Joke Time!

[james00112233]

pampatanggal ng stress itong thread...

[Hanren]

BREAKING UP WITH A PARTNER

- i just need some space. i'm becoming an astronaut.

- i just need some time. can you come back in 20 years?

- the only thing we have in common is that we got married on the same day.

- i'm married to my job

- i'd love to grow old with you, but you're too far ahead to catch up.

[Hanren]

[An old joke but worth repeating]

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[ericbalajadia]

Overheard:

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."

[Hanren]

[jubs00]

hahaha! nice!

[navigator2377]

Q & A..


Q: WHY DO WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN?
.................................................. ..........................
A: BECAUSE SHOPPING NEVER CAUSES HEART ATTACKS,,,
BUT PAYING THE BILL DOES...

[renzo_d10]

Amo: Marunong ka bang
maglaba?

...Maid: Konti

...Amo: Eh magluto?

Maid: Konti

Amo: Sige, tanggap ka na.

Maid: Magkano po ba ang
sweldo ko?

Amo: Konti


-

Sa isang jeep may lalaking mag babayad kay manong driver.

Pasahero: manong bayad.
Manong Driver: saan galling?
Pasahero: sa akin.
......Manong Driver : papunta saan?
Pasahero: sayo


-

Girl: Uy! May joke ako!

Boy: Nakakatwa ba yan?
......
Girl: Hindi. Nakakaiyak. Heavy drama yung joke ko e. May tissue ka ba? Baka kasi bumaha dito ng luha dahil sa joke ko. Putek! Joke nga diba!?!?!?tapos iiyak ka p*k*u ka!

[SiRbossR]

Boy: uyy! May joke ako!

Girl: Ano un?

Boy: Joke lang. Wala.

:bwahaha:

[Hanren]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Hanren]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[bisolvon]

[An old joke but worth repeating]

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

hahahaha lmfao! this is the first time i heard it. sorry. hahahahaha!

[bisolvon]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

===========================

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

===========================
ANG SULAT
Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang sarili ko...

Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?

Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next week ko pa ata matatangap...

==========================
PROMOTION

Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!

Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.

==========================
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

[Hanren]

Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have *** with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have *** with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have *** with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have *** with you

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess *** tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have ***?

I love you = Let's have *** now!
Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have ***
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe ***?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have *** without me

[pista_ni_jon]

hahahahahahaha! ayos!


ayos 'tong thread na'to a. salamat sa mga contributors! keep 'em coming. pangtanggal nga ng stress.

[Hanren]

Text exchange between a philandering husband and his obese wife:
Wife: babes kelan ka uuwi? Kumusta na check-up mo?
Husband: Malala na daw cholesterol at high blood ko. Pinayuhan na ako ng doctor ko.
Wife: Ano payo niya?
Husband: Iwas muna daw ako sa mga matataba. Kaya di muna ako uuwi jan sa atin.

EMPLEYADO :Boss, namatay pala manager natin, pwede po bang ako na lang ang pumalit sa pwesto niya?
BOSS:Pwede. Ewan ko lang kung papayag yung funeraria..

LOLA: Iho, tulungan mo ko, isa akong prinsesa, ako'y
isinumpa. Kung ako'y iyong gagahasain, babalik ako sa maganda kong
anyo at tuluyan ng mapuputol ang sumpa.
MAKARAAN ANG ILANG SAGLIT..
BINATA: Yan, tapos na! Bakit di ka pa nagpapalit ng anyo?
LOLA: Ilan taon ka na, iho?
BINATA: 28 po.
LOLA: Yan tanda mong yan naniniwala kappa sa FAIRYTALES?

SA OSPITAL.....
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.

DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.

[mazingerZ]

I have this subordinate (who is around late 40s), who is very sensitive about his age. But he takes jokes about his age good naturedly naman. My conversation with him kahapon was this:

Ako: Nakita kita kahapon sa Union Bank a (him being a former Union Bank employee before)
Siya: Uy wala ako doon a.
Ako: Di a, nakita kita talaga pumipila sa ATM
Siya: Wala talaga ako doon sir, naka field ako doing appraisal
Ako: Ikaw talaga iyon, wala pa ba ang GSIS pension niyo? (hehehe)

[renzo_d10]

One day Mr. Cadbury met Hersheys he gave her hugs and Kisses and put his Butterfinger in her Milkyway they were on Cloud 9 when his Tootsie Roll fired a Big Bang! the result? Baby Ruth

[nervenllarena]

Inspiring Quote:


"Walang malayong kulangot sa mahabang kuko!!"
It signifies determination, creativity and hope.
Sana na-inspire ka. ;)



Walang maduming kubeta sa taeng palabas na!

