[Merged] Just for Laughs

[Taurus]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.


"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had *** all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly, and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.
Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry" she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room."Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.


Around 2 a.m. the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I
stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a
damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar, and ordered a beer.

"Certainly. Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where 's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said
weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

[j_avonni]

Hotel Bill


A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have." explains the manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The mnager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manger.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

This one is good! He he he . . .


:coffee: [SIZE="1"]3340[/SIZE]

[donski]

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tyred.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[donski]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

**********

Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

**********

For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

**********

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

**********

Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car

**********

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

**********

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.

**********

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often ?

[Horsepower]

iPhone Flight delay Ad spoof:

[bavent]

Happy New po sa lahat ng tsikoteers.



A Chemistry teacher asked a ***y student, "What are NITRATES?
The student replied shyly, "Ma'am, sa motel po. NITRATES are higher than day
rates!"

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

WHO'S GUILTY?
Wife dreaming in the middle of the night suddenly shouts, "Quick, my husband
is back!"
Man gets up, jumps out the window and realizes, "Damn! I am the husband!"

Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?
Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!

Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
Juan: Ba kit , gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay! >

Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang sabihin
kung may basketbol sa langit. Naunang namatay si Dado.
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
"Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?" usisa ni Rodel. Oo naman!" tugon ni Dado.
"Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel. "O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa
langit?"
Sagot ni Dado, "May maganda at masama akong balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda,
may basketbol doon. Ang masama... kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!"
(ngek!)

Usapan ng dalawang bata...
Junjun: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, 'yang Pacific Ocean , siya ang
humukay nun!
Pedrito: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo 'yung Dead Sea ?
Junjun: Oo...
Pedrito: Siya ang pumatay nun!

Misis: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway Mabuti
pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon! Mabuti pa siguro,
sumama na ako sa 'yo!

Misis: Delayed ako nang one month pero huwag mo munang ipagsabi. Nahihiya
ko...
Mister: Okey.
Kinabukasan, dumating ang taga-Meralco. .
Taga-Meralco: Misis, delayed po kayo ng one month.
Misis: Ha? Ba kit mo alam?
Taga-Meralco: Nasa record po.
Mister: Ba kit Naka-record diyan na delayed ang misis ko?
Taga-Meralco: Kung gusto ninyong mawala sa record, magbayad kayo!
Mister: Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
Taga-Meralco: Puputulan kayo!
Mister: Eh anong gagamitin ni misis?
Tag-Meralco: Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila .

Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan pa rin!

Sa isang classroom...
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.

Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap
na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
Itay: 'Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car!

Rodrigo: Ba kit bad trip ka?
Harry: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
Rodrigo: Ba kit naman?
Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
Rodrigo: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
Harry: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins!

[jmjkidd5]

[alwayz_yummy]

[size=3]THE MISSING PART[/size]

One day, an auto parts sales clerk was was aproached by a woman who looks very weary and troubled. She said she had a car who lost an engine part and she needs a new one for a replacement.

The store clerk asks "What part do you need?, The woman replied "I need a seven-hundred-ten."

The store clerk confused asks "What on earth is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The clerk gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. The clerk then took the woman over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She proudly pointed at it and said, "Of course, its right there."





Do you want to see seven-hundred-ten too?

just click this--> :hysterical:

[bavent]

An Old Lady Saying:IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[badsekktor]

Honeymoon...
BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!

BF : May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman...
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi... PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!

JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?


Sa Math Class...

Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang
piraso na?
Banong: 2 po mam!
Teacher: At kung hnati ko pa pareho?
Banong: 4 na piraso po!
Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
Banong: 8 piraso po.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
Banong: 16 po mam.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
Banong: 32 piraso na po!
Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING napo! GINILING!!!


SA BAKERY
Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto
pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?


ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.
TATAY: ano ung danktrak?
ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin?
TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un...TEN MILLER!!!

BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali!
Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di 'nyo na ako mahal!
AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak?
BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!!


Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino b talaga ang
anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!



(Sa loob ng Mall)
GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...



NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?

FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class


Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:
-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!


inspiring quote of the day:
"hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko."


'dear te, dear te, dear te!!!' (dirty pala!!!!)
-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang
naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.


MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly.


TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.


AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such
unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
NOSEBLEED!!


BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!