Dealing with my Anger after Wife Confessed Affair

[angryhubby]

Two weeks ago, I arrived late from work and got into an argument with my wife. At one point, she was telling me about all the sacrifices she makes for the family, in spite of the temptations, and suddenly confessed that she’d had an emotional affair with someone.

These past few months, I haven’t been the best of husbands. I’ve started a new career and was too focused on it. Meanwhile my family’s finances have been at a relative low and we let go of our maids and transferred to a more affordable residence. Before she told me, I would have laughed at the idea of her having an affair, because I thought I knew her these past 15 years. Always haven’t been very malambing, and been the stereotype silent, macho type. I’ve never trusted emotions too much because they fade.

My wife has taken the brunt of the changes. She left behind her very close neighborhood friends, and found herself again as a full blown house wife, taking care of the kids and the house, literally alone. To add to this, my normal insensitivity increased with my attention drawn to work, oftentimes bringing stuff home on weekends, and leaving the rest of the family to go out to the mall while I stayed behind.

Two months ago, my wife suddenly received a text message from some guy who knew her name, claiming he’d found it written on a piece of paper. My wife tried to send her off, but the guy was persistent. Eventually she texted back, and this started a “friendly” relationship.

A month later, they met for lunch, and in a span of two weeks, they met about 8 times. The guy began to become more amorous in his approach and showered her with constant attention through calls and text messages. In short, she became enamored with him and the tone of their messages became romantic and flirtatious.

At one point, the guy asked what she thought of them “making love” and even asked her to come with him on a vacation. My wife confessed at one point she’d texted that she loved him. It was in text that they were more daring in their communication; face to face, it was quite subdued. Though he tried several times, she wouldn’t let him hold her hand.

At some point, natauhan asawa ko. She started dropping hints to the guy to let go, and later met with him to explain why it wasn’t going to happen. He called one time after that, crying, but she would not reconsider. A week later she told me the story.

I love my wife, and believe her (not just her word, but with a little independent info also) In truth, many years ago, I did far-worse things so I’m no saint, though I’ve worked hard at being one this past decade.

I believe our relationship is all right now. I’ve told her how deeply hurt I felt by what she did. I also admitted that I had been a bad husband the past 6 months, with the caveat that I looked at these two matters as only related, but there should be no causal relationship between them.

Dealing with the wounded feelings is difficult and consuming, and posting this through an alternick, I suppose, is one of the ways I am still processing this. I am indeed thankful it did not go too far, and that she ended it herself.

Discovery of infidelity brings about a myriad of emotions. I don’t want marital advice, I NEED HELP DEALING WITH MY ANGER AT THE GUY. He knew she was married, and said he was married too, but separated. Yeah right. I’ve used that line before also.

She refuses to let me know his full name or his circumstances, but I have already devised ways how to find him, and with today’s technology and my resources, it can be done, and I believe I will succeed. I have played it cool all this time, but all these days I have contemplated on how I will get my pound of flesh.

I will go as far as getting his details. Then what should I do? I don’t know what is considered fair and reasonable under the circumstances, or whether I should do anything at all. I have the balls to confront this guy, or devious enough to let his wife know.

Please let me know what you think. If anything, it will help me with processing this. Thanks.

[alwayz_yummy]

pagdasal mo nalang siya na karmahin siya. as for your wife, nadala lang yun sa pananalita ng guy noong una kasi partly fault mo din, in the end naisip ka nya. on your part, jaust have time.pag magkasama kayo, leave the work... basta, balance the is the key for the relationship.

as for the guy-- 1st step - palit kayo ng cellphone or palitan mo ang cellphone number ng wife mo, he will bound to contact your wife..be alert.. kung mapili, pwede mo demanda ung guy, pero wag ikaw ang unang bubunot ng patalim dahil in a legal sense, talo ka parin, sinira mo lang buhay mo...

trust is hard to build, pero be proud, sinabi din sa yo ng wife mo yan at pinilit nyang itigil ang maaring mangyari sa kanila...

[safeorigin]

hmmm... to justify her honesty, its best to keep her with you. try mong "ligawan" siya ulit. maybe you can win her heart back that way, afterall, she decided to marry you in the first place. she won't be able to resist a remake of the past

[Bogeyman]

You want to know how to deal with your anger against the guy? IGNORE IT AND MOVE ON, because he's a loser who's not worth your time. Plotting how to get even with him will only show your wife that you're a bigger jerk than the one she dropped for you.

I go with safeorigin's suggestion. Instead of trying to waste your time and effort going after a total stranger, it would be more productive for you to just channel all that energy into revitalizing your relationship with your wife instead.

Sure, you get your revenge against the guy, but there'll be countless other guys waiting in the wings once you start neglecting your wife again; I doubt if your resources would be enough to deal with all of them. However, if you focus more on being a loving and sensitive spouse, then your wife is bound to think twice before engaging in another affair. That's a better guarantee against future marital indiscretions.

[iho250]

You want to know how to deal with your anger against the guy? IGNORE IT AND MOVE ON, because he's a loser who's not worth your time. Plotting how to get even with him will only show your wife that you're a bigger jerk than the one she dropped for you.

I go with safeorigin's suggestion. Instead of trying to waste your time and effort going after a total stranger, it would be more productive for you to just channel all that energy into revitalizing your relationship with your wife instead.

Sure, you get your revenge against the guy, but there'll be countless other guys waiting in the wings once you start neglecting your wife again; I doubt if your resources would be enough to deal with all of them. However, if you focus more on being a loving and sensitive spouse, then your wife is bound to think twice before engaging in another affair. That's a better guarantee against future marital indiscretions.

Amen!!!

very well said!

angryhubby, i think you found the answers you were looking for!

[v6dreamer]

Once one has become unfaithful the marriage vows are broken - u should both go to church and ask a pastor or priest for help if u want to save your marriage.

As w/ the other person, just let it go. Learn to forgive, rather than trying to found out who would that be.

[cablespy]

I agree with the previous posters. Use your energy for positive things nalang.

No need for revenge when it was partly your fault din for neglecting your wife.

[empy]

i'd be more upset with your wife for not dealing with you up front and telling you what she was lacking from you...instead of seeking it from another guy. but if you are choosing to forgive her, especially since she came to her senses before taking it to another level, then you should put your energy into that and not so much on revenge...

i know, easier said than done.

btw...alternick, huh? sino kaya yung main handle mo? ;)

[MXFX]

i wouldve felt the same anger and hatred if this ever happen to me. here's my take:

all of you have faults in this situation. you said yourself how you have been lately. your wife for nearly getting involve instead of dealing with you. the other guy who is married too and tried to get your wife.

cant get angry at just one person. on the slightly less hateful side, your wife decided to end the affair in the making, and most importantly informed you. you should focus instead on your relationship instead of anything else at this point. things will heal but will take a lot of time and effort.

in case the guy continues to attempt anything with your wife, how about threatening him that you will contact his family? then ask him to sign on this site and start a thread "im having an affair and my family was notified" .

[theveed]

Just change her SIM card...