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  1. Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    736
    #181
    college girl: tay, magpapa-pregnancy test po ako bukas.

    uneducated father: o sige anak, mag-aral kang mabuti para pumasa ka sa test.

  2. Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    316
    #182
    Mag-syota nag-uusap sa gilid ng dagat.

    boy: honey, ano zodiac sign mo?

    girl: (nag-iisip kasi hindi alam) ah eh ikaw muna honey

    boy: zodiac sign ko, CANCER.

    girl: ako? GOITER...

    boy: HA?! wala namang zodiac sign na GOITER ah?!

    girl:hehehe joke lang, ULCER talaga...

  3. Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    6,931
    #183
    LADY: doc, meron po akong brownish
    discharge. Parang
    na-infect.
    DR : gaano kadalas ka mag ***?
    LADY: Once a year po.
    DR : Ahh, hindi yan infection, KALAWANG
    YAN!!

    GIRL: Ang puti ng bird mo!
    BOY : Aba syempre! Likas papaya ata
    gamit ko dyan!
    GIRL: Ginagamitan mo din ba ng downy?
    BOY : Bakit, bango ba?
    GIRL: Lambot eh!

    GMA: Ano bang hinahanap mo dyan sa 3 in
    1 coffee mo at
    kanina ka pa silip nang silip dyan?
    Erap: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal!
    May nakasulat
    kasi na "Sugarfree."
    GMA: Bobo! Banda yun!

    Bitoy: Dagul, bakit ang pandak mo?
    Dagul: Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na
    ako.
    Bitoy: Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging
    pandak mo?
    Dagul: Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang
    nagpalaki sa akin!

    Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang
    maglaba, eh di
    nka2tipid sana tayo ng 2000 sa maid..
    Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw mgling sa kama ,
    eh di nakatipid
    tayo ng 7500 sa driver!
    Doc: kambal anak mo. sister mo nagbigay
    ng names
    Ina: eh tanga un doc, ano pinangalan sa
    mga anak ko?
    Doc: sa girl, DENICE.
    Ina: aba, ok un! eh sa boy?
    Doc: DENEPHEW..

    Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa
    ibabaw ni daddy??
    Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang
    tiyan ng Daddy mo.
    Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi
    hinihipan din uli yan
    ni yaya!

    A black baby was given a pair of wings
    by a fairy....
    Baby: does this mean im an angel??
    Fairy laughs....
    Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to,
    ambisyosa! Paniki
    ka!

    doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung
    lalaki kanina?
    Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos
    ako sa resulta ng AIDS test! tapos
    sasabihin pa niya...
    THINK POSITIVE pare!

    In a petshop...
    Customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy!
    can you speak ha? can you speak? BOBO!'....
    Parrot : "Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can you fly,
    ha? Can you fly? GAGO!"

    Bigo sa pag-ibig??
    Maghanap na lng ng....
    KUBA - mapagkumbaba
    PILAY - di ka tatakbuhan
    BULAG - la paki sa looks
    PIPI - di nagbibitiw ng bad words.
    at eto the best....
    DULING - di ka hahayaan mag-isa!

    Magkaibigan kumakain....
    Pedro: Anong palaman ng tinapay mo?
    Juan: Kiso!
    Pedro: Kiso? Ano ka ba nakakahiya ka!
    Hindi yan kiso!
    Chess yan.. CHESS!!

    Anong tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng
    kalsada??..... e di
    matapang!!

    Baliw1: bakit ang airplane, pag umiikot
    ang elisi,
    umaangat sa lupa?? bakit ung bintilador
    kahit umiikot,
    nasa mesa pa rin??
    Baliw2: Tanga ka pala e! kasi ung
    bintilador may
    kurdon, pinipigilan yon!

    Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR?
    Kunin ko lang
    toothbrush ko.
    Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
    Pari: Ok, antay ako.
    Sister: pasok na. wala na ako panty!

    3 Baliw sa Mental nagku2wentuhan. ..
    B1: ako presidente dito!
    B2: wala ka sa akin! ako si bush,
    presidente sa
    america !
    B1: cno nagsabi?
    B2: Ang Diyos!
    B3: At kelan kita sinabihan??

    Prof: who among u experienced having
    *** with a
    ghost??
    Juan raised his hand...
    Prof: Really?? how does it feel to have
    *** with a
    Ghost?
    Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!

    Q: Bakit tahimik magbukas ng medicine
    ang tanga??.....
    A: Ayaw niyang magising ang mga
    sleeping pills..
    Nyahaha!!

    Erap writing on a slumbook...
    Favor ite actor:
    Arnold
    Schawrze.. (erase)
    Schaw.. (erase)
    Swarzen.. (erase)
    Washen.. (erase)
    Swachen.. (erase)
    Arnold Clavio..

    Teacher: jigs, ano susunod sa 7?
    Jigs: 8 po!
    Teacher: sa 2?
    Jigs: 3 po!
    Teacher: ang galing mo! sino nagturo
    sayo?
    Jigs: tatay ko po!
    Teacher: O sige, ano susunod sa 10?
    Jigs: Jack po!

