Joke Time!

[jvnj]

Ang galing mga bossing! Stress reliever talaga!

[Hanren]

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"

"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids?."


-- ---

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out
"Matt is riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having ***!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having *** ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

--- ----

Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson?
Student: Why are you teaching during my conversation?

-- -----

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."

[Hanren]

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[simpleonin]

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"

"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids?."


-- ---

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out
"Matt is riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having ***!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having *** ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

--- ----

Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson?
Student: Why are you teaching during my conversation?

-- -----

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."

LOL. so funny

[simpleonin]

got this from another forum I don't know if this is true to life

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in
January."

Citibank"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. "

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due , it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find outs he is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 38."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet???

[Hanren]

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

---

The Levels of Insanity:

1) Talks to self.
2) Argues with self.
3) Loses argument with self.
4) Is no longer speaking to self.

--- ----

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[renzo_d10]

'to panalo. :hysterical:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video....38385&comments

" he put my hair on my pubic hair "

WTF.

[chua_riwap]

'to panalo. :hysterical:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video....38385&comments

" he put my hair on my pubic hair "

WTF.

naka-singhot ng katol yan............

[jansky]

'to panalo. :hysterical:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video....38385&comments

" he put my hair on my pubic hair "

WTF.

lakas tama ng katol..

[nervenllarena]

nice link try it !!!

http://www.scrolllock.nl/passport/

[GBStJames]

Teacher: Rewrite this statement using past tense.
"I see the butterfly".

Student: I saw the butterflew.

[jansky]

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem.

Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.

His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,”Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

[jansky]

[SIZE=4]A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends
$15,000 & feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a
newspaper. Before
Leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but How
old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's & asks
the counter
girl The very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
drug
store on her way down the street. She goes up to the
counter to get some
mints & asks the clerk this same burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say maybe 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting
next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 79 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I
was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a
woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to
let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, & only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you
are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her
curiosity gets
the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go
ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse & begins to
feel around
very slowly & carefully. He bounces and weighs each
breast & he gently
pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together &
rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay,
okay.....How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, &
says, "Madam, you are 50 years old."

Stunned & amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,
how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.
.
.
.
















.
.
.
"I was behind you at McDonalds."[/SIZE]

[jansky]

[SIZE=3]Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone.You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..

Caller: Oh ......God!!![/SIZE]

[guigui]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDfSPMB0Z7I"]YouTube - WOTL: Bagong Traffic Signs[/ame]

[guigui]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chZpGmthkOk"]YouTube - WOTL: Carnap[/ame]

[chrispco]

PEDRO

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
Patrick Henry, 1775." Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said,
"Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish
from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you
do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

[chrispco]

Host : Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant : Banyo?
Host : Hindi, pag pumunta ka
doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host : Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant : Beerhouse!



Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Contestant : Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host :Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant: Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy"
at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant : Ah, Mr. Clean!

[chrispco]

Teacher: Rewrite this statement using past tense.
"I see the butterfly".

Student: I saw the butterflew.

Hahahahaha! Nice one.

[chrispco]

TITSER: who can make a sentence then translate it in
tagalog?
PUPIL: my titser is beautiful, isn't she?
TITSER: very good, translate it in tagalog.
PUPIL: ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?



Job interview

Boss: Why should we hire you?

Tikyo: Mas mabuti po ang bagong tulad ko dahil wala pang sungay.

Boss: English please.

Tikyo: Well, you see, uh, I'm brand new so I'm not yet horny!