, Bulacan: "Gee Congee".

21. A water refilling station in Dapitan named "Wa-Thirst".

22. A store selling feeds for chickens: "Robocock".

23. Shoe repair in Marikina : "Dr. Shoe-Bago".

24. Shoe repair store along Commonwealth, "SHOEPERMAN: we will HEEL you,

save your SOLE, and even DYE for you".

25. Petshop: "Petness First"

26. Flower shop: "Susan's Roses".

27. Taxicab: "Income Taxi".

28. A 2nd hand watch store: "2nd Time Around".

29. A squid stall in a wet market: "Pusit to the Limit".

30. A shrimp store: "Hipon Coming Back".

31. A gay lawyer's extension office: " Nota Republic ".

32. A ceiling installer: " Kisame Street ".

33. A car repair shop: "Bangga ka 'day?"

34. An aquatic pet store in Malolos: "Fish Be With You".

35. A fishball cart named, "Poke Poke".

36. A beauty salon: "Saudia Hairlines".

37. A bakery: "Anak Ng Tinapay".

38. A resto along Mayon road in Manila : "May Lisa Eatery".

39. Laundry shop: "Wash Your Problem".

40. This mobile massage business name isn't funny, but

their slogan is: "Asian Mobile Massage Service: Massage only, God is

watching".

41. Ice cream parlor: "Dila Lang Ang Katapat".

42. Chicharon store: "Chicha Hut".

43. Neighborhood pizza store: "Pizza Hot".

44. A fishball cart near UST: "Eat My Balls".

45. A barbershop in Cagayan de Oro: "Pinoy Big Barber".

46. A Resto: "The Last Supper".

47. A goto resto: "Goto Ko Pa!"

48. A peanut vendor's cart with a funny name: "Mani ni Papa".

49. A gym in Malolos: " Gaymann Fitness Center ".

50. My brother's party needs business: "Balloon-Balloonan" .

51. A Chinese restaurant in Pasig : "Lah-Fang".

52. A store selling fresh chicken, owned by woman named Dina: "Dina Fresh

Chicken".

53. An actual bait and tackle shop in U.S. : "The Master Baiter".

54. Panaderia: "Trimonay Bakeshop".

55. Salon: "Hair Dot Comb".

[ab_initio]

[SIZE=4]Smile naman diyan!!! As i read the papers and watched the news, i asked one question, "Who wants to struggle here in the Philippines?" Medyo heavy-gat...smile your day to get by...who knows pag di natin iisipin we'll get to appreciate several of the best sunshines soon...this came from a friend, actually, she didn't dig this herself from the records, kumbaga, multiple hearsay na...:2thumbsup::bleh::secret:
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]__________________________________________________ __________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Are you ***ually active? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Yes. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: I forget. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: We both do. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Voodoo? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: We do. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: You do? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4] Next morning? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Yes. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Yes. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: How many were boys? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: None. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: By death. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a Beard. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

[/SIZE]

[ab_initio]

[SIZE=4]eto pa...

______________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]--- And the best for last: --- [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: No. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: No. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: No. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: No. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. [/SIZE]

[ab_initio]

[SIZE=6]TAKE TIME OUT FROM YOUR SERIOUSNESS OF LIFE DAILY REQUIREMENTS[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

[/SIZE][SIZE=6][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Have a nice day ahead of you...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=6][/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]
[/SIZE][SIZE=5]Bye-Bye Lexus![/SIZE][SIZE=4]


A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. ' You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.'

'How can you say such a thing?' he responded indignantly.

The cop replied, 'You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.'

'OH, NO!' screamed the lawyer in shock. 'Where is my Rolex?!'[/SIZE]

[renzo_d10]

Street Vendor : "bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito!
pag namuti, white gold!
pag huminto stopwatch!"

gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at dalawang
beses pa natin ginawa!
bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

Couple talking:
wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di paki gawa na lang ang hagdan natin.
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis si husband, pagbalik gawa ng lahat ang sira sa
bahay. tinanong niya ang wife kung sino ang gumawa ng trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko ang daming sira dito sa
bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either *** or bake him a cake.

husband : so pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!

