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  1. Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    49
    #171
    Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father
    was trying to read. The family dog was at there too, and, on hearing the
    screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnny’s father listened to the dog and
    the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper
    on the floor and yelled, ‘For God’s sake, can’t you play something the dog
    doesn’t know?’

  2. Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    49
    #172
    Bata nagdadasal: Jesus, sana po si Rizal nalang ang pumatay kay Magellan.

    narinig ng Tatay: Bakit naman anak?

    Bata: Yun po kasi sagot ko sa Test eh..

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A fat farmer was in the CR trying to flush his s.hit
    when suddenly the toilet bowl broke and burst,
    it flooded into the wheat fields,


    and POOF!
    it became COCO CRUNCH...

  3. Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    49
    #173
    A nun and a priest and a camel

    A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
    On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
    After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
    "I know father.", the nun answered.
    "In fact, I don't think it is likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
    "I agree." said the nun.
    "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
    "Anything father."
    "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
    "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
    The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
    "Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
    She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
    "Father, could I ask something of you?"
    "Yes sister?"
    "I have never seen a man's pe.nis. Could I see yours?"
    "I suppose that would be OK", the priest replied lifting his robe.
    "Oh father, may I touch it?"
    The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
    "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
    "Is that true father?"
    "Yes it is, sister."
    "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ars so we can get the hell out of here?"

  4. Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    49
    #174
    The barber

    A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
    "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
    "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
    "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
    "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
    "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
    A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
    "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
    "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
    "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."
    "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
    "He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

  5. Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    49
    #175
    Girl: "Sir , sir i need to go to the bathroom!!"
    Sir: "Sorry But we are In the middle of Our English Lesson."
    Girl : "But sir i really really need to go to the bathroom!"
    Sir: "Okay, as long as you say the alphabet to me first.?"
    Girl: "OK, ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ !"
    Sir: "Where is the 'P' ?"
    Girl :" Running down my leg !"

  6. Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    49
    #176
    New Boss

    A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
    The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
    On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
    The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
    He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week? A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, I make $400 a week. Why?
    The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.
    'Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the roomand asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?
    "From across the room came a voice,
    'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

  7. Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    49
    #177
    Me Tarzan, You Jane...

    One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for ***.
    "What's that?" he asked.
    She explained to him what *** was and he said,
    "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
    Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
    She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs.
    "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
    Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
    "What the hell did you do that for?"
    "Tarzan check for squirrels."
    :bwahaha::bwahaha:

  8. Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    2,554
    #178
    unso: nanay si kuya dali nagpapakamatay!

    nanay: bakit anak asan ang kuya mo?

    bunso: asa kwarto po nakita ko tirik ang mata tuwid ang paa sinusuntok ang itlog...

    nanay: nakanang!
    __________________

  9. Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    2,554
    #179
    A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

    It doesn't have any feet or legs.

    The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

    The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

    I'm a defective parrot.'

    'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

    'You actually understood and answered me. !'

    'I got every word,' says the parrot.

    'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

    'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

    'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

    'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

    You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

    'Wow,' says the guy.

    'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

    'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

    I'm especially good at ornithology.

    You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

    The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

    'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

    'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

    You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

    The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

    Weeks go by.

    The parrot is sensational.

    He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

    The guy is delighted.

    One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

    'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

    'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

    'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

    'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

    'THEN what happened?'

    'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

    'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

    'Yes.

    Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

    Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

    I DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

  10. Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    21,656
    #180
    Obob na asawa ...

    WIFE :
    gusto ko magpadagdag ng boobs !
    HUSBAND : huh ? hindi ba masagwa yun ? magiging tatlo ?

    ---

    Moves. :hysterical:

    Boy : Pwede ba kita maging syota ?
    Girl : Hindi.
    Boy : Naiintindihan mo ba sinabi ko ?
    Girl : Oo naman.
    Boy : Sige nga, ano ?
    Girl : Pwede ba kita maging syota.
    Boy : SURE !

    :bwahaha:

Joke Time!