[Merged] Just for Laughs

**silverbx986** · June 9th, 2006 08:30 AM

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
***
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
***
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
***
There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.
***
Life is ***ually transmitted.
***
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
***
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
***
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
***
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
***
Why does the OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?
***
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
***
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
***
Does pushing the elevator more than once make it arrive faster?
***

**bavent** · June 12th, 2006 08:15 PM

Pinoy Humor -- defies translation -- enjoy

Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.

Better late than pregnant.

Behind the clouds are the other clouds.

It's better to cheat than to repeat!

Do unto others... then run!!!

Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop.

Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa bagong gising, 'wag lang sa
lasing na bagong gising.

When all else fails, follow instructions.

Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.

To err is human, to errs is humans.

Ang taong nagigipit...sa bumbay kumakapit

Pag may usok...may nag-iihaw

Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin... may utang.

No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry.

Birds of the same feather that pray together...stay together.

Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.

Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.

Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang pinanggalingan .... ay may
stiff neck.

Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.

Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may taga, may tahi.

Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.

Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment

Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.

Better late than later....

Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay
kubo, sa paligid ligid ay puno ng linga.

Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!

No man is an island because time is gold. (Huh?)

Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto.. muta lang yan.

Kapag ang puno mabunga...mataba ang lupa!

When it rains...it floods (especially in Manila )

Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon .. mauubusan din ng kandila.

Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw, minsan nasa
vulcanizing shop.

Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan... sapul.

Try and try until you succeed... or else try another.

Ako ang nagsaing... iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh.

Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik.

Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.

If you can't beat them, shoot them. (Nalundasan)

An apple a day is too expensive.

An apple a day makes seven apples a week. (really expensive)

__._,_.___

**swordsman** · June 13th, 2006 10:43 AM

English murdered by Pinoys

"Guys, let's call it tonight!"
"All of a suddenly..."
"C'mon! Let's get it on with it!"
"When it rains, it's four."
"Thanks God!"
"The nerves!" or "The nerd!"
"The idea crossed at the back of my mind."
"(name of person), eat your hat out!"
"This is our rooster of clients..."
"The more the manyer."
"It's a no-win-win situation."
"Burn the bridge when you get there."
"Anulled and void."
"Mute and academic."
"C'mon let's join us!"
"If worse comes to shove."
"Are you joking my leg?"
"It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore."
"What are friends are for?"
"You can never can tell."
"Well well well. Look do we have here!"
"Let's give them a big hand of applause."
"Been there, been that."
"Forget it about it."
"Give him the benefit of the daw."
"It's a blessing in the sky."
"Right there and right then."
"Where'd you came from?"
"Take things first at a time."
"You're barking at the wrong dog."
"You want to have your cake and bake it too."
"First and for all"
"Now and there."
"I'm only human nature."
"The sky's the langit."
"That's what I'm talking about it."
"One of these days is not like the other."
"So far, so good, so far."
"Time is of the elements."
"In the wink of an eye."
"The feeling is actual."
"For all intense and purposes."
"I ran into some errands."
"Hi. I'm (state your name), what's yours?"

"What is the world is coming to?"
"What is the next that is?"
"Get the most of both worlds."
"Whatever you say so."
"Base-to-base casis."
"My answers have been prayered."
"Please me alone!"
"It's as brand as new."
"So... what's a beautiful girl like you?...."
"I can't take it anymore of this!"
"Are you sure ka na ba?" (My personal favorite!)
"Can't you just cut me some slacks?"
"I couldn't care a damn!"
"what's your next class before this?"
"nothing in this world is perfect except the word change."
"Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the
top?(ulitin natin hanggang mamatay tayo.)
"my dad brought home a lot of hand-me-downs!" (translation:daming
pasalubong ng tatay ko)
"standard & chartered bank"
"I'm very iterated! (translation:galit sya!)
"I'm sorry, my boss just passed away." (translation : kakadaan lang
ng boss nya.)
"Hello, my boss is out of town, would you like to wait?"
"What happened after the erection of mayon volcano?"
"Don't touch me not!"
"Hello,.. for a while, please hang yourself..."
"It's spilled milk under the bridge."
"Don't change anything! keep it at ease."
"Hello mcdo, magiinquire lang ako kung magkano ang kidney meal?"
"Out of fit ako these days e..."
"Bring down the house down!"

**claRkEnt** · June 14th, 2006 11:17 AM

Nagkaroon ng exam ang agencies ng USA para malaman kung sino sa mga agencies ang magaling mag execute ng man-hunt. Ang mga participants ay:

NYPD = New York Police Department, USA
FBI = Federal Bureau of Investigation, USA
CIA = Central Intelligence Agency, USA
PNP = Philippine National Police, Phil (Special International Guest Participant)

Isang puting rabbit ang papakawalan sa isang gubat. Each agency will be given three (3) months to find the rabbit.

Unang grupong contestant, NYPD.

Pumasok sa gubat ang kanilang search and rescue squad, S.W.A.T., at pinalibutan ng mga police ang buong gubat. Ipinasok rin nila sa gubat ang kanilang detectives, at experts sa paghahanap ng nawawala.

