[Merged] Just for Laughs

[RMean]

holduper: taas ang kamay. holdup ito. akina ang pera mo.
senador: ang lakas ng loob mo. hindi mo ba alam kung sino ako!!!
holduper: eh sino ka ba???
senador: senador ako!!! isang mataas na opisyal sa pamahalaan.
holduper: kung ganon ... AKINA ANG PERA KO!!!

[pparado]

There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"

There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"

There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"

There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"

There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"

There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"

So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.

What's the moral of the story?

When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.

[onat_1]

^^^^ :hysterical: :hysterical:

[silverbx986]

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS


Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she
told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's
house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told
his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Gumusut_Amige]

From email...

***
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!

Misis: Eh ako, sino?

Mister: Si DACOS !

Misis: Dacos? Sino
'yun!

Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!

***
Job interview...

Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan
kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan
nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!

***
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis
ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo!

***
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.

***
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko...
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang
natin sa balita kung magkano!
***
Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma'am, library po!

***
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
***
After 50 years...
Urbana: Mare, how's your ***life?
Dolores: Well, sa age ni pare mo, MUKHA na lang ang nagagalit,
BALAHIBO na lang ang tumatayo at UBO na lang ang matigas.
***
Mga kasabihan:

"Magkasinlakas lang ang muscles namin
ni Pacquiao, pero hindi talaga
ako ang kalaban niya, bakit ba ang kulit
ninyo?!" - VINA MORALES
***
"Anong akala mo sa akin, mayaman?!
Nauubusan din ako ng pera!" - ATM
***
"You never even thanked me for making
you happy, then you throw me
away just like that... I hate you for using me,
for making my life full of
****..." - TOILET PAPER
***
"Huwag po nating salubungin ang mga
bumababa. Hindi po natin sila
kamag-anak." - LRT OPERATOR
***
" Napaka-unfair ng buhay sa mundo...
Bakit hindi ako pwedeng
magmahal?!" - UKAY-UKAY
***
"You know, I feel I'm relaxing...you
know... Thanks for da God... To
all Filipino, thanks for da supporting wid me..." - MANNY PACQUIAO
***
"Biktima rin ako ng abortion." - BALUT
***
"Alam kong may gusto ka sa akin.
Pasimple ka pa. Bakit hindi mo ako seryosohin?Pero bago ang lahat, gusto
ko, alam
mo na hindi ako easy-to-get." - FLAT 1.0
***
"Huwag mong sabihing pinaiyak kita
dahil una mo akong sinaktan." - SIBUYAS
***
"Panakip-butas lang ba talaga ako?" - PANTY
***
"Halika, pag-initin mo ako! Kailangan kong pumutok upang ako'y iyong
matikman at ika'y masarapan... ayaaan na!
Malapit na!!! Puputok na!!! Aaaaahhhh...." - POPCORN
***
"Huwag mo akong sisihin kung cold man
ako dahil hindi naman ako
magmamatigas kung binigyan mo lang sana ako ng
konting importansya!" - KANING LAMIG
***
"Hindi lahat ng alak, nakalalasing."
- ALAK-SAN
***
"Hindi lahat ng 13, malas." - 13th MONTH PAY
***
"Hindi lahat ng lumilipad ay superhero." - MANANANGGAL
***
"Hindi lahat ng bumabagsak ay nagsa-summer." - ERIK MORALES
***
"Hindi lahat ng ngipin ay puti." - BLUETOOTH
***
"Nandito ako sa harap ng bahay ninyo." - GATE
***
"Bakit mo 'ko binibitin kung kailan kainitan at basang-basa ako?" -
SINAMPAY
***
"Lagi mo akong yakap. Nakapatong lagi ang hita mo sa katawan ko. 'Yun
pala, tutulugan mo lang ako..." - UNAN
***
"Masayang-masaya ako, kasi, ang dami kong date!" - KALENDARYO
***
"Nagtatanong lang naman ako pero huwag mo naman akong murahin kapag
hindi mo masagot." - TEST PAPER
***
"Ang sarap haplusin ng buo mong katawan... at dumampi sa parteng ako
lang ang nakagagawa. Masarap, di ba? Pero bandang huli, iiwan mo lang
ako sa
isang tabi..." - TUWALYA

[Gumusut_Amige]

from email
================================
Ang sampung prutas

May 3 hunters na nahuli ng mga cannibals sa gubat. dinala sila sa
harap ng tribal chief para siya ang pupugot ng ulo. nagmakaawa yung mga hunters.
Naawa naman yung chief.

