Kwentong Jebaks

[Negus]

[swimstroke]

Hehe, kamamadali ng isang taong malapit sakin napkin ng girl ang nakuha imbes na tissue sa vendo. Binalatan pa niya para lumabas yung cotton na part. :lol:

[morrissey_05]

dati mapili talaga ako, jebs only at home. wen i joined my school's mountaineering group, nahirapan ako lalo. pero when i learned na, strike anywhere na ako, kahit sa work or sa mall.

i had my best jebs on top of Mt. Banahaw (for my induction into the mountaineering group), with a view to boot! it was heavenly!!

[ghalid]

sumakit tyan ko dito.. kumakain pa naman kami ng mangga at bagoong ngayon.. mamaya sundutin ko ice cream..

[Elroi]

di nyo ba alam na may iba't-ibang klase yan...

DIFFERENT KINDS OF SH*T

1 THE GHOST SH*T - The kind where you feel sh*t come out, see sh*t on the toilet paper, but there's no sh*t in the bowl.
2 THE CLEAN SH*T - The kind where you feel sh*t come out, see sh*t in the bowl, but there's no sh*t on the toilet paper.
3 THE WET SH*T - You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
4 THE SECOND WAVE SH*T - This sh*t happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,and you suddenly realize you have to sh*t some more.
5 THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SH*T - Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Sh*t". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
6 THE LINCOLN LOG SH*T- The kind of sh*t that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
7 THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SH*T- The kind of sh*t you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
8 THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SH*T" SH*T- The kind where you want to sh*t, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
9 THE WET CHEEKS SH*T - Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
10 THE LIQUID SH*T - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,burns your butt.
11 THE CROWD PLEASER - This sh*t is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
12 THE MOOD ENHANCER - This sh*t occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
13 THE RITUAL - This sh*t occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
14 THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SH*T- A sh*t so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
15 THE AFTERSHOCK SH*T - This sh*t has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
16 THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SH*T - This is any sh*t created in the presence of another person.
17 THE GROANER - A sh*t so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
18 THE FLOATER - Characterized by its floatability, this sh*t has been known to resurface after many flushings.
19 THE RANGER - A sh*t which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
20 THE PHANTOM SH*T - This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

[Elroi]

21 THE PEEK-A-BOO SH*T - Now you see it, now you don't. This sh*t is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
22 THE BOMBSHELL - A sh*t that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to sh*t (while on a bus or having a haircut) or you are nowhere near sh*tting facilities.
23 THE SNAKE CHARMER - A long skinny sh*t which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
24 THE OLYMPIC SH*T - This sh*t occurs exactly 5 minutes prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Sh*t.
25 THE BACK-TO-NATURE SH*T - This sh*t may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
26 THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SH*T - An adorable collection of small sh*t in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T sh*t.
27 PREMEDITATED SH*T - Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
28 SH*TZOPHERENIA - Fear of sh*tting - can be fatal!
29 ENERGIZER BUNNY SH*T - Also known as a "Still Going" sh*t.
30 THE POWER DUMP SH*T - The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
31 THE LIQUID PLUMBER SH*T - This kind of sh*t is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Sh*t.)
32 THE SPINAL TAP SH*T - The kind of sh*t that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
33 THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SH*T - Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Sh*ts. The shape and size of the thing resembles a beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
34 THE PORRIDGE SH*T - The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
35 THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SH*T - When the bag of chips you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
36 THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SH*T - When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
37 THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SH*T - Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they come out running and gasping for air.
38 THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING STILL DANGLING THERE" SH*T- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

[irmscher]

