One Liner Jokes by the Late Rodney Dangerfield

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "

"My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."

"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no *** life at all."

"When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home."

"My kid's the worst. For my birthday present, he put super glue in my Preperation H"

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!"

"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."

"On Halloween... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different... when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."

"They say... Love thy neighbor as thy self... What am I supposed to do? jerk him off too?"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
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