[Merged] Just for Laughs

[TEAL]

God's Gift to Adam

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"

Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."

God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."

[FrankDrebin]

Inflation was getting out of hand so Joe suggested to his wife, Louise, that they try a unique way to save some
money on the side. 'Every time I lay you, I'll give you a dollar for your piggy bank,' he said. A few weeks later,
they decided to open the piggy bank. Out tumbled a bunch of dollars, but these were mixed with a rich cluster
of fives, tens and twenties. 'Louise,' asked Joe, 'where did you get all that money? Each time we made love I
only gave you a dollar.' 'So?' she said. 'Do you think everyone is as stingy as you?'

:D



Amo : Inday, Pagdating ng Buyer ng Bahay, Sabihin mo nag-sesecond thought pa kami ng Sir mo.
Maid : Upu Mam !
later.....................
Buyer : Saan ang Amo mo ?
Maid : Si Sir Po at Si Mam eh...nagsisikentut pa pu.

:D



One day while walking down the street, a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her
soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven", said St Peter.
"Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem! You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human
Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to," replied St Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in
Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven." said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules...." and with that, St
Peter put the executive into an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping
out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a Country Club and standing in front of her were all her
friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran
up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and, at night, went to
the Country Club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil - who was actually a nice guy
[kinda cute!] and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a goot time that, before she knew it, it was
time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and
opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds playing the harp and
singing. She had a great time and, before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a
day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." he said. The woman paused for a second and
then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell".

So, St Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put
his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a Country Club and we ate
lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now, all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled.

"Yesterday, we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

:D

[TEAL]

hahaha Frank, OK yung "nagsesecond thought"!!!!

[FrankDrebin]

Ano ba ang Pinoy Action Movie?

Laging umiikot ang istorya sa paghihiganti:

Ni-rape ang kapatid ng bida o pinatay ang kamag-anak nya (nanay,tatay, ate, kuya, kinakapatid,
kabiyak, anak, pinsan, tiyo, tiya, lolo,lola,
ninong, ninang, apo, apo sa tuhod, apo sa
talampakan, ninuno)

Isa sa mga eksena e babastusin sya o syota nya ng
mga nag-iinumang istambay.


Magkakagulo sa isang okasyon (kaarawan, kasal,
binyag, burol)

Hindi nakakaramdam ng sakit ang bida sa bakbakan,
pero sisigaw ito at aaray pag ginagamot na ang mga sugat nya ng isang babae.

Smoker at mabisyo lagi ang kontrabida.
Lagi itong may mga uto-utong tauhan o "mga bata".
At laging naka-jacket kahit tanghaling tapat kadalasan pa ay mga itim na leather jackets.

Ang kuta ng mga kalaban e sa warehouse o malaking bahay, at madalas pa dito na rin nangyayari yung final bakbakan scene.

Lagi ding may eksena sa isang beer house.

May seksing leading lady at may love scene na pwedeng ikwento sa
Abante.

Marunong sa bakbakan ang babae, at kung isang lalake lang naman eh kayang-kaya nitong patumbahin.

Kung ma-co-corner ang bida, hindi ito papatayin,ikukulong lang muna.

Mag-uusap ang bida at ang mortal na kalaban nito habang nag-tutukan ng baril .... mahabang pag-uusap, tila baga mag-syotang nasa telepono.


May malalakas na pagpapasabog kahit na hindi naman kailangan.

Walang malalakas na pagpapasabog kahit na kailangan.
Kahit ano sumasabog pag binaril. Pati puno, sumasabog.

Mura lang ang baril at pwede itong itapon kung wala nang bala.

Makakapulot ang bida ng baril na may bala tuwing kinakailangan.

Marunong at asintado sa baril ang leading lady kahit na hindi pa siya nakakahawak nito sa buong buhay nya.

Kaya ng bida ang dalawampung tao sa bakbakan dahil hindi naman sila sumusugod ng sabay-sabay, laging isa-isa, parang sayaw.

Hindi tinatamaan ng bala ang bida kahit na tatlumpung tao ang bumabaril sa kanya, pero lahat sila tinatamaan nya. Laging sa lupa tumatama ang bala ng kaaway.

Tamaan man sya ng bala ay laging daplis lang ...hindi pwedeng sa ulo o sa puso.

Siyam (9) ang buhay ng bida.

Doble pa nito ang buhay ng leading lady.

Kung mamamatay man ang isa sa kanila eh makakapagsalita pa ito ng isang page ng script bago malagutan ng hininga.

Huli darating ang maraming pulis ... at wala silang pakialam sa bida, kahit na involved ito sa riot!

PELIKULA NGA TALAGA!!!

[kimpOy]

and dont forget kahit mayaman ang bida/kontrabida laging bulok ang kotse niya sa car chase scene,

laging may tindahan ng gulay na tutumbok ng kotse sa car chase scene.

dati halos sa fairview ang car chase scene.

kapag comedy sigurado may sing and dance number sa park o sa resort.

[TEAL]

Guardian Angel on the Job

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[TEAL]

Substitute at the Pearly Gates

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter came by and the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter asked the woman to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

[bardigones]

drebin,

nakalimutan mo yata yung kotse na rumarampa sa "car chase".

tapos sasabog. hehehe.

[bardigones]

===================
===================

IN the Hospital:

Patient: So Doc, what's the problem?

Doctor: im sorry to tell you this but "may taning na buhay mo", you only have 10 more to live.....

Patient: Ano dok? 10 years? 10 months?

Doctor: (looks at watch) 9...8...7...6......

[luloym]

A school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to See Rock City and was fascinated."The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate'."Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

[ssaloon]

nice door knocker

[ssaloon]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "Ok, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a catch."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000.00"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again!"