ANG MARRIED LIFE....
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay
inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"

Husband: "Parati na lang tayong nag-aaway! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"

Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, I am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife
and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Anong occasion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"

Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men into
women.
After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable,
irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"

WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na ang husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!!!

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sinunod ko lang ang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya
eto - uwi agad ako..

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na
to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising
bukas, buti ikaw, hindi na.

HE HE HE HE !!!!

Population polic ies of countries:
China Stop at 1 child.
Singapore : Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA : we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA: you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!

Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!

"SUMPA"
Hindi na makakatikim ng napakasarap na cake ang huling
bumasa nito!

Ayos safe na ako...papayag ka bang IKAW ang huling
babasa nito?



:hysterical:

[JJCarEnthusiast]

heheehe ayus to ah.. share ko lang experience ko sa inyo..

gabi nun eh may kasama akong babae, friend ko. sabado nun at sweldo pa kaya mahaba ang pila. pero pumila parin kami para ma try lang. hehe.. ayun umupo muna kami at nag hintay. kinakabahan na ako. kasi ako first ko pa, yung kasama ko naka ilang beses na hehe.. sinabi ko sa kanyang sya na bahala sa akin. gawin ko nalang anong sabihin nya kasi first time ko pa nga. so ayan kami na! hmmm kabado na ako.. binuksan ko ang pinto para sa kanya, sya pina una ko. nasa loob na kami. sabi nya sakin, ilabas ko na, at ipasok ko na kaagad. so yun naman ginawa ko, nilabas ko na at pinasok ko na.. ilang pindut pa at may lumabas na. ang sarap pala pag may lumabas na ano???!! wheeww first time ko pa kasi gumamit ng ATM eh.. hehehe may pera na ako yehey..!!

[renzo_d10]

heheehe ayus to ah.. share ko lang experience ko sa inyo..

gabi nun eh may kasama akong babae, friend ko. sabado nun at sweldo pa kaya mahaba ang pila. pero pumila parin kami para ma try lang. hehe.. ayun umupo muna kami at nag hintay. kinakabahan na ako. kasi ako first ko pa, yung kasama ko naka ilang beses na hehe.. sinabi ko sa kanyang sya na bahala sa akin. gawin ko nalang anong sabihin nya kasi first time ko pa nga. so ayan kami na! hmmm kabado na ako.. binuksan ko ang pinto para sa kanya, sya pina una ko. nasa loob na kami. sabi nya sakin, ilabas ko na, at ipasok ko na kaagad. so yun naman ginawa ko, nilabas ko na at pinasok ko na.. ilang pindut pa at may lumabas na. ang sarap pala pag may lumabas na ano???!! wheeww first time ko pa kasi gumamit ng ATM eh.. hehehe may pera na ako yehey..!!

hmmm....:um:

[JJCarEnthusiast]

heheehe ayus to ah.. share ko lang experience ko sa inyo..

gabi nun eh may kasama akong babae, friend ko. sabado nun at sweldo pa kaya mahaba ang pila. pero pumila parin kami para ma try lang. hehe.. ayun umupo muna kami at nag hintay. kinakabahan na ako. kasi ako first ko pa, yung kasama ko naka ilang beses na hehe.. sinabi ko sa kanyang sya na bahala sa akin. gawin ko nalang anong sabihin nya kasi first time ko pa nga. so ayan kami na! hmmm kabado na ako.. binuksan ko ang pinto para sa kanya, sya pina una ko. nasa loob na kami. sabi nya sakin, ilabas ko na, at ipasok ko na kaagad. so yun naman ginawa ko, nilabas ko na at pinasok ko na.. ilang pindut pa at may lumabas na. ang sarap pala pag may lumabas na ano???!! wheeww first time ko pa kasi gumamit ng ATM eh.. hehehe may pera na ako yehey..!!

[renzo_d10]

^^ Ano yan JJ? Re-post?