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  1. Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    634
    #111
    sick but funny

    John just bought a new rifle and he couldn’t wait to try it out. He decided he would try his hand at hunting bears. On his hunting trip, John spotted a small brown bear and shot it. A couple seconds after he shot, John felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing there. The black bear said, “That was my cousin you shot. You’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have ***.”

    After considering his options for a moment, John reluctantly decided to have *** with the bear. Even though he was sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed to get his revenge on the big black bear.

    John headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a big grizzly bear standing right next to him. The grizzly said, “You’ve made a big mistake, John. That black bear was my cousin and now you’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have rough ***.” Once again, John agreed to the ***.

    John barely survived and it took several months for him to recover. He was determined to get his revenge on the grizzly. John headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. Finally, revenge was his, but then there was yet another tap on his shoulder! John turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him with a sneer and said, “Admit it, John, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

  2. Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    634
    #112
    Love poetry

    A poetry contest had come down to two finalists, a Harvard graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a single word, then allowed five minutes to try to come up with a poem that contained the word they were given. This time they were given the word, “Timbuktu.”

    The Harvard grad got to go first. This is his poem::

    Slowly across the desert sand,
    Trekked a lonely caravan,
    Men on camels, two by two,
    Destination Timbuktu.

    The audience applauded loudly thinking there was no way the redneck would be able to come up with a better poem than the Harvard grad. The redneck scoffed, confidently strolled up to the microphone and said:

    Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
    Met three hoes in a pop up tent.
    They was three, and we was two.
    So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

  3. Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    634
    #113
    This is dedicated to all the Eng. and Lawyers peace

    An engineer dies and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his list and says, “Ah, I see you’re an engineer, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place.”

    So, the engineer is sent to the gates of hell and is let in. The engineer quickly became unhappy with the comfort level in hell. He started designing and building several improvements. Before long, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and other amenities. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day, God calls Satan up on the phone and asks sarcastically, “Hey there Satan, how’s it going down there in hell these days?”

    Satan responds, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and that’s just a start! There’s no telling what this engineer you sent down here is going to come up with next!”

    God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That must have been a mistake! He should never have gotten down there so please send him back.”

    Satan says, “No way in hell! I like having an engineer down here, and I plan on keeping him.”

    God says, “Send him back right now or I’ll sue.”

    Satan laughs so hard he can barely reply, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?”

  4. Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    634
    #114
    Funny Funny

    A man is at the desk in a hotel lobby. As he turns around to leave, he bumps into an attractive woman standing behind him. Unfortunately his elbow hit her square in the breast. The two of them are both pretty startled by the incident. The man turns to the woman and says, “Miss, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I just know you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replies, “Sir, if your penis is as hard as your elbow, you can find me in room 234.”


    A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water.... The barman says " I thought you only drank blood ?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says......... " I'm making tea " !!

  5. Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    729
    #115
    Quote Originally Posted by nervenllarena View Post
    another one :

    A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

    “I have some good news and some bad news.” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

    “Oh god no!” cries the man. “My career is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

    “The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm! I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant”

    “Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”

    The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

    “Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

    “Just great” says the business man. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”

    “That’s great.” said the surgeon.

    “Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors”

    “Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a success.”

    “Well there is one problem,” said the golfer, “every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!”
    haha medyo di ko nagets tong part na to. sorry slow! pede paexplain :D

  6. Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    2,204
    #116
    ako din. nahiya lang ako mag post kasi baka ako lang di nakakagets.

  7. Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    21,346
    #117
    When Love Fades...

    Last night, I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

    "What would you like for dinner my dear. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

    I said, "Thank you sweetheart, I'll have chicken."

    She replied "You're having soup. I was talking to the dog."



  8. Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    634
    #118
    Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better than ***

    10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

    9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

    8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

    7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

    6. Its OK when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else,
    because you ARE someone else.

    5. 40 years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.

    4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

    3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

    2. Less guilt the next morning.

    AND….

    1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!!

  9. Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    634
    #119
    This is my kind of party

    One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

    As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

    “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night.” The Mailman comments.

    Bob in obvious pain replies,” Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.” We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”

    The Mailman thinks a moment and says, ” How do you play that?”

    Bob continues between hung over gasps,” Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

    The Mailman laughs and says,” Damn I am sorry I missed that.”

    “Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds,” your name was guessed four or five times.”

  10. Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    634
    #120
    It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

    The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

    “Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”

    “Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

    “Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

    “Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

    Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

    “Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

    “At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

    That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

Joke Time!