Text Jokes!!!

[mikaztro]

SI LOLO AT LOLA
LOLA:make luv tayo!
LOLO:sandali lang, kukunin kong condom ko.
LOLA:ano k ba d n ko mabubuntis!
LOLO:alam ko! Pero me rayuma ang BIRD ko, di pwdng MABASA!

LOLO AT GRO
a LOLO went to karaoke bar and was asked:"Sir, ano gusto nyo GRO o CG?"
LOLO:GRO alam ko, pero anong CG, yan ba yung Call Girl?
MANAGER: "Hindi sir, Care Giver!"

LOLO AT APO
Apo: Lolo bkit mas mblis pumuti ang buhok sa itaas kaysa sa buhok sa ibaba.
Lolo: Kasi, apo, sa itaas puro problema. Eh sa ibaba, puro ligaya!

HUSBAND AND WIFE
Hsbnd: Ngpchek-up ako, dear Hi-blood daw ako,kaya bawal na akong tumabi sayo.
Wife: Bakit naman?!Hsbnd: Kasi, sabi ni doc, iwasan ko raw ang matataba.

BUY AND SELL
Mrs:Hoy ale,refund mo pera ko!Nkasulat sa tag ng tShirt nabili ko:"Guaranty No Shrinking" eh bkit isang labahan,shrink agad?
Tindera:made in China po yan,kya dapat baliktad pgbasa nyo.Sa Chinese Right to left po pgbasa."Shrinking No Guaranty"pO yAn!

SPELLING CAN KILL YOU
Spelling can kill you. Watch out -Husband on an out of town assignment sent a text to wife: "Trip is wonderful.Am having a good time.Wish you were her"!

[boybi]

ayos ito:

LOLO AT APO
Apo: Lolo bkit mas mblis pumuti ang buhok sa itaas kaysa sa buhok sa ibaba.
Lolo: Kasi, apo, sa itaas puro problema. Eh sa ibaba, puro ligaya!

SPELLING CAN KILL YOU
Spelling can kill you. Watch out -Husband on an out of town assignment sent a text to wife: "Trip is wonderful.Am having a good time.Wish you were her"!

[mikaztro]

MALALIM NA PANAGINIP
Pre1: pre prang mlalim ang iniicp mo!
Pre2: na2ginip aq kgbi ksma q 50contestants ng ms universe!
Pre1: swerte mo! E ano prblema?
Pre2: pre aq nanalo! :D

CHINESE MAN DYING ON BED
Chinese man on his dying bed..Aki asawa ajan b?Oo.
Aki pnganay ajan b?Opo.
Akin buso ajan b?Opo.
**** ina ny0..Dito kyo laat..Wla tao tindhan..!!

WHO ARE YOU GOING TO SAVE
Halimbwa nsa palubog na bangka na sinasakyan mo,
ksama mo ang syota mong nangangaliwa at ang best friend mong backfighter.
Sino ililigtas mo?
Ung bangka o ung sagwan?

APLHABETO
3 kids onstage reciting their own alphabet.
Kano:"Ei BeeSi Dih Ee..
Pinoy:"Ah BahKa Da Eh..
Muslim sa Quiapo:"Di Bi DiBi Ci DiEm Pi Tri..

NOTICE: Sa mga bumabasa nito, pagpaumanhin ninyo po at ito po ay isang kathang isip lamang at walang pinapatamaan na tao sino man.

[mikaztro]

GIRL IN HELL
A girL in hell complained 2 satan.
GIRL:"Äng dÄmingcÜtÉ gÜys d2, kYÄ Lng Äng LiLiit ng bird"
SATAN:"gÄgÄ!kng mLÄki yÄnÉ d prÄ kÄ ring nÄsÄ HEAVEN!"

CALAMANSI
NUN:m0thr i ws rapeD.Wt shal i do?
M0THERSUPRIOR: hir,tke ds cAlamANsi.
NUN:wil ds ease d pain?
M0THER: sipsipin mO!Nang mwala ngiti s mukha mO,gAga!

