Dealing with my Anger after Wife Confessed Affair

[n2knee]

Two weeks ago, I arrived late from work and got into an argument with my wife. At one point, she was telling me about all the sacrifices she makes for the family, in spite of the temptations, and suddenly confessed that she’d had an emotional affair with someone.

These past few months, I haven’t been the best of husbands. I’ve started a new career and was too focused on it. Meanwhile my family’s finances have been at a relative low and we let go of our maids and transferred to a more affordable residence. Before she told me, I would have laughed at the idea of her having an affair, because I thought I knew her these past 15 years. Always haven’t been very malambing, and been the stereotype silent, macho type. I’ve never trusted emotions too much because they fade.

My wife has taken the brunt of the changes. She left behind her very close neighborhood friends, and found herself again as a full blown house wife, taking care of the kids and the house, literally alone. To add to this, my normal insensitivity increased with my attention drawn to work, oftentimes bringing stuff home on weekends, and leaving the rest of the family to go out to the mall while I stayed behind.

Two months ago, my wife suddenly received a text message from some guy who knew her name, claiming he’d found it written on a piece of paper. My wife tried to send her off, but the guy was persistent. Eventually she texted back, and this started a “friendly” relationship.

A month later, they met for lunch, and in a span of two weeks, they met about 8 times. The guy began to become more amorous in his approach and showered her with constant attention through calls and text messages. In short, she became enamored with him and the tone of their messages became romantic and flirtatious.

At one point, the guy asked what she thought of them “making love” and even asked her to come with him on a vacation. My wife confessed at one point she’d texted that she loved him. It was in text that they were more daring in their communication; face to face, it was quite subdued. Though he tried several times, she wouldn’t let him hold her hand.

At some point, natauhan asawa ko. She started dropping hints to the guy to let go, and later met with him to explain why it wasn’t going to happen. He called one time after that, crying, but she would not reconsider. A week later she told me the story.

I love my wife, and believe her (not just her word, but with a little independent info also) In truth, many years ago, I did far-worse things so I’m no saint, though I’ve worked hard at being one this past decade.

I believe our relationship is all right now. I’ve told her how deeply hurt I felt by what she did. I also admitted that I had been a bad husband the past 6 months, with the caveat that I looked at these two matters as only related, but there should be no causal relationship between them.

Dealing with the wounded feelings is difficult and consuming, and posting this through an alternick, I suppose, is one of the ways I am still processing this. I am indeed thankful it did not go too far, and that she ended it herself.

Discovery of infidelity brings about a myriad of emotions. I don’t want marital advice, I NEED HELP DEALING WITH MY ANGER AT THE GUY. He knew she was married, and said he was married too, but separated. Yeah right. I’ve used that line before also.

She refuses to let me know his full name or his circumstances, but I have already devised ways how to find him, and with today’s technology and my resources, it can be done, and I believe I will succeed. I have played it cool all this time, but all these days I have contemplated on how I will get my pound of flesh.

I will go as far as getting his details. Then what should I do? I don’t know what is considered fair and reasonable under the circumstances, or whether I should do anything at all. I have the balls to confront this guy, or devious enough to let his wife know.

Please let me know what you think. If anything, it will help me with processing this. Thanks.

start ka sa email ng wife mo. may access ka ba sa email ng wife mo? try mo key logger. or pretend to go on a business trip for a few days....and you know the drill.

[webmiester]

I will go as far as getting his details. Then what should I do? I don’t know what is considered fair and reasonable under the circumstances, or whether I should do anything at all. I have the balls to confront this guy, or devious enough to let his wife know.

Please let me know what you think. If anything, it will help me with processing this. Thanks.

This is a very beautiful sharing you have given us.

You have a wonderful and honest wife. She was tricked by this man who is obviously someone who does it regularly with many women.

This man, in my opinion, is good for nothing as far as this relationship is concerned. he is good for nothing - NOT EVEN YOUR TIME.

Just call him up and tell him to leave your wife alone. That's all. He's not worth the trouble for you, remember - He is good for nothing.

