[Merged] Just for Laughs

[Alpha_One]

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

Done. The light is called "Check Engine" though.

Kind of ironic that the seatbelt, the doors, and the keys have their own light/bell nowadays. But anything goes wrong with the most complicated part of the car, "Check Engine". Para bang yung mga makukulit na nag dialog boxes pero pag nag crash, "This program has performed an illegal operation".

[zidane21]

up po natin!

[boybi]

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

CTRL-ALT-DEL

:bwahaha: :bwahaha:

[boybi]

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENT'S MEDICAL CHARTS at PHILIPPINE GENERAL HOSPITAL (PGH):

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
3. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. She is numb from her toes down.
10. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
11. The skin was moist and dry.
12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
13. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
14. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
15. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
16. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
17. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
18. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
19. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

********

Sa PGH, may tinatawag na Central Block. Nandoon ang Radiology Department kung saan ginagawa ang mga X-rays, Ultrasound, CT Scan at Radiotherapy. Dito ko naobserbahan ang evolution ng mga pinoy medical terms. May mga pasyente o bantay na aking nasasalubong, ang madalas magtanong ng direksyon. Mga Versions ng CT Scan:

1. "Dok saan po ba ang Siete Scan?"
2. "Doc saan po ba magpapa-CT Skull"
3. "Doc saan po ba CT Scalp"
4. "Doc saan po ang CT Scam?"

**********

Madalas akong mapagtanungan ng direction papunta sa Cobalt Room.
"Doc saan po ba ang Cobal" Yes, laging walang T. Marami ang gumagamit sa term na Cobal. Saan napunta ang "T". Marami din kasing nagtatanong, "Doc, saan po ba ang papuntang X-Tray?"
Conclusion: Ang "T" ng Cobalt, ay napunta sa X-Tray.

*********

7:00 am. Nagbigay ang kasamahan kong doktor ng Instruction sa bantay ng pasyente, "Mister, punta po kayo sa Central Block at magpa-schedule kayo ng X-ray ng pasyente ninyo." 3:00 pm. Kadarating lang ng bantay. Nagalit na ang Doktor, "Mister, bakit namang napakatagal ninyong bumalik? Pina-schedule ko lang naman ang X-ray ah." Sumagot ang bantay, "Eh kasi po Doc, ang tagal kong naghintay sa gate, haggang sabihin ng guwardiya na sarado daw po ang Central Bank kasi Sabado ngayon." ( Nasa Roxas Blvd ang Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, at sarado nga naman yon kapag Sabado)!

***********

Nang mag-rotate ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH, mahal na mahal talaga ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.
Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?"
Mrs 1 : "Doc phenobarbiedoll po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po phenobarbital. " (Gamot sa convulsion ang
phenobarbital)

**********

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs 2: "Doc metromanilazole po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po metronidazole. " (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)

************ *

Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)

Doktor: "Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na Po kayo sa PACU.
Mrs 3: "Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?

***********

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit ng inyong anak?"
Mrs 4: "Eh Doc sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.
Doktor: "Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang Congenital Heart Disease ang Tetralogy of Fallot)

************
Biglang nagtatarang ang isang nanay at sumigaw.
Mrs: "Scissors! Scissors! Nag-sciscissors ang anak ko, Doc!"
Doktor: "Nurse, diazepam please, nag-seizure ang pasyente!"

******** **** *

Doktor: "Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs. 6 : May ketong daw po.
In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang Dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.
Doktor: "Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang Sakit ng bata?"
Mrs : "Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes."
Doktor: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa Ihi ay senyales ng kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)

************ **

Doktor: (Sa buntis na mrs. na nagle-labor) "Mrs.pumutok na po ba ang panubigan mo?"
Mrs:"Eh Doc, wala naman po akong narinig na pagsabog." (Hanep!)

[OTEP]

Pinadala ata sakin ni afrasay iyan sa e-mail or dito din sa Tsikot.

I have it posted sa refrigerator. Binabasa ko kapag gusto kong pagtawanan itong pinasok kong propesyon.

[mhelskie]

ibang iba tlaga ang mga tao sa atin, malungkot na pangyayari na may nakakatawa pa din ehehe...

[tinky]

[SIZE="4"]Loving Wife...[/SIZE]this wife can be an example to all of us


A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds
a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair.While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent
a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

[chua_riwap]

[SIZE="4"]Loving Wife...[/SIZE]this wife can be an example to all of us


A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds
a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair.While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent
a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

Bwa-ha-ha!.......Ayos!

[ruel23]

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too."

[silverbx986]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

[Taurus]

Boys Night Out . . .

against

Girls Night Out

[atongk]

lugi tayo sa slips na ito . . .

[silverbx986]

Dusty Underwear

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Joan," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: It's not talcum powder.

It's 'Miracle Grow'.

[silverbx986]

Marriage in Heaven

A young couple, very much in love, were driving to church to get married.
Sadly, on the way, they had a terrible accident and were killed.
Both, standing before the pearly gates, asked Saint Peter if they could be married in heaven, since that's why they were there together and were very much in love.

Saint Peter checked his big book of appointements and said it would be fine but.....only in ten years. Well , being in love, they thought ten years would pass quickly enough and decided to wait. Sure enough, ten years later, a huge ceremony (with angels) weds our happy couple.

A few years later, fighting and bickering push the couple to want to separate, so they go back to ask Saint Peter if it was possible to get a divorce. Hearing this, Peter throws down his halo, curses, and says, " Dang nab it, it took ten years to find a priest in heaven!!!.....and now you want us to find a lawyer ???"

[swimstroke]

^ :lol: Meron naman sigurong mabait na lawyer...

...50 years waiting time.

[claRkEnt]

Filipino dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What
do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair
for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He
checks out the US, Spanish hell as well as the Russian hell and many
more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the
German hell.

Then he comes to the Filipino hell and finds that there is a very long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do
here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Filipino
devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so
many people waiting to get in?"
Because there is always a brownout, so the electric chair does not work.

Somebody stole all the nails to sell it per kilo.

And the devil used to be a public official, so he comes in, punches his time-card, shakes hands with all the people waiting there and then goes back home

[j_avonni]

First time ***

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had *** before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and ***.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[russpogi]

First time ***

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had *** before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and ***.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Hahahaha!!!! Laugh trip!!

[GerardTagayty]

A Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was
down and his fly
area is wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said "Boss
this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his office
looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paperwork he
suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and
remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.
Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his
secretary. When he
reached her desk, he said "When you saw the garage door open did you see my
Expedition parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said "No Boss, I didn't."
"All I saw was a Mini Cooper with 2 flat tires."

[Chip]

Boys Night Out . . .

against

Girls Night Out

LOL!!!