[Merged] Just for Laughs

[chua_riwap]

[SIZE="4"]Loving Wife...[/SIZE]this wife can be an example to all of us


A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds
a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair.While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent
a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

Bwa-ha-ha!.......Ayos!

[ruel23]

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too."

[silverbx986]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

[Taurus]

Boys Night Out . . .

against

Girls Night Out

[atongk]

lugi tayo sa slips na ito . . .

[silverbx986]

Dusty Underwear

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Joan," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: It's not talcum powder.

It's 'Miracle Grow'.

[silverbx986]

Marriage in Heaven

A young couple, very much in love, were driving to church to get married.
Sadly, on the way, they had a terrible accident and were killed.
Both, standing before the pearly gates, asked Saint Peter if they could be married in heaven, since that's why they were there together and were very much in love.

Saint Peter checked his big book of appointements and said it would be fine but.....only in ten years. Well , being in love, they thought ten years would pass quickly enough and decided to wait. Sure enough, ten years later, a huge ceremony (with angels) weds our happy couple.

A few years later, fighting and bickering push the couple to want to separate, so they go back to ask Saint Peter if it was possible to get a divorce. Hearing this, Peter throws down his halo, curses, and says, " Dang nab it, it took ten years to find a priest in heaven!!!.....and now you want us to find a lawyer ???"

[Chip]

Boys Night Out . . .

against

Girls Night Out

LOL!!!

[VtEC]

Heto pa mga corny nga lang ......

Sa Sauna Bath...
Masahistang Bisaya: Unsa man ang gusto nimo, Sir . .
. SOP o MODIRIT?
Customer: Ano ba 'yung SOFT at MODERATE mo, day?
Masahistang Bisaya: SOP-supin ko pa ba o' gusto
MO-DIRITso na?


Si Ate Shawie . . . gatas niya ALASKA, softdrinks
niya COCA-COLA,
ice cream niya SELECTA, ulam niya CENTURY TUNA,
merienda niya McDO . .
kaya katawan niya . . . SUPER FERRY, sakay na!


SINO ANG UNANG TAO SA MUNDO?

Sabi ng mga HUDYO, "kami".
Bakit? Dahil kami ang nagpako sa Diyos.

Sabi ng mga INTSIK, "kami".
Bakit? Kanino kayo bili pako?



Why women don't prefer to marry men from Las Pinas?
'Coz they have "BAMBOO ORGANS".

Why women don't prefer to marry fortunetellers?
'Coz they have "KRISTAL BOLS".

Why women don't prefer to marry men from Pateros?
'Coz "ITLOG NILA MAALAT", pwe!



HUSBAND: I was with another woman last night.
WIFE: Sonafabitch!
HUSBAND: But I was thinking of you the whole time.
WIFE: So, you felt guilty.
HUSBAND: No, so that I won't cum too fast!



ANAK: Mommy, bakit ka tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni Daddy?
MOM: Wala, anak, pinapaliit ko lang ang tiyan ng
Daddy mo.
ANAK: Wa epek 'yan, kasi hinihipan ulit ni yaya.



3 TYPES OF GIRLS:

MAHIYAIN - Covering face with her skirt, exposing her
"kuan".
MATULUNGIN - "Ako na lang ang maghuhubad, Sir."
PAKIPOT - "Ayoko sa harap, sa likod na lang."



3 Presidents in front of a firing squad will be shot
if they lie.

MARCOS: I believe I brought democracy in the
Philippines
blah. . .blah. . .blah. . . BANG!
RAMOS: I know I improved the military . . .blah. .
.blah. . . BANG!
ERAP: I think . . . BANG! BANG! BANG!



CODE ng mag-BF for you know what: "HAMBURGER"

MOM: Iha, ginabi ka yata?
GIRL: Nag-HAMBURGER lang kami ni Roy.
MOM: O sige, wash up na at may mayonnaise ka pa sa
labi!



HUSBAND: Dear, pinakita ko lang ang mga puting buhok
sa dibdib
ko, aprub agad ang SSS Pension ko.
WIFE: Ipinakita mo rin sana ang ari mo, para may
dagdag na
Disability.



Bakit ang pari kapag umihi, nakatingin sa langit?

SAGOT: Diyos ko, pang-ihi na lang ba ito?



Which doesn't belong to the group . . . wife, man,
egg, blow job?

ANSWER: BJ . . . you can beat your wife, you can beat
a man, you
can beat ang egg, but NOTHING CAN BEAT A BJ!



MORATO & MACEDA drives a car in L.A. when an
American cuts and
swerves along the car path.

