Joke Time!

[Monseratto]

Q: Why does a man marry?

A: Lack of experience

Q: Why does he divorce?

A: Lack of patience

Q: Why does he remarry?

A: Lack of memory

[Hanren]

Anak: Itay! May manok sa kusina! Tinutuka ‘yung bigas!
Itay: Paalisin mo!
Anak: Oy, manok! Alis ka raw!
Itay: Tanga! Takutin mo kasi!

Anak: Manok, mumu ako! Awoooo!
Itay: Hindi ganyan. Bugawin mo!

Anak: Boss, chicks? P50 lang, oh!

[garfield_08]

THE SILENT DEBATE

Italians and the Jews
>
> Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the
Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
>
> There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so
the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious
> Debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
>
> If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy .
>
> If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.
>
> The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise,
Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate.
> However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no
Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a
> "silent" debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi
Moshe sat opposite each other.
>
> The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
> Next...the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi
Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.
> The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice
of wine. Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple.
>
> With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was
beaten.. That Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that
> The Jews could stay in Italy .
>
> Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what
had happened.
>
> The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity.
>
> He responded by holding up one finger to remind me
that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
>
> Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him
that God was all around us. He responded by pointing
> To the ground to show that God was also right here with
us.
>
> I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God
absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me
> Of the original sin.
>
> He had me beaten at my every move and I could not
continue."
>
> Meanwhile..the Jewish community was gathered around
Rabbi Moshe. "How did you win the debate?" they
> Asked.
>
> "I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First he said to me
that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger!
>
> Then he tells me that the whole country would be
cleared of Jews and I said to him we're staying right here."
>
> "And then what?" asked a woman.
>
> "Who knows?" said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I
took out mine.

[chua_riwap]

Eksena ng Mag-Ama.

Tatay: Berto! kinuha mo ang pera sa bulsa ng pantalon ko 'no?

Anak: Ano sabi mo 'Tay?

Tatay: Sabi ko, kinuha mo yung pera sa bulsa ng pantalon ko!

Anak: Di ko talaga marinig 'Tay , gusto mo palit tayo pwesto . Dito ka.....ako naman ang magtatanong.

Anak: Sinong babae ang kasama mo kanina?

Tatay: Ayy , Oo nga , Di nga marinig.

[airolynx]

Eksena ng Mag-Ama.

Tatay: Berto! kinuha mo ang pera sa bulsa ng pantalon ko 'no?

Anak: Ano sabi mo 'Tay?

Tatay: Sabi ko, kinuha mo yung pera sa bulsa ng pantalon ko!

Anak: Di ko talaga marinig 'Tay , gusto mo palit tayo pwesto . Dito ka.....ako naman ang magtatanong.

Anak: Sinong babae ang kasama mo kanina?

Tatay: Ayy , Oo nga , Di nga marinig.

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

[black ice]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful older sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car..

[Hanren]

Sa sobrang kalasingan ni Juan, siya ay napaihi sa daan. Habang umiihi sa gilid, kinagat ng Sawa ang kanyang bird. Napasigaw siya.

Juan : Araay! Pedro!!! Tumawag ka sa Doktor! kinagat ng sawa yung bird ko!

Pedro : (Tumawag kay doc.) Hello Doc! Tinuklaw ho ng ahas yung kaibigan ko. Ano hong gagawin ko?!

Doc : Sipsipin mo yung part na kinagat para mahigup mo yung lason.

Juan : Ano sabi ng Doktor?!

Pedro : Wala ka nang pag-asa!Mamamatay ka na!

---- ----- -----

Wife: Shall we try a different position tonight?

Husband: Yeah Excellent idea!

.
.
.
.

Wife: You stand at sink and wash the dishes, and I will lie on the sofa & watch TV

[abril]

A priest walked into a barber shop in Quezon City. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

[Ry_Tower]

Eksena ng Mag-Ama.

Tatay: Berto! kinuha mo ang pera sa bulsa ng pantalon ko 'no?

Anak: Ano sabi mo 'Tay?

Tatay: Sabi ko, kinuha mo yung pera sa bulsa ng pantalon ko!

Anak: Di ko talaga marinig 'Tay , gusto mo palit tayo pwesto . Dito ka.....ako naman ang magtatanong.

Anak: Sinong babae ang kasama mo kanina?

Tatay: Ayy , Oo nga , Di nga marinig.

nice one! hahahaha :hysterical:

[peejay_07]

THE SILENT DEBATE

Italians and the Jews
>
> Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the
Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
>
> There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so
the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious
> Debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
>
> If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy .
>
> If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.
>
> The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise,
Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate.
> However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no
Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a
> "silent" debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi
Moshe sat opposite each other.
>
> The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
> Next...the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi
Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.
> The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice
of wine. Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple.
>
> With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was
beaten.. That Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that
> The Jews could stay in Italy .
>
> Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what
had happened.
>
> The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity.
>
> He responded by holding up one finger to remind me
that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
>
> Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him
that God was all around us. He responded by pointing
> To the ground to show that God was also right here with
us.
>
> I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God
absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me
> Of the original sin.
>
> He had me beaten at my every move and I could not
continue."
>
> Meanwhile..the Jewish community was gathered around
Rabbi Moshe. "How did you win the debate?" they
> Asked.
>
> "I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First he said to me
that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger!
>
> Then he tells me that the whole country would be
cleared of Jews and I said to him we're staying right here."
>
> "And then what?" asked a woman.
>
> "Who knows?" said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I
took out mine.

Nice one! :D

[chua_riwap]

I got this from my inbox......



Subject: A true story from the Japanese Embassy



English is a difficult language for some.
This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in the US!!!

A few days ago, Japanese PM Mori was given a Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington & meet Pres. Barack Obama. The instructor told Mori, when you shake hand w/ Pres. Obama, please say "How are you?"
Then Mr. Obama should say...."I'm fine! And you?"
Now you should say "Me too...."

When Mori met Obama he mistakenly said "Who are you?" (instead of "How are you?)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked, but still manged to react with humor.

"Well....I'm Michelle Obama's husband....ha-ha!"
Then Mori replied "Me too!"

There was a long silence in the meeting room.

[peejay_07]

Lol. Keep 'em coming. :D

[birdpoop]

Towenk!

[chua_riwap]

^ ha-ha! buking!

remember: never share your FB password to your mom.......

[boybi]

Or don't ever forget to logout.

[acedal]

may isang pobreng kumakain na ang ulam ay tuyo.
nang maramdaman niyang may kumagat na langgam sa kaniyang itlog.
ang sabi ng pobre: "sosyal ka'ng langgam ka, paitlog-itlog ka pa, ako nga, tuyo lang!"

[xninjax]

[xninjax]

[garfield_08]

THE PASTOR'S *SS

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won
again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ass OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ass.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day: NUN HAS BEST ass IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ass FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ass IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

[Thumbdrive]

(forwarded...)

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first things he sees are a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

Jack stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.