[Merged] Just for Laughs

[Litespeed]

I always love Filipino jokes. They are the best. Ha Ha Ha.

[ssaloon]

Q: anong bansa ang puro gera?
A: HAWAIi

Q: anong bansa puro barkada?
A: FRANCE

Q: anong bansa puro tinapay?
A: JAPANdesal

mas maganda pag inperson yung delivery ng forst 2 jokes... JOKE, JOKE, JOKE!!! :lol:

[baiskee]

Originally posted by ssaloon
Q: anong bansa ang puro gera?
A: HAWAIi

Q: anong bansa puro barkada?
A: FRANCE

Q: anong bansa puro tinapay?
A: JAPANdesal

mas maganda pag inperson yung delivery ng forst 2 jokes... JOKE, JOKE, JOKE!!! :lol:

mas maganda siguro di mo na lang nilagay joke mo. nyahahaha

peace bro...:D :D

[ssaloon]

Q: baket mamamatay na ang kalendaryo?
A: kasi bilang na mga araw nya.

Q: ano tinatanong ni ja rule pag-oorder sa restaurant?
A: MesMeRize?

joke, joke, joke! :D

[TEAL]

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! galing ng jokes ni kimpoy!!!! nasita tuloy ako ng boss ko kasi tawa ako ng tawa & di nagtratrabaho, hahahahahaha!!!!!!

[TEAL]

A young, good-looking Congressman from Laguna sponsored a bill recommending Filipino language be used in all levels of accounting firms and banking institutions. The solon claimed it will provide a better understanding of the business transactions for those who are inexperienced and non-English speaking citizens. The bill received unanimous approval from the House and was presented to the President for signature to become a law of the land. But in spite of the overwhelming pressure from the members of Congress, President Gloria Arroyo vetoed the bill. Why? She found out that when the English "business" words are translated in Tagalog, they sound very malicious and are "nakaka-hiya at nakaka-kilabot!" Here are a few sample words -
English to Tagalog:
Asset - Ari
Fixed asset - Nakatirik na ari
Liquid asset - Basang ari
Solid asset - Matigas na ari
Owned asset - Sariling pag aari
Other asset - Ari ng iba
Miscellaneous asset - Iba-ibang klaseng ari
Asset write off - Pinutol na pagaari
Depreciation of asset - Laspag na pagaari
Fully depreciated asset - Laspag na laspag na pagaari
Earning asset - Tumutubong pagaari
Working asset - Ganado pa ang ari
Non-earning asset - Baldado na ang ari
Erroneous entry - Mali ang pagka pasok
Double entry - Dalawang beses ipinasok
Mutiple entry - Labas pasok nang labas pasok
Correcting entry - Itinama ang pagpasok
Reversing entry - Baligtad ang pagkakapasok
Dead asset - Patay na ang ARI

[kimpOy]

na post ko na ito before pero nabaon na yata pero ito ulit

SHOWBIZ BLOOPERS
==========================

"Alam mo ate Ludz, you know, when you are alone, you really
have to step your foot...ah ,forward!"
> MELANIE MARQUEZ ANSWERING ATE LUDS QUESTION: Paano ka nag-susurvive sa mga trials mo?

" Ano kasi, she is, I mean she was, kasi past tense na nga pala..."
> SNOOKY ANSWERING A QUESTION FROM THE PANEL IN SEE-TRUE

> Eddie Mercado: Of the three titles at stake, which would you want to win?
> Finalist: I want to win the Bb. Pilipinas Universe because it honor to represent the Philippines in the whole Universe!
BINIBINING PILIPINAS CIRCA 70's

Alma Moreno wrapping up the conversation with Joey in her now defunct show Rated A. Joey de Leon was the co-host.
> Alma: So Joey, paki ulit muli yung concert mo sa University of Belt.
> Joey de leon: Ness naman eh, kaya tayo pinagtatawanan eh, University Belt

> Joe Quirino: Sharon, are you familiar with the current problems we have in the film industry?
> Sharon: Sorry, Tito Joe, I'm afraid not.
> JQ: What about you Myra, what can you say?
> Myra Manibog: Naku Tito Joe, I'm afraid also!

