*** Laws: Let's Keep Things Legal

In the pursuit of every red blooded horny male for quality and quantity ***, we know things can get really wild and downright irresponsible. From an awkward next morning to some real life altering **** like an unwanted pregnancy, getting some can have pretty nasty consequences. Among the things men just forget about when they reach the "no turning back zone" involve consequences of a legal kind. In these intense moments, we all know men just stop thinking straight. Certainly Kobe never thought he would be in such a predicament on that eventful night in Colorado. Add drugs and/or alcohol, control goes down to zero. So, with these concerns, here are 10 interesting and useful facts from the laws of the Philippine Republic to help you keep all your ***ual activities legal. Of course we all know the cardinal rules, "no means no," and "no *** with people below twelve" right?

1. We all know having *** in a car parked in a public place is illegal, but just how illegal? *** within public view is illegal enough to get you and your lover a month to half a year in prison.

2. Rape is committed by a man having intercourse with a woman in any of the following circumstances, namely: a) through force, threat or intimidation; b) when the offended party is deprived of reason; c) by means of fraudulent machination or abuse of authority; or finally, as mentioned earlier d) when the offended party is below twelve years old. Letter B leads us to ask if having *** with a drunk woman (who has not passed out) can be considered rape. The answer lies in the case of State vs. Lung, wherein the court held that "where the consent is induced by the administration of drugs or liquor, which incites her passions but does not deprive her of her will power, the accused is NOT guilty of rape." So guys, as long as the gin pomelo with betsin you gave her has not deprived her of reason, having *** with her is not rape.

3. Republic Act No. 8353, which took effect on October 22, 1997 amended the Revised Penal Code and declared that the crime of rape can be committed by both male and female. Women commit rape by jamming any instrument or object into another person's genital or anal orifice under the same circumstances as normal rape.

4. Under Article 247 of the Revised Penal Code a husband or wife who catches his or her spouse in the act of having ***ual intercourse with another person and who kills or injures either of them or both will not go to jail. The said article punishes the killer of a penalty called "destierro" which is somewhat like a restraining order.

5. Under the same article, parents who kill the seducers of their daughters (who are living with them and are below 18 years old) immediately after catching or surprising them in the act of having ***ual intercourse will not go jail but will suffer the mere penalty of destierro.

6. In the case of People vs. Saylan, the Court imposed a higher penalty than that ordinarily prescribed for rape when the accused committed rape in the dog style. The manner in which the crime was committed was seen as an aggravating circumstance which consequently, increased the penalty.

7. To charge a married woman of adultery, the husband need only prove that the wife has had ***ual intercourse with another man at least once. Adultery carries a penalty of 2 years 4 months and 1 day to 6 years. On the other hand, to charge a married man of concubinage, the wife has to prove either a) that the husband has kept the mistress in the conjugal dwelling; b) that he has had ***ual intercourse with the mistress under scandalous circumstances; or c) that he has cohabited with her in any other place. Therefore, a single act of ***ual intercourse by a married man does not constitute any crime. In addition, concubinage compared to adultery, carries only a penalty of 6 months and 1 day to 4 years and 2 months.

8. If you are planning to have *** with a woman of good repute who is under 18 but over 12, do not induce her to submit to your lustful desires by promising her marriage. If you do this, you open yourself to a charge of simple seduction which is punishable by 1 to 6 months in jail.

9. Touching a woman's breast without her consent constitutes either the crime of Acts of Lasciviousness or Unjust Vexation depending on the man's intentions and the circumstances surrounding the act. If it is done with lewd designs, the crime is acts of lasciviousness. This carries the penalty of 6 months and 1 day to 6 years in prison. If however the touching was done only to vex or spite the girl, the offense is unjust vexation. Unjust vexation equates to 1 day to 1 month in prison.

10. The rule in number 9 is different if the touching was done in a theater. Touching your date's tits in a movie theater against her objections is always an act of lasciviousness. Lustful intentions are presumed.