[Merged] Just for Laughs

[badsekktor]

DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.


in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic
crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!


1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu.
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.


MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!

Kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!
GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva ek ek.
GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman
watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate.
GMA: oshah ba.


Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child
support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!


BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?


Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede?
"uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir!
apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!.... ......


Imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo.
STUDENT: bakit di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang susey ng lola
mo ah.
HUNK: Winnie cordero nga dude sa susey, Melanie marquez naman sa
brainwaves. Wit na.

Jaworski while coaching: keber sa kalaban! Just focus! We cannot afford to
luz valdez ! Getlakin niyo yung last freethrow! Windangin yung mga julaban!
Ok! Go for the gold to the highest level mga chorva! Gow lang! gow lang ng gow!


BOY1: nakakakawa naman lola mo.
BOY2: bakit?
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.
Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY1: bakit?
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!


A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!

TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!


BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!


Magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!


STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!


PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!

TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.


Sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.


Sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!

Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!


JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 ... only.


SA OSPITAL.....
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.

GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!


INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.


nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!


ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!


thought to ponder:
hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay pinutol niya lahat
ng puno para gumawa ng napaka laking arko? ano sa tingin mo?

kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?


PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.


DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.


Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago

[conzky]

1. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.


2. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings! 'YES'.. OK, BYE'.
She turns to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.


3. Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle- dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock- a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!


4. Three Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a SAINT.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a BAPTIST...

The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.


5. Girlfriends are appetizers. Taste good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams. Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!


6. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!

[bavent]

A husband is at home watching a basketball game when his wife interrupts.
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well,then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says. "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damned carpenter and I don't want to fix steps, " he says, "Does it look like a I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to Padi's Point and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out. As he walks to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"

She says,, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He says "So what kind of cake did you bake him?".

She replies, "Helloooo ... do you see Goldilock's written on my forehead???!!!"

[bavent]

ANG LIHAM NI BEBENG


Registered nurse si Bebeng sa L.A. Kasama niya ang kanyang ina na
nagpagamot doon. Namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe
pabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Bebeng. Pinauwi na lang niya ang
kabaong ng kanyang ina na mag-isa.

Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng mga kapamilya niya na nakadikit ang
mukha ng ina sa salamin ng ataul. Nagkomento tuloy ang isang anak, "Ay,
naku! Tingnan mo 'yan... hindi sila marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa
Amerika! Nakudrado tuloy ang mukha ng inay."

Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong. Aba ! May
sulat na-nakastaple sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa. Ang
nilalaman ng liham na mula kay Bebeng:


Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid:

Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan sa
Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. "Ang gastos ko pa lang sa
kanya ay mahigit $10,000 na. Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway,
ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod...

Nasa likod ni nanay ang dalawampu't apat na karnenorte at isang
dosenang spam. Ang adidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay. Ang limang pares ng
de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang asul na Jansport na backpack na inuunan ni
nanay. Tig-iisa kayo.

Ang iba't-ibang klase ng tsokolate at candy ay nasa puwetan ni nanay.
Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana'y hindi natunaw.
Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso ni ate.
Gift Ko sa first birthday ng bata. Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene.

Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay, japanese version ng pokemon
trading cards at stickers. "Suot ni nanay ang tatlong Ralph Lauren,
apat na Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para kay Kuya at tig-iisa
angmga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta.

Suot din ni inay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong warmer para sa mga
dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party.May isang dosenang NBA caps
sa may paanan ni nanay. Para sa inyo, itay, kuya, dikong, Tiyo Romy. Bigyan
nyo na rin ng tig-isa 'yung mga pamangkin ko at 'yong isa ay kay Pareng
Tulume.

Ang tigdadalawang pares ng Nike wristband at knee caps na suot-suot din
ninanay ay para sa mga anak mo, diko, na nagbabasketball. Tigdadalawang
reamng Marlboro lights at Winston red ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni
nanay.

Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashing liquid, isang
Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua Fresh ang nakasiksik
sakilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan.

Isang dosenang Wonder bra ( Victoria 's Secret ata ang
tatak)gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iskang society natin, suot-suot din ni nanay. Alam kong
inaasam-asam nyo 'yan, tiya. Anim na lipstick lang ang kasya sa bra. Ang Rolex na
bilin-bilin mo tatay, suot-suot ni nanay. Nakatakip sa Nike na
wristband. Kunin mo agad, Itay.