[n2knee]

hmm...so she's still engaged in secretive and suspicious behavior? and the same person who almost cheated on you is now "mad" because you find reason not to trust her?? this doesn't look good at all.

there's a difference between trying to make it work, and just being played for a fool.

+1 bro! i agree.

[rlp1099]

tsikoteers,

sad to say been there done that for me

i'll spare you all the bithching and moaning only to add that my hell was even more special since my "friends" new about it and didn't tell me anything

that'll surely be a long discussion for another thread/day

in the spirit of sharing here's what I learned

from well known counselor ( a priest who's part of a very hard core marriage counseling group- sorry but his name escapes me but in my desperation I knocked in his seminary's door, located manila parallel to taft area PGH at 11pm) told me "son, I don't know what to tell you...BOTH of you have to seek counseling and it pains me to tell you that you have to be strong enough to help both of you move forward setting aside your pride and hurt that you are the wounded one"

from my lawyer friend- "do you know how much legal proceedings will cost you and her? both of your time's up- move on, you lost whatever it was that kept you together a long time ago"

from a psychotherapist (former nun with clinic in katipunan area)- "ala kang choice kundi itawid mo sarili mo bago isipin yung kayong dalawa.

finally from my ninang who was also guilty of a past indiscretion- "it was her choice to spread her legs"

from my in-laws it was diplomatic silence all around

'course there were more insightful nuggets but the above were the ones i remembered the most.

so, for us its a day to day thing, really can't say if we survived or healed...
there are days I fell like hacking her to death...some days I love her cooking

am sure she feels the same way...as Cris Rock said "ever catch your woman give you that look? the one that says "how the F...K did I end up with this loser...good Lord in heaven if you exist strike this MOFO down"

very obvious to all our son is what keeps us together and we're a shell of our former selves

so that's the cross I bear and I surely don't wish it on anyone

[angryhubby]

I'm a bit embarrassed. Upon verification, the guy I was texting wasn't the right guy.

She went on this bizarre crusade. It turns out that ever since she printed her name and phone no. for a bunch of flyers and posters, she's been getting missed calls and texts from all over. I got her phone, checked the numbers of the weird texts through a search on the net, and true enough, these numbers come from professional scammers and one particular foul mouthed creep and people had posted about them on forums. She has been bating them then leaving them hanging.

When I confronted her about this, all her sneaky behavior, and how she had lied to me point blank, it turned into a really depressing bull session. She apologized but at the same time defended what she was doing. I told her I couldn't reconcile the person I thought I knew and the one I was talking to. This stupid game put our family and our relationship to risk, especially since it was already in pieces. It was totally reckless.

It also ruined my wonderful illusion, that the real guy was a foul mouthed pro. As demeaning as it would have been, he being a total jerk was more comfortable. I thought I had him figured, and failing so, this made me so frustrated. During our talk, I began saying some really nasty things, pushing us to the brink. At that moment, I was already thinking ghosthunter's ugly prediction that I was a soon to be ex husband was about to come true. She just kept silent, and that made me mad even more.

I reached a realization that the saying love is blind is not entirely accurate. Love blinds us, sometimes. I realized that I had seen all the evidence that she was playing this game, and still I wouldn't accept it. We reached a pact that she'd stop it, and she has. I think it was some form of fallout from what happened. Another realization is that righteousness, when pushed too far, is terribly destructive.

It was cruel to both of us, but I made her tell me as much more about what happened with the real guy. It was devastating, but I had to know as much as I could. Still, she wouldn't give me details like his full name and where he worked, but that's not an issue.

Some parts were better than I expected, they had met 6, not 8 times (ok, not much of a difference, but still), each lasting 30 mins to an hour. I tried to reconstruct the timelines and we went through the story so I could be sure I got it right.

end of june, she receives a text from someone who knew her name. she texted back, thinking it was related to the fliers. The guy keeps sending greeting texts, but she ignores it for a week. Curious, she finally starts asking about him and it leads to a mundane friendship. Two weeks later they meet. The texts between them begin to get amorous like 'take care, remember I'm thinking about you.' She enjoys the attention and the concern.

