[Merged] Just for Laughs

[Elroi]

GM's response to Bill Gates' comment..

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ... twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and r eopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall > the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five > percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[mbeige]

Sent to me by my wife

[SIZE=4]IBANG POSISYON:
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman
ang
uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PINOY INGENUITY?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a
man's
*** organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a
magnifiying
glass.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]REGALO:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo, ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]SI GINO:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: ******* ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]TUTPIK:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang, ang dali
pang
mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit nyan, pero kayo
lang
nakabali!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL[/SIZE][SIZE=4]:
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak
ko
rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang
animal!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]SUKO SA MISTER:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago
niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang
niroromansa.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PAGOD DAW.....[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PARI AT MADRE:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang toothbrush ko...
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ESTUDYANTE:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa
sa
estudiante.
Bugaw: Yung PRINCIPAL, sir!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]AFTER THE WEDDING:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PAMBOBOSO:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di nya makita!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PROMOTION:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]AMPON:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ANG SULAT:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang
sarili ko...
Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa ata matatangap...
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]LIIT NAMAN:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]DOWNY:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]HIDE AND SEEK:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-*** sa
'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]MADRE:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jusko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila nalalaman ang
kanilang
ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]RAPE SUSPEK:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nangreype
sa
'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!![/SIZE]

[Alpha_One]

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

Done. The light is called "Check Engine" though.

Kind of ironic that the seatbelt, the doors, and the keys have their own light/bell nowadays. But anything goes wrong with the most complicated part of the car, "Check Engine". Para bang yung mga makukulit na nag dialog boxes pero pag nag crash, "This program has performed an illegal operation".

[zidane21]

up po natin!

[boybi]

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

CTRL-ALT-DEL

:bwahaha: :bwahaha:

[boybi]

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENT'S MEDICAL CHARTS at PHILIPPINE GENERAL HOSPITAL (PGH):

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
3. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. She is numb from her toes down.
10. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
11. The skin was moist and dry.
12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
13. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
14. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
15. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
16. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
17. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
18. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
19. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

********

Sa PGH, may tinatawag na Central Block. Nandoon ang Radiology Department kung saan ginagawa ang mga X-rays, Ultrasound, CT Scan at Radiotherapy. Dito ko naobserbahan ang evolution ng mga pinoy medical terms. May mga pasyente o bantay na aking nasasalubong, ang madalas magtanong ng direksyon. Mga Versions ng CT Scan:

1. "Dok saan po ba ang Siete Scan?"
2. "Doc saan po ba magpapa-CT Skull"
3. "Doc saan po ba CT Scalp"
4. "Doc saan po ang CT Scam?"

**********

Madalas akong mapagtanungan ng direction papunta sa Cobalt Room.
"Doc saan po ba ang Cobal" Yes, laging walang T. Marami ang gumagamit sa term na Cobal. Saan napunta ang "T". Marami din kasing nagtatanong, "Doc, saan po ba ang papuntang X-Tray?"
Conclusion: Ang "T" ng Cobalt, ay napunta sa X-Tray.

*********

7:00 am. Nagbigay ang kasamahan kong doktor ng Instruction sa bantay ng pasyente, "Mister, punta po kayo sa Central Block at magpa-schedule kayo ng X-ray ng pasyente ninyo." 3:00 pm. Kadarating lang ng bantay. Nagalit na ang Doktor, "Mister, bakit namang napakatagal ninyong bumalik? Pina-schedule ko lang naman ang X-ray ah." Sumagot ang bantay, "Eh kasi po Doc, ang tagal kong naghintay sa gate, haggang sabihin ng guwardiya na sarado daw po ang Central Bank kasi Sabado ngayon." ( Nasa Roxas Blvd ang Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, at sarado nga naman yon kapag Sabado)!

***********

Nang mag-rotate ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH, mahal na mahal talaga ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.
Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?"
Mrs 1 : "Doc phenobarbiedoll po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po phenobarbital. " (Gamot sa convulsion ang
phenobarbital)

**********

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs 2: "Doc metromanilazole po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po metronidazole. " (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)

************ *

Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)

Doktor: "Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na Po kayo sa PACU.
Mrs 3: "Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?

***********

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit ng inyong anak?"
Mrs 4: "Eh Doc sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.
Doktor: "Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang Congenital Heart Disease ang Tetralogy of Fallot)

************
Biglang nagtatarang ang isang nanay at sumigaw.
Mrs: "Scissors! Scissors! Nag-sciscissors ang anak ko, Doc!"
Doktor: "Nurse, diazepam please, nag-seizure ang pasyente!"

******** **** *

Doktor: "Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs. 6 : May ketong daw po.
In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang Dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.
Doktor: "Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang Sakit ng bata?"
Mrs : "Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes."
Doktor: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa Ihi ay senyales ng kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)

************ **

Doktor: (Sa buntis na mrs. na nagle-labor) "Mrs.pumutok na po ba ang panubigan mo?"
Mrs:"Eh Doc, wala naman po akong narinig na pagsabog." (Hanep!)

[OTEP]

Pinadala ata sakin ni afrasay iyan sa e-mail or dito din sa Tsikot.

I have it posted sa refrigerator. Binabasa ko kapag gusto kong pagtawanan itong pinasok kong propesyon.

[mhelskie]

ibang iba tlaga ang mga tao sa atin, malungkot na pangyayari na may nakakatawa pa din ehehe...

[tinky]

[SIZE="4"]Loving Wife...[/SIZE]this wife can be an example to all of us


A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds
a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair.While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent
a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."