[Litespeed]

LOL !!!!

[Ungas]

:bwahaha: Best joke I've read so far. :bwahaha:

[luloym]

SPECIAL REPORT - - SPECIAL REPORT - - SPECIAL REPORT
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. . . . .

Among the brothers:
Sooflay... the restaurateur
Guday... the half-Australian brother
Huray... the sports fanatic
Sashay... the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay... the twins from the African mother
Sayhay... the baseball player
Ojay... the stalker/murderer
Gulay... the singer/entertainer
Ebay... the Internet czar
Biliray... the country music star
Ecksray... the radiologist
Puray... the blender factory owner
Regay... the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay... the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:
Pusay... the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay... the coffee shop owner
Bufay... the 300 pound sister
Dushay... the clean sister
Gudlay... the prostitute

[ssaloon]

TANDANG TANDA NAMIN NI KUYA ANG SAYA AT LUMBAY SA PODER NILA INAY AT
ITAY...LALO NA ANG MGA MAGAGANDANG LESSONS NA NATUTUNAN NAMIN SA
KANILA!

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako ng HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas. Mga *******
kayo,
kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay.
"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"

3. Si Itay, tinuruan niya kami ni Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng TIME
TRAVEL.
"Kung di kayo tumigil ng pagngangawa diyan, tatadyakan ko kayo ng todo
hanggang umabot kayo sa isang linggo!"

4. Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC.
"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."

5. Kay Inay din ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC.
"Kapag ikaw ay nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang magisa ang manonood
ng
sine."

6. Kay Itay naman natuto ng FORESIGHT si Kuya.
"Siguraduhin mo na lagi kang mag susuot ng malinis na brief, para pag
nakascore ka sa syota mo e di kahihiyahiya."

7. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sahibin ng
IRONY.
"Sige ngumalngal ka, kung di bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

8. Kay Inay ako natuto ng science of OSMOSIS.
"*******, itigil mo ang kadadakdak at tapusin mong kainin ang
inihanda kong
hapunan para sa iyo."

9. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM.
"Tignan mo nga yan dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tignan mo?!?"

10. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng
STAMINA.
"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo natatapos kainin lahat yan
gulay mo!"

11. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng WEATHER.
"Alangya, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng
bagyo!"

12. CIRCLE OF LIFE, ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay ay ganito:
"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang
alisin
sa mundong ito."

13. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Tatadyakan kita diyan, huwag ka ngang maguumarte diyan ng parang
Nanay
mo!"

14. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng
ENVY.
"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang, di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at
mayroon
kayong magulang na tulad namin?."

15. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION.
"Tangna kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay...."!

16. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung ano ibig sabihin ng
RECEIVING.
"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay....!"

17. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa aking kung ano ang HUMOR.
"Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawn mover, wag
na wag
kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpohin kita!"

18. Kay Itay naman natuto si Kuya ng HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"Kung di ka matutong magbati, eh di ka nga tatangkad."

19. Si Inay ang nagturo sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS.
"Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya."

20. Kay Inay din ako natuto ng WISDOM.
"Pag umabot ka na ng edad ko, saka mo pa lang maiintindihan ang
lahat."

21. At ang paborito ko sa lahat na natutunan ko kay Inay at Itay ay
kung
ano
ang JUSTICE.
"Isang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak, panalangin namin na sana'y
matulad
sila sa yo... haliparot!"

[ssaloon]

An eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her Mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?

I want to know!

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man,
with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit step out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father,
the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000, 000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage.

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:

"You'll f**k her again!"

[Ungas]

[SIZE=3]Balete Drive Story[/SIZE]


>
> There was this guy named MARK. One night, he was walking all alone sa
> Balete Drive (e di ba, that road is infamous for having ghosts daw,
> white ladies and stuff??) Tapos sobrang dilim ng paligid, walang
> katao-tao...
>
> tapos habang naglalakad siya, may narinig siyang tumawag sa name
> niya... "MARK! MARK! MARK!" Lumingon siya, pero, WALANG TAO!!!
> Binilisan niya yung lakad, tapos may tumatawag pa rin sa kanya!!!
> "MARK! MARK! MARK!" Lumingon siya pero WALA PA RIN!!! Tumakbo na siya
> pero hinahabol pa rin siya talaga ng boses! "MARK! MARK! MARK!"
>
> When he got to the corner of Balete Drive and E. Rodriguez he saw a large sign, and written on
>
>
>
>
>
>
> it, in LARGE BOLD LETTERS... "BEWARE... NGONGONG ASO"

:bwahaha: :bwahaha: :bwahaha:

[TEAL]

Paging John Edward

There was this couple, Mary and John, who believed they would return in another life.

They got married and, as part of their wedding vows, promised that if one died, the other would attend a seance exactly four weeks later and contact the other.

Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow and visits a seance four weeks later. It went something like this:

Mary: "Is there anybody there? I'm seeking my deceased husband John. Is he there?"

Strange, booming voice: "Mary? Is that you, Mary?"

Mary: "Yes John, is that you?"

John: "Yes, it's me."

Mary: "How are things where you are, John? What's it like?"

John: "Great, Mary. Everyday after breakfast we make love until lunchtime, which lasts about half-hour, then we make love until dinner. After dinner, we make love until we fall asleep. It's great. I can't wait until you get here."

Mary (shocked): "Is that what Heaven's like?"

John: "I'm not in Heaven."

Mary (fearing the worst): "Then where are you?"

John: "I'm a rabbit in Florida!"

[Ungas]

TERRIBLY TRUE TRUISM'S

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.