Meanwhile some incidents between us occurred and she starts comparing me to him. I remember her asking me to take her out, or to drive her to places she had to go. No one to watch the kids, too expensive, just take a taxi. There is one time she calls me at the office, so frustrated that she couldn't get a taxi. She was asking me to call one those cab companies to pick her up and the kids from school. I just gave her the number instead of doing it myself. She couldn't get through and suddenly he calls her and gets to play hero by arranging it for her. In her mind, I'm some chump and he's all caring and concerned. Damn, god and the devil are all in the small details.

In the last week of July, the messages get more daring, probing the limits of how far they are willing to take this. It becomes wishful thinking. Some messages are about how they wished they could hug and kiss, but sayang it's not possible. The most daring one was the scenario what would it be like to make love, but again di pwede. They start using I love you. He is calling twice a day. This whole ugly period lasts 2 weeks till it all ended. Yes she felt guilty, but she dealt with it by not dealing with it.

Love blinds us. I remeber now that we there were times we were beside each other watching dvds, and he was probably present, even on those few occasions where our whole family got to go out. My sisters had been noticing her negative body language towards me, but I hardly noticed. She would stay up late in the living room, while I plopped exhausted in bed. I though it was funny how she kept looking through my phone, but wouldn't let me look at hers. She started smoking again, and was always irritable.

Start of August, her guilt is overwhelming, and she starts breaking it off by dropping hints. They meet twice on succeeding days, and he just remains silent while she explains why it's not going happen. She asks for a friendly ending, but he wouldn't reply. At one point, she calls him and he just listens as she ended it. She hasn't heard from him since then.

I piece this all together from what she told me, her phone records. her messages I read, my calendar. In fairness to her, she called him a total of only 5 times, the longest one lasting 2 mins. The text count is another thing though.

She met her friends and tells them what happened, and builds up the courage to confess to me. On the morning of the day she was going to tell me, we get into a fight, and I shout at her. When I arrived late that night, I started by apologizing, and she flattens me with her story.

Some people here are going to be unconvinced, but I believe she has told me the truth. It was an emotional affair. In her lonely hours during the day, she'd found someone who was an all-day text companion, and she'd allowed things to get too far. Listening to her, I believe she wasn't really in love with the guy, but with how the situation made her feel. It explains why she wouldn't let him touch her and she sits across him, rather than beside, when they would meet, and how quickly she ended it when things started to go sideways.

As I said earlier, she sometimes deals with hard issues by not dealing with them. What I had not realized is that by making her go through the whole story, she was forced to confront the full reality of what she had done, along with seeing the pain I was going through. She went through a day of self-loathing and self-pity, to the point I was getting a bit scared. I promised her we wouldn’t bring up the matter anymore, because it now crushes her to face it.

The next day, I spent the whole day with her and the family. Today, I got to play her hero when she had a problem with her bank. I do believe we’re on the right path.

There is something about relationships that makes partners find some way to get through the darkest of moments, and we’ve survived these nights so far. There’s so much more to do, but it’s been some time now since I’ve been looking forward to tomorrow.

[webmiester]

What a beautiful story *sniff* *sniff*

yes, experiences like these is what build relationships and make them stronger.

[chua_riwap]

Baka may film producer na Tsikoteer, Bro. Angry. Gawing movie ang lifestory mo.

Ano kaya ok na title?

[Gen. Miting]

if you lab somebody set them free

[ghosthunter]

Baka may film producer na Tsikoteer, Bro. Angry. Gawing movie ang lifestory mo.

Ano kaya ok na title?

Sounds its going to be like one of those old Gaby & Sharon movies...

[uls]

angryhubby, hindi ba pinag daanan ng misis mo ung pagtetextmate nung dalaga pa sya?

what she's going thru (the textmate thing) is typical of what teenage girls go thru.

Kinikilig pag naka receive ng love quotes...

Lagi chinecheck ung cellphone kung may message...

di mapakali sa kaka hintay ng reply...

natataranta pag naubusan ng load...

spends hours texting...

na-i-in-love sa textmate...

nakikipag EB...

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Dami siguro mga mag asawa nasira ang relationship coz of textmates.