Joke Time!

[olidotcom]

-deleted- - deleted- internet time out issue

[gertrude]

Salawikain ng mga high school students:

“aanhin mo pa ang 90% kung 75% na ang uso”

“its better to cheat than to repeat”

“No need to review kodigo will do”

“aanhin mo pa ang libro kung scholar ang katabi mo”

kaya study hard!!!

[gertrude]

[SIZE=4]Maala ala mo kaya[/SIZE]

by ampo0ta26


Dear Ate Charo,

Nais kong ikwento sa inyo ang namagitan sa amin ng aking itay isang gabi. Hindi ko kayang makalimutan kahit anong bahagi ng gabing iyon.

Malakas ang ulan noon. Katatapos ko pa lamang maligo at nakatapis pa lamang sa loob ng aking kuwarto.

Narinig ko si Itay na kumakatok sa aking pinto. Nang sagutin ko ang pinto ay sinabi niya na kailangan daw naming magusap. Pinapasok ko naman po siya dahil ama ko po siya.

Nagulat na lamang ako nang isarado at ikinandado ang pinto. Hinawakan ni Itay ang braso ko. Napasigaw ako, sabi ko “ITAY huwag, anak mo ako!”.
Ngunit hindi tumigil ang aking Itay. Ipinagpatuloy niya ang kanyang ginagawa. Pumikit na lamang ako dahil sa ayaw kong makita ang mukha ng aking tatay sa kanyang ginagawa.

Naririnig ko si Inay na binubulabog ang pinto. Sumisigaw na, “Hayop ka wag mong gawin yan sa anak mo.” Ngunit wala pa rin. Ipinaubaya ko na lamang ang sarili ko sa Diyos.

Pagkalagpas ng ilang oras ay natapos din ang aking Itay. Nang humarap ako sa salamin ay nagulat ako sa aking nakita. Magaling naman pala mag-make-up si Itay.

Noong gabi na iyon ay nagladlad ng kapa si Itay. Bakla pala siya. Natuwa ako at mahusay ang kanyang ginawa. Naisip ko na matutuwa ang aking boyfriend dahil sa ganda ko. Nagyakapan kami doon at nagiyakan.

Masaya na kami ngayon at walang problema.

Yours truly,
Berto

[james00112233]

natawa ako dun sa sulat ni Berto
hindi ko napansin sa dulo na sya pala ang sumulat.

magpo-post din ako ng mga jokes dito. hahanap muna ako.

[nervenllarena]

langya mamamatay ako sa kakatawa sa sulat ni berto

[Starex_Gold]

Berto :gayfight: :gayfight:

[crave]

One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis. He can’t
figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor hands him a
tube of cream.
"Here. Put this on and the ring’ll be gone within the hour," the doctor said.
The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone
within the hour.
But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts on.
The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning. This goes on for a few days before the man finally asks, "Doctor, the cream you’re
giving me takes care of the ring around my penis, but then it comes back in the morning. What’s the stuff you’re giving me?"

The doctor hands him another tube of it before replying, "Lipstick
remover."

[vito corleone]

A woman announces to her local priest that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"I hope you don't mind me asking," says the clergyman: "but what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died," says the woman.

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" asks the priest.

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died," says the woman.

"My God! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband," says the man of the cloth.

"He died of a broken neck," says the woman.

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.”

[vito corleone]

eto pa isa. . .


An old woman visits her doctor to ask for his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says the old woman: "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replies the doctor: "You've heard of Irish coffee, right?”

"Yes," replies the woman.

"Well," says the doctor: "make him an Irish coffee and slip Viagra into it. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

A few days later she calls the doctor and the poor dear exclaims: "Oh, faith! It was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups flying, ripped my clothes to tatters and took me then and there, on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why was it so terrible?" asks the doctor confused: "Do you mean the *** your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor. It was the best *** I've had in 25 years!" says the old woman: "but I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again."

[gertrude]

[SIZE=4]President GMA[/SIZE]

by aNgeLoL


GMA and her family inside the presidential helicopter

GMA: What if i throw one check worth one million pesos out of the window to make at least one filipino happy?

Mike A: Honey, why not throw two checks worth half a million pesos each to make two filipinos happy?

Luli A: Mom, why not throw four checks worth quarter of a million each to make four filipinos happy?

Finally her grand daughter speaks;

spoke: Grandma, why not simply THROW YOURSELF out of the window to make all filipinos very happy?

Ganun?!

[gertrude]

Warning R-18! : Boy Bastos Jokes

Bago pa man mabuo si Boy...

Sperm 1: pare, maghanda na tayo! malapit na tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: onga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!...BALIK! ***!***! ***!

Sumunod na oras....

Sperm 1: pare, maghanda na tayo! malapit na uli tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: onga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!...BALIK! TONSIL! TONSIL!

At sa sumunod pa...

Sperm 1: pare, maghanda na tayo! malapit na uli tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: onga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD! *splat!*
ay...condom...!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sa kabutihang palad ay nabuo rin si Boy. at di nagtagal...

Nanay: honey!!! oras na! manganganak na ako!!!
Tatay: talaga honey? o teka lang! wag kang gagalaw!

(Biglang naghubad si Tatay at ipinasok nya ang kanyang batutoy sa batutay ni Nanay!)

Nanay: honey! anong ginagawa mo???
Tatay: basta! akong bahala! ANAK! KUMAPIT KA! KUMAPIT KA!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hindi umepekto ang "delivering the baby" style ni Tatay, so dinala si Nanay sa ospital...

Doc: ayan ho Mrs., nakalabas na ang ulo ng anak nyo!
nabigla si doc nang...

Boy Bastos: hoy! ikaw ba Tatay ko?
Doc: hindi! hindi ako ang Tatay mo! nurse halika dito dali!
nang dumating ang lalaking nurse...
Boy Bastos: hoy! ikaw ba Tatay ko?
Nurse: naku! hindi ako ang Tatay mo! teka tatawagin ko sya!
nang dumating si Tatay...
Boy Bastos: hoy! ikaw ba Tatay ko?
Tatay: oo anak! ako nga!
Boy Bastos: (sinundot-sundot and noo ng Tatay) masarap ba yan ha? masarap?!

[gertrude]

eto pa isang boy bastos joke...

Isang araw, magkasabay na naliligo si Boy Bastos at ang tatay nya,

Boy: Tay, ano yan? (sabay turo sa batutoy ng tatay)

Tatay: Ah ito ba anak? Ang tawag dito ay kotse...

Boy: Meron din po bang ganyan si nanay?

Tatay: Wala syang ganito, meron sya ang tawag naman ay "garahe".

Boy: Ah...

Kinagabihan, nahuli ni Boy Bastos ang tatay at nanay na nagse-***. Biglang sigaw ni Boy habang pumapalakpak;

Boy: SIGE PA TAY! SIGE PA! PASOK NYO PA! NAKALABAS PA PO YUNG DALAWANG GULONG NG "KOTSE" NYO SA LIKOD!

[vito corleone]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard !

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say '****', the Rottweiler ate him!'

[navigator2377]

2 men were searching for their lost wife in a festival.

First Man: How does your wife look like?

Second man : She is 5'7", 36-24-36 ***y figure, fair, sweet, beautiful, green ***y eyes, brown hair, seductive lips... And yours?

First man: Forget mine, let us look for yours...

---------------------------------
Me : I can help looking..

[Hanren]

Telephone Call
(((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do. He's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do:Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486 -5731??

[Hanren]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.


"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."


"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.


Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide
open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.


The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." What part of broke do you not understand?

[dcph172]

i love this thread! lets keep it alive :D up! haha

[Hanren]

Suggestions For Women To Respond To Pickup Lines

"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.

"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

"So, wanna go back to my place?"
"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

"I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
"It's in the phone book."
"But I don't know your name."
"That's in the phone book too."

"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."

"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."

"Haven't we met before?"
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

"I can tell that you want me."
"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."

"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Stop."

"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today."

"I'd go through anything for you."
"Good! Let's start with your bank account."

"I would go to the end of the world for you."
"Yes, but would you stay there?"


"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"
say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

He: Do you wanna dance?
She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Q: Does beauty run in your family?
A: It obviously doesn't in yours!

Q: What's your name ***y?
A: Taken!

Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

He: Your legs go clear up to your a**.
She: Most peoples' do!

Q: Can I buy you a drink?
A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

"You look like a dream."
Response: "Go back to sleep."

He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

"I can see forever in your eyes."
Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."

"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

[boybi]

Interview ni Boy Abunda ke Liz Uy:

Boy: Bakit mo binasted si PNoy?

Liz: Hindi ko nakayanan yung transition from John Lloyd to Mongolloyd.

[Hanren]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up