> Joey de Leon: How are you?
> Miss Gay Philippines contestant: How are you too!


> Eddie Mercado: Angie Dickinson has insured her legs for a million dollar, would you also do the same?
> Melanie Marquez: NO, of course no, because I am proud and contented with my long legged.
With this answer, she bagged the crown and eventually won the Miss International in 1978.

> Joe Cantada: So Atoy, what are your prospects now, mukhang makakayanan kayo ng Toyota this coming semi-finals round...
> Atoy Co: Well Joe, the ball is around! (naghanap tuloy ng bola si Joe)

> PBA anchor: So sino sa tingin mo Arnie ang may appeal sa iyong artista natin?
> Arnie Tuadles (SLN): Si JEN siyempre!
> Anchor: Sinong Jen?
> Arnie T: Si JEN SABURIT.

SA GERMSPECIAL...debut ni Janice de Belen!
> Kuya Germs: Happy Birthday Janice, Ana, may sasabihin ka pa?
> Ana Margarita Gonzales (sister ni Kring-Kring): Ilan taon ka na ngayon, Janice?

Snooky and Tom Babauta ing on Germspecial
> Kuya Germs: Do you love Philippines?
> Tom: Yes Kuya Germs.
> Kuya Germs: Have you ah made love to a Filipina?

Lydia immediately after winning against PT Usha of India for the Century Dash.in 1984 Asian Games.
> Reporter: What happened Lydia, mukhang bumanat ka sa ending.
> Lydia: OO nga, mabilis siya, but you know, I ran and I fast!

New Year's presentation ng See True:
> Ate Luds: O sige ano na ang inyong prediction para kay Stella Strada?
> Madam Auring: Lalo siyang sisikat sa darating na taon at
malalampasan niya ang kasikatan ni Alma Moreno!
> Kinabukasan - HEADLINE: STELLA STRADA COMMITS SUICIDE!
>
> Joey de Leon: Ano sa tingin mo ang katangian mo na iba sa mga kalaban mo?
> Miss Gay Philippines Contestant: Unang-una, isa akong tunay na Babaeng Pilipina na handang maglingkod sa bayan. Alam ko na ang isang Gay na katulad ko ay maaring maging halimbawa sa lipunan. OO nga kami'y pinagtatawanan subalit may karapatan din naman kaming mabuhay para hindi lamang sa sarili kundi para sa mga taong aming mapaglilingkuran.
> Joey: So Ano nga ang katangian iba sa iyo?
> Contestant: Palangiti ako.
> Vic: Kahit walang tao?

> Isang panelist sa See-True: Paano mo nabibigyanbuhay ang pag-bobold?
> Coca Nicolas: Pinaiinum ako ni Tito Rey ng FONDADOR.

> Joey de Leon: Ano ang masasabi mo sa katayuan ng mga katulad mo sa lipunan, sabi nila...blah, blah, blah..
> Miss Gay Phil Contestant: (panay ang ngiti at halatang
kinakabahan...)
> Unang una Joey at Vic, Magandang tanghali sa inyong lahat. Pwedeng pakiulit yung tanong?

> NAP GUTIERREZ INTERVIEWING MANILYN REYNES IN MOVIE MAGAZINE
> NAP: Saan ka movie outfit nakakontrata?
> MANILYN: So far, hindi ko naman pinoproblema ang mga wardrobes ko kasi ex-deal naman eh.

> JULLIE YAP DAZA ING ON VILMA!
> JULLIE: O Vi nag- na ko dito sa show. Ikaw,kailan ka naman mag-ge- sa show ko?
> VILMA: Alam mo naman Tita Jullie, busy kami ni Ralph sa
pag-a-arrange ng kasal namin. Siguro pagkatapos na lang ng marriage!

