[Merged] Just for Laughs

[bavent]

LITTLE JOHNNY strikes again:
>
>"Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady,
>how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the
>teacher asked.
>
>"Just a minute, I have to go pee," he said.
>
>The teacher replied," That would be rude and impolite.
>
>What about you Paul, how would you say it?
>
>"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right
>back."
>
>The teacher responded," That's better, but it's still not very
mannerly

>to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."
>
>"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and
>show us your good manners."
>
>I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment; I have to
>shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
>meet after dinner."
>
>The teacher fainted.

[BoEinG_747]

Women are unique...

They can release blood for 4-5 days without dying...

Can supply milk for 6-12 months without spoiling...

And make HOTDOGS hard for 1-2 minutes without freezing!...

[c0zee]

FREE DRINKS

Larry and Steve wanted to go out drinking; they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage. Steve said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Steve said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.

Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth bar, Steve said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar.

[russpogi]

^hahahaha!!!!

[falalofasion]

[QUOTE=yuichi;557311]Pinoys Favorite Food:
THIS WAS POSTED IN ONE RESTAURANT NEAR NAIA AIRPORT,
so, maybe next time you are around the area, you may
as well dine-in there, and check out their menu; AS
YOU GO ON, IT'S BECOMING INTERESTING AND MORE
FLAVORFUL!!! (this is based on true facts...)

1. TAPSILOG - Tapa, Sinangag, Itlog

2. LONGSILOG - Longganisa, Sinangag, Itlog

3. HOTSILOG - Hotdog, Sinangag, Itlog

4. PORKSILOG - Pork, Sinangag, Itlog

5. CHICKSILOG - Chicken, Sinangag Itlog

6. AZUCARERA - Adobong Aso

7. LUGLOG - Lugaw, Itlog

8. PAKAPLOG - Pandesal, Kape, Itlog

9. KALOG - Kanin, Itlog

10. PAKALOG - Pandesal, Kanin, Itlog

11. MAALOG NA BETLOG - Maalat na Itlog, Pakbet, Itlog

12. BAHAW - Bakang Inihaw (akala ninyo kaning lamig ano)

13. KALKAL - Kalderetang Kalabaw

14. HIMAS - Hipon Malasado

15. HIMAS SUSO - Hipon Malasado, Sugpo, Keso

16. HIMAS PEKPEK - Hipon Malasado, Kropek, Pinekpekan

17. PEKPEK MONG MALAKI - Kropek, Pinekpekan, Monggo, Malasado, Laing, Kilawin

18. DILA - Dinuguan, Laing

19. DILAAN MO - Dinuguan, Laing, Dalandan, Molo

20. BOKA BOKA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape

21. BOKA BOKA MO PA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape, Molong Pancit

22. KANTOT - Kanin, Tortang Talong

23. KANTOT PA - Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit

24. SIGE KANTOT PA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit,
25. SIGE KANTOT PA IBAON MO - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit - Take out

26. SIGE KANTOT PA HA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit, Halo-halo

27. SIGE KANTOT PA IBAON MO PAPA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit... Take out with Ketchup

28. PAKANTOT - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong

29. PAPAKANTOT - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang Talong

30. PAPAKANTOT KA BA - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang, Talong, Kapeng Barako

31. PAKANTOT SA YO - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Saging + Yosi

32. PAKANTOT KA - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Kape

33. PAKANTOT KA HABANG MATIGAS PA - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Kape, Inihaw na Bangus, Maruya, Tinola, Ginisang Aso, Pancit

34. SUBO - Sugpo, Bopis

35. SUBO MO - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo

36. SUBO MO PA - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Pancit

37. SUBO MO PA MAIGE - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Mais, Pige

38. SUBO MO TITE KO - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola, Teryaki, Kochinta

39. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola, Teryaki, Kochinta, Bihon, Tawilis

40. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS, HAYOP! - ...same as #39,
minura mo lang yung waiter kasi ang tagal ng order.


NOW, YOU BELIEVE, FILIPINO CUISINE MENUS CAN B E SO
APPETIZING, SERVE WITH SIZZLING LIBIDO... ENJOY YOUR
MEAL, BON APPETITI!!![/QUO
ANG CORNY NMN N2!!!

[lolo pepe]

ito kaya yung restaurant? hehehe



[SIZE="1"]picture borrowed from *outmap post sa "funny pics" thread.[/SIZE]

[russpogi]

Doctors Notes

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX



At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA



One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada



I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left". Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester , MA



During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA



Note: Know why doctors are called practicing physicians?
Answer: because there's only one GREAT PHYSICIAN...

[b1rken5tock]

he he he.. naka jackpot si manong magbobote...

[drifto]

VIRGIN MALE on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.
> > MOM: Put your biggest thing on her hairiest thing.
> > SON: OK. I got my nose in her armpit. Now what?