MORATO: **** you, asshole!
AMERICAN: Suck my dick!
MACEDA: Uy, pre, nakikipag-areglo!



BOY: Mommy, ano itim na damo sa iyo kapag hubad ka?
MOM: Ah wala, ESKOBA lang iyon!
BOY: Kaya pala kinis mukha tatay, kita ko kiskis niya
sa mukha,
ESKOBA ni Inday.



PATIENT: Dok, sabihin na ninyo ng deretso, seryoso ba
ang sakit ko?
DOC: Nanonood ka ba ng Rosalinda?
PATIENT: Opo, pero anong knalaman nun?
DOC: Hindi mo na matatapos.



ANAK: Inay, 'yung BF ko, hindi naniniwala sa LANGIT
at IMPIYERNO.
INA: Pakasal kayo, anak, at ipalasap mo sa kanya ang
LANGIT at
ako ang magpapakita sa kanya ng IMPIYERNO!



POKPOK # 1: Kuripot ang kostumer ko . . . Php500
kapag pinasok,
Php400 ang bj, Php300 ay bate . . . eh Php200 lang
ang pera niya.
POKPOK #2: Anong ginawa mo?
POKPOK #1: Aba, nung nakita ko na 12 inches yung
kuwan nya, pinahiram ko agad siya ng Php300.



GIRL 1: Gusto kong asawa ay ARCHITECT para ERECT na
ERECT.
GIRL 2: Ako, PROGRAMMER, para ENTER ng ENTER.
GIRL 3: Ako, DOCTOR, para INJECT ng INJECT.
GIRL 4: Ako, BISAYA para MATIGAS ANG DILA!





ANAK: Ang sipag ng labandera natin, 'Nay.
NANAY: Bakit mo nasabi 'yun?
ANAK: Kasi nakita ko siya, tulog pa si Tatay,
hinuhubaran na niya
ng brief, eh!



MA'M: Inday, ihanda mo si Sir ng paborito niyang
pagkain.
INDAY: Ma'm, naghugas na po ako.



I would like to invite you to the concert of Jaya,
Kuh Ledesma,
Lindsay Custodio, Monique Wilson and Sharon Cuneta at
the Folk Arts
Theatre tonight, entitled . . . "JaKuhLinMoSha"!



Blue collar workers go for basketball. Middle level
execs are
for tennis while CEOs and VPs prefer golf. Just to
show that the
higher the position, the smaller their balls become.



Anong style kaya ang maganda? Patuwad? Patihaya?
Patagilid? O
Padapa kaya? Puwede rin kayang paupo? Hay!
Tulungan mo nga ako, ang
hirap magpatulog ng KUBA!

(Hoy, utak mo . . . berde!)



GF: (Hawak ang bote ng softdrinks.) Honey, kapag
hawak ko ang
bote ng softdrinks, naaalala ko ang aking ex-BF.
BF: Eh ako, tuwing kailan mo ako naaalala?
GF: Kapag hawak ko ang straw.



LOLA: (Hinoldap.) Wala akong pera!
HOLDAPER: Alam ko kung nasaan ang pera mo (sabay
pasok ang kamay
sa bra ni lola)!
LOLA: Tuloy mo pa, may tseke sa ibaba!


HAPPINESS is not found at the end of the road . . .
it is
experienced everytime you make a sudden turn!

WELCOME, ANITO LODGE!



Ano sa English ang NOLI ME TANGERE? TOUCH ME NOT!
Sa Chinese? NO CHAN CHING!



JAI-ALAI RESULT:

MARE: Sus, pare, kalahati lang ang lumabas sa akin.
PARE: Ako, mare, dulo lang.
MARE: Pare, kung ang dulo mo, tumama sa hati ko,
panalo
tayong dalawa!



ERAP: Akyat kang puno, pisilin mo ang bunga kung
hinog na.
FPJ: (Umakyat at pinisil ang bunga.) Oo, pare, hinog
na!
ERAP: Sige, baba ka na, sungkitin natin!



TARZAN: Me go to city to buy underwear so birdy safe.
JANE: Ok. You not buy panty for me so pussy also
safe?
CHEETAH: And can you buy condom for me so Jane safe?



Ano raw ang pagkakaiba ng CANNIBAL at ng BADING?

SAGOT: Ang CANNIBAL, kumakain ng kauri; ang BADING,
kumakain ng
kaari.



WHY ARE TYPHOONS NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

ANSWER: 'Coz when they COME, they're WET and WILD
and when they
GO, they take your HOUSE and CAR with them!

[Horsepower]