> If I were to compare the stars of my era with the star discoveries of Dr. Rey dela Cruz, it would be like placing the Taj Majal of India side by side with a Volkswagen. * CELIA RODRIGUEZ

> Ang ganda ng gospel number na yon,napaka-enlighting. Teka magpupunas lang ako, I'm sweatening.
> *VILMA SANTOS

> Thank you, Lucky for the flowers...where did they came from?
> *VILMA SANTOS

> Salamat po sa Board of Judges. Ito na ho yata ang pinakamaligaya kong pasko at manigong bagong taon sa inyong lahat.
> * MELANIE MARQUEZ'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR WINNING BEST ACTRESS IN A METRO FILMFEST

> "Sa tingin ko ang pinaka-asset ko sa mukha ko ay ugali! Mabait kasi ako eh"
> *MR. POGI CONTESTANT'S ANSWER TO THE QUESTION: ANO SA MUKHA MO ANG PINAKA-ASSET MO?

> Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Ma.Rosario Liboon, I come from the beautiful city of Pangasinan...City!
> *SHE'S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT DURING THE PARADE OF CONTESTANTS

> Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Carmelita Hernandez, I come from Pasay City and I want to be a medicine!
> *ANOTHER SHE'S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT DURING THE PARADE OF CONTESTANTS

> BOY A: O Melanie, do you have any message to your mother-in-law in case nanonood siya ngayon!
> MELANIE: You know what Kuya Boy, I have to speak in English cause she cannot understand Tagalog. "You know what Mrs. Dee...I've long been wanting to tell you this... Ang labo mo!"

> EDU: So who's to blame?
> VILMA: Excuse me, it's not my fault anymore. It's your fault anymore!

> DESSA AFTER SINGING A SPOT NUMBER IN A REGINE VELASQUEZ CONCERT. DESSA APPARENTLY SANG A VERY VOCALLY CHALLENGING SONG AND AS EXPECTED, ENDED IT WITH A THROAT BREAKING NOTE. REGINE ENTERS.
> DESSA: O kala mo ikaw lang ang mataas ang boses. Kaya mo yun?
> REGINE: Eh ano ngayon, maganda ka ba?

> SABRINA M. MAKES TARAY TO OSANG IN A TALK SHOW.
> SABRINA M: At least hindi naman ako katulad ng iba diyan na retokado ang boobs.
> OSANG: Hoy Sabrina, oo nga itong boobs ko retokado. Pero at least ang ngipin ko hindi pustiso tulad ng sa yo! Ooops huwag kang magagalit baka malaglag yan sa sahig!

> "I am not an addict. I am the victims!" (WALA TALAGA SIYANG PAGOD,NO?)
> *Melanie Marquez-

> Host: "Ano ba ang pinaka-favorite mong movie lately, Melanie?"
> Melanie Marquez: "Maganda yung kay Emma Thompson at Kate Winslet, yung "Simple and Simplicity".

Sa "Kris and Tell":
> Kris: Can you describe Dingdong in three words?
> Jessa zaragosa: Ay naku, kahit na one word na lang... MY LIFE!

. Salamat po sa Board of Judges. Ito na ho yata ang pinakamaligaya kong pasko at manigong bagong taon sa inyong lahat.

* MELANIE MARQUEZ'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR WINNING BEST ACTRESS IN A METRO FILMFEST

Successful naman ang libing ng nanay ko. *BABETTE VILLARUEL


EDU: So who's to blame?

VILMA: Excuse me, it's not my fault anymore. It's your fault anymore!


CHARLIE ARCEO: EXKYUSH me, Ate LUDSH, I have a QUESHTION to ISHNOOKY.

ISHNOOKY,GUSHTO ko lang SHANANG itanong....

SNOOKY: (SUMINGIT BEFORE CHARLIE COMPLETES HIS QUESTION)

Excuse me Charlie, pero puwede bang isulat mo na lang para malinaw?


OVERHEARD FROM A GIRL NA GALIT SA KARARATING NA BOYFRIEND SA STARBUCKS.

GIRL: My God you're so late. Where did you...Where have you... Where do you...saan ka ba galing???


HOST: WHICH DO YOU PREFER: BLONDE OR DUMB?

GIRL: DUMB NA LANG AT LEAST HINDI AKO MAPAGKAKAMALANG BLONDE!





"I am inviting all the televiewers to watch our movie "14 Going Steady on the twenty-twoth of November...."