Chief: sige hindi namin kayo papatayin, sa isang kondisyon.
kailangan isa-isa kayong mangolekta ng 10 pirasong prutas. dalhin nyo iyon
dito at saka ko sasabihin ang sunod nyong gagawin.
naghiwa-hiwalay ang tatlong magkakaibigan. unang dumating si Pedro,
dala-dala'y 10 oranges.


Chief: ngayon, ipasok mo ang lahat ng mga prutas na iyan sa iyong puwet.
kailangan ay hindi magbabago ang mukha mo. konting ngiwi o ngiti
lang ay pupugutan ka agad namin ng ulo.

Unang orange pa lang ang pinapasok ay napa-sigaw agad si Pedro.
Agad siyang pinugutan ng ulo. sunod na dumating ay si Juan, dala-dala'y
10 lansones. tuwang-tuwa siya ng in-explain sa kanya nung Chief kung
ano ang kailangan nyang gawin.
Juan: sus! sisiw lang pala. kayang-kaya! buti na lang maliit na
prutas ang kinolekta ko. naipasok ni Juan ang mga lansones sa kanyang
puwit ng walang problema. Ngunit nung asa pang-10 prutas na siya, bigla siyang napatawa.
Pugot-ulo agad si Chief.

Pagkamatay ay napunta agad si Juan sa langit kung saan nakita niya
si Pedro. Nagkausap ang dalawa.


Pedro: Sayang Juan! pinapanood kita dito sa langit habang ginagawa
mo yung utos. isang lansones na lang hindi mo pa tiniis! buhay ka
pa sa na ngayon. ano bang nangyari sayo?


Juan: pare, ang dali-dali ngang ipasok nung mga lansones. kaso,
nung matatapos na ako bigla kong nakita si pareng Jose -- may
dala-dalang 10 langka!

[claRkEnt]

got thru text:

Nakakita ka na ba
ng White Lady sa Balete?

O matusok ng icepick
sa paglakad sa Tondo?

naka pick-up ka na ba
ng prosti sa quezon ave.?

Napagtripan ng tibo
sa sampaloc?

o mapa-rambol sa sta ana?

Nadukutan ka na ba
sa divisoria?

o naisnatchan ng bag sa letre?

naholdap ka na ba sa recto?

o maagawan ng celfone
sa monumento?

Tara na! Byahe Tayo!
Kay Ganda ng Pilipinas. WOW Phils.

[Elroi]

GM's response to Bill Gates' comment..

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ... twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and r eopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall > the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five > percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[mbeige]

Sent to me by my wife

[SIZE=4]IBANG POSISYON:
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman
ang
uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PINOY INGENUITY?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a
man's
*** organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a
magnifiying
glass.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]REGALO:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo, ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]SI GINO:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: ******* ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]TUTPIK:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang, ang dali
pang
mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit nyan, pero kayo
lang
nakabali!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL[/SIZE][SIZE=4]:
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak
ko
rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang
animal!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]SUKO SA MISTER:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago
niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang
niroromansa.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PAGOD DAW.....[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PARI AT MADRE:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang toothbrush ko...
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ESTUDYANTE:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa
sa
estudiante.
Bugaw: Yung PRINCIPAL, sir!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]AFTER THE WEDDING:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PAMBOBOSO:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di nya makita!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]PROMOTION:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]AMPON:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ANG SULAT:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang
sarili ko...
Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa ata matatangap...
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]LIIT NAMAN:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]DOWNY:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]HIDE AND SEEK:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-*** sa
'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]MADRE:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jusko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila nalalaman ang
kanilang
ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]RAPE SUSPEK:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nangreype
sa
'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!![/SIZE]

[giopopo46]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely
packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He
asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man
jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No,
no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz
chord!"

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get
up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

man cant stop laughing you're good