May isinisik akong zip-loc sa bunganga ni Inay na naglalaman ng $759
dollars. Hindi na ako nakatakbo sa ATM. Puede na siguro sa libing iyon.

Iyong tong na makokolekta, i-time deposit niyo Kuya para pag namatay si
Tatay may pambili na ng ataul.Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na may
nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) nagustong-gusto mo, ditse, ay
suot-suot din ni nanay. Kunin mo na rin agad, ditse. Ibigay mo ang isang
nailcutter kay Jay bakla sa kanto.

Tanggalin niyo ang bulak sa ilong ng inay, may isiniksik ako 3
diyamante sa bawat butas. Ibangon niyo lang si inay at tiyak na malalaglag na ang
mga iyon. Konting alog lang siguro ng ulo.

Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si
nanay pa ang maiwan. Basta parte-parte kayo, tatay, kuya, ate, dikong, ditse.
Parasa inyo lahat ito. Bahala na kayo kay nanay. Pamimisahan ko na lang
siya rito.

Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Alam ni ate ang email
ko.Paki-double check ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko.


Nagmamahal,
Bebeng

[110 MPH]

Subject: An actual letter to the Canadian Passport Office!


This is too funny---

This has got to be one of the funniest letters I've ever seen....what a hoot!

I can just imagine what kind of investigation this guy is under NOW!!!!


Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v.cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.


Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!</
P>

****!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this b..lshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f..kin' address.
What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals a..holes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shitsakes.
I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f..kin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f..kin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some a..hole to confirm that it's really me on the g..damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!

(f..kin' morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate f..king Canadian Citizen.



P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST f..king CHINA!!!

[110 MPH]

Batangueno ka ga?

--------------------------------

Airplane Crashes in Batangas
An airplane crashed at a town in Batangas.

MEDIA: Manong, pakilarawan po ang nangyari.

LOLO: Ala eh, nakow, garne ga utoy... Kakaalmusal ko laang, gayakako'y sisinsay sa kahanggan, ay natan-awan ko yaan sa alapaap ay nagsisilab.Bago sumirko ng papagay-on na kala mo'y papatak. Ginagaling na laangat sa sukalan areh sumugba, ay kung sa kabayanan ga, ay di panay mgautas!

MEDIA: Ho?

----------------

Vehicular Accident in Batangas

MEDIA: 'Lo, kayo daw po'ng saksi?

LOLO: Ay uwoh! Ika'y pumarne dine sa silong. Kung ako pa naman ang dadais sa iyo para magsalaysay ay sulong!

MEDIA: 'Sensya na po sa abala.

LOLO: Ako'y naka-ungkot laang dine at karakaraka'y ako'y nagitla sa busina. May mag-inang hasing-hasi pa ng paghihikap ay gab-eng gab-e na! Bakin ga aring dyip ay saksakan ng tulin???Ay di ako'y palakat na sa mag-inang di naiingli! Aba'y maiipit na'y naka-umis pa!Kainaman….Hayown!Sa pag-iwas ng dyip ay sumalya sa tarangka, tiklap ang tapaludung lasa ko'y kawangki ng nilamukos na kiche. Pagkakabugnot ng drayber!Ngalngal e!

MEDIA: Ano raw?

[110 MPH]

Sorry hindi ko alam kung sino ang author ng 2 post ko sa itaas para ma acknowlege, email forwarded to me by friends.

[russpogi]

Sorry hindi ko alam kung sino ang author ng 2 post ko sa itaas para ma acknowlege, email forwarded to me by friends.

Ok lang yun! Most of the things we post here are normally taken from emails forwarded to us by our friends and family.

Hahaha! Laugh trip mga post mo! Especially about the Canadian!

[110 MPH]

Ok lang yun! Most of the things we post here are normally taken from emails forwarded to us by our friends and family.

Hahaha! Laugh trip mga post mo! Especially about the Canadian!

Thanks, BTW if anybody wants to copy and paste my post here to send it to others has my permission to do so.
Here is another one; Tried to resize but this is the smallest I can get, MODS, pls delete if it takes too much space.

STUPIDITIES:

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

------------ ------
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).... in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

[laracroft]

hahaha.
natawa ako dun sa batangueno.

batangueno din kasi ako pero
muntik ng dumugo ilong ko dun
ah. hahaha.