    Nasa bubong ang sakristan namboboso sa
    pari at
    madre.....
    Madre: pano pag nabuntis ako??
    Pari: bahala na ang nasa itaas!
    Sakristan: Tang ina, bakit ako?
    Nanonood lang naman ako...

  4. Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    316
    #184
    >> These are from a book called Disorder in the
    >> American Courts, and are
    >> things people actually said in court, word for word,
    >> taken down and
    >> now published by court reporters who had the torment
    >> of staying calm
    >> while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Are you ***ually active?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    >> ________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: July 18th.
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: What year?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Every year.
    >> _____________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
    >> impact?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
    >> your memory at all?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Yes.
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
    >> memory?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: I forget.
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
    >> something you forgot?
    >> _____________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with
    >> you?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
    >> remember which.
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    >> _____________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
    >> to you that morning?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
    >> involved in voodoo?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: We both do.
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: We do.
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: You do?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
    >> person dies in his
    >> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
    >> morning?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    >> ___________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
    >> old is he?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    >> ________________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
    >> taken?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    >>
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
    >> was August 8th?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Yes.
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Uh...
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Yes.
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: None.
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: By death.
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
    >> pursuant to a
    >> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
    >> you performed on dead
    >> people?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
    >> people.
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
    >> school did you go to?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Oral.
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
    >> the body?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
    >> why I was doing an
    >> autopsy on him!
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Huh?
    >>
    >>
    >> ______________________________________
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
    >> did you check for a
    >> pulse?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: No.
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: No.
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: No.
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
    >> was alive when you
    >> began the autopsy?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: No.
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
    >> a jar.
    >>
    >>
    >> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been
    >> alive, nevertheless?
    >>
    >>
    >> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
    >> alive and practicing
    >> law.

  5. Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    6,931
    #185
    OT:Tinanong ko minsan barkada kong abugado re sa mga ganyang bloopers, sabi niya minsan daw kasama sa play yung mga tanong na wala sa ayos o kaya ganyang parang nangga gago, just to test or to find cracks on a witness's story. Wala lang just sayin, but pero masaya parin basahin.

  6. Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    729
    #186
    haha the best yan lawyer jokes. am gonna copy it and send it to friends taking up law :D

  7. Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    316
    #187
    From Reader's Digest.

    Bubba

    Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

    So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

    Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

    "President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.

    Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

    So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

    After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

    The new Pope," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."

    So, off they fly to Rome.

    Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

    He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

    Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?

    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,

    "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

  8. Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    2,449
    #188
    Quote Originally Posted by garfield_08 View Post
    From Reader's Digest.

    Bubba

    Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

    So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

    Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

    "President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.

    Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

    So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

    After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

    The new Pope," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."

    So, off they fly to Rome.

    Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

    He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

    Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?

    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,

    "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

    haha. . .bubba will always be bubba. . .he's really famous, we've known each other for a long time

  9. Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    316
    #189
    Isang araw sa Supermarket

    PROMO GIRL: Ma’am free taste po!

    MISIS: (tumikim ng isa) Bakit ganito lasa? Lasang bulok!

    PROMO GIRL: Ayaaan! Ganyan po ang mangyayari sa pagkain ninyo kapag hindi ninyo nilagay sa ref! Kaya bili na kayo ng ref namin!

    ********************************************

    PACMAN: It flash to my nose tree times for they buy dead by too?

    DIONISIA: Beri easy, e di equals portin!

    ********************************************

    If CINDERELLA’s slippers fit perfectly, why did it fall off along the way?

    Maybe it speaks of one thing: ANG LANDI NYA!

    Iniwan nya para habulin siya!

    Si LITTLE MERMAID gusto magkaron ng legs para MAKABUKAKA!

    Si SLEEPING BEAUTY nagtutulog-tulugan para MAHALIKAN!

    Si SNOW WHITE nagpatay-patayan para GAPANGIN!

    Pansin mo? Puro KALANDIAN ang turo ng FAIRY TALES!

    Buti pa si DORA, PASYAL-PASYAL lang!

    *********************************************

    PEDRO: Miss, pabili nga ng BALLPEN

    MISS: Sorry po Sir, wala kaming ballpen

    (Inis na lumabas si Pedro sa tindahan)

    PEDRO: My Gosh! PENSHOPPE walang ballpen!

    **********************************************


    JUAN: Manong, kukunin ko na daw po yung kaldero sabi ni tatay.

    MANONG: Uy, Juan ikaw pala! Kamusta ka na? Nag-aaral ka ba?

    JUAN: Opo, college na po ako.

    MANONG: Talaga? Ano naman kinukuha mo?

    JUAN: KALDERO po!

  10. Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    21,656
    #190
    Dad: anak ano gusto mo barbie o superman?
    boy: superman po
    Dad: good!
    (bumalik yung tatay na may dalang superman na laruan)
    boy:yehey
    boy: buti nalang umalis na si dad ang pogi mo naman superman bakat pa ang muscles mo.



Joke Time!