Joke Time!

[chua_riwap]

As always! Madaling araw na naman nakauwi si Rikardo galing sa inuman at
lasing na lasing. Pagdating nya ay tulog na ang kanyang misis kaya tumabi
nalang sya sa kama at natulog na rin. Kinaumagahan, Sa muling pagmulat ng
mata ni Rikardo ay nakita nya na ang katabi ay isang lalaki, bigla syang
nagulat at bumangon!


Rikardo: Sino ka! At ano ginagawa mo dito sa kwarto namin?!


San Pedro: Huminahon ka Rikardo. Hindi ito ang kwarto nyo
at ako ay si San Pedro.


Rikardo: Ha? Kung ganon patay na ako!


San Pedro: Ganon na nga iho.


Rikardo: HINDI!!! HINDI ITO PWEDE! Ang dami ko pang hindi nagagawa. Ang
dami ko pang naiwan sa mundo! Maawa ka San Pedro pabalikin mo ako sa
lupa kahit man lang para makapagpaalam sa mga mahal ko sa buhay! Huhuhu....


San Pedro: Teka huminahon ka. Hindi ka na pwede bumalik bilang ikaw pero
pwede kita i-reincarnate bilang isang inahing manok o bayawak!


Rikardo: Mmmm...kung bayawak baka mapatay uli agad ako. Inahing manok
nalang po San Pedro, pero ilagay nyo po ako dun sa bukid namin para
maging malapit ako sa pamilya ko!


San Pedro: OK pagbibigyan ko ang kagustuhan mo.


At muling nabuhay si Rikardo bilang isang inahing manok. Nakita
nya ang sarili na puno ng balahibo at kasama nya ang ibang mga inahing
manok sa bukid nila. Kinausap sya ng isa pang inahing manok na si Susy.


Rikardo: Whew, isa na akong manok ganito pala ang feeling. Teka
bakit parang umiinit ang tyan ko at kumukulo?


Susy: Ikaw ba yung bagong manok dito? Ganyan talaga ang pakiramdam
kapag malapit ka na mangitlog. Magrelax ka lang at hayaan mo syang
dumaloy.


Rikardo: Ano? Mangingitlog ako!!!. Oo nga pala inahin nga pala ako kaya
normal lang siguro yun.


Kahit medyo kinakabahan si Rikardo ay sinunod nya si Susy at nailabas nya
ang unang itlog. Matapos mailabas ang itlog ay guminhawa ang pakiramdam ni Rikardo.


Rikardo: Wow ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng mangitlog, napakasarap!
Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito. Para akong isang ina na nagsilang ng
sangol! Napakasarap...ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito....pero teka bakit
parang meron pa?


Susy: Hwag ka mag-alala di tulad ng tao, tayong mga manok kaya
natin mangitlog ng isa hangang walo, kaya magrelax ka lang at hayaan mo
silang lumabas


Rikardo: Ganon ba? O sige. Maraming salamat Susy! Hindi ko maintindihan
ang nararamdaman ko pero totoong nakaka-antig ng damdamin.


At muli na namang nangitlog si Rikardo. Gumaan muli ang pakiramdam nya.
Napangiti at nasabi nya sa sarili nya na ito ang pinakamasarap na
naramdaman nya sa buong buhay nya kahit na noon namumuhay pa sya bilang
isang tao. Halos mapaluha sya sa galak. Naghahanda na sanang ilabas ni
Rikardo ang pangatlo nyang itlog nang biglang may matigas na bagay na pumalo
sa ulo nya at may narinig syang malakas na sigaw.



Misis: Hoooy Put**%*#! Mo! Gumising kang demonyo ka! Bakit
ka tumatae sa kama!!!

^ :hysterical:

[Hanren]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool, and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.


When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital. He now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news, he said, "Edna I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am sorry, but he's dead."


Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon did you say I can go home?"

[jansky]

TATAY: mula ngayon walang magsasalita ng ingles.. ang sinumang magpa dugo ng ilong ko at sa nanay nyo, palalayasin sa pamamahay na to ! klaro ba ?

ANAK: ang mga namutawi sa inyong mga labi ay mataman ko pong iiimbak sa sulok ng aking balintataw,
sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunam-gunamin, aariing salik ng aba at payak kong kabatiran..
tatalikdan ang matatayog at palalong banyagang wika, manapay kakalingian,
bibigkasin at sakdal timyas na sasambitin ng aking sangkalooban..