[chua_riwap]

Ewan ko kung meron na nito dito. Pulot ko lang...........



Three surgeons are boasting about their respective surgical skills.

“I operated on the leg of a man,” said the orthopedic surgeon, “and now he is a champion marathon runner.”

“I operated on the heart of a man,” said the cardiac surgeon, “and now he is an Olympic gold medalist in decathlon.”

“That’s nothing,” said the cosmetic surgeon. “I put a mole on the cheek of a dwarf, and now she is the President!"

[themann]

A man went to the ER to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum
jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

Now you decide what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring
__________________________________________________ ______________________

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their ass, the
results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny....

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man,
and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

__________________________________________________ ___________________________

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jell-o
and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whooooa, good luck buddy!
I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

__________________________________________________ ___________________________________

A South Carolina couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?' The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment coming along?' 'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No" the husband replied... "it's turned black".
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"




She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

__________________________________________________ ______________________

A lovely and very ***y blonde goes into her local pet shop in Search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says: "*** Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete Instructions.

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way
home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Put some nice satin sheets on your bed.
2. Take a nice warm bubble bath.
3. Splash on some nice perfume.
4. Slip into a very ***y nightie.
5. Light a pair of candles by the bed.
6. Put on a CD with some very soft classical music playing quietly in the background.
7. Slip into bed and place the frog beside you
The frog will do what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, Nothing happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store and speak To the man that sold the frog to you." So the blonde calls the pet shop.

The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done Everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its Eyes and says very sternly: "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

__________________________________________________ ______________________

The miracle of toilet paper.....

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror,
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for
a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

[themann]

The International Council of Man laws, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save it's master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed!

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding *** pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have *** with her.
Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey ***, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 3. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

· "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
* "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"

[110 MPH]

Just thought you all might need a laugh.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ...very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[bavent]

Subj: CHINESE SICK CALL

Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her to give me ***. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

================================

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies "No. What do you mean?"

"You must be new here," she says. "Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Finished, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the nudist colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady," the man replies, "I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

[onat_1]

^^^^ this one makes my day :rofl::rofl:

[110 MPH]

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having *** with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy.... for everything else there's MASTERCARD




'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries , it's more like a hot curry--what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow......'

[110 MPH]

THREE MEN HIKING

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God,please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river.'Poof!'......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked two
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO
CAN HANDLE IT!

'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you'.

[nitrox]

Ito ang alamat kung bakit nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki...

Karpintero itong si Jojo at isang araw eh gumagawa siya ng isang bahay sa tabi ng ilog.Sa lakas ng pagma-martilyo niya eh nalaglag ang martilyo niya sa ilog...umiyak siya at lumitaw yung guardian angel niya, "tutulungan kita, Jojo".. .sabay lundag sa ilog.

Lumabas ito na me hawak na gold hammer,"ito ba ang martilyo mo?"... "hindi po"...lundag uli ang anghel at lumitaw na me silver hammer, "ito ba?"..."hindi po"...lundag uli sa ilog ang anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer, "ito ba?"..."opo" .natuwa ang anghel, "dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa 'yo na rin ang gold and silver hammer"...

Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Jojo sa ilog at kasama ang misis niya...eh sa katangahan,nalaglag si misis sa ilog...iyak si Jojo... litaw si guardian angel, "tutulungan kita"...sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw eh kasama si Paris Hilton, "ito ba ang misis mo?"...sagot si Jojo, "opo"...nagalit si anghel, "sinungaling ka. Akala ko pa naman mabait ka"...

Nag- reason-out si Jojo, "sorry po, angel...kasi kapag sinabi kong 'Hindi', eh lulundag ka uli sa tubig at pag-litaw mo eh kasama mo si Jessica Simpson, at pag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay na misis ko na ang kasama mo. At dahil sa kabaitan ko eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Paris at Jessica. Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una.

Moral of the story: kaya lang naman nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki is for a good and noble reason.

[nostalgia]

Got this from email and i think it is hilarious. In fact there is also another one but I didn't post it kasi medyo green yung ibang content eh. baka mapagalitan ako dito .

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from
his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship.

The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have
cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to
either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I
sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, Aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he
had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that
envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me.

Take Care, Ricky