TEXTMATES EYEBALL
GIRL:magsusuot ako ng yellow, ikaw?
BOY: i wr green t-shirt.
At the coffee shop...Ugly girl in yellow comes in. No guy in green. She approaches guy in red.
GIRL: xcuse me, R u my txm8?
BOY: öi inde ah, nka green ba ko?!

COFEE NALANG DEAR
LOLA: ALAm m0 därleng kApg ktAbi kitA At nAg-AALmUsAL tAU, nAg-iinit pA rin Ak0
LOLO: PAAn0ng di kA mAg-iinit Eh nkALAyLAy yAng DEDE m0 s kApe

[space invader]

joke! joke! joke!

[mikaztro]

DYING HUSBAND
Dying husband: i hv smtng 2tel u.
Wife:dont speak, just rest.
Husband: n0, i must c0nfess, i hd *** wd ur sis & ur best friend.
Wife: shhh..i knw.. Dats y, i poisond u. :D

CONFESSION BOOTH
***y girl ngku2mpsal:
Pari: iha,an0 an iy0ng ikkmpsal?
***Y:fader,pg nkkrnig po q ng la2kng ngmu2ra d q mpglan srli q n ya2in xa mg***!
Pari: tangna,d nga?!

TATAY AT SI JUNIOR
TATAY:Jr!Pa2nayan mong d ka bading,isigaw m0 laht ng sasabihin ko.baril
Jr:baril!
TATAY:bala!
Jr:bala!
TATAY:armalite!
Jr:armalite!
TATAY:lalaki!
Jr:Asaaan?!

SI MARE AT PARE
Mare1: Mare pwde ba d2 muna ako s inyo?Lumayas ako sa min kc buntis ako.
Mare2: Dapat s taong nkbuntis sa u ka pumunta.
Mare1: Kya nga d2 ako pumunta.Jan ba c pare?

DI MAKATULOG
Husbnd: di ako mkatulog, lagi kong iniisip ang utang ko kay pare n 50 thou.
Wife:tawagan mo c pare sabihin mo d ka makkbayad para cya naman ang d mkatulog!

TEACHER & STUDENTS
Teacher to students:what should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Student:a girl on the cover & no cover on the girl..!!

[j_avonni]

It takes only two people to maintain a peaceful and happy home. Kung magkaisa lang sana ang KABIT at ASAWA, walang gulo ang pamilya.

[alsosing]

Sa Mental...
Baliw1: Tol d ka ba pagod paggising mo?
Baliw2: D naman pre, bakit?
Baliw1: Napanaginipan kasi kita kagabi, takbo k dw ng takbo...

>>>>>>>>

Baliw: (tumawag sa mental hospital) hello...may tao pa ba sa room 31?
Phone Operator: wala na, bakit?
Baliw: check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako...

[mbeige]

I heard that smoking is bad for your health.
So I quit smoking.

I heard that eating too much at fast foods is bad for your health.
So I quit ordering.

I read that too much *** is bad for your health.
So I quit reading.

[claRkEnt]

TEACHER & STUDENTS
Teacher to students:what should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Student:a girl on the cover & no cover on the girl..!!

Parang thread sa TSIKOT??? What thread in Tsikot.com can be popular?

Answer : "CHICK" on the thread title and lots of posted pictures !!!

[oliver1013]

BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin
dahil nagmamahalan
tayo.
ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama

Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po
naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang

Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! **** pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko
basag ang bungo!

Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...

WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...

Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25
years po kasi ako
driver ng funenaria

In a pet shop...

Customer talking to a parrot...

Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!

Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng
langit
Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa
rainbow mag
slide-slide!!!

Girl: doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim

Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka
na...ano ang
balak
mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?
Anak: flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers!
pretty diba?!

[j_avonni]

Man went 2 confession.
M-Father during d war a beautiful young lady asked me to hide her from d enemies so I hid her in d attic.
F-Dats a very good gesture. U need not confess.
M-But as d days went, she repaid we w DAILY ***UAL FAVORS.
F-Dats stil 4given my son.
M-Thank u Father. But I hav another question.
F-Wat is it my son?
M-Shall I tell her d WAR IS OVER?

