Dealing with my Anger after Wife Confessed Affair

[Walter]

You want to know how to deal with your anger against the guy? IGNORE IT AND MOVE ON, because he's a loser who's not worth your time. Plotting how to get even with him will only show your wife that you're a bigger jerk than the one she dropped for you.

I go with safeorigin's suggestion. Instead of trying to waste your time and effort going after a total stranger, it would be more productive for you to just channel all that energy into revitalizing your relationship with your wife instead.

Sure, you get your revenge against the guy, but there'll be countless other guys waiting in the wings once you start neglecting your wife again; I doubt if your resources would be enough to deal with all of them. However, if you focus more on being a loving and sensitive spouse, then your wife is bound to think twice before engaging in another affair. That's a better guarantee against future marital indiscretions.

Agree. Save your resources and channel your energy to your family and work.

[ghosthunter]

Get his information including is name, vehicle(s) he owns, place where he lives and works and possibly the people around him as well. Basically, make it your hobby to make his life miserable.

Revenge is sweet and is a dish best served cold.

[mbeige]

I think, in my opinion, you are angry at yourself for letting things take the course you did not intend to let happen, but you are just looking for ways to get even with the person who you think caused all this. In your story, you've admitted to being a bad husband in your own ways, and she has been a bad wife to you in her own ways as well.

I think you two deserve to simply "kiss and make up" and mend things before they finally become irreparable. Your wife realized that your relationship is worth saving, so she did not advance her affair any bit more. On the other hand, you realized that your relationship is worth saving, and have admitted to neglecting your wife and family. I believe it is now your turn to change things and put them in perspective.

Disregard the offending guy, there are ways to shut them out from your life now that your wife is back on your side. And by changing things, I meant in a more positive way. Revenge is indeed, a dish served best cold. But that will give an impression that you're still a cold person only after revenge, and not after winning her back. Your primary goal right now is to truly win her back, as the rest have suggested. Show her the warmth that she deserves, and I'm sure she will gladly, gladly return the favor a thousand fold. Once you two have won each others' hearts once more, you'll have no more reason to seek revenge.

[Memphis Raines]

Mbeige couldn't have said it better. Always the sensible guy here

Although it is but natural for us to immediately seek revenge, for me that is the pleasure of the feeble minded. Don't let the other guy get the best of you and let Karma take its course on him.

Win her back. That is simply much sweeter. Kaya mo yan pre :thumbup:

.

[bad driver]

I think there's a saying, and I'm poorly paraphrasing:

If someone burns your house, put out the fire first before going after the arsonist. I think you have to prioritize fixing and rekindling your relationship with your wife.

Beating him up should just be the icing on the cake if you really, really want it... and up for more trouble and complications.

[safeorigin]

i think the TS got the point. should be enough. any updates though?

[creepy]

I think that you should go after the guy and try to wreck his life. Para matuto naman siya.

But do it only after you fix your own.

I disagree with those who advise the threadstarter to just disregard him. Someone has to give him what he deserves (so he doesn't try it on anyone else). That someone might as well be you.

[LAcars]

Two (2) wrongs do not make one (1) right.

[angryhubby]

Well, in spite of the caveat that I am not asking for marital advice, I certainly got quite a bit from a lot of well-meaning people.

Except for one person recently, I've had no one to talk to about this. Partly ashamed, and partly protecting my wife and myself from the snide remarks. Oh man, got a beating from her friends though, but in fairness, they all still hoped that we'd get our relationship on track. I chose the men (and women) of Tsikot to air out my grievances, and it seems I’ve done the correct thing.

The past two weeks I have done everything possible to make up for my deficiencies, not just to her, but the kids as well. I've been coming home as early as possible and make a conscious effort not to talk or think about work. I tried getting my sisters to watch the kids for a night so we could go out, but their own scheds wouldn't allow it. Still I made my presence relevant as much as possible. I can just imagine my phone bill next month with all the calls and texts. I've done the senti thing by reminding her of all the wonderful moments we've shared. With age, we've grown, physically, so we’re planning to have our rings resized. I've always frowned on PDA, but we've been pretty guilty of it the past days.

On a few nights, we've had flashes, and the thing was brought out again in the open, but always to resolve it further. In short, it's been a pretty good two weeks and I was feeling very confident that we are on-track.

I may have agreed to the advice to just ignore it and move on, then yesterday, something strange. We had just awakened because her phone received a message. I wanted to look at it but she refused, afterwards gave me this convoluted but plausible story, so I just shrugged it off. Later, she becomes weirdly malambing, but who am I to complain. Of course at some point, I snuck a look at her phone. Whatever message was received had been deleted along with the reply. In fact, most of the messages had been deleted and only the innocuous ones were remaining, and I know for a fact that she'd been sending messages a lot. I talked to her about it, and she said I shouldn't worry, that she'll tell me if the guy contacts her. I'm not convinced, but I let it slide. She's now pissed at me. Later, as I got out of the CR, she stuffs her phone quickly under the pillow. I'm already freaked out. When she did go to sleep, I got her phone to look at it.

It was off and in silent mode, something we don't do at home. When i turned it on, 2 messages came in but they turned out to be harmless. And of course she wakes up, and another fight.

She said she'd been deleting her messages because she thought I was still reading them (I used to, but not for more than a week), and she did not want me to read the messages she sends to her friends ABOUT THE GUY, and that I should know her enough to trust her, etc. etc. She knows "ma-pride" ako, and she's afraid I'll get enough info how to find him, and do something. She wouldn't accept my explanation that it was her own acts which triggered me. As before, we went to bed back to back, but made up in the morning.

It's not always true, but normally the simplest explanation is the correct one. I don't know it for a fact, but the simplest explanation for her evasive behavior is that the guy is still contacting her. I was blind to it the past months, and may have been the past two weeks. In the end, I will giver her the benefit of the doubt, but I will try to still verify.

I suppose I am looking for some form of revenge, but I would like to qualify that it should be proportional to the deed done. Medyo overstated naman siguro yung mga comment na wag akong unang bumunot. I have no plans of blood spilling from this. In my pondering moments, I have imagined smashing in his windshield or slashing his tires, leaving a clue who did it. Or sometimes his face. Very cowardly, but satisfying.

I play with the idea of phoning or meeting him and, at the least, making him aware that there's a real person that has been profoundly hurt by what has happened, and that person will not be idly leaving it to cosmic forces to protect what is most important to him, and is prepared to actively resist any threat.

I am ready to accept the fact if the guy was truly sincere in his feelings for her and that he's really separated from his wife, but as a guy, I think this stinks of crap. What I hate the most is the fact that she is still protecting the idea that he was a really thoughtful and concerned person, but right now all i can picture is some boylet with a hard-on craving to stick her as a trophy.

Very soon, I will hopefully have his contact number, and I will try to get all the details that I can. Again, I still do not know what I will do. Probably nothing immediately. I will sleep on it several times.

I thank you guys for the sage advice, though I am not (yet) prepared to take a lot of it. I like the metaphor of the burning house, and how you should primarily put it out, yet you still get the arsonist in the end. I do not scoff at leaving things to karma, and certainly continue to view it as the rational thing to do. But I still wonder if there is an appropriate and proportional action that I can do.

[daimengrui]

I would say not to pursue revenge because it will open a new avenue of possible conflicts and even danger. Remember you have kids and who knows what crimes this person can be capable of. Crimes of passion in this country is on the rise so it is best not to taunt the offender into doing something terrible.

Seek marriage counseling and get the maximum protection of the law by getting a restraining order against the person in intruding in your personal life. I give you a kudos for managing to forgive your better half. It must be a painful ordeal for the both of you.