>> HOW TO POOP AT WORK
>>>
>>> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
>>> much as we try to
>>> convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is
>>> inevitable. For those who
>>> hate pooping at work, following is the Survival
>>> Guide for taking a dump
>>> at work.
>>>
>>> CROP DUSTING:
>>>
>>> When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
>>> the smell is not in
>>> your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
>>> know where it came
>>> from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
>>> the full fart has
>>> been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
>>> the smell has left
>>> your pants.
>>>
>>> FLY BY:
>>>
>>> This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
>>> pooping. Walk in and
>>> check for other poopers. If there are others in the
>>> bathroom, leave and
>>> come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
>>> FLYER. People may
>>> become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
>>> into the bathroom.
>>>
>>> ESCAPEE:
>>>
>>> This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
>>> the urinal or
>>> forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually
>>> accompanied by a sudden wave
>>> of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
>>> acknowledge
>>> it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
>>> next to the farter in
>>> the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one
>>> likes an escapee. It is
>>> uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
>>> laughing makes both
>>> parties feel uneasy.
>>>
>>> JAILBREAK:
>>>
>>> When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
>>> machine gun pace. This
>>> is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
>>> If this should
>>> happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
>>> everyone has left the
>>> bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
>>> just occurred.
>>>
>>> COURTESY FLUSH:
>>>
>>> The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
>>> hits the water.This
>>> reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink
>>> up the bathroom.
>>> This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
>>> OF SHAME.
>>>
>>> WALK OF SHAME:
>>>
>>> Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
>>> after you have just
>>> stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
>>> uncomfortable moment if
>>> someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is
>>> best to pretend
>>> that the smell does not exist. This very
>>> uncomfortable walk can be
>>> avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>>>
>>> OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
>>>
>>> This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
>>> proud of it. You will
>>> often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
>>> bathroom with a
>>> newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
>>> look around the
>>> office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
>>> entering the bathroom.
>>>
>>> THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
>>>
>>> A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
>>> emergency pooping goes
>>> off without incident. This group can help you to
>>> monitor the whereabouts
>>> of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
>>> HAVENS.
>>>
>>> SAFE HAVENS:
>>>
>>> A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in
>>> the building
>>> whereyou can least expect visitors. Try floors that
>>> are predominantly of
>>> theopposite ***. This will reduce the odds of a
>>> pooper of your ***
>>> entering the bathroom.
>>>
>>> TURD BURGLAR:
>>>
>>> This is someone who does not realize that you are in
>>> the stall and tries
>>> to force the door open. This is one of the most
>>> shocking and vulnerable
>>> moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If
>>> this occurs, remain
>>> in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
>>> you will avoid all
>>> uncomfortable eye contact.
>>>
>>> CAMO-COUGH:
>>>
>>> A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
>>> bathroom that you
>>> are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be
>>> used to cover-up a
>>> WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
>>> Camo-Cough is very
>>> effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>>>
>>> ASTAIRE:
>>>
>>> An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
>>> potential Turd
>>> Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
>>> all doubt that the
>>> stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the
>>> bathroom immediately
>>> so the pooper can poop in peace.
>>>
>>> WATERMELON:
>>>
>>> A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud
>>> splash when hitting the
>>> toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
>>> incident. If you feel a
>>> Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
>>> CAMO-COUGH.
>>>
>>> HAVANA OMELET:
>>>
>>> A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
>>> splashes in the toilet
>>> water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
>>> Camo-Cough with an
>>> Astaire.
>>>
>>> UNCLE TODD:
>>>
>>> An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
>>> around forever.
>>> This person could spend extended lengths of time in
>>> front of the mirror
>>> or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it
>>> difficult to relax while
>>> on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop
>>> when the bathroom is
>>> empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
>>> attendees.
>>>
>>>
>

[_Cathy_]

I couldn't help myself from laughing while reading this. hehehe.

[chua_riwap]

^^^ Langya ayos tong nahukay mo Cathy ah........

[JJCarEnthusiast]

this was a freakin funny thread :hysterical: ok toh si doc otep :rofl:

me i have a story.
classmate ko who is just about my body size and height (big) who will really fight back when may mang-asar sa kanya. one day may naamoy kami na mabaho. sya is very quiet lang. sabi namin ah baka basura yan. sabi ng isang kaklase ko, lumapit sa kanya inamoy ang ilalim ng chair nya den sabi "ikaw ang mabaho eh! o tignan mo, ikaw talaga" sabi nya "hindi nga basura lang yan" den sa last period di na talaga namin ma take ang baho tinanong samin kung sino ang nag popo. ayaw nyang umamin kasi baka mapahiya sya. sabi ng tr ilabas nalang daw nang mahiya. den sabi namin "tr kami nalang lahat ng boys lalabas kasi mapapahiya sya eh." ok namn sa tr. kaya ayun lumabas kami lahat patungo cr. ang iba tumatakbo tumatalon-talon pa, sya pasimple at dahan dahan lang para hindi mahulog ang jebs. pag dating dun ayun nilabas na nya. ang baho! pumasok kami ang baho talaga. my classmates even peep from the top. so nakita sya. eh walang tissue eh. ewan ko anong ginawa nya.

imagine, from morning to afternoon nya yun inipit-ipit sa loob! eh pag discharge nya ayun ang jebs umabot sa kanyang undershirt, pants and even socks!!

parang hinugasan nya yng pants medyas at undershirt nya kasi yun parin sinuut pag uwi eh. ang brip nya tinapon sa likod ng cr kasi may abandoned pig pen doon. punongpuno ng brown ice cream!! dami nga langaw eh. hindi na sya nag brip pag labas nya at hindi na bumalik sa klase at nag absent kinabukasan dahil sa kahihiyan. sa chair pa nya may nauupan syang illustration board, and may skid mark pa ng jebs! lol. we talked to him after. sabi nya naka forward sya ng konti ng upo nun (hindi proper position) nang nauutot sya. pag utot nya may kasama na palang jebs. kaya ayun, umayos ng upo para ma alalayan ang lumabas. ayun nagkalat na ang baho. he went home without his brief riding in his dmax nakakahiya yun sa part nya. ang laking tao pa naman nya