[Merged] Just for Laughs

[onat_1]

^^^a bit old, but still funny^^^

[j_avonni]

^^^a bit old, but still funny^^^

Oldies but goodies.

[claRkEnt]

so common that's why i find this funny...

[conzky]

SOME BAR JOKES:

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

***

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

***

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

***

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

***

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

***

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

***

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

***

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

***

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

***

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

***

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best *** he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has *** for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

***

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

***

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"

[bavent]

SIOPAO
Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao, 'yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.
Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito.
Kulas: Lalaki?
Waitress: Oho, may itlog po sa loob.

Kodigo
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!

Alimasag
Nakaamoy si Ngongo ng pabango sa isang store.
Sabi ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"
Sabi naman ng saleslady, "Pabango 'yan, hindi alimango!"
Ulit ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"
Nag-agawan si Ngongo at ang saleslady sa pabango. Nahulog ang pabango at nabasag.
Sabi ni Ngongo, "Ale, masag!"

Mamili ka
Mister: Anong tanghalian natin?
Misis: Nasa mesa! Bahala ka nang mamili!
Mister: Isang tuyo?! Anong pagpipilian ko?
Misis: Mamili ka... kakain ka o hindi?

Plantsa
Dok: Ano'ng nangyari sa tenga mo?
Joshue: Nama-mlantsa kasi ako nang kumiriring ang telepono.
Aksidenteng
na-pick up ko 'yung plantsa.
Dok: Eh bakit dalawang tenga mo ang nagkaganyan?
Joshue: Ang gago, tumawag uli!

PALIMOS
Pulubi: Palimos po, maawa na kayo.
Tonyo: Iinom ka o magyoyosi?
Pulubi: Wala po akong bisyo.
Tonyo: Okey. Sumama ka sa akin para malaman ng nanay ko
ang nangyayari sa taong walang bisyo.

ALITAPTAP
Anak: 'tay, hindi ako makatulog, kasi, maraming lamok!
Tatay: Papatayin natin ang ilaw para hindi tayo makita.
(Pagkapatay ng ilaw, dumating naman ang mga alitaptap.)
Anak: Hala ka, 'tay, nagdala sila ng flashlight!

[claRkEnt]

Got this from email. naaliw lang ako so share ko.

Why teachers are so stressed?



.

[silverbx986]

Phrases Women Use

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. WHATEVER: Is a women's way of saying F*!K YOU!

9. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a
woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong," for the woman's response refer to #3.

[OiC65]

Dalawang unano galing motel.
UNANO 1: pare, hindi ko nagalaw date ko kagabi, buti pa kayo, dinig
ko humihiyaw ka ng "1,2,3 ummph!! "
UNANO 2: gago! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang kama .


Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem
mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An
honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak,
"Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga
ang nasa loob!"


Pinoy asked hooker: How much?
She said: $50 on bed, $20 on sofa, $10 on grass.
He gave her $50. She said, you're a man of class, 1 time
on bed?
Pinoy: No! 5 times on GRASS.


Have a nice weekend

[BoEinG_747]

In an obstetricians clinic:

Doc: "Hubad na, iha. Huwag kang mag-alala.I won't take advantage of you!"

Girl: "Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty at bra ko?"

Doc: "Diyan lang sa may tabi ng brief ko." :grin2: :grin2:

[bavent]

Efficiency

Nagtrabaho si Boy sa isang restaurant bilang isang waiter. Habang
kinukuha ang order ng isang customer, natabig ng customer ang kutsara
niya. Agad namang dumukot sa kanyang bulsa si Boy ng kutsara sa bulsa
niya. Nabilib ang customer.

Customer: Ang galing ah! Lahat ba kayong waiter dito, merong kutsarang
ready sa bulsa?

Boy: Opo. Meron kasi kaming "efficiency expert" dito. Sabi niya, 23.6%
ng mga customer, natatabig ang mga kutsara. Para makatipid sa oras ng
lakad, meron na kaming ready na kutsara sa bulsa.

Natapos nang kumain ang customer at kinuha niya na ang chit niya.
Napansin niyang merong nakalabas na tali mula sa zipper ni Boy.

Customer: Bakit ka merong tali diyan sa zipper mo?