After 3 months, lumabas ang NYPD sa gubat.

Nag release sila ng press statement, "After 3 months of intensive search for the white rabbit, we regret to inform you that because the rabbit had a head start, it was able to elude our units, and was able to pass through our dragnet. The rabbit has escaped."

Next ang FBI.

Pumasok rin sa gubat mga FBI, dala dala ang mga helicopters, mga sniffing dogs, at sari saring experts para hanapin ang rabbit.

After 3 months, lumabas ang FBI sa gubat.

Nag release rin sila ng press statement, "After 3 months of finding the white rabbit, we had some interesting leads. However, as we were closing in on its location, somebody must have tipped it off, and it was able to elude us by disguising as a deer. The rabbit has escaped."

Next ang CIA.

Pumasok ang CIA, at dahil meron silang special powers to request assistance from the US Military, dinala na rin nila ang US Army para tulungan sila sa paghanap.
After 3 months of firefight, bombing, and special operations, lumabas ang CIA sa gubat.

Sabi nila sa press statement, "We used everything at our disposal. We didn't leave any stone unturned. We bombed everything in sight. I'm sure, you will not find any rabbit there anymore. He's probably scattered all around the forest in tiny little pieces!"

Last, but not least, the PNP.

Napatawa ang ibang agencies dahil ang pumasok lang sa gubat na PNP ay lima lang.

Pero laking gulat na lang nila dahil next day mismo, lumabas ang PNP, dala dala ay isang grizzly bear, na naka posas, bugbog sarado ang mukha, halos sarado ang isang mata dahil sa bugbog, dugu-an, at sumisigaw,

"OO NA! OO NA!!! AKO ANG WHITE RABBIT!!! AKO ANG WHITE RABBIT!!!"

**russpogi** · June 14th, 2006 04:46 PM

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Hahaha!!! Panalo 'to!

**zidane21** · June 14th, 2006 07:49 PM

:bwahaha:

**Chip** · June 14th, 2006 09:46 PM

LMAO!!!

**swordsman** · June 15th, 2006 12:02 PM

Bugtungan
Patpat mong matigas, labas masok sa butas.
Pag iyong idiin, giniling-giling, kiliti and mararating.
Ano ito?............ Cotton buds! Wag dumi isip ha, bad iyan.

Pulis: Bakit mo inihagis ang bata sa bintana?
Yaya: Sinunod ko lang po ang utos ng amo ko.
Sabi po ng amo ko, 'wala na tayong Pampers,
i- Huggies mo na lang si baby.

What is the most impressive example of Tolerance?
Ah! Golden Wedding Anniversary!

Applicants
Two girls nag-aaply ng work…1 matalino, 1 bobo
Matalino: Buti ka pa natanggap. Ano ba ginawa mo?
Bobo: Wala. Nung nag-fill up me ng form, nilagay ko
sa ***, sure.

Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing
Religion, ***uality and Mystery.
Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who
the father is?"

Sensitive Child
1st day in school...
Mom to teacher - Very sensitive po ang anak ko. Kung kailangan nyo po parusahan, sampalin nyo na lang po ang katabi nya. matatakot na 'yan!

Love and Marriage Cycle
1-2 yrs: magkasalo sa plato
3-5 yrs: tig-isang plato
5-7 yrs: nagbabatuhan na ng plato
8-10 yrs: wala na silang plato
That is what we call PLATOnic love!

Three brothers named Bu, Chu and Fu migrated to USA from China.
They decided to change their names:
Bu became Buck
Chu became Chuck .
Fu decided to go back to China.

Man: I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!

Do you know why bra makers measure cup size by "A B C D E F"?
A - almost gone
B - barely noticeable
C - comfortable
D - damn good
E - extremely big and
F - Fake

Learning French
City - ce vou
Drug - sha vou
Good bye - va vou
Bald - cal vou
Caught in the act - navo cou
Feathers - valahi vou
Not clear - mala vou
Cute - a cou

Chalk
Amo: 'Day, ang chalk na ito para mamatay ang ipis. Gamitin mo sa pader.
Maid : Opo, ati.
Next day ...... Nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader...
"Epes mamatay kayong lahat!"

Katapusan
Lumindol ng malakas noon.... Nagkagulo and lahat at nag-panic.
Sumigaw ang! isang lalake.. "Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa pang lalake.. "Tanga, a kinse pa lang."

**aromatics** · June 16th, 2006 12:15 AM

A man goes to jail just after his honeymoon with the brand new beautiful wife...

Luckily junior was conceived in that honeymonn night...

Finally after ten long years without s.ex inside prison, the Man is freed and the beautiful wife and son picks him up....

After about an hour of eternity driving from prison to their house a loud conversation inside the car is heard...

Man : FF!
Wife : EF!
Man : FF!
Wife : EF!
Man : FF!
Wife : EF!
Junior : Mom! Dad! What are you arguing about! (shouted annoyingly)

Man (shouting back annoyed) : Your Mother Wants to EAT FIRST!!!