(HAY NAKU, O SIYA....)
*Nadia Montenegro


"Sana po'y panoorin natin ang The Life Story Of Julie Vega...alam kong masaya si Julie ngayon dahil it's just around the corner.

(GAWIN DAW BANG CHRISTMAS SPIRIT SI JULIE?)
*Nadia Montenegro


"I am not an addict. I am the victims!" (WALA TALAGA SIYANG PAGOD,NO?)

*Melanie Marquez-






. "Sikat na sikat ka talaga! Wala akong masabi sa yo. Wala akong masabi lalo na sa kabaduyan mo!"

*Ai Ai delas Alas on her concert, with April Boy Regino

"Magandang Tanghali po, ako po si Luzviminda Cortez mula sa Camarines Sur, sumalangit na po ang inyong kaluluwa!"

*Miss Gay Philippines candidate during the parade of candidates

[OTEP]

Ang sarap tumawa dito sa school... hehehe

[TEAL]

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[Litespeed]

kimpOy, your showbiz bloopers are very funny. nabasa ko na dati 'to pero oks pa rin kahit ulit-ulitin. HAHAHAHA
Most filipino actresses are gorgeous. but they are DUMB as a wall.

[kimpOy]

sarap ngang ulit-ulitin

lalo na yung si JEN............ JEN SABURIT he..he..he..he

> Joe Quirino: Sharon, are you familiar with the current problems we have in the film industry?
> Sharon: Sorry, Tito Joe, I'm afraid not.
> JQ: What about you Myra, what can you say?
> Myra Manibog: Naku Tito Joe, I'm afraid also!
(bwahahahha)

[lacsanet]

PINOY LESSONS IN LINGUISTICS

1. Noong 1940's, kapag may bra ang babae, pinagbubulungan na at
mababansagang malandi. Noon din ay may French perfume na ang tatak ay Eclat
(silent T). Kaya ang taong maarte ay tinawag ng mga Pinoy na Eclat
(pronounce the T). Ngayon kapag maraming tsetseburetse at kaartehan ganon
din ang tawag, "Ang dami mo namang eklat." Kinalaunan, pinaikli pa ang eklat
at naging ek-ek- "Ang tagal mo namang magdesisyon kung sasama ka o hindi!
Ang dami mong ek-ek!"

2. Noong elementary ako, uso pa ang Wakasan, sinusubaybayan ko ang nobelang
Tubig at Langis; ang Movie Especial na komiks kung saan kapanapanabik ang
bawat eksena sa buhay ni Zuma na siya namang ama ni Galema. Sa komiks ang
tawag sa babaeng nagbebenta ng panandaliang aliw ay baylerina. Kinalaunan,
naging belyas, tapos naging English, hospitality girls tapos ngayon GRO.

3. Elementary ako nang makagisnan ko ang batiang "Give Me Five". Masyado
yatang pormal ang handshake kaya "Give me Five, Man" ang pumalit.
Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang kapag natutunan ng kanilang anak na paslit ang
mag-give me five. Tapos sa mga American games, naging High Five o "Give me
five, up here!" Hindi pahuhuli ang Pinoy basta galing sa America. Ang "Give
me five, up here" ay naging "Appear". Halos lahat yata ng Pinoy babies
ganito ang series of training, "Anak, where is the light; where is the
moon?" Ang nadagdag, "Appear! Appear!" At dahil sa E.T. ni Speilberg,
"Align, Align!" Again, Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang.

4. Nang mag- Community Medicine ako noon sa isang slum area ng Sta. Ana,
Manila. Ito ang top 3 gamit na hindi mawawala sa mga bahay, gaano mang
kaliit ang barung-barong: 1. Panyong may tatak na panalangin ng El Shaddai
2. Television 3. Karaoke. Kakambal na ng Pinoy ang pagkanta. Noon, kapag
nagkakantahan, gamit ay gitara at song hits (Jingle). Napalitan ito nang
70's-80's ng minus one. Tapos, karaoke. Ngayon, videoke, at sa huling talaan
ng pagkakaalam ko, 8 na ang namamatay sa "My Way". Naalala ko noong
elementary pa ko, nagtayo ang kuya ko at ng kanyang mga kaibigan ng isang
Combo. Ngayon, ang tawag sa singing group ay-- Band, hindi na Combo at ang
Combo ngayon ay tumutukoy sa Jollibee o McDonald's promo.

5. Sa PGH, may tinatawag na Central Block. Nandoon ang Radiology Department
kung saan ginagawa ang mga X-rays, Ultrasound, CT Scan at Radiotherapy. Dito
ko naobserbahan ang evolution ng mga pinoy medical terms. May mga pasyente o
bantay na aking nasasalubong, ang madalas magtanong ng direksyon.

Mga Versions ng CT Scan: (Ganon na rin yon, no!)
1. "Dok saan po ba ang Siete Scan?" 2. "Doc saan po ba magpapa-CT Skull"
3. "Doc saan po ba CT Scalp" 4. "Doc saan po ang CT Scam?"

Madalas akong mapagtanungan ng direction papunta sa Cobalt Room. "Doc saan
po ba ang Cobal" Yes, laging walang T, marami na ang ginagamit na term ay
Cobal. Saan napunta ang "T". Marami din kasing nagtatanong, "Doc, saan po ba
ang papuntang X-Tray?" Conclusion: Ang "T" ng Cobalt, ay napunta sa X-Tray.

7:00 am. Nagbigay ang kasamahan kong doktor ng instruction sa bantay ng
pasyente, "Mister, punta po kayo sa Central Block at magpa-schedule kayo ng
X-ray ng pasyente ninyo."

3:00 pm. Kadarating lang ng bantay. Nagalit na ang doktor, "Mister, bakit
namang napakatagal ninyong bumalik? Pina-schedule ko lang naman ang X-ray
ah." Sumagot ang bantay, "Eh kasi po Doc, ang tagal kong naghintay sa gate,
haggang sabihin ng guwardiya na sarado daw po ang Central Bank kasi Sabado
ngayon." (Nasa Roxas Blvd ang Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, at sarado nga
naman yon kapag Sabado, hihihihihi)

6. Nang mag-rounds ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH, mahal na mahal talaga
ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan
ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?"
Mrs 1: "Doc phenobarbiedoll po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po phenobarbital." (Gamot sa convulsion ang phenobarbital)

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs 2: "Doc metromanilazole po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po metronidazole." (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)

Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)
Doktor: "Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na po kayo sa
PACU.
Mrs 3: "Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit
ng inyong anak?"
Mrs 4: "Eh Doc sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.
Doktor: "Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang congenital Heart Disease ang
Tetralogy of Fallot)

Biglang nagtatarang ang isang nanay at sumigaw.
Mrs. 5: "Scissors! Scissors! Nag-sciscissors ang anak ko, Doc!"
Doktor: "Nurse, diazepam please, nag-seizure ang pasyente!

Doktor: "Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs. 6: May ketong daw po.
In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng
ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto.
Wala talaga.
Doktor: "Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang sakit ng bata?"
Mrs 6: "Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa
ihi dahil may diabetes."
Doktor: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa ihi ay senyales ng
kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)

Doktor: (Sa buntis na mrs. na nagle-labor) "Mrs. pumutok na po ba ang
panubigan mo?"
Mrs 7: "Eh Doc, wala naman po akong narinig na pagsabog." (Hanep!)

:D :p

[happiman]

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

******************

Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!

******************

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
" Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment...
:D :D :D

[gretzy]

Q: anong saging ang binabalutan muna bago kinakain?

A: turon :D

ang korni ko, nakakatawa. hehehe

[ssaloon]

ang baduy non ah....

[gretzy]

sensya na! :D mas natawa ako sa kakornihan.hehehe

[newbie13]

Girl walks into the kitchen of a popular restaurant. She sees the chef making hamburger patties my squeezing it under his armpit.
G:Yuks, dats da most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
Chef: No its not. you should come here in the morning, and see how we make Donuts :P

[newbie13]

eto pa mas kornik !!

Interview with a Kolehiyala.

Q: What is the difference between Kamote and P*nis?
Kolehiyala: YOUR'E SO YUCKY!!! I DON'T EAT KAMOTE, 'NO?!

[ephraim]

[artpogi]

Things People Say (Courtroom Quotations)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------