> > OLD MAN: Can you give me an erection?
> > FAITH HEALER: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can
even cure cancer, but I'm sorry I cannot raise the dead.


> > 2 employees were caught naked and having *** in the office by the
guard.
> > GUARD: Aha! Violating company rules!
> > MAN: What rule?
> > GUARD: Not wearing uniforms.


> > Q: What is the difference between Biology and Sociology?
> > A: If the baby looks like the father, that is biology. If he looks
like the neighbour, that's sociology.


> > Q: Define Impotence?
> > A: It's nature's way of saying "NO HARD FEELINGS"


> > A husband was asked: Do you talk to you wife after ***?
> > His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.



> > At the movie house.
> > GIRL: Honey, the man beside me is masturbating.
> > BF: just ignore him dear.
> > GIRL: I can't. He's using my hand!!



> > Q: Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?
> > A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.



> > Boy 1: why did you run away from the naked lady?
> > Boy 2: because my mom said that if I look at a naked lady I will
turn to stone, and a part of me was already getting hard!!


>>> A camel and an elephant met. The elephant asked the camel Why do you
have your breasts on your back?
> > The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies ..
What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!

very funny! i like this joke may sense.

nawala pagod ko ahh!!

[vhenok]

O eto para sa mga wala pang karansan sa F---ing!

Frequently Asked Question About F--ing

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe f---?
A. Although married people f--- often, there are many single
people who f--- complete strangers every day.

Q. How do I go about f---ing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to f---. If they do, they will
give you their phone number.

Q. My parents say they never had f--- when they were young, and
were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they
were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they
can f---?
A. F---ing can be performed at any age once you learn the
correct procedure.

Q. If I f--- something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay
to f---. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their f--- drives
and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for f---ing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are f---ing, a
cover should always be used.

Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and f---
prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people f--- prematurely when they haven't
f---ed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind
if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business f---. Can transmissions
become mixed up?
A. Being bi-f---ual can be confusing, but so long as you use a
cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not
supposed to.

Q. Is getting f---ed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would
like you to believe that the longer they are f---ing you the
better you will like it. In reality the best f--- is short,
of high quality, and very graphic.

Q. There is a man I'd very much like to f--- (I've tried
several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment
up long enough.
Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good f--- therapist, such
as Canon or Mitsubishi or Brother. If he refuses to take the suggestion,
it would be best if you just wrote him off.













Syak ka no, mali ka don..... FAXING yon!

[russpogi]

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the
engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked
her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the
middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked,

"Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

[BoEinG_747]

^^^ hehehe nice one ,,russ

[outmap]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[outmap]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

[mikejohnny]

After finger**** his GF...

BF: baby, naiwan ung college ring sa loob mo!

GF: eh di kunin mo!

after 3 minutes...

BF: p*****ina!

GF: bakit na naman?

BF: UST ako bakit UP ito?

[mikejohnny]

Dumaan isang pangit na babae sa grupo ng mga lasing.

tinukso nila girl, "PANGET!"

ganti ng girl, "LASENGERO!"

sabi ng lasing

"BUKAS, di nako lasing, E IKAW? Nyahahaha!"

[karlbo]

Si Boy Ngo ngo ay ikinulong sa dahilang walang awa niyang pinaslang ang tindera sa kanilang kabayanan. Tunghayan ang kaniyang kwento kung sa tingin ninyo�y nararapat lamang siyang ikulong�





The Misadventures of Boy Ngo Ngo





Isang araw, Tinawag ni Inay si Boy, ang batang ngo-ngo.



Inay: Boy, magpunta ka sa tindahan ni Aling Petra at bumili ka ng isang latang Pork & Beans!

Boy: Omo, inay !





Nagtungo si Boy Ngo Ngo sa tindahan ni Aling Petra. Tatlong bundok ang kaniyang nilakad. Pagdating ni Boy sa tindahan ay binati niya ang tindera.



Boy: Aning Metra, ngamuta na mo ngayo? (Kamusta na po kayo?)

Aling Petra: Mabuti naman. Ano ang kailangan mo Boy?"

Boy: Mangmilan nga mo ng inang lata ng Mo e Meen! (Pagbilhan nga po ng isang lata ng Pork n Beans)

Aling Petra: Ano kamo, Boy?

Boy: Isa mong Mo e Meen (Isa pong Pork n Beans)


Aling Petra: Paki-ulit nga Boy at hindi kita maintindihan.

Boy: Mo e Meen! Mo e Meen - nyung nata lata! (Pork n Beans! Pork n Beans � Yung nasa lata!)

Aling Petra: Hindi talaga kita maintindihan. Mabuti pa kaya ay i-spell mo na lang sa akin.