TATAY: (tulala)

[jansky]

[SIZE=3]Anak: tay cnu mas matalino ang anak o ang Papa?
Papa: eh syempre dapat ang papa.
Anak: cnu nag embento ng telescope.
Papa: si galileo.
Anak: eh bakit hindi papa ni galileo ang uminbento?

[/SIZE]

[dcph172]

[SIZE=3]Anak: tay cnu mas matalino ang anak o ang Papa?
Papa: eh syempre dapat ang papa.
Anak: cnu nag embento ng telescope.
Papa: si galileo.
Anak: eh bakit hindi papa ni galileo ang uminbento?

[/SIZE]

WAHAHAHAHA letche ang babaw ko haha

[nervenllarena]

Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "F*ck IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"

Billy shakes his head as YES.

Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

Billy shakes his head YES.

He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

When he gets there he askes this guy...

"Could you hold my bum and f*ck it while I get my cock and spank it"

[nervenllarena]

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!

[leadzmaster]

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!

wahaha go little johnny

[leadzmaster]

A MAN'S ***UAL ANATOMY ANALYSED

A research group at the University of Western Ontario conducted a study to determine why the head of a penis is larger than the shaft. After spending hundreds of thousands of dollars, during months of research, they concluded that the head of a penis is larger than the shaft, to give the woman more pleasure during ***.

Scientists at the Queen's University questioned the findings and proceeded with their own study. After spending thousands of dollars, and after weeks of research, they concluded that head of penis is larger than the shaft, to give the man more pleasure during ***.

The research staff at the University of Waterloo thought both studies were incorrect. Spending twenty dollars for three days days of research, they determined that the head of a penis is larger than the shaft to prevent the man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead!

kaya pala

[leadzmaster]

A patient complains to a famous psychologist: ‘

Patient: Professor, I’ve been having
terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.’

‘Psychologist: Who’s been treating you until now?’

‘Patient: Dr Lal Rathor.‘

Psychologist: ‘I see. He’s an idiot. I’m curious to know what he advised you to do.’

Patient: ‘To come and see you.

[leadzmaster]

Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father
was trying to read. The family dog was at there too, and, on hearing the
screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnny’s father listened to the dog and
the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper
on the floor and yelled, ‘For God’s sake, can’t you play something the dog
doesn’t know?’

[leadzmaster]

Bata nagdadasal: Jesus, sana po si Rizal nalang ang pumatay kay Magellan.

narinig ng Tatay: Bakit naman anak?

Bata: Yun po kasi sagot ko sa Test eh..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fat farmer was in the CR trying to flush his s.hit
when suddenly the toilet bowl broke and burst,
it flooded into the wheat fields,


and POOF!
it became COCO CRUNCH...

[leadzmaster]

A nun and a priest and a camel

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know father.", the nun answered.
"In fact, I don't think it is likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree." said the nun.
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's pe.nis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK", the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ars so we can get the hell out of here?"

[leadzmaster]

The barber

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

[leadzmaster]

Girl: "Sir , sir i need to go to the bathroom!!"
Sir: "Sorry But we are In the middle of Our English Lesson."
Girl : "But sir i really really need to go to the bathroom!"
Sir: "Okay, as long as you say the alphabet to me first.?"
Girl: "OK, ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ !"
Sir: "Where is the 'P' ?"
Girl :" Running down my leg !"

[leadzmaster]

New Boss

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week? A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, I make $400 a week. Why?
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.
'Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the roomand asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?
"From across the room came a voice,
'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

[leadzmaster]

Me Tarzan, You Jane...

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for ***.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what *** was and he said,
"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for squirrels."
:bwahaha::bwahaha:

[jansky]

unso: nanay si kuya dali nagpapakamatay!

nanay: bakit anak asan ang kuya mo?

bunso: asa kwarto po nakita ko tirik ang mata tuwid ang paa sinusuntok ang itlog...

nanay: nakanang!
__________________

[jansky]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

I DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

[renzo_d10]

Obob na asawa ...

WIFE : gusto ko magpadagdag ng boobs !
HUSBAND : huh ? hindi ba masagwa yun ? magiging tatlo ?

---

Moves. :hysterical:

Boy : Pwede ba kita maging syota ?
Girl : Hindi.
Boy : Naiintindihan mo ba sinabi ko ?
Girl : Oo naman.
Boy : Sige nga, ano ?
Girl : Pwede ba kita maging syota.
Boy : SURE !

:bwahaha: