Joke Time!

[jick.cejoco]

Uncle to nephew:

Hijo, pakibili mo ako ng Viagra yung ginagamit pampatigas



The nephew went to the grocery store, walked the aisles and could not find Viagra. After a couple of passes at the shelves, he saw mylanta, paid for it and headed home. He gave it to the uncle.


Uncle:
Hijo, ano ito? Hindi ito ang kailangan ko.


Nephew:
Uncle, matagal po ako naghanap wala po talaga. Kaya yan ang binili ko. Sabi kasi sa label- mylanta anti-gas

[JR318]

Q: What are the three types of men?

A: The handsome, the caring, and the majority.

[Monseratto]

"bang,bang"...:P

[Monseratto]

HEHEHE...

[JR318]

This old lady was complaining to her friend about a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested that maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied "that's impossible because I am a virgin". To solve the problem the old lady went to the doctor for check up. After the exam the doctor said: " I have good news and bad news, the good news is that you are clean of all STD'S. The bad news is that you have fruit flies because your cherry is rotten"

[JR318]

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have *** with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have *** with her husband any more.

"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want *** any more."

The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"

[macsd]

The Best Divorce Letter Ever. This Guy Nails It.

[JR318]

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only 10% enters the female, and you wondered why the sea tasted so ****in salty!hahaha

[Monseratto]

[JR318]

Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?

A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.

[JR318]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 25 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

[Monseratto]

What if...

[andrewnathaniel]

"bang,bang"...:P

Nice. Hahaha.

[Monseratto]

[JR318]

*** and shopping have one thing in common:

In both the cases, men start sweating in 15 minutes and women want to go on and on and on and on!

[JR318]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman."

[12vdc]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and half.” The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, “Your house!”

[12vdc]

This cracked me

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
8. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
10. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
12. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
14. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

[Monseratto]

How lucky can you get?

[JR318]

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighborhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamilton's' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having ***." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having ***?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."