Boy: O ninge. Mo e Meen. Netter Mi. (O sige. Pork n Beans. Letter �P�)

Aling Petra: Letter 'B' ba?

Boy: Ine! Netter Mi as in Minimines. (Hindi! Letter �P� as in Philippines)

Aling Petra: Ha???

Boy: Mi! (Kinanta ni Boy ang alphabet) Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee..En, Em, En, O, Mi! - - Mi!

Aling Petra: Ahhh, P! Letter P! (Masiglang sagot ni Aling Petra.)

Boy: Oo. Mi! Mo e Meen! (Oo! �P�! Pork n Beans!)

Aling Petra: Sige ituloy mo Boy. 'P'...

Boy: Ngo! (�O�)

Aling Petra: Ano kamo?

Boy: (Kumanta ulit) Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, Ngo�

Aling Petra: Ahhh, titik O! P-O. Sige ituloy mo pa!

Boy: Netter Arrng (Letter �R�)

Aling Petra: Kantahin mo na lang ulit Boy.

Boy: Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, O, Mi, Ngyu, Arrng!

Aling Petra: Ahhh! Letter R. Malapit na. 'P-O-R'? Hindi ko pa rin makuha, Boy. Anong letter ang susunod?

Boy: Ngey.

Aling Petra: Letter A?

Boy: Ini ho! (Sabay buntung-hininga si Boy) Ngey! A, Ma, Nga (A-Ba-Ka-Da ang kinanta)! Nga!"

Aling Petra: Ka! Letter 'K' 'P-O-R-K' Ahhh Pork!!!

Boy: Oo!!! Mo e Meen!

Aling Petra: Pork and?

Boy: Oo!! Mo e Meen!!!

Aling Petra: Pork and Meen? Ahhhh!!! Alam ko na!!! Pork and Beans!!!

Boy: Oo! Oo!! Mo e Meen!! Mo e Meen!!!!" ang masayang sigaw ni Boy.

Aling Petra: Pork and Beans pala ang kailangan mo!!!

Boy: Oo. Mo e Meen!

Aling Petra: Hay nako!!!... Wala!!!



-The End-

[boybi]

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!


Dear Bo$$,

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.


Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh



The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:



Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.


Yours truly,
Manager

[silverbx986]

A newly married man walks in to his local drug store, and ask the man behind the counter for some condoms with pesticide.

The man behind the counter laughed and said, "You mean with spermicide."

The customer responded, "No, I mean pesticide. My wife has a bug up her butt and I am going to take care of it."

[claRkEnt]

got this from emails... pinagsama-sama ko lang...


Bugtungan
Patpat mong matigas, labas masok sa butas.
Pag iyong idiin, giniling-giling, kiliti and mararating.
Ano ito?
............ Cotton buds! Wag dumi isip ha, bad iyan.



Pulis: Bakit mo inihagis ang bata sa bintana?
Yaya: Sinunod ko lang po ang utos ng amo ko.
Sabi po ng amo ko, 'wala na tayong Pampers,
i- Huggies mo na lang si baby.



What is the most impressive example of Tolerance?
Ah! Golden Wedding Anniversary!



Applicants
Two girls nag-aaply ng work…1 matalino, 1 bobo
Matalino: Buti ka pa natanggap. Ano ba ginawa mo?
Bobo: Wala. Nung nag-fill up me ng form, nilagay ko
sa ***, sure.



Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing
Religion, ***uality and Mystery.
Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who
the father is?"



Sensitive Child
1st day in school...
Mom to teacher - Very sensitive po ang anak ko. Kung kailangan nyo po parusahan, sampalin nyo na lang po ang katabi nya. matatakot na 'yan!



Love and Marriage Cycle
1-2 yrs: magkasalo sa plato
3-5 yrs: tig-isang plato
5-7 yrs: nagbabatuhan na ng plato
8-10 yrs: wala na silang plato

That is what we call PLATOnic love!



Three brothers named Bu, Chu and Fu migrated to USA from China.
They decided to change their names:
Bu became Buck
Chu became Chuck .
Fu decided to go back to China.



Man: I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!



Do you know why bra makers measure cup size by "A B C D E F"?
A - almost gone
B - barely noticeable
C - comfortable
D - damn good
E - extremely big and
F - Fake



Learning French

City - ce vou
Drug - sha vou
Good bye - va vou
Bald - cal vou
Caught in the act - navo cou
Feathers - valahi vou
Not clear - mala vou
Cute - a cou



Chalk
Amo: 'Day, ang chalk na ito para mamatay ang ipis. Gamitin mo sa pader.
Maid : Opo, ati.
Next day ...... Nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader...
"Epes mamatay kayong lahat!"



Katapusan
Lumindol ng malakas noon.... Nagkagulo and lahat at nag-panic.
Sumigaw ang! isang lalake.. "Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa pang lalake.. "Tanga, a kinse pa lang."