[just4u]

HUSBAND AND WIFE
Hsbnd: Ngpchek-up ako, dear Hi-blood daw ako,kaya bawal na akong tumabi sayo.
Wife: Bakit naman?!Hsbnd: Kasi, sabi ni doc, iwasan ko raw ang matataba.




SPELLING CAN KILL YOU
Spelling can kill you. Watch out -Husband on an out of town assignment sent a text to wife: "Trip is wonderful.Am having a good time.Wish you were her"![/QUOTE]

huli!!!! :rofl:

[j_avonni]

Intsik (wen he saw the intruder): Naku! Huwak mo ko patay!
Intruder: Di ako magnanakaw, RAPIST ako!
Intsik: Haayy, salamat! <tawag asawa> Osang..! Ikaw may bisita!

[j_avonni]

No one can evr be satisfied w/ d ff
3 things in life:
1. mobile phone
2. automobile
3. wife
Bcoz there is always a new model available.

[jv20]

alone? im beside u
inlove? im hapi for you
hurt? u may cry on my shoulder
nid hug? my arms are yours
nid money? wala si jv! umalis! 2log!
Hu u? di na 2 no. nya!

[j_avonni]

alone? im beside u
inlove? im hapi for you
hurt? u may cry on my shoulder
nid hug? my arms are yours
nid money? wala si jv! umalis! 2log!
Hu u? di na 2 no. nya!

It just happened to me. Now I'm always out of town.

[tsupermario]

sön:
papa,i lyk dat grl,
& i want 2 marry her!

Dad:
my s0n,dnt marry dat gurl,cz shes ur sistr,& ur mama d0esnt knw.

The next day...
ma,i wnt 2 marry dat grl,bt papa sed,
i shud n0t,bc0z shes my sis & u d0nt knw!

M0m:
my s0n,marry dat gurl cz ur papa s n0t ur father, & he d0esnt knw.. =)

=====

QUOTE FOR ALCOHOLICS

" A biG hAnGoveR LaSts 0nLy a dAy.. But tHe fuNny, hApy, sAd, tRuthfuL, eMbaRasSn dRunkeN mEmoRies wiL LaSt foRevEr..

=====

'10 QU0TABLE QU0TES'

1) better Late than pregnant.
2) pag my tyaga, Goodluck.
3) Aanhin pa ang dam0,kabay0 ba ak0?
4) Pg binat0 ka ng bat0,kawawa k.
5) kung my isinuks0k, may mabubuntiz!
6) it'z better 2 give, much better 2 receive.
7) Cleanlinez iz nxt 2 G0dlinez, 0ilinez iz nxt 2 blemishez.
8) taong naglalakad nang matulin, pawisin.
9) Pgkahaba haba man ng prusisyon, mauubusn din ng kandila.
10) honesty is... Such a lonely word

[dxx_ddf]

No one can evr be satisfied w/ d ff
3 things in life:
1. mobile phone
2. automobile
3. wife
Bcoz there is always a new model available.

tama ka dyan sir.. automobile, taon taon merong bago. pambihira! mobile phone, bwan-bwan meron din.. wife??? pwede pa chicks, araw-araw bagooo...

[mikaztro]

KOTONG COP

Pulis: Bayad ko sa siopao.
Tsino: O makit ikaw bayad?
Pulis: Utos ni chief wala na kotong daw
Tsino: Ah ganun ba! Mula ngayon baboy na lagay sa siopao hindi na daga!

***

BED TIME SONG FOR MEN
Nipple nipple little star
can i suck u in my car
Up above ur breast so high
Always milky never dry
Let me press it dont feel shy
In the bra it will be dry.

***

[BOSS AND GRO[/B]

Boss: Let me DO you just one more time. It will be quick. I'll throw P1,000 on the floor and before you bend and pick it up, I'll be done!

GRO liked the proposal and called her BF.

BF: Ok, but ask for P2,000 and be very quick to pickup the money.
GRO: Ok hon.

After 4 hours, BFcalled and asked what happened...

GRO: Now lang natapos! Ang walangya..puro coins tinapon.

*******