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  1. Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    21,566
    #1861

  2. Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    26,770
    #1862

  3. Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    157
    #1863
    The Homily

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

    So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

    Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1. Sip the Vodka don't gulp.

    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3. There are 12 disciples,not 10.

    4. Jesus was consecrated,not constipated.

    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

    8. David slew more...

  4. Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    157
    #1864
    Farts Classified

    Types of Farting People

    The Vain Person
    One who loves the smell of his own farts.

    The Amiable Person
    One who loves the smell of other people’s farts.

    The Proud Person
    One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

    The Shy Person
    One who releases silent farts then blushes.

    The Imprudent Person
    One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

    The Unfortunate Person
    One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

    The Scientific Person
    One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

    The Nervous Person
    One who stops in the middle of a fart.

    The Honest Person
    One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

    The Dishonest Person
    One who farts but blames the dog.

    The Foolish Person
    One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

    The Thrifty Person
    One who always has several farts in reserve.

    The Anti-Social Person
    One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

    The Strategic Person
    One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

    The Sadistic Person
    One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

    The Intelligent Person
    One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor’s fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

  5. Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    26,770
    #1865

  6. Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    3,002
    #1866

  7. Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    26,770
    #1867

  8. Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    116
    #1868

  9. Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    116
    #1869

  10. Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    26,770
    #1870

Joke Time!