Boy: Lahat kaming waiter dito, merong ganyan. Nakakabit yan sa ari
namin, para pag-iihe kami, hindi na namin kailangang hawakan para
ilabas. Sabi kasi nung "efficiency expert" namin, 15.6% ng oras ang
nauubos sa pag-hugas ng kamay pagkagaling sa CR.

Customer: Matanong ko lang, pa'no mo ibinabalik yung ari mo sa pantalon?


Boy: Ewan ko lang sa ibang waiter ha, pero ako ginagamit ko yung
kutsara.

[RMean]

holduper: taas ang kamay. holdup ito. akina ang pera mo.
senador: ang lakas ng loob mo. hindi mo ba alam kung sino ako!!!
holduper: eh sino ka ba???
senador: senador ako!!! isang mataas na opisyal sa pamahalaan.
holduper: kung ganon ... AKINA ANG PERA KO!!!

[pparado]

There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"

There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"

There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"

There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"

There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"

There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"

So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.

What's the moral of the story?

When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.

[onat_1]

^^^^ :hysterical: :hysterical:

[silverbx986]

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS


Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she
told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's
house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told
his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Gumusut_Amige]

From email...

***
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!

Misis: Eh ako, sino?

Mister: Si DACOS !

Misis: Dacos? Sino
'yun!

Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!

***
Job interview...

Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan
kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan
nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!

***
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis
ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo!

***
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.

***
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko...
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang
natin sa balita kung magkano!
***
Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma'am, library po!

***
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
***
After 50 years...
Urbana: Mare, how's your ***life?
Dolores: Well, sa age ni pare mo, MUKHA na lang ang nagagalit,
BALAHIBO na lang ang tumatayo at UBO na lang ang matigas.
***
Mga kasabihan:

"Magkasinlakas lang ang muscles namin
ni Pacquiao, pero hindi talaga
ako ang kalaban niya, bakit ba ang kulit
ninyo?!" - VINA MORALES
***
"Anong akala mo sa akin, mayaman?!
Nauubusan din ako ng pera!" - ATM
***
"You never even thanked me for making
you happy, then you throw me
away just like that... I hate you for using me,
for making my life full of
****..." - TOILET PAPER
***
"Huwag po nating salubungin ang mga
bumababa. Hindi po natin sila
kamag-anak." - LRT OPERATOR
***
" Napaka-unfair ng buhay sa mundo...
Bakit hindi ako pwedeng
magmahal?!" - UKAY-UKAY
***
"You know, I feel I'm relaxing...you
know... Thanks for da God... To
all Filipino, thanks for da supporting wid me..." - MANNY PACQUIAO
***
"Biktima rin ako ng abortion." - BALUT
***
"Alam kong may gusto ka sa akin.
Pasimple ka pa. Bakit hindi mo ako seryosohin?Pero bago ang lahat, gusto
ko, alam
mo na hindi ako easy-to-get." - FLAT 1.0
***
"Huwag mong sabihing pinaiyak kita
dahil una mo akong sinaktan." - SIBUYAS
***
"Panakip-butas lang ba talaga ako?" - PANTY
***
"Halika, pag-initin mo ako! Kailangan kong pumutok upang ako'y iyong
matikman at ika'y masarapan... ayaaan na!
Malapit na!!! Puputok na!!! Aaaaahhhh...." - POPCORN
***
"Huwag mo akong sisihin kung cold man
ako dahil hindi naman ako
magmamatigas kung binigyan mo lang sana ako ng
konting importansya!" - KANING LAMIG
***
"Hindi lahat ng alak, nakalalasing."
- ALAK-SAN
***
"Hindi lahat ng 13, malas." - 13th MONTH PAY
***
"Hindi lahat ng lumilipad ay superhero." - MANANANGGAL
***
"Hindi lahat ng bumabagsak ay nagsa-summer." - ERIK MORALES
***
"Hindi lahat ng ngipin ay puti." - BLUETOOTH
***
"Nandito ako sa harap ng bahay ninyo." - GATE
***
"Bakit mo 'ko binibitin kung kailan kainitan at basang-basa ako?" -
SINAMPAY
***
"Lagi mo akong yakap. Nakapatong lagi ang hita mo sa katawan ko. 'Yun
pala, tutulugan mo lang ako..." - UNAN
***
"Masayang-masaya ako, kasi, ang dami kong date!" - KALENDARYO
***
"Nagtatanong lang naman ako pero huwag mo naman akong murahin kapag
hindi mo masagot." - TEST PAPER
***
"Ang sarap haplusin ng buo mong katawan... at dumampi sa parteng ako
lang ang nakagagawa. Masarap, di ba? Pero bandang huli, iiwan mo lang
ako sa
isang tabi..." - TUWALYA

[Gumusut_Amige]

from email
================================
Ang sampung prutas

May 3 hunters na nahuli ng mga cannibals sa gubat. dinala sila sa
harap ng tribal chief para siya ang pupugot ng ulo. nagmakaawa yung mga hunters.
Naawa naman yung chief.

Chief: sige hindi namin kayo papatayin, sa isang kondisyon.
kailangan isa-isa kayong mangolekta ng 10 pirasong prutas. dalhin nyo iyon
dito at saka ko sasabihin ang sunod nyong gagawin.
naghiwa-hiwalay ang tatlong magkakaibigan. unang dumating si Pedro,
dala-dala'y 10 oranges.


Chief: ngayon, ipasok mo ang lahat ng mga prutas na iyan sa iyong puwet.
kailangan ay hindi magbabago ang mukha mo. konting ngiwi o ngiti
lang ay pupugutan ka agad namin ng ulo.

Unang orange pa lang ang pinapasok ay napa-sigaw agad si Pedro.
Agad siyang pinugutan ng ulo. sunod na dumating ay si Juan, dala-dala'y
10 lansones. tuwang-tuwa siya ng in-explain sa kanya nung Chief kung
ano ang kailangan nyang gawin.
Juan: sus! sisiw lang pala. kayang-kaya! buti na lang maliit na
prutas ang kinolekta ko. naipasok ni Juan ang mga lansones sa kanyang
puwit ng walang problema. Ngunit nung asa pang-10 prutas na siya, bigla siyang napatawa.
Pugot-ulo agad si Chief.

Pagkamatay ay napunta agad si Juan sa langit kung saan nakita niya
si Pedro. Nagkausap ang dalawa.


Pedro: Sayang Juan! pinapanood kita dito sa langit habang ginagawa
mo yung utos. isang lansones na lang hindi mo pa tiniis! buhay ka
pa sa na ngayon. ano bang nangyari sayo?


Juan: pare, ang dali-dali ngang ipasok nung mga lansones. kaso,
nung matatapos na ako bigla kong nakita si pareng Jose -- may
dala-dalang 10 langka!

[claRkEnt]

got thru text:

Nakakita ka na ba
ng White Lady sa Balete?

O matusok ng icepick
sa paglakad sa Tondo?

naka pick-up ka na ba
ng prosti sa quezon ave.?

Napagtripan ng tibo
sa sampaloc?

o mapa-rambol sa sta ana?

Nadukutan ka na ba
sa divisoria?

o naisnatchan ng bag sa letre?

naholdap ka na ba sa recto?

o maagawan ng celfone
sa monumento?

Tara na! Byahe Tayo!
Kay Ganda ng Pilipinas. WOW Phils.

[Elroi]

GM's response to Bill Gates' comment..

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ... twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and r eopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall > the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five > percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[mbeige]

Sent to me by my wife

[SIZE=4]IBANG POSISYON:
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman
ang
uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PINOY INGENUITY?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a
man's
*** organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a
magnifiying
glass.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]REGALO:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo, ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]SI GINO:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: ******* ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]TUTPIK:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang, ang dali
pang
mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit nyan, pero kayo
lang
nakabali!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL[/SIZE][SIZE=4]:
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak
ko
rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang
animal!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]SUKO SA MISTER:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago
niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang
niroromansa.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PAGOD DAW.....[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PARI AT MADRE:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang toothbrush ko...
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ESTUDYANTE:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa
sa
estudiante.
Bugaw: Yung PRINCIPAL, sir!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]AFTER THE WEDDING:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PAMBOBOSO:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di nya makita!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PROMOTION:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]AMPON:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ANG SULAT:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang
sarili ko...
Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa ata matatangap...
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]LIIT NAMAN:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]DOWNY:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]HIDE AND SEEK:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-*** sa
'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]MADRE:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jusko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila nalalaman ang
kanilang
ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]RAPE SUSPEK:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nangreype
sa
'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!![/SIZE]

[giopopo46]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely
packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He
asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man
jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No,
no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz
chord!"

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get
up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

man cant stop laughing you're good