Wow! A quote that resembles courage, resourcefulness and good decision making.





Work is the greatest thing in this world, so I always save some of it for tomorrow

It signifies thrift.





Today's lesson:

Kapag nadulas ka sa harap ng crush mo. The best palusot: "See how I fall for you?" Yun yun! Yun ang tinatawag na poise under pressure!




Tandaan:

Hindi lahat ng maganda, may boyfriend. Ang iba sa kanila, may betlog! Promise!




Now its joke time:

A grandma celebrated her 70th birthday and received a card form her grandchild. The front said: inside is a message from God!when she opened it, it read SEE YOU SOON!=) Lokong bata! Hahaha =)






Man: Doctor, bakit dinugo sa first night ang asawa ko e dating GRO yan. (Ineksamin ng doktor ang misis)
Doc: Wala po kayong dapat ikabahala, natuklap lang po ang kalyo!


Nag eyeball ang mag textmates:
Girl: Ill be in yellow.
Boy: Ako, green na lang.
Nagmeet sila sa coffee shop.
Dumating ang PANGET na babaeng naka yellow pero walang lalaking naka green. Nilapitan ng babae ang isang lalaking naka red shirt.
Girl: Excuse me, are you my textmate?
Boy: Hindi ah! Naka green ba ako?


MISIS: Inday! Nakita mo ba senyorito mo? Kanina ko hinahanap eh!
INDAY: Hindi ko po alam sinyura!
MISIS: Nambabae na naman siguro iyon! Di mo ba talaga nakita?
INDAY: Hindi po sinyura, kasi pag gising ko po kanina wala na siya sa tabi ko eh! Hahahaha!!


Kapag ikay nasaktan, lumaban ka.
Kung ikay nabigo bumangon ka.
Kapag ikaw ay nahulog sa hagdan at nakatingin sa iyo lahat wag pahalata, stand up and say pakialam nyo, ganun ako bumaba eh!


Top signs that your favorite Pan de sal and other bread products have shrunk to an alarming size.
1. Your usual 10 minutes breakfast is reduced 5 minutes.
2. Brazo de Mercedesis renamed by bakers as Daliri de Mercedes.
3. Your 7 years old daughter approaches you and boasts of a newly learned stunt from her yaya: ang paglunok ng 3 pirasong pandesal sabay sabay!
4. When you go to the bakery and say, pabili nga po ng pandesal,the baker would reply, ilang tabletas?


The thread asked the candle: Why do you dissolve when I burn? Candle said: You're in my heart, if you suffer, I'm bound to shed tears for you. Pati kandila, umeemote na!




Preso sa silya elektrika: Warden, may last request po ako.
Warden: Ano yun?
Preso: Hawakan nyo naman ang kamay ko. Moral support lang. O-ha! O-ha!




Tanong: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba sya na hindi sya mababastos?
Sagot: Uhm, excuse me miss, Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?

Tanong: Sino ang pinakatangang babae na nabuhay sa sanlibutan?
Sagot: Si Eba, nakita na nyang hubo't hubad si Adan, yung mansanas pa ang isinubo. Nyahaha!




Receptionist: Pasok na sir, maraming bago ngayon, mga bata at ***y!
Customer: Gusto ko, yung mature na at mataba.
Receptionist: Uy, si sir, homesick na!


Pare, may dalaga dito sa amin, gustong magwork sa Japan . Pinahiram ko na nga ng pera, sinampal pa ako. Para sinabi ko lang naman na, "Ibalik mo sa akin yan kapag maluwag ka na ha!"

Kung doktor ka, paano mo sasabihin sa pasyente mo na hindi na magtatagal ang buhay nya? Ganito... Makulay! Makulay! Ang buhay! Ang buhay! Makulay ang buhay sa kabilang buhay!


Boy: Hayop ka! Hirap na hirap akong nagtatrabaho sa sakahan mo pero sahod ko, hindi tumaas! Kung mamatay ako, sinong magpapakain sa pamilya ko, ikaw?
Amo: Inglisin mo para taasan ko sahod mo!
Boy: Animal you! Poor poor me to job in your farm but my salary did not climb! If I die, who will eat my family, you?-----------

[lancepower]

